Mariah Carey

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“I'll daydream about her through a fantasy underneath the stars while she is singing Touch My Body and hopefully she will never forget about us!”

~ Arielle Tatiana McLean on Mariah Carey's body

“Trying to insult the dilapidated, syphilis infested whore-god that is mainstream pop music is an act akin to yelling at flagellants back during the black plague that what they are doing is not sanitary or a logical solution to their woes. They hear only the bitter entrapment of their fetid yet self righteous existences”

~ Zack Benett on insulting Mariah Carey

“I love rocks!”

~ Mariah's sex slave on Mariah Carey's body

“She's a lesbian who is shaking her men off!”

~ Girls Aloud on Mariah Carey

“Don't talk about her too much or she will end up having a "nervous breakdown" aka be in the crazy house again!!”

~ Tommy Motola on on his ex-wife

“Put me in, coach!”

~ Mariah Carey on her stint as a pitcher in the Japanese baseball league

“The price is wrong, bitch!”

~ Mariah's brother Drew Carey when she offered the then-struggling comedian in 1993, a mere $20,000 a year to be the president of her fan club

Mariah Carey (also known as Mary Poppins) is an Sexy-American diva, record producer, suck ass actress, soft-core porn star and professional glass-breaker containing impressive amount of silicone, botox, and salt-water. She is known for being a bitchy diva, her giant legs, and dressing slutty. Unlike most female pop and R&B singers, who only make brain-dead songs about nothing at all, Mariah also makes music where she's bitching about Madonna, Eminem, her exes, and Nick Fucking Cannon.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mariah Carey.
Not Mariah Carey, but rather her late trans-sexually equivalent sports announcer's debut album. Featured the hit songs "Holy Cow!" and "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".


Mariah Carey "the singer"[edit]

Born on a far away planet where everyone communicates via ultrasonic frequencies transmitted, Mariah Carey was a pariah because of her freakishly deep voice, which was many pitches below the hearing range of her native species. She was exiled in her teens and lived for years among the dolphins of her world.

Put some clothes on, love and Fuck Off!
Mariah Carey's Holloween Wish Is to Be Married & In Another Abusive Relationship Again!!! YaaY!!

One day her planet was scheduled to be destroyed by large rod shaped ships(to make way for a Starbucks). Before this happened she managed to sneak onto one of the ships and, after a series of hilarious and erotic adventures, landed on Earth. Here she was found by a lecherous middle aged man and hip hop artist named Ronald McDonald. The "Clown of Pop" had a fetish for freak extraterrestrials and a boundless lust for cash taped onto a hookers stomach. Noting how high her voice was, at least in comparison to humans, he decided to train her in singing and exploit her. During a tryst in the back of a clown car, the couple unwittingly conceived their mixed-race love-child, Natalie Portman (she sold the baby to Natalie's adoptive parents. Ironically, Natalie later played Petme, the Transsexual Queen of Naboobie in the film "Preteen Slut II: Attack of the Clowns". She greatly resembled her real parents at the time, although Natalie wouldn't discover this fact until she made "Where the Penis Is".)

As the only phrases in English were "Not there Ronald." and " $5 dollar a BJ.", her english training consisted largely of listening to and imitating old Aretha Franklin and Chaka Khan records. Unfortunately her poor language skills made it impossible for her to grasp the subtleties of classic gospel and soul, so her concept of good singing never evolved beyond her trademark high-pitched screams and a certain style of melisma that she would deploy with little or no provocation.

Admit it. You would soooooo hit this.

Fortunately, as Oscar Wilde once put it, "People have just the shittiest taste in music." Her debut album sold an estimated 15 gajillion copies and she soon became the best selling "female" musician of all time, surpassing previous record holder Hildegard von Bingen in 2015. Despite this people revealed they only brought copies as it keeps people with taste away and helps make animals do as we say!

In 829 B.C. she released her second album "I Do Not Have Any Emotions Cause I Am a Diva-wannabe Alien", which caused death to more than 1,000,000,000 people (due to the ultra high pitched screams which were extremely harmful for the human ear). People started realizing that the human race was dangerously threaten with extinction, the Greeks and the Egyptians allied and prisoned her in hell. Unfortuantly, Mariah escaped in 822 B.C. and caused death to an additional amount of 1,000,000,000 people and lowering the I.Q. of the existing population with the release of her live "Hell Unplugged", which contained a duet with the Satan. After her escape, she was later captured again and killed (821 B.C.). During her funeral billions of people cheered joyfully.

And the reason she isnt singing anymore is cause she has herpes of the throat and needs to die.

Mariah is discovered in a barn after binging on KFC.

The KFC connection[edit]

After her marriage to Tommy Mottola failed, Mariah had a broken heart which she tried to mend with exoribitant amounts of trans fat fromKFC. As a result, her career began to suffer as albums such as "KFC=MC2" and "The Emancipation of Queefy" peaked at #197 on Billboard. Her physical attraction also decreased exponentially because no one ever told her that trans fat makes a person look like a bloated whale. As a result, 5 years of continuous binge eating made her look like she inhaled a bathtub full of lard and babies

Rebirth and return/Glorious Comeback/ Songs About Satan[edit]

After a hiatus which lasted for approximately seven centuries, Mariah came back due to a curse which god Zeus put on humanity for not obeying to his orders. Her return to music was marked with the release of her multi-platinum/dreadful for humanity satan box. The first single "Satan Lover you make me wanna breath fire like the demons do" became the biggest hit EVER, helping her album to top all the charts worldwide. This caused the decline of the Roman Empire and the death of billions people. Mariah also foresaw the popularity of Judaism and released her best selling "Evil Christmas with Satan", which surpassed the sales of Wacko Jackso's Thriller and helped Christianity to establish itself in the Roman Empire. Those two albums had a much darker tone since they were about Satan, hate, and mad cows. By 89 B.C. Carey had caused huge damage to humanity. Her high pitched squeals were banned in the Roman Empire, but still, authorities couldn't control the population of the Roman Empire, which had gone insane about Mariah (because her music hypnotized them). The end of humanity was near. When she released her dangerously successful "Satan In my Daydream" (40 trillion copies), she caused death to all humanity. The extinction of the human race made Zeus furious with her, since he lost all his slaves. He thus killed her immediately.

Second return/ Obssession with sex and orgasm[edit]

After an even bigger hiatus Mariah returned in 897 A.C. and recorded an album called "Let me show these talentless younger Bitches how music is really done" T by Releasing This Fu%@#*$ing Album Called Sex Honey". She released the album to the new people that were created by God (since she destroyed humanity in 89 B.C.). The album was a massive hit and was followed by "Sexy #1's". Both albums were talking about Butterflies and Rainbows. Her music videos featured her swimming in honey, and engaging in Romantic acts with an Unnamed bear wearing a green hat while wearing a red shirt"Her next album "Rainbows Are Hot as Hell! FUCK ME RAINBOW". Songs from the album such as "ONLY 18+, PRESS ENTER IF YOU HAVE THE APROPRIATE AGE" and "I WANNA FUCK YOUR TEDDYBEAR" were banned in Hololululululu, Japan, US, Canada, and Europe. Once again Mariah had hypnotized humanity and managed to make them buy more than 1,000,000,000,000,000 of the album. Thus, she was killed by Byzantine Emperor Constantine II because she was causing anarchy and sexual liberation which harmed the social balance of his empire. However, before she died, she was able to implant part of herself inside the byzantine empire by screwing his brains out, thus ensuring that she would be reborn in the late 20th century

Third return and decline[edit]

After a third hiatus, Mariah returned due to a curse of a witch and released her next album "Does Glitter Make Me Look Like a Crazy Fat Old Cow" (which was a soundtrack to the movie of the same name which grossed only one cent... it was only viewed by Mariah's alien dog) which flopped hard. Only two people died from that album, making it her least successful album to date. Afterwards she released 3,876,821 albums which also failed to kill more than 50 people. From those albums the most stupid ones were "Greatest Tits", "Fuck Mixes" and "Homo-sexual Barcelet". Due to the failure of those albums, Mariah became depressed and committed suicide in her wine cellar.

Fourth rebirth and emancipation[edit]

In 1990 A.D. she released her 1,000,000th album " Im Back Madonna-Bitch, This Is My Emancipation". The album sold very well, causing death to approximately 5 billion people. Her lead single from the album "It's Mariah Bitch" caused a legal case with the -then 10 year old- Britney Spears, which charged her for copying a future song of hers titled "Gimme More". After killing Britney she released her next album in 1992 A.D. which was titled e=MC2 = 23x56y-78χ+36χ= TOP SECRET CIA COMBINATION (Mariah's most sexually oriented album. It contains songs about masturbation and posting porn videos on Youtube, such as the #1 smash in Albania "Touch my Boobs, fuck me on the floor, show me what you got, fuck me hard some more!!!aaah yeah baby FUCK ME", for which she was awarded a grammy for being the most desperate for sex artist ever. She was also awarded a "Fuck award" for her video for Touch My Boobs which shows her fucking with Janet Jackson, Madonna, Beyonce,Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears simultaneously. The album debuted at #1 in the United States and in every single country of the world. In the United states it retained its pole position for 12 centuries breaking her own record (her debut stayed at #1 for 10 centuries)!! To date the album has sold about 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 copies. It has also been reported that most of the albums buyers are animals (cats, dogs, parrots, elephants, snakes, bats, sonic the hedgehog, Amy Rose, Milles Tails, worms, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Chris Crocker, among others) which are the only living beings that are actually able to listen to her music. It was given a -15 stars by Rolling Stone, her highest rating from the magazine so far. The album also won the very honorable award "Worst Album Ever", throwing her previous album "Glitter" at #2! Mariah has 127 albums on the list "Worst Album Ever Possible?" and 89 of them managed to top the chart!... we are so proud of you Mariah... bless you and your fat-elephant friend Oprah... god bless you). Fuck

Final death and funeral[edit]

After the release of "I want to fuck some rednecks," She was raped (Wow who saw this coming?) and killed by a group of Rednecks in the state of South Carolina. She was lusted after by her male fans and hated by her female enemies (Rush Limbaugh, Barbra Walters, rich people, and everyone else).

Alive again!! Future life and Trivia[edit]

In the year 2064 (ok... she rebirthed for a sixth time...), Carey had her body cryogenically frozen. Her frozen body then ran away with her biggest fans, Erin and Daniel. Soon after the rendezvous, Mariah murdered those obsessed fans with her high pitched squealing during a fight concerning the last slice of bacon.


Contrary to popular misconception, Carey does not eat babies (Because they contain calories), but she does have a collection of them under her bed. Also, Mariah sells the babies she frequently mothers to adoptive parents because she "can't handle the drama".

In 2006 Mariah was at a concert when a crazed fan said her face resembled a muppet. Mariah took this to heart and now dates her supposed soul mate Kermit the Frog .

Carey is to release a new album this year entilled "From The Bottom of My High Pitched Squeals"

The technical name for her musical style is 'melisma-laden bollocks over five octaves'.

To date, aporximatley 294 people have been permenately blinded by their glasses smashing, due to the excessively high pitched voice of Carey, She made a public apology by singing to the United States Spectacle society. Only Carey remained sighted after the event.

File:You-light-up-my-life.mp3

Voice[edit]

Carey's voice has come under considerable scrutiny from critics who believe that she does not effectively communicate the message of her songs. Although this accusation may be true, she still effectively hypnotizes "Lambs" as she calls her fans to do the unthinkable. They would rob hospitals of babies and take them to her mothership for sacrificial purposes. Rolling Stone magazine said in 1992, "Mariah Carey has a remarkable vocal gift. Her screams and spells are very controlling and should be used in Iraq as lethal devices"

Family[edit]

Mariah is distantly related to the Face On Mars. She is also the secret love child of Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob who starred on The Muppet show together. She also has been romantically linked to Madonna and Janet Jackson. Miss Piggy now claims that Mariah was an accident that spiraled out of control. Mariah Carey has no contact with her birth parents. Don't ask Mariah about this as she has no knowledge...in general.

Famous, Intellectual Quotes[edit]

"How close can I get, to being naked and doing porn...without actually doing it?" - On her look alike/ impersonator Mary Cary's porn movies.

"I personally don't mind him, but his fist sure is huge!"

"Do I look anorexic in the wearing the size -784632745 Gucci dress?"

"Am I still alive or are you dead?"

"I created the song We belong Together while making fun of world hunger and it became an instant smash hit!!!"

"I guess some people like fat pigs like Oprah, MY best friend who I love dearly, and don't mind her world domination."

"I can't help but enjoy shoving in as much as I get up there" - Mariah on anal sex

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Sample of an upcoming Mariah song.

"I always wanted a funny nigga around me; obesity can be hilarious with the right person" - Mariah on husband Nick Cannon

"When I come back like Jordan, wearing the 4-5... I'll be fifty" - Mariah on possible comeback to modelling

"It's not that I mind the herpes, but he only lasted 53 seconds. I want some more bang for my STI's, you know?" Mariah on statuary rape.

"I've stopped eating those... PSYCHE!" Mariah on little children.

"I made Vision of Love when I was in Vietnam thinking of IHOP"

"Why ain't you so obsessed with me?" - Mariah Carey to the media, after Memoirs of an Imperfect Glitter Geisha flopped.

Mariah's "emancipation"[edit]

Carey enjoying her weekend hobby, mocking the homeless. Sometimes she does it with her best friend Oprah

Mariah, long known to the public, was a slave to her home planet, even though it was destroyed. Finally, in 2004, the Intergalactic Commission decided to emancipate Mariah as "Mimi", allowing Mariah to become more human in nature. Curiously however, she didn't change at all. She continues to use the name Mariah, and keeps selling her babies, never developing the motherly instinct of humans. Conspiracy theorists believe that Mariah continues to give her babies away to Sugargliders. This is not proven, although it is not outside of Mariah's freakish character. She was then heard scream, "I shit Maple Syrup & U Ain't Gettin' None!"

Selected Discography[edit]

  • Butterfly (sold 1 billion copies in Japan)
  • Rainboner (which features "Love Muffin", a song witch samples Debra Wilson's hit song "Heartbreaker." and which only sold half a billion copies worldwide... what a disappoinment)
  • Daydream (it sold about 30 billions ... it has been said that only dogs can hear to it)
  • Glitter Dust (released only in mars.... 2 copies where sold in Earth, one to bin landen and one to michael jackson)
  • Charmbracelet (not even martians can hear this album... IT CAN KILL YOU!! IT'S POISONOUS)
  • Lollipop & Corn Flakes (sold about 6 copies worldwide)
  • Unicorns and Fairies (which samples her very own, "I Fell In Love With A Crack-Head/Bum")
  • Return to Candyland
  • The Long Long Long Long Anticipation of Mimi (it sold 10 billion in mars and earth together)
  • e=MC2 = 23x56y-78χ+36χ= TOP SECRET CIA COMBINATION (mariahs most sexually oriented album. it contains songs about, masterbating and posting porn videos on youtube, such as the #1 smash in Albania "touch my boobies, fuck me on the floor, show me what you got, fuck me hard some more!!!aaah yeah baby FUCK ME", for which she was awarded a grammy for being the most desperate for sex artist ever. she was also awarded a "Fuck award" for her video for touch my boobies which shows her fucking with janet jackson, madonna, beyonce and britney spears simultaneously. the album debuted at #1 in the United States and in every single country of the world. in the united states it retained its pole position for 12 centuries breaking her own record (her debut stayed at #1 for 10 centuries)!! to date the album has sold about 7.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 copies. it has also been reported that most of the albums buyers are animals (cats, dogs, parrots, elephants, snakes, bats, sonic the hedgehog, amy rose, miles tails, worms, michael jackson, chris crocker, among others) which are the only living beings that are actually able to listen to her music. it was given a -15 stars by rolling stone, her best rating by the magazine so far! the album also won the very honorable award "Worst Album Ever", throwing her previous album "Glitter" at #2! mariah has 127 albums on the list "Worst album ever" and 89 of them managed to top the chart!... we are so proud of you mariah... bless you and your fat-elephant friend Oprah... god bless you

List of #1 Singles in the USA[edit]

Mariah is a chart-obsessed bitch who makes pathetic campaigns with her fans in order to make her songs #1, asking them to buy multiple copies in exchange for a pussy hair for every receipt. Her singles are always below 49 cents. Mariah has had way too many USA #1 songs probably because their all lovers of high pitched yelps. The songs were inspired by her extreme diet and craving for food in any possible way. She also enjoys and occasional snack which include Asian people for desert while visiting her best friend Oprah and the Church of Oprah

  • "Vision of Hoe"
  • "All I Want for Xmas is Poo"
  • "Cheesecake Takes Time...2 Bake"
  • "Someday, My Pizza Will be Delivered"
  • "C.R.E.A.M. (Chinese Rice Exits Anyones Merchantman)"
  • "F.I.S.T.E.D (Walk like an Egyptian)"
  • "I Don't Wanna Cry for My Bagel"
  • "I Hide My Emotions in Cookies (& Sell them to Little Girls Who Then become Prostitutes)"
  • "I'll Be There for the Buffet"
  • "Creamlover"
  • "Heroine"
  • "Without You (The Constipation Song)"
  • "Anytime You Need A (dim sum dinner at ching chong funky town) ......"
  • "Fantasy Chicken (featuring Ol' Dirty Bastard)"
  • "One Sweet Lay"
  • "Always Be My Bagel (ft. R. Kellly)"
  • "Underneathe The Bras (ft. Lady Saw)"
  • "Honey & Lard"
  • "Butterfried"
  • "Breakdown (Prediction that will happen after 4 more years of endless singing and breast enlargement)"
  • "I'd Give My All for Your Plate of Food"
  • "Hardboner" (featuring Jay-Z)
  • "Thank God I Found My Oven" (featuring Joe and 98 Degrees)
  • "Can't Take That Cocaine From Me (Mariah's Supposed To Be National Anthem)"
  • "It's Mariah Bitch"
  • "Never too Fat"
  • "Don't Stop (Fuckin' 4 Jamaica)(ft. Mystikal)"
  • "McDonald's, We Belong Together"
  • "Don't Forget the Whipped Cream"
  • "Get Your Number (For Delivery)"
  • "So Lonely (Need that KFC)"
  • "Secret Love for Popeyes"
  • "I'll Be Lovin' Pizza Long Time"
  • "Say Something (Like you have hepatitis C)(ft. Snoop Dog)"
  • "I Stay In McDonalds"
  • "Fly Like A Bird Die Like A Fly"
  • "Mime Again (ft. Bob Marley)"
  • "Touch My Booby (produced by Ron Jeremy)"
  • "Sure Hope You're Gonna (grease that sucker)"
  • "Aces High" - Cover.
  • "Obscene Bitch Bitch"
  • "I Want To Know What Fuck Is"
  • "H.A.T.E. U Eminem"
  • "Stuff It In My Face (ft. Nicki Minaj)"
  • "Angels (Fat Naked Women)"
  • "Bienvenidos al Frotting Shed"
  • "When I start chewing, you stop shoving"
  • "100% (Put your fries up)"
  • "When You Believe (In pancakes at IHOP)(ft. Whitney Houston)"
Mariah Carey seen here being tortured

Mariah Carey and turds[edit]

Possible translation of actual ultrasonic message from a turd

When someone accidentally steps on a turd, it usually emits a high-pitched ultrasonic signal in order to defend itself from the attacker. This scream, only comparable to the banshee's scream of death, is called a "Mariah Carey".

Only audible by some dogs, dolphins, and Leonard Nimoy the sound is thought to be seeking extraterrestrial assistance, and is often used as evidence by Alien Abductees to prove the existence of life on other planets.

The signal emitted from the rare yellow/white/pale turd is notably different to other varieties, possibly indicative of regional or racial differences?

Mariah Carey's music videos are sometimes shown at MTV, causing the death of millions of people in each broadcasting. The last time a Mariah Carey was broadcast in 1999, the TV signal hit the planet Zoloft IV, starting the star wars against earth.

External links[edit]