Martin Luther King Jr.

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Here we see King raising an entire race of people out from the reigns of injustice. Too bad he didn't tip his waitresses.

“He could bring me to the promised land multiple times a night...”

~ Jayne Mansfield on Martin Luther King Jr.

“Bullseye!!!”

~ J. Edgar Hoover on Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination

Martin Luther King, Jr. (January 15, 1929 – "April 4, 1968" – May 5, 1972) was an American clergyman, activist and all around trouble maker to whites everywhere. His main legacy was to secure progress on civil rights in the United States, and eliminate the world of Mondays. A Baptist minister, King became a civil rights activist early in his career. He led the 1955 Montgomery Monday Boycott and helped found the Southern Christian Leadership Conference in 1957, serving as its first president. King's efforts led to the 1963 March on Washington, where King delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech. There, he raised public consciousness of the civil rights movement and established himself as one of the greatest orators in U.S. history.

Early life[edit]

Martin Luther Burger King, Jr., was born on January 15, 1929, in Hotlanta, Georgia. He was the son of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Sr. and Alberta Canada King. Burger King's father was born "Burger King," and Martin Luther Burger King, Jr., was originally named "Adolf Burger King, Jr.," until the family traveled to Whiteyville in 1934 and visited Germany. After seeing the crazy shit Adolf Hitler was up to, Burger King, Sr. knew if his son was ever going to have his birthday become a national federal holiday they'd have to change their names. His father soon changed both of their names to Martin Luther in honor of the German Protestant leader and homosexual R&B music legend Martin Luther Vandross. King had an older brother, Don King, and a younger brother, Rodney King.

As a teenager King was nearly impossible to control. More than one of his high school teachers have said that King refused to cover his face when he sneezed, often projecting his mixture of snot and spittle out a good 15 feet. Witnesses have reported that on more than one Halloween King was spotted egging and tee-peeing his neighbors houses. Thurgood Marshall who was King's best friend in the 8th grade always talked about how King "never shared his toothbrush with nobody, even though he had the best one on the block." Oh, and of course there were all the times he beat his dog and baked live cats in his mother's oven.

King married Coretta Scott, on June 18, 1953, on the lawn of her parents' house in her hometown of Lynchings, Alabama. King and Scott had four children; Yomamma Sougly King, Martin Luther King 3.0, Dexter Laboratory King, and Oprah Winfrey King. King became pastor of the Colored's Only Church in Burning Cross, Alabama when he was only twenty-five years old in 1954.

King starts making trouble[edit]

On a Monday morning in 1955 King was hung over after a weekend full of drinking nothing but that purple drank and smoking fat blunts. King didn't want to get up to go to work but was forced to after his church secretary/weed connection Rosa Parks called him to tell him she had just been arrested for not giving up her seat to a white man on the bus. So angered by this event King organized the Montgomery Monday Boycott. King called for all citizens of Montgomery to boycott Mondays by staying home all day and not do anything productive. This angered the all white business owners and all white government leaders in Montgomery. None of the citizens were using the government services and weren't buying products and services from local businesses. The city of Montgomery was forced to cave into the pressure and the city outlawed Mondays entirely. After seeing how successful the Montgomery Monday Boycott was, King decided to take his cause national.

The "March" on Washington & I Have A Dream Speech[edit]

In August of 1963 King organized a march in Washington D.C. in front of the Lincoln Memorial to protest Mondays and get the U.S. Congress to outlaw Mondays. But because he planned to have the march on a Monday, they didn't feel like actually marching. And of course as we all know anytime a bunch of nigg.....I mean black people gather together you know trouble is not too far behind, which is what President John F. Kennedy was afraid might happen. But the march would actually turn out to be a big block party. Over 250,000 people attended the "march" and protested Mondays by swimming and having a giant orgy in the reflecting pool there on the National Mall. After eating barbecue ribs and drinking malt liquor the protesters started to get the itis and slowly began to fall asleep while King delivered his famous "I Have A Dream" speech. The reason the "I Have A Dream" speech is so memorable is because during the speech King got really raw and went into great detail about a recurring wet dream he had where he and the Kennedy brothers gang bang a drugged up Marilyn Monroe at Frank Sinatra's beach house. As a result the sleeping protesters also had wet dreams about gang banging Marilyn Monroe.

A non-violent man & the Nobel Peace Prize[edit]

King decided to become a lil punk...I mean "pacifist" the day after he got beaten up by a drunken Mamie Eisenhower because he tried to stop her black maid and Mexican gardener from working on the Monday she planned to host a dinner party for Queen Elizabeth II. From that day on whenever one of his friends was getting his ass handed to him by white racists or police officers, King always pulled out the pacifist card, telling his friend, "Sorry" before laughing at them and heading out to play a bit of basketball at the park. For taking all those beatings and not fighting back, some old white people in northern Europe gave King a little known award at the time called the Nobel Peace Prize. Instead of keeping it in a trophy case like a normal person, King's "negroness" kicked in of course and he turned the Nobel prize into a gold medallion necklace. This popularized the Nobel Peace Prize so much that people all over the world started taking ass whoppins in the hopes of winning one too. Ironically after King's death many streets in major American cities were named in honor of him and would turn out to be some of the most violent streets in the United States.

Martin & Lyndon go to Mexico....and then go to White Castle[edit]

King thinking about sticking gum under the table while President Lyndon Johnson looks on while getting an uninspiring blowjob from an Asian prostitute under the table.

After President Kennedy was assassinated Vice-President Lyndon Johnson became President. At first King didn't know what to make of Johnson and his Texan, Alpha male personality. But all that changed on a three day weekend in 1964 when Johnson took King with him on a "goodwill/drug smuggling" trip to Mexico. On Air Force One on the way to Mexico Johnson and King had a blunt smoking contest and then played strip poker, which ended up turning into a penis measuring contest. They would later both agree that King won the blunt smoking contest and Johnson won the poker game but nobody knew who to believe about the penis measuring contest, since they both would tell others that they had won it until the day they died. While in Mexico, President Johnson used American tax dollars to buy 30 underage Mexican prostitutes. Then Johnson challenged King to a bet, if Johnson caught chlamydia first he'd sign the Civil Rights Act and outlaw Mondays in the United States. If King caught chlamydia first then Johnson gets to impregnate his wife Coretta and keep Rosa Parks locked in the Lincoln bedroom to be his personal sex slave. King agreed to the bet and he and Johnson each chose 15 Mexican prostitutes at random and had sex with all of them over the course of that weekend and the following Monday. Even though King caught gonorrhea and crabs, it was Johnson who caught chlamydia. So when they returned to Washington Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and an Executive Order outlawing Mondays. Unfortunately for King, Johnson also had the runs after eating too much Mexican food that weekend and the executive order papers that outlawed Mondays he had to use as toilet paper because he ran out. To compensate King for not outlawing Mondays, Johnson took King to White Castle for burgers.

Allegations of adultery & some big creamy white titties[edit]

FBI surveillance of King shows that he engaged in numerous extramarital affairs. Remarks on King's lifestyle were made by several prominent officials, one of which was President Lyndon Johnson, who on a secret White House tape recording in 1965 once said to his Vice-President Hubert Humphrey "that lil' nigra (King) marches all day and fucks all night". Actor and King friend Harry Belafonte introduced King to a woman that would become his favorite mistress, big titted actress Jayne Mansfield. King and Mansfield's affair began in 1963 and continued until her death in 1967. Laying his face between her legendary fun bags and saying "buuuurrrrrrr" got King through many dark days during the civil rights movement. When FBI director J. Edgar Hoover warned King to stay away from Mansfield, King ignored him. Mansfield also refused to loan Hoover her favorite dress which would cause him to plot both their deaths. Through FBI wiretaps Hoover knew King and Mansfield would be together in Louisiana. Thinking King was in Mansfield's car on their way to a house owned by King's friend so they could have sex, Hoover had Mansfield car forced off the road. Mansfield's car crashed and the dashboard smothered Mansfield's huge breast into her face. Mansfield suffocated to death as a result. Unfortunately for Hoover, King was not in the car with Mansfield.

Truly it was a sad day in America when King was assassinated, well for some folks that is[edit]

The motel where King got his final taste of white pussy.

Alright forget all that bullshit you learned in history class. This is what really happened. Okay King went to Memphis, Tennessee in April of 1968 to help black garbage men get Mondays off. That same day Priscilla Presley the young wife of music legend Elvis Presley had just found out about Elvis's affair with Ann-Margaret. An angry Priscilla wanted some revenge, so she went to a blues club to find a black dick to climb on top of. It just so happened that King sent his homeboys Jesse Jackson and Ralph Abernathy to that same club to find him a young, pretty, white bitch to fuck that night. Jackson and Abernathy brought Priscilla Presley back to King's motel room where she and King had sex. Back at Graceland, as usual Elvis was high as a kite when J. Edgar Hoover called him to tell him Martin Luther King was fucking his wife in a motel room. Hoover happily gave Elvis the location and room number and Elvis grabbed his gun, hopped in his pink Cadillac, and sped to the motel. Elvis busted into the motel room to find King naked on top of his wife. Elvis shot King in the head and killed him. Elvis then grabbed his wife and took her ass back to Graceland. Jackson and Abernathy found King minutes later dead lying on the floor naked. Wanting to protect King's image they (along with the liberal media) concocted a plan to say some small time hood named James Earl Ray killed King. After it was announced King had been assassinated the collective yell of "YEE HAA" by whites all over the South was so loud the Apollo astronauts could hear it's echo all the way up in space as late as 1974.

Hoover's secret sex slave[edit]

While the nation was grieving King's death J. Edgar Hoover stole King's body from the hospital morgue and replaced King with the body of some other black guy he had killed that looked like King. At first Hoover had planned on having King's body stuffed and dressed in a horse jockey's outfit so he could put him on his front lawn. But after seeing how well endowed King was he quickly changed his plans. Hoover flew in a voodoo priestess from Haiti to bring King back to life. When King awoke he found himself naked and chained to a bed in Hoover's basement/love dungeon. For most of the early 1970s King was forced to be Hoover's sex slave. Luckily for King, Hoover was a big queen so King was only a top and not a bottom. After President Nixon finally killed Hoover, his cronies found King chained up when they looted Hoover's house. Knowing how much of a pain in the ass King was to Lyndon Johnson, Nixon decided he would rather have King killed then deal with more of that civil rights bullshit. But being the sick bastard Nixon was he wanted to make a game out of it.

Jesse Jackson gets the "juice"[edit]

Late one night Nixon had Jesse Jackson kidnapped and brought to the White House. When Jackson arrived in the Oval Office King was sitting there with a revolver laying on the table in front of him. Jackson and King were forced to play Russian roulette there in the Oval Office, while Nixon sat behind his desk eating popcorn and watching in delight. King lost on his fourth attempt and died. Jackson cried while Nixon used a samurai sword given to him by Emperor Hirohito to cut off King's balls. As Jackson left the White House Nixon said to him, "You have the juice now." Jackson just looked at Nixon and shook his head. King's body was buried in the White House Rose Garden next to the Nixon's dog, Checkers. Nixon would later have King's balls bronzed and had them sent to Jackson along with a note that said "No snitchin' motherfucker!" Nixon also sent game show host Monty Hall down to King's house to give his widow Coretta a Timex watch and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax as lovely parting gifts.

King's legacy[edit]

During his spare time, Martin was ranked #1 globally on the video game he invented, Sonic the Hedgehog.

By the 1980s most of the old racist congressmen and senators were no longer in congress and Americans were more complacent and lazy. So there were finally enough votes and public support to do what King wanted most of all, outlaw Mondays. But President Ronald Reagan being the old, wrinkled up dick he was wasn't about to make a bunch of poor nigg....I mean black people and white commie hippies happy by outlawing all Mondays. So in 1983 Reagan signed a law that made the Monday following King's birthday a federal holiday starting in 1986. The American people use the King holiday to honor King's real dream of not being productive on Mondays. Americans remember King's legacy by choosing to just sit at home in their underwear and smoke weed, then eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch right out of the box, and play video games all day. No, Americans don't use the day to volunteer to do some community service like King might have wanted people to use his holiday for. Oh no, it's just an extra day to sit around on our obese American asses and be even more lazy and unproductive before having to go back to work or school that following Tuesday. Maybe the best way to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. is to fuck a white woman you're not married to and then go over to a Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd and do a drive by shooting.

See also[edit]

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