Mario Kart

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“Mario Kart Wii is just Japanese Roulette, 90% of the time you get blown up by items and the other 10% of the time you get shoved off the edge by Bowser

~ Anyone on The Mario Kart Series

“Mario Kart is a form of ugliness so intolerable that Nintendo have to alter it every six months”

Mario Kart is a racing game created and distributed by Nintendo.

It appeared first on the Super Nintendo, followed by every other Nintendo platform ever.

The gameplay and graphics continued to grow exponentially more awesome with each passing game, until the GameCube version which was regarded as "essence of ballsack" by fans and critics, as was the console itself.

The latest version, Mario Kart Wii, involves less of the double-teaming and more of the DS-based Kart selection and goodness. The Wii version is also notable for the ability to play as Hitler and the pure power of Funk being available as a playable character in the shape of Funky Kong. Mario Kart 7 is coming 'soon' and you get to play as Mario with Metal in the shape of Metal Mario.


History[edit]

What many people don't know about Mario Kart is that it has history behind it. What was to be called, "Death Race" was what we know of now as Mario Kart. It was made into a movie in Fall of 08' intitled "Death Race." Throughout the history of making Mario Kart, creater Honda Toyota, Jr. had thought of putting in subliminal messages. He did. If you listen carefully when the menu screen appears on, it sounds like Mario says, "Let's drive!" However, he is saying, "Suck mine!" Also, the code for Mario Kart: WII Up, Right, Left, Left, C, B, A, C will get you a costume for Toad as a KKK member. When IGN Game Review went out in March of 2008, Honda Toyota, Jr. stated the game was to make Nintindo fans aware and to destroy the evil one... A.K.A The American Government. Reporters said it all linked up to the South Park episode from Season 3: Chin Pokomon.

Gameplay[edit]

Gameplay is found to be quite similar to Diddy Kong Racing which was based off the King Kong Movie. 12 (formally 8) players must race each other around a track while avoiding each other's attacks.

Multi-coloured cubes are scattered around the track, though it is never explained where these Cubes came from. Gameplay suggests they are formed and disseminated from the Seventh Circle of Hell, since they reform after a player drives through them and grants them the power of a DemiGod. Or a banana. Some speculate that Toads Factory in Mario Kart Wii creates the item boxes, but what else would they make--they're fucking useless.

Once awesome, now not.

Grand Prix[edit]

Grand Prix mode consists of the player choosing a character, kart, and cup.

A Cup consists of four tracks in which the player must win. Upon completion they are given a madcore trophy. There is also a rating from A-E depending on how well the player went. If they are exceptionally awesome and super duper skilled, then they will get a star rating instead.

Mario, moments before he was tragically eaten by Pacman

Time Trial[edit]

Time Trial mode allows the player to race around the track as fast as they can without the risk of getting pwned by a blue shell.

Three mushrooms are given to the player to assist him in his epic quest to shave seconds of his time.


VS[edit]

Mario Kart itself, everything else is just filler. You can select any track when using this option and laugh as your noob friends overcompensate with the wheel and continuously drive over bananas and obvious fake item boxes.


Battle[edit]

This is played over four or so specially designed tracks in which the players must use the items they obtain through driving through the Cubes. As of Mario Kart Wii, you can only play it in teams, meaning that if you have three friends this mode is just epic fail.


Characters[edit]

Since the dawn of time the characters have been divided into weight categories although the only series which it actually started to make a difference was Mario Kart: Double Dash!!

Light/Small/Feather Characters[edit]

Light/Small character karts are known for their high 0-60 times and amazing offroad skills, but they need those offroad skills because Bowser keeps shoving them offroad for most of the race; it is also a well known fact that light karts have low top speeds so they end up finishing miles behind anyone else. Most Light/Small Characters are generally too young to drive or too small to see out a windscreen so you will be hunted down by the police if you use them, these characters are:

Medium Characters[edit]

These characters tend to only be used because people like them, the karts they drive are balanced on most stats with a slight peak of acceleration meaning they are winning karts in the hands of a good driver but shit in the hands of a noob. The characters tend to be ones that appear in nearly every Mario game:

Heavy/Large/Cruiser Characters[edit]

Don't listen to noobs complaining of the bad acceleration because these characters are usually the ones that take the Gold, Silver and Bronze medal home with them. These characters reach neck-breaking speeds to shove light karts miles off the track as well as outstanding drift abilities, in other words DON'T FUCK WITH THEM. They are:

'Other' Characters[edit]

Nobody cares:


Items[edit]

Standard Items[edit]

The standard items range from quite powerful to bananas.

  • Green Turtle Shells: These come in singles or in threes. They slide along the ground and have an internal AI that disallows them from hitting anyone unless you are right behind them. However, due to the unique way the game works, the odds are that you will always be hit by shells rebounding off of walls.
  • Red Turtle Shells: They also come in singles or in threes, and automatically home in on the nearest opponent. They are more superior and more smarter than their retarded green counterparts. These are more fragile than their green counterparts, however.
  • Bananas: These can be trailed behind the kart or dropped. When another kart runs into one they spin around in circles, yet somehow end up facing the exact same direction they started in, losing time and precious momentum. Easy to avoid, but can be placed by good players right on the edge of cliffs so you slide off the edge.
  • Magic Mushroom (Also called Queen Mushroom, Mama Mushroom, Golden Mushroom, Lesbian Mushroom, and Naughty Girl Mushroom): these little drugs beauties propel the kart forward at a fast rate. No seriously. Mario did one of those once and ended up as a Mushroomhead groupie.
  • Bob-Bomb: A terrorist weapon that explodes quite powerfully, if you can manage to get it to hit anyone apart from yourself that is. The only ways it will hit someone else are if you throw it and it hits their car upon landing or some dimwit runs into it. Odds are throwing it behind you will cause the person trying to catch a tailwind off of you to drive into it, therefore blowing up both of you.
  • Stars: The Mario version of hallucinogenic drugs, they make everything speed up and glow pretty colors. Touching other people freaks them out and makes them get the hell away from you. A marching band on wheels will follow you and play catchy music.
  • Fake item box: A fake cube laid down by the player to fool other drivers into driving into them. A fake item box can usually be detected by it's distance from other cubes, upside down "?", and odd red coloration. There are some skilled players that will place these right behind another item box. Never fear; you'll get the item to blow the shit out of them anyway.
  • Squid Mcink: A dumbass squid some how flies through the air and then takes a big black dump on a player's screen, making it hard to see where you're going. Using a mushroom or boosting helps you wipe the shit off.
  • Lightning Bolt: Strikes all characters with a lightning bolt, hurling their biological system back in time so they become an infant again. However even though they become younger, they also accelerate their biological clocks so they grow up into their original selves again, except with a severe heart damage. This will normally hit you while you're flying over a gap, therefore making you plummet to the bottom.
  • Mega Mushroom: This is a way to educate kids about bulimia. It's okay to eat as much as you like, as long as you throw it back up within 10 seconds. Nintendo, of course, hides the vomit as they try to be even more kid-friendly. Like the Star, the marching band will again follow you and play catchy music.
  • Thunder Cloud: This lets you know that Thor couldn't be more pissed off at you. He'll even send a stupid looking cloud at you in advance of smiting you, just to let you know how helpless you really are. Especially helpful when you're alone, fucking dateless in your mom's basement, playing one-on-one online with some other social reject and desperately needing a mere mushroom to get back in the race. But no!!! The game gives you the fucking thunder cloud. Good luck winning when you're the size of a fucking thimble. Fuck this. It'll even send the big ol' thunder down on you while you're over a gap, just like the normal lightning. Fuck it.
  • Pow Block: A big peice of skill that hits anyone in front of the user, can be avoided by doing hopping. but is useless in 150 Mirror when every CPU avoids it.
  • Magic Bullet: The player transforms into a friggin' massive bullet bill and a stupid autopilot takes the player into first place, while killing anyone in the way. This must be another one of Nintendo's plots.
  • Boo: A Boo will make you disappear in the race, and steal an item from other players, causing you to violate the rules of Mario Kart. You'll be banned from the game forever. To get rid of it, go to the cliff or water (where available) or wait for a Lightning Bolt. This only appears in the game King Boo isn't playable in. Coincidence? I think not.
  • The Fucking Blue Shell: A flying blue piece of overpowered crap that homes in on the player in first place and blows the shit out of them. Guaranteed to detonate five inches from the finish line and cause you to finish 8th or worse. Causes extreme amounts of rage in people. Several players, deemed "Slide Mastas," have secretly honed the top secret technique of secretly sliding and jumping to avoid the MK64 shells; Nintendo has sought out this group of people and penalized them in the installment of the blue shell being able to fly.

Double Dash Special Items[edit]

  • Fireballs (Malleo and Weegee): Malleo throws fire flowers and Weegee throws Weegee stares in round, compact ballz of fire, they spread out down the track and have a short range so they can only be used on someone right in front of you. Fuck it.
  • Heart (Hottie 1 and Hottie 2): An item that appears so rarely that it is more likely to get a thunderbolt in first place, picks up 2 items but you generally pick up Bananas or Green Shells. Thunderbolts don't work and Blue Shells are just a waste of time to fire at yourself (you have to be stupid to do that).
  • Egg (Man and Husband Wife Tranny): An egg that Man gets in every position and acts like a Red shell, Except items that Tranny has fucked come out on breakage. This is not a very good move to use as the person can just drive on after they've been hit and pick up the Star that the egg left behind.
  • Chain Chomp (Baby Malleo and Baby Weegee); A loose chaim chomp is summoned by the babies who seem to be strong enougth to hold onto it, generally hurts all it touches. When the chain breaks it probably throws the babies into a deep chasm because the Chain Chomp is uniquely made.
  • Golden Mushroom (The Gay and the Slut): They have this item so no other characters can have it--morons. At least they learnt to share in Mario Kart DS and Mario Kart Wii (Bitches).

(Nintendo later stated that this was because Petey Piranha's original special item would cause a big mess. Or it would cause the Universe to implode on itself with the sheer epicness of a flower driving a car.)

The Arcade Version's Exclusive Items[edit]

Items all players can use[edit]

  • Haunted Frying Pan: This possessed cooking tool beats the crap out of the racer it hits.
  • Exploding Turtle Shell: Just like the red and green shells they come in singles and in threes. As their name shows these shells unlike the red and green ones make the victim hit spontaniously combust!
  • The T-virus: Makes the player's kart do wierd things depending on the color of the Virus.
  • Magic Tires: If you hit an enemy with one of these tires the tires on thier kart will automaticaly become the same shape, and size as the tire that hits him/her.
  • ROFL bag: Makes you ROFL when an attack misses you.
  • Mustache Pen: Vandalizes the icon of the closest player.


Tracks[edit]

There are a variety of different types of tracks, but that's just what Nintendo wants you to think, there are in reality only a few, and those not of the same are actually the same with different colours or obstacles. Nintendo used its tried-and-true formula of reusing old stuff and having people buy it anyway to create it's fantastic new tracks.

"Stadium Tracks"[edit]

Mainly consisting of only mud or dirt (or shit...) these are normally among the longest tracks and most annoying. You can expect glitched short cuts, immpossible corners and cheap budget names.

eg. Wario Stadium (N64), Wario Colosseum (GCN), Wario Stadium (DS)...

"Circuit Tracks"[edit]

Tarred, grassy tracks with huge cheesy billboards advertising nonexistent kart games and stupid products with words "King of Speed" printed on it or whatever the billboard says. These are basically named just like the Stadium Tracks: <insert name of Nintendo character> Circuit.

Examples: Mario Circuit (Any), Yoshi Circuit (GCN), Peach Circuit (Any), Luigi Circuit (GCN), Noob circuit (WTF)

"Farm Tracks"[edit]

These are tracks where the characters trespass onto a farmer's land. The farmer conveniently keeps misplacing his shotgun, so instead he sends out his moles to jump out and attack the characters. Also cows. FEAR THE COWS!

"Highway Tracks"[edit]

Cars, Trucks, Fish Vans and pointless Wiggler trains are just about the only thing you will see (and run into) on these Need for Speed style tracks. In more recent games the traffic vehicles disobey the highway code and do whatever the fuck they want and what's worse is no-one knows who is driving them so they can't be turned into the Police. Also a worthy note is some Guy made Bob-bomb cars to blow you up if you run into them.

Examples would be: Toads Turnpike (N64), Mushroom City (GCN), Shroom Ridge (DS) and Moonview Highway (Wii)

"Snowy Tracks"[edit]

Snow on the tar, ice, frozen water, various winter characters... yep its your classic "how the fuck" track. How do the engines stay warm enough to get a quick start? How do karts with giant lizards driving at 150cc manage to knocked down by waddling penguins? Why is it that Shy Guys get away with skating illegally on the track?

Example of tracks consist mainly of the same name with reference to snow: i.e: Frappe Snowland (N64), Snowland, Serbert Land (GCN), DK's Snowboard Cross (Wii)

King Kong ass driving over to Snowland to get some "uhh uhh" with a penguin.

"Ocean Tracks"[edit]

Not to be outdone, as it has been done in every A-grade, B-grade, F-grade and X-grade videogame (?) since pixels were put to sleep with the introduction of advanced graphics, there is coconut sounding music; a bunch of ocean tracks. Expect extremely fast moving tide conditions, beaches with no people, crabs that can make you spin around and Evil Knievel-like jumps. Also weird jumpy-flippy duck things called Cataquacks that come out and get you, or in the Wii version, FUCKING RAPE you right before the finish line. Get back to Super Mario Sunshine, you bitches.

For instance: Koopa Troopa Beach (N64), Peach Beach (GCN) and Koopa Cape (Wii)

"Sad Design Tracks"[edit]

Times when Nintendo just gave up and though "eh, screw it". Luigi Raceway is one long loop of a track, and previous versions had Figure 8 circuit in which the title does not lie and Baby Park which was an oval.

An oval. Seriously, you could make one drift and go across this track without needing to stop.

"Completely Random Tracks"[edit]

At times some of the Nintendo staff actually did something useful while completely stoned and created some of the 'better' tracks in Mario Kart. Generally filled with much scenery and an interesting track design, these tracks actually keep the money coming in or else Mario Kart wouldn't have even reached the GameCube (although putting it like that, maybe it was a bad idea). Still, these tracks are usually named after retarded characters or the general idea comes from Super Mario 64 or it's shitty DS counterpart.

Like: Yoshi Valley (N64), Daisy Cruiser (GCN), Waluigi Pinball (DS), Tick Tock Clock (DS), Toads Factory (Wii)


Bowser's castle[edit]

These tracks were just tracks which took place in Bowser's castle because apparently Bowser has go-kart length corridors and single file draw bridges in his castle. Involve thwomps, jumping fireballs, spinning flame wheels and lukewarm lava that doesn't harm anyone. Yea Because a Lakitu is totally gonna pull you outa that shit.

Such Castles Include: Bowser's Castle (N64), Bowser's Castle (DS), Bowser's Castle 1 (SNES), Bowser's Castle 2 (SNES), Bowser's Castle 3 (SNES) etc

Rainbow Road[edit]

These tracks, always on a multicolored raceway, are the last track in all games, and if played on for too long will leave the original player gay. The characters appear to be driving in space which defies the laws of physics as there is no oxygen or gravity in space. But then again most the stuff Mario and his friends do defies any and all laws of physics so much that you might as well curl up in a little ball right now.

Physics in Mario Kart[edit]

Video game gameplay physics of Mario Kart have long be known to be tremendously and highly complicated. It is an unlikely unknown fact that Albert Einstein spend the best years of life trying to understand the physics of Mario Kart. It is known that acceleration "a" times speed "s" divided by intensiveness of "getting blown apart by a Blue Shell" equals the velocity of the speed of the kart. However this all changed drastically when in Mario Kart Wii an intuitive idea that bikes should be added into the equation was brought in. The formula for bikes is still unknown.

SUPER MARIO TEMPLATE
Protagonists MarioPrincess PeachToad
Russia mario.jpg
Antagonists Donkey KongGoombaWario
Luigis Gay LuigiMama Luigi (Luigi's sojournMagic balloon)Weegee
Locations Mushroom KingdomAnother Castle®Yoshi's Park
Games Mario PartySuper Mario BrothersSuper Mario World
Whatnot Getting pushed into bananas (Mario Kart)Magic mushroomMariologyRaccoon Tail v. Super Mario CapeThe Mushroom Kingdom (band)