Luke Skywalker

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The fearless hero and cunning stunt man himself...
Ouch. Sorry, this way. Spinning in an X-Wing clearly doesn't make one more photogenic.

Jared Alexander "Luke Skywalker" Wignall (born May 16, 1994 Earth calender), first lifetime achievement award 1977, since he was an adult before finally being born, will die someday much to the chagrin of realism haters), also known as Saint Luke, Luke Duke, Evangelist of the New Age, Luke Warmwater (on Tuesdays), and occasionally as Not A Shortened, Mary-Sue-ish Form of Lucas, was... er, is a renowned experimentalist physicist, specializing in the properties of time, space (that blackish thing with white dots, you know), and various physical forces. His most famous achievement was debunking the popular air theory. He also kissed his sister which is kind of fucked up.

In the meantime, realizing that science would not earn him a single credit, he spends time performing on remote forest moons, pretending to make stuff float in the air... uhm, sorry, just float, culminating in the hobby invented by his relatively known relative, namely making himself look like a divine messenger (very useful for negotiations with primitive tribes who can potentially be handy in overthrowing a galactic government). As the famous Naboo officer would say: Kiss my Ass

He is reknowned among the Sith community for his poor vision, although this claim is disputed by both Luke and his ophthalmologist.

Biography[edit]

Skywalker doing what he does best.

Early days[edit]

Ever since his very birth, being a child of the Executor of the Galactic Empire and the Senator with a Terribly Tedious Title of Some Sovereign System, not to mention the Princess-without-a-planet in his long family manwitch, it was fairly obvious that Luke showed all signs of the destiny to become a bureaucrat with a similarly long designation, like Grand Master of some opiate of the masses organization or something like that. You get the trend. But to tell the truth, citizens of the so-called "New Republic" didn't feel that concerned, even less than with referring to their state as the "New" Republic, or even a fan service-ish federation of confederacies... I mean, alliances.(In his spare time he often screwed around killing rats and those little things what the hell are they i mean wtf)

There's not much to say about Luke's childhood, except that he violated the laws of the Empire by existing. However, as long as he lived a peaceful life on his dad's home planet and his grandma's former farm, under his real first and last name, with his dad's stepbrother, and near a wise, respectful Jedi Master who was never able to change his last name, only first (being poor, as Jedi could have no personal belongings besides fighters, air speeders, droids, electrum-decorated lightsabers, and tickets for group tours at Naboo lakeside resorts), the Empire was completely, utterly ignorant of his existence, let alone being out to get him. The empire was not ignorant completely of the Skywalker existence though as the planet Tattooine was one Darth Vader vowed never to return to along with Naboo.


Completely desperate to become a politician to annoy that girl he had a, uhm, Force bond with (not his sister, mind you, she wasn't one at that time), he once tried running for Mayor of Mos Eisley, but his candidature was rejected for being four hundred eighty one years below the age requirement (at that time set as five hundred by then-Mayor J. the H.). After that, he nominated himself for Clown, but was repelled by the cabal because his alleged banstick turned out to be an ordinary lightsaber. Devastated by these failures, he decided to set his sights on a lower goal: breaking the world record for most power converters picked up.

Rebellion and the Death Star experiment[edit]

It's a bird!

In 1977 AD, also known as 0 A.B.Y. (Arbitrary Battle Year), or something-exty B.B.E., A.G.R., or any other fancy numbering scheme those Star Wars nerds may have in mind, Luke Skywalker joined a top-secret organization (so top-secret that the member of this organization that recruited Luke, openly explained what it stood for) bent, or better to say obi-want, on assassinating His Papal Majesty and undermining the One True Cult, as well as conducting absurdist proofs that the contemporary scientific theories were leading to the dark side.

He also joined the noble Rebellion, for in every totalitarian society, ranging anywhere from one city to one galaxy, there exists a noble Rebellion that plans to overthrow the totalitarian rule at all costs. Luke immediately explained his master plan to overthrow the Emperor: if 90% of the galaxy is destroyed, the Emperor will just lose all interest in ruling the remaining 10% and retire. His plan was accepted with enthusiasm, and the Rebels immediately started blowing up whatever stuff they could find. Of course, the Imperials helped them greatly.

Although Luke's "extra-long" light saber impressed the girls, it caused problems at nightclubs. Here, we see that Barry Gibb has taken Luke's over sized weapon away before allowing him to enter.

When trying to blow up a moon, Luke, to his horror, discovered that what he saw was actually a place where all the lies in the universe rested. However, afraid that his friends would call him a sissy, he fired a well-placed shot into the ridiculously (and conveniently) easily accessible main reactor. Or maybe he misfired... wait, ignore the fact that Infinities exist.

After that, he was constantly questioned why he blew up both a planet and a peaceful research station. Luke's claims that the station allegedly destroyed the planet in the first place were dismissed, since everyone knew that no space station had the power to destroy a planet, only the universal plot hole-patching device had. Therefore, Luke spent the next three years trying to disguise his mistake as a deliberate science experiment. After this mistake Han Solo arranged an eye test for him. After going there it was found out that he was short-sighted, so from that day on he wore contact lenses. This became a slight problem though, as they kept falling out as him and the rebels went into light speed. This proves that he should have gone to space savers .

Working to replace the air theory[edit]

Having destroyed the Death Star, Luke realized that his experience during the destruction was quite different from what was predicted by the air theory. According to that theory, there was no air in space, so there should be no sound in space, and stuff shouldn't explode in flames because there's nothing in space to support burning. Contrary to that, Luke presented excessive evidence that sound can indeed travel through space and that the Death Star was a spectacular wreck. The Imperial scientific community felt completely confused and allowed Luke to replace the air theory with any other theory of his choice, no matter how implausible.

After chatting a lot with Obi-Wan Kenobi via Holonet, believing that Obi-Wan was dead and his hologram was actually his ghost, Luke at first tried to unite light and sound into one sense he called "electrosonic interaction", but when that quite didn't make sense, he instead built a generalized theory of all six senses (including the special Jedi sixth sense, nonsense) which united them into a supreme invisible world-shaping force. As this theory could explain everything, everyone immediately accepted it as a completely plausible and proven replacement for the air theory. The fact that nobody could get Luke's cryptic math writings may also have something to do with it.

As Luke explained everything concerning the Force, the Jedi had nothing more to do, which essentially led them to do what all normal people do: eat and drink like there's no tomorrow and sleep with whoever they want. Thus, Luke brought balance to the Force. It would make more sense if his father did it, but nobody noticed. After doing all this Luke did what he first set out to do and got some power converters from Tashi Station after his months of whining.

The Jedi Rebranding[edit]

Having brought down the evil Empire (who cares about N.P.O.V.? The Empire is evil by definition, let's spread the word throughout the entire wiki), Luke eventually founded a Jedi Academy on the most remote planet in the galaxy he could find, in an ancient temple of balls possessed by the spirit of an ancient Sith Lord.

After about five years, concerned with the lack of students, he left to seek possible survivors of Order 69, infamous for forcibly balancing (2 vs 2) the Force. He was shocked to find that it was impossible to run across a street without bumping into a Jedi, light or dark, thanks to the boost in Jedi ranks given by Star Wars: Galaxies players. Luke took the first generation of Jedi to his academy and managed to train a second one before these disconnected. Together with these new Jedi (whose numbers doubled every X days, thanks for Luke abolishing the old "You can sleep with whoever you want, but marriage is evil" Jedi rule, despite the fact that his own dad was a pretty good example of why that rule might have been a good idea), Luke fought and defeated a resurgent Empire, a resurgent Empire, a resurgent Empire, then (after he made peace with what was left of the Empire, namely three systems and half a moon in another system) a swarm of hostile aliens bent on conquering the galaxy and a swarm of hostile aliens bent on conquering the galaxy.

Finally, feeling that it got repetitive, Luke decided to commit suicide by dropping a moon on himself, as he found out that he was invulnerable (except in that one mission where he could actually die, being controlled by a stupid AI and having fewer hit points than Kyle Katarn), so he tried a last resort measure. (Being tied to a nuclear bomb would also probably work, but all the weapons of mass destruction in the galaxy had been blown up with Alderaan — actually, they were the reason why the Empire blew up Alderaan in the first place.) Too late did he realize that George Lucas tampered with his mind, so he moved a wrong moon and crashed Chewbacca to death instead of himself. It was from this day that true Jedi stopped eating Lucky Charms. (He also, subconsciously, made the hostile-aliens-bent-on-conquering-the-galaxy mistake Anakin Solo for his brother Jacen and kills him, but that's another story.)

The Gospel of Luke Skywalker[edit]

As a result of this accident, being forced to live, Luke decided to cope with it and oiled himself with the Fan Service™ anti-aging cream. He still lives, runs the Order of Saint Luke and looks like in Return of the Jedi, for all we know. He expressed his concerns about this in the bestseller I, Survivor, co-written with Wedge Antilles.

However, he was more famous for his research of the life of Jesus, the first Jedi, and his unpublished sonnets on monstrous testicles. The result of this research, the Gospel of Luke, was a graphical novel consisting of six episodes, some of them exceedingly graphic.

Luke was criticized by Jesus himself for being homosexual. Although Luke denied this claim, Han Solo claimed he was brutally raped by Luke when he was frozen in carbonite, and Chewbacca had naked pictures of Luke on his cell phone that he says Luke sent him to try to start a relationship.

  • Episode I: The Phantom Penis
    • A new star shines upon Bethlehem, everyone is puzzled. (It was later found out that the star was actually a falling starship carrying a pregnant Virgin Mary, full name Mary-Sue Naberrie, a distant relative of Luke's mom.)
  • Episode II: Attack of the Jews
    • Oscar Wilde, partnering with Generic Name the Baptist, takes over the passport service of Nazareth (to be confused with Azeroth and Mozenrath) and starts giving all volunteers a free name change to Jesus, in the hopes of later reusing them for his content-free encyclopedia project. He also builds an illegal Jesus cloning factory, having acquired a sample of Original Jesus' DNA. The clones, while officially bearing names like "62.253.224.14", are all colloquially referred to as "Jesus", with an optional prefix like "mechno" or "ultra", depending on the cloning technology used. The Jews then attacked.
Luke showing off his lightsaber to Han Solo his dear friend
  • Episode III: Revenge of the Shit
    • Having heard a prophecy saying that a messiah called Jesus is going to bring balance to the Force, King Herod (a pawn of Darth Tiberius, a notorious hater of running gags) orders Roman storm troopers to kill all people named Jesus. This results in the so-called "Great Jedi Purge", and Oscar Wilde is forced to "until the time is right, disappear". The time does not get right until 2005 due to the lack of synchronization devices.
  • Episode IV: A New Pope
    • The real Jesus, raised in the desert of Tatooine, appears in Jerusalem and founds Jedism, a new world religion, becoming the first (and only to date) Jedi to train twelve Padawans at once. The Romans try to do something about it, but, due to the Stormtroopers' clumsiness, they usually end up blowing up their own stuff. Luke Skywalker is a tool, the movie reveals.
  • Episode V: The Empire Rapes Back
    • Judas, concerned that Jesus wouldn't have gone down in history if he hadn't become a martyr, breaks the hyper drive of Jesus' donkey. Jesus is caught during an attempt to jump to desert space and crucified by the Emperor's right hand, Darth Pontius.
  • Episode VI: Return of the Levis 501 Button Fly Jeans
    • Jesus comes back just to annoy the Romans and then flies off. Credits roll. (This episode is often criticized as overly childish and "happily-ever-after"-ish, but Luke insists that it is true to history.)

The critical reaction was mixed, with some critics claiming Luke's portrayal of Jesus to be "the most truthful since Mark", while others hammering Luke for excessive attention to females (unsurprisingly, these lies were reprinted by Wikipedia). Nevertheless, it was a huge box office success, helping to further spread Jediism. Luke, however, never pardoned the Pope for turing these teachings into the Sith heresy that was Christianity.

Legacy™®©[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Luke Skywalker.

Dark Horse Error: Setting "Legacy" not found for subject "Luke Skywalker". Perhaps you were looking for the guy in Vader pants?

Luke today[edit]

Luke is currently eight hundred years old, though there is a rumor saying he died, and is 6 feet and 4 inches. He has also turned into a small green Muppet and reverses the order of words. He lives in a swamp on the planet Degoba with his wife, Mara Jade, whom he is teaching to become a Jedi, butt, of course, nobody cares since he's turned into an old toad lately.

He is constantly vexed by some wannabe Jedis who swear and blaspheme on his wiki page, and is in Rap Battles with Eminem, which he usually wins, but he also lets Em win sometimes.

Famous quotes[edit]

LUKE: But Uncle Ben, I want to join the rebellion! Please! I hate it here! (audible crying)

LUKE: (to Leia over the phone) So, uh... what are you wearing, sis?

LUKE: Starkiller is a way better name than Skywalker.

LUKE: It's great to see my reformed dad hanging with Yoda and Ben Kenobi! I guess two minutes of being nice makes up for slaughtering thousands of children! I should do that, considering it only takes one kill of a bad guy to redeem oneself!

LUKE: So... What do I do now?

LUKE: I have a bad feeling about this.

LUKE: This ejaculation probe is frighteningly large.

LUKE: I wonder, Leia... heh heh heh... could I blow your exhaust port up with my torpedo launcher? Don't worry, I'm cheap; your dad can keep your money.

LUKE: Th-that's not true!... That's IMPOSSIBLE!... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (After finding out somebody ate all the fudge pops)

Darth Vader: No Luke, I AM your father. Luke: But you have boobs... Darth Vader: Exactly Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Luke: Why doesn't Han ever stay at his post? He's always off running at every little stupid thing. (Hears Han in the background) Han: LEIA, I HEARD A NOISE!

Luke: Leia, if Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus can be brother and sister and still fuck, so can we.

See also[edit]