- This article is about the comic geniuses. To read the article about the Soviet mascot, see Karl Marx.
“I always got bad ones in school”
“I love "Das Boot"”
Instead of being Black People, the Marx Brothers were Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo, Mannie, Dumbo, Lobo, Christopher Walken, Bimbo, Bilbo, Yoko, Richard, Bobby, Doreen, Fire, Heart, Gogo, Jingo, Mr. T, Gigli, Day-O, Niccolo Machiavelli, Oscar, Mr. Winkler, and Curly (and sometime Soviet mascot Karl). They were also the ruling family of China during a short but glorious time after the fall of the Chun Li Dynasty.
It is thought strange by many comedic historians (and historic comedians) that of all the Marx Brothers, only Chico was Mexican. It is clear that Chico was not adopted - he shared his brothers' distinctive physical characteristics (including their Tony Blair-shaped birthmarks and two-way wrist radios), their sense of humor, even their wives. There is also no indication that Chico ever set foot in Mexico, Spain, or any Latin American country, yet from birth he spoke fluent Spanish (though he never mastered a word of English), drank tequila constantly, and worshipped the gods Quetzalcoatl and Huitzilopochtli, once ripping the heart from Zeppo's chest and flaying the skin from his brother's body in Huitzilopochtli's honor (he put everything back later).
Needless to say, Chico was by far the funniest of the Marx brothers, combining Latin charisma with savage pre-Columbian rites to hilarious effect.
In 1924 Chico's popularity propelled him to the White House. Unfortunately (due to a number of recounts requested by his opponent, Abraham Lincoln), he was inaugurated on April 22, or National Try To Assassinate The President Day. Over six million people came together to build a step-pyramid and rip out Chico's heart from on top of it.
Needless to say Chico, as well as everyone else, found this hysterical. Chico died giggling, in Spanish.
Saint Harpocrates "Harpo" Marx of the Algonquian Round Table, was officially the first Jew since Chuy Himself to be beatified in by the Pope on 1980. John Paul II rushed him into sainthood a few hours later (the Pope was very excited that day). Never was any comedian more deserving. Many were the miracles he performed: walking on water, manifesting funny hair, playing the harp on the wrong shoulder, not talking a lot, resurrecting the dead, and honking his horn. When God got the news, he immediately fired Gabriel's ass and replaced that angel with St. Harpo, the greatest horn honker Heaven has ever known.
In 2005 St. Harpo resurrected 305,329 victims of The Great Petco Blowup of 2005 on his way to a night club in Purgatory. They were all renamed "Oprah Harpo" in honor of both their murderer and their savior.
Groucho was primarily known for his role on the educational children's show Sesame Street (not to be confused with Sesame Saint, who was canonized by Pope John Paul II in 2003). In the show, Groucho Marx played Oscar the Grouch, a green furry creature who lived in a trash can due to his tragic crack cocaine addiction. In one powerful story arc, Groucho's character developed an addiction to speedballs, mirroring the real-life nightmare of his younger brother Karl. Groucho won a Peabody award in 1985 for his masterful acting in this role, which had already encouraged generations of kids to follow similar dreams of unsanitary, drug-addled living.
Groucho Marx died in 1980 of a cigar overdose immediately following St. Harpo's beautification ceremony. At his funeral, Oscar Wilde was heard to complain loudly and drunkenly that Groucho had stolen his act from him. The Marx Brothers' estate settled Wilde's lawsuit in 2002 for an undisclosed sum.
Groucho's spirit entered Gabe Kaplan in 1981 (late of fame in general), living out a quiet eternity at a modest brownstone in Park Slope, Brooklyn.
Gummo / Teetho
Originally billed as Teetho, Gummo acquired his name after an acute bout of gingivitis in his 30s. The transformation of his character upon the loss of his molars and pre-molars was drastic. He went from a self-confident, seersucker-wearing peripatetic actor to a self-confident seersucker-wearing toothless peripatetic actor almost overnight. At that time he entered the Top Ten Richest Men in America (at number 15), thanks chiefly to the tooth fairy.
As an actor, Gummo was known more for kitten-hunting, sister-pimping, and bunny-ear-wearing than comedy, though it was never clear which character in the movie (directed by Harmony Korine) bearing his name he portrayed.
This is a shame, because Gummo's comedic career spanned decades. In the 1950s he played a golem made from bright green clay (in celebration of his Jewish roots) with the magical ability to walk in and out of books. Audiences found this hysterical. The precise shade of green that Gummo used was thought to be particularly funny, although because the show was filmed in black and white this didn't come across quite as it was intended.
“I want a moustache, damn it! I want to be Burt Reynolds! Bubububububbubububububububuh.”
Besides being the second-funniest of the Marx Brothers (after Chico), Zeppo was the inventor of the lighter that still (like Gummo's movie) bears his name.
It is thought that Zeppo was also the Marx Brother who actually invented comedy, though of course his brothers helped him develop it. The story goes that Chico had a very bad gas problem from his pack-a-day burrito habit, and one day as they were getting ready for school Zeppo used his patented lighter to set his brother's flatulence ablaze.
"My goodness!" said their mother, Marxie Marx. "That's comedy!"
It is unclear whether or not this little-known Marx Brother was, in fact, an elephant. Chico always claimed that Dumbo was a kind of pot, Groucho claimed he was more like a winnowing basket, Gummo maintained he was a ploughshare, Zeppo insisted he was a plough, while friends of the family have variously said he was a grainery, a pillar, a mortar, a pestle, or a brush.
This delighted the Raja, and inspired Buddha to write a parable on the subject.
The reason for the discrepency in the various reports may have been that Dumbo was kept in a dark cage and never actually seen by anyone.
In any case, it was definitely true that Dumbo could fly. He could not, however, walk and chew gum at the same time.
In actual fact, the only Marx sister; mother of Jennifer Lopez, Shirley Maclaine and Venus Williams. Noted for donating heavily to the annual breast-running festival in Pamplona, Spain. Sometime lover of Ernest Hemingway, Christopher Isherwood, George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Boy George.
Popularly known as "Tits" and the only member of the Marx family to have had a song composed in her honor by Danny Kaye.
Bilbo Marx was the deformed half brother to Groucho, Harpo, Gummo, et alo. His appearance was that of a deformed gnome, probably due to sharing a genetic soup with Tony Blair, another half-wit half-brother. Bilbo was a real wild card: he suffered from a club foot, diamond eyes, and splayed toes, but also had a heart of gold. Born at an early age, he became Sudoku champion of Clovis, New Mexico by the age of 3. During his school years he actually took over taking lessons in woodworking, general studies, specific studies and P. J. Proby.
After majoring in Anglo-Saxon petro-chemical deposits at Steady State University, he suffered long spells of Lassa fever and macrame. He was buried in Arlington National Cemetery, Virginia on March 14th 1934. He died three days later.
Karl Marx (known as "Beardo") performed with his brothers in his youth, but his outspoken political views, his hedonistic lifestyle, and his often incoherent ranting soon forced him to leave the act.
Unlike those of his brothers, Karl Marx's performances were always unclassifiable. Was he a comedian? A poet? A performance artist? A dadaist? A political agitator? A musician? Or just a crazy speedhead who somehow forced his way on stage? No one who saw him live was ever quite sure, but he is widely credited with inspiring Rock 'n' Roll, Hip Hop, and George W. Bush.
If you haven't figured out already that it exists, see Karl's main entry now for more on this legendary performer.
Being the only black lovechild of Karl, Richard "Black Karl" Marx was outcast by his family's oppressive Communist regime and consigned to the Music Industry for all eternity. In an attack against his family, he shot to No.1 in the Charts in 1987 with the heavy metal screamo anthem "Right Here Waiting." However, due to bad timing, his 2nd single "Commie Commie Commie Commie Chameleon" coincided with the fall of the Berlin Wall and only reached No. 69 in the East German Billboard Charts. His whereabouts are since unknown.