Margaret Atwood

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“Canada doesn't care about Margaret Atwood.”

~ Margaret Wente on Margaret Atwood
Margaret Atwood in one of her plot trances.

Margaret Atwood is your mean spinster. She's the kind of spinster who has twelve cats, claims kids are stealing her paper, and likes to throw flower pots in her backyard. Her long, flowing facial hair is neatly tucked into all thresholds of her pentagonal home. She wrote an award winning masterpiece once but tragically has amnesia. As a result, she forgot enough of her opus to rewrite it fifteen times over; each volume explored the same desert landscape, creeping brown things, and barbed-wire fences with a different number of wailing, stampeding nudists, and a few other differences.

A famous immigrant, hot dog and suicide hotline promoter, Margaret Atwood was originally born in Japan with the name "Woa Pang" until it was changed to protect the parents. She has travelled much of the world and presently there is a society dedicated to finding her current location. She is allegedly married to Frank Sinatra's left shin, but nothing can be confirmed. It is reported she has a very sing-songy voice that is full of hope and joy. It was also rumored that she had become a vampire at one point and lost her virginity to a blood bank, but that was untrue, as she was only a sexual deviant with long teeth. That and she went to the sperm bank instead.

Biography: The Woman Who Ate A Mountain Goat[edit]

Margaret Atwood worked as a rickshaw operator until after performing badly on the job one day, she was fired. Out of a cannon and into the wilderness of Northern Ireland. There she was adopted by two celibate eunuchs and a polar bear.

After learning the fine art of Yahtzee! there, she went on to be the first woman to record the sounds of a giraffe having its nose cut off with a musket.

She moved to Brazil during the potato famine and to visit her alleged father, Emperor Montezuma who promptly threw her out of the Empire on the grounds that she was a horrible rickshaw operator.

After an unsuccessful career as a tightrope walker who would light her own moustache on fire as her crowning act, Margaret Atwood fled from the circus and has been in hiding ever since.

She has been rumoured to allegedly have found the fountain of youth and has been seen in Micheal Jackson's limousine. She has been seen posing nude on the cover of Kiddie Porn in Neverland Ranch! Magasine. Officials say that Micheal Jackson is completely unaware that he is having relations with a 349 year old child that is a sexual deviant that lost her virginity to a petrie dish of jizz.


Last Sightings from the Margaret Atwood Watching Society[edit]

  • Working at a Tim Hortons under the guise of "Rick Vasquez"
  • In a tree with a crossbow
  • With Elvis in a botanical garden
  • Under the bed, scaring Thomas Litschka, age 6, out of his wits
  • Playing chess with Bobby Fischer
  • On a date with Jon Arbuckle
  • On an infomercial selling egg salad
  • Baghdad
  • Riding around with Michael Jackson in his limo
  • Vocally personifying a stage lamp at a Ragged Buckle rock concert
  • Hiding under divots on a golf course
  • In the Garden of Eden theme park, going by the name of Ells Tubhouse
  • Bidding in a silent auction for victims of exploding humus
  • Standing on a radar station in the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan
  • Briefly Alberta Appellate Court's 6th-circuit judge
  • Stealing daubers from a bingo hall
  • On the set of Jurassic Park 2
  • In the hall, with the knife

Famous Quotes[edit]

  • "Eskimos have a cream filling."
  • "Yahtzee!"
  • "You couldn't hit that woman right even if I showed you how. And I did."
  • "Red Froot Loops are good for the complexion."
  • "You would need a larger bazooka than that to hit God with a spitball."
  • "That takes the Crake!"