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~ Nike

“Are they safe?”

~ Budding young runner

“I have no idea what that is.”

~ Master Chief on UESC Marathon

Marathons are one of the great mysteries of the universe, along with Swiss cheese, cats' ability to land on their feet, the number 42, and farts. The idea of a marathon totally defies Epicurean law, as it requires a person to push themselves beyond comfort, reason, and ultimately, sanity. The final stages of insanity are truly reached when, after competing a marathon, the poor crazed victim, now under the illusion that it wasn't so bad, begins to train for another.

History (or is it Mythology?)[edit]

This self-mutilation disguised as sport originated by the famed run of Pedophileos, a Greek soldier who supposedly ran all the way from Marathon to Athens just to tell the Athenians to start pouring the champagne, for the Persians had lost to them in battle. Ironically, though Pedophileos is now considered a great athletic hero, he was apparently quite out of shape; after running the paltry distance of 21.4 miles non stop, his heart exploded.After all that happend the Athenians noteced him laying there and felt bad, so they made him into a rug like those lion rugs.

Of course this is all probably mythology, as what really happened was that upon the approach of the Thousand Nation of the Persian Empire, at Marathon, the Greeks all started to flee and all ran away en mass, giving birth to the phenomenon known today as the Marathon run.


The city of "Theyran" was named and created by the Persians to mark and celebrate the running of the Greek soldiers from the advancing Persian army during the first Marathon run in 500 BC. The modern name for this celebrated city is Tehran.

Olympic Marathon[edit]

To honour this legend of "athletic prowess" in long distance fleeing of the Greek soldiers from the Persian army, the Olympic committee sets up the tradition of marathon running in 1896. Now, runners around the world suffering from some weird mental condition called "ambition" or something, seek fame, fortune, and the ever popular self-actualization by training themselves to go faster and further than any normal person should. Like that Paul Tergat guy from Kenya; for some strange reason, he thought it would be fun to run 26.22 miles in 2 hours 4 minutes and 55 seconds... clearly the guy was suffering from delusions. As any normal person knows, exercise should be avoided at all costs; that's the reason we drive cars when we are only going two blocks.

More Marathons[edit]

Like cooties, yawns, and the Bubonic Plague, marathons and their related hysteria unfortunately have continued multiplying and spreading throughout the known world. Boston, Chicago, NYC, Berlin, and London have all been struck with the bug. Now an activity previously reserved for the most eccentric athletes is appearing on the lifetime to-do lists of millions. It doesn't help that everyday some celebrity or other is either training for a marathon, or bragging about running one (We all know the truth; their butler did the running, they just watched from the limo).

The Suffix "-athon"[edit]

If marathons have done anything beneficial over the years, it is the introduction of the suffix "-athon" to our dictionaries. Now, all sorts of usually fun, harmless activities such as baking and dancing can be twisted into a malevolent breed of torture with the addition of "-athon" to the verb. Bake-a-thons! Walk-a-thons! Dance-a-thons! Sing-a-longs! (Oops! Sorry, wrong category for that last one.) In the name of charity, nothing is safe. All activities are subject to "marathonization". (Yes, it's a word. How do I know? Well, I just created it!)

The Moral[edit]

It's not pleasant. It's not fun. It could even make your heart explode. So the next time you get an urge to experiment, or your deluded athletic buddies urge you to try it, JUST SAY "NO". Then turn back on the T.V. and sit back down on the couch, Big Mac in hand. Your body will thank you...for now. Who needs health anyway?

Additional Sources[edit]