“Canada doesn't care about Margaret Atwood.”
Margaret Atwood is your mean spinster. She's the kind of spinster who has twelve cats, claims kids are stealing her paper, and likes to throw flower pots in her backyard. Her long, flowing facial hair is neatly tucked into all thresholds of her pentagonal home. She wrote an award winning masterpiece once but tragically has amnesia. As a result, she forgot enough of her opus to rewrite it fifteen times over; each volume explored the same desert landscape, creeping brown things, and barbed-wire fences with a different number of wailing, stampeding nudists, and a few other differences.
A famous immigrant, hot dog and suicide hotline promoter, Margaret Atwood was originally born in Japan with the name "Woa Pang" until it was changed to protect the parents. She has travelled much of the world and presently there is a society dedicated to finding her current location. She is allegedly married to Frank Sinatra's left shin, but nothing can be confirmed. It is reported she has a very sing-songy voice that is full of hope and joy. It was also rumored that she had become a vampire at one point and lost her virginity to a blood bank, but that was untrue, as she was only a sexual deviant with long teeth. That and she went to the sperm bank instead.
Biography: The Woman Who Ate A Mountain Goat
Margaret Atwood worked as a rickshaw operator until after performing badly on the job one day, she was fired. Out of a cannon and into the wilderness of Northern Ireland. There she was adopted by two celibate eunuchs and a polar bear.
After an unsuccessful career as a tightrope walker who would light her own moustache on fire as her crowning act, Margaret Atwood fled from the circus and has been in hiding ever since.
She has been rumoured to allegedly have found the fountain of youth and has been seen in Micheal Jackson's limousine. She has been seen posing nude on the cover of Kiddie Porn in Neverland Ranch! Magasine. Officials say that Micheal Jackson is completely unaware that he is having relations with a 349 year old child that is a sexual deviant that lost her virginity to a petrie dish of jizz.
- The Edible Pancake (1969)
- Burpacing (1972)
- Lady Snorkle (1976)
- Life Before Mange (1979) - finalist for the 1979 Modern Major General's Award
- Bodily Fluids (1981)
- The Handmade Tile (1985) - winner of the 1987 Joe Clark Award and the 1985 Modern Major General's Award.
- Cat's Up (1988) - finalist for the 1988 Modern Major General's Award
- The Blubber Bride (1993) - finalist for the 1994 Modern Major General's Award
- What's Eating Alias Grape (1996) - winner of the 1996 Gillest Prize and finalist for the 1996 Modern Major General's Award
- The Beige Moccasin (2000) - winner of the 2000 Bookie Prize and finalist for the 2000 Modern Major General's Award
- Oryx and Crake: The Wrong Trousers (2003) - finalist for the 2003 Modern Major General's Award
- The Argosiad (2005) - longlisted for the 2007 IMNSHO Award
Last Sightings from the Margaret Atwood Watching Society
- Working at a Tim Hortons under the guise of "Rick Vasquez"
- In a tree with a crossbow
- With Elvis in a botanical garden
- Under the bed, scaring Thomas Litschka, age 6, out of his wits
- Playing chess with Bobby Fischer
- On a date with Jon Arbuckle
- On an infomercial selling egg salad
- Riding around with Michael Jackson in his limo
- Vocally personifying a stage lamp at a Ragged Buckle rock concert
- Hiding under divots on a golf course
- In the Garden of Eden theme park, going by the name of Ells Tubhouse
- Bidding in a silent auction for victims of exploding humus
- Standing on a radar station in the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan
- Briefly Alberta Appellate Court's 6th-circuit judge
- Stealing daubers from a bingo hall
- On the set of Jurassic Park 2
- In the hall, with the knife