Marmite
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“I love it.”
~ 50% of the population
“I hate it.”
~ 50% of the population
“But Pa might not.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Marmite
“Thrush in a pot.”
~ Wise Old Man on Marmite
Marmite, foodstuff of heroes, is a British brand of petrol, more suitable for colder weather conditions than the Australian equivalent, Vegemite. Its flavour is a mystery, created by mixing burnt matches, rotten eggs, BBQ Sauce and the super secret mystery ingredient. Even so, it is, admittedly, an acquired taste which has become sought after by Marmite tourists the world over, traveling many miles to sample its delights. Marmite was previously piloted on the market as MarmShite™, Philadelphia Soft Shit, Shitella and I Can't Believe It's Not - even though it actually isn't.
Marmite is known for its notable advertising slogan, "I hate Marmite". This was intended to increase sales in the BDSM community. Unfortunately several prominent masochists found themselves not enjoying not enjoying the product, and successfully sued Marmite's manufacturers for misleading advertising.
It should not be confused with the similar products Natex (made from refined rubber) or Vecon (famous in the 1950s after appearing in an episode of the soap opera Dan Dare). It should not be confused with refined tar, as refined tar has a sweeter taste and less pungent aroma.
Few people know that Marmite is mined from underground wells and these are currently in operation in Harrogate in England(see below), northern Uzbekistan, Nigeria, Tanzania, Tennessee and Ecuador.
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[edit] Discovery
Marmite was first mined by the ancient Egyptians on around April 16 872 BC. However, it was soon forgotten about and then discovered by the Romans in 14 AD. However, the Romans chose to use it as a lubricating oil, rather than a foodstuff. It had been invented by Edward de Bono, inventor of everything, in AD 1234. By the fall of the Holy Roman Empire, Marmite resources had been exhausted and they were forced into using hot chilli oil as lubrication. In 2006, Lord George Richard Henry Lee of Leadington found a source of Marmite, which was found up the anus of James B. Scince then they have set up the international marmite mines, which employes the two founders and Alex Ross. They have had many successes in the food industry, but they have also experianced many mine collapses and a lot of broken rings. Occasionally they have received many sore digging tools, after they have been overused in the batty crease.
In 1960, oil drillers found a large well of Marmite a few miles out from Australia's Gold Coast. This baffled most scientific minds because, until then, the Southern Hemisphere had only yielded Vegemite. In the late 1960's, it was discovered that bees fed on Twiglets will produce Marmite.
[edit] Marmite in science
Marmite is the only known substance in the universe which actually absorbs energy. It even absorbs light, explaining why it has an unusual black surface. Scientists have a theory that if a Marmite atom were ever split (impossible because of its metamorphic shape) the energy released would destroy the entire universe seven times over.
[edit] Marmite and warfare
Marmite has been used in multiple wars, partly because of the distracting properties of it, but mainly because it is effective as a trap, shield, projectile and, in extreme cases, a snare for wildlife. Truly amazing.
It should be noted that the alleged poisoning of Walter Litvinenko, an ex Russian spy, was not carried out with polonium-210. Really, a shady enemy secretly waited until Litvinenko glanced away from his sushi dinner, and while he was distracted spooned enriched Marmite over the fish. Enriched Marmite is a radioactive element that is not found naturally, and so must be manufactured for use in war.
[edit] Marmite as a Musical Instrument
Marmite can be played as an instrument by stirring it with a spoon. A (possibly apocryphal) story in Jane's Defence Weekly in June 1850 suggested that experimental composer Mozart von Bach had written a fugue solely for a 'Marmitophone'. This instrument has never been recovered.
[edit] Hank Marmite
A guy who loves Marmite so much he has become insane. Rumour has it that he melted his own mother and mixed the liquid with super spices, then sold them to the public in the form of Marmite Xtreme.
It is rumoured that Hank then changed his name and fled to the Sinai area of Eygpt and now lives a life of solitude. Passing visitors have been known to throw jars of marmite at the male from tourist coaches.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
