Marshmallows
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With the invention of plastic came Marshmallows, (nicesnackius whitierus mallowius) the fluffy, white cylinders that are known to live in cupboards and basements. Also known to be cause of diabetes. The name "Marshmallows" comes from their early ancestry of sap, from the roots of the marshmallow plant. They are actually animals with small hyper-panoramic brains. Experts in the area of marshmallow research claim that they can run very quickly (they being the marshmallows, not the experts) but no one has ever actually seen one move. The reason for this is that they are victims of polio virus (they being the marshmallows, not the experts). Marshmallows have killed before and have done so through:
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[edit] The Marshmallow Uprising of 1472
(As said) Marshmallows are actually very intelligent animals. In the mid-1400s, they got fed up with being contained in plastic bags by humans and then being roasted alive and eaten, so they prepared to fight for the freedom of marshmallows everywhere. They built miniature electronic communications devices (humans took these as compasses) to coordinate their revolution, and the Supreme Council of Marshmallows spent many years making battle plans. On March 14, 1472, they began their assault. However, the Supreme Council had forgotten that marshmallows were much smaller than humans, and also soft and boneless. This was such a disadvantage to the marshmallow forces that the uprising lasted only 17 minutes before everything was back to normal. Many people never even realized that there was an uprising, and just thought that the bag of marshmallows had spilled onto the floor by accident.
[edit] When Dealing with Fluff
However, not all was bright and jolly in marshmallow town. It was in this time of times for marshmallow manufacturing that a dark cloud was about to shadow the entire business, nearly threatening the demise of the wonderful snack food that everyone loved so dearly. The time was 1917, and the place was Massachusetts. The enemy’s name was Max Mastadon…and he was selling the very first incarnation of Marshmallow Fluff, door-to-door. Due to budget restraints caused by the first World War, Mr. Mastadon had to cease the sale of his diabolical (scrumptious, though it may have been) poison…but the reign of terror was not yet through. He sold his idea of the insiduous marshmallow paste to Crane and Krain, an evil corporation with malicious intent for all, for a measly five-hundred dollars. By 1930, Fluff had grown powerful and cocky. They used any form of media they could to peddle their sinister wares. They advertised it as being the one and only way to achieve the “Fluffernutter”, a type of sandwich that had both selfish helpings of peanut butter and a thick layer of Fluff spread. Their radio show, featuring the Crane-Krain sirens of evil, the Flufferettes, helped finance military shipping during the little known WWIII, keeping the Fluff industry alive through the war. In 1948, however, someone stood up. Someone fought back. That someone was King Joffe Joffer…and he lived in Zamunda. He holds the esteemed position of being not only the inventor of the “Clap your Hands, Say Yeah, Have your Cake, and Eat it Too" process, a revolutionary new method of creating marshmallows that has not yet been proven not amazing on any counts, but he also was the sole victor of the Marshmallow War. His invention is not only seen every Thanksgiving as a traditional and entirely American topping for the sweetest of sweet potatoes, but it is also seen being dropped aplenty into hot chocolate, sealing always-delicious Rice Krispies Treats together, and being used in the wholesome family game which has never, EVER resulted in accidental casualties: Chubby Bunny.
[edit] General Feelings on the Consumption of Marshmallows
It has generally been considered that marshmallows had a very stong opposition to "Being Devoured". However, in recent years there have been a rise in the amount of "Marshmallow Suicides", or "Mihads" as some radical marshmallowist groups have called it. Many of these poor marshmallows inject themselves with salmonella, or strap bombs to their bodies. This has been condemned by the Supreme Council, who gave this statement;
"We here today have agreed that "Mihad" is against the rights of our people and the squishiness of our people. We will not stand for this! Raw eggs have now been banned from consumption of any marshmallow."
Michael Jackson reportedly eats so many marshmallows a day, that they are suspected to be the reason he is white and fluffy. Tasty, too.
[edit] Victims of Marshmallow Attacks
As said before, Marshmallows have killed and through methods such as Hot Chocolate and Diabetes. But the death rate (involving marshmallows) is unrecorded, but these brave yet creepy men have suffered infiltrating the Marshmallow Colonies. Victims that were impaled by these Marshmallows include (but are not limited to):
-Blue Man Group (turned blue from suffocation)
-Michael Jackson (turned white from jealousy)
FACTOID: More people suffer from a Marshmallow-related injury/death than shark attacks, bee stings, or scraped knees.
