Mass Effect

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“It's Massively Effective!”

~ Pokemon on Mass Effect

Mass Effect is a SUPEROMGNEXTGEN error for the Xbox 360 and PC developed by the good folks at BioWare. Mass Effect features SUPEROMGGRAFIX, along with a very well-made SUPEROMGSTORYLINE supported by some of the best SUPEROMGCHARACTERZ. And, in true BioWare form, Mass Effect takes the player on a SUPEROMGJOURNEY to save the galaxy. Wow, the originality is just overwhelming. This game shall alsobe known as Mass Erect for it SUPEROMGSEX scene which you could encounter if you flirt to much in-game. In the game, you play as Commander Shepard, a human Spectre(basicly a super secret agent with his own spaceship and alien co-workers) in charge of galactic security. Now, get ready for this unbelievably original plot twist. A Dark Prophecy© predicts that every 50,000 years a race of Machines Determined to Destroy All Advanced Life© come and Slaughter Trillions©. You© must Save the Galaxy© from this Evil Force©.

Story[edit]

“Shepard.”

~ Urdnot Wrex on Commander Shepard

“Wrex.”

~ Commander Shepard on Urdnot Wrex

In a galaxy where all life forms speaks fluent english, the epic BioWare storyline goes like this. You are Commander Shepard, the most friggin awesome human being to ever exist, hands down. You are a reincarnation of Jesus, Chuck Norris, Mr T, leonidas, Gordon Freeman, Master Chief, George S. Patton, Shaquille O'Neal, Luke Skywalker, Lara Croft, Joseph Stalin, Jean Grey, Jesse McCartney, Captain Kirk, Albus Dumbeldore, Tara Maclay, Jessica Alba, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Pac-Man, The Scorpion King, Darth Vader, George W. Bush, Buhdda, Julius Caesar, Gary From work (that awesome guy) and T-BONE PHELPS(The Awesomest) combined. Simply put, you cannot be touched, except when you want to be. You start off serving aboard a super-hyper-advanced human starship called the Normandy, also known as the "SS Acid Trip," which can pwn Einstein by going faster than the speed of light. Ships in this world get around the galaxy via Mass Relays, which are basically massive floating platforms of pure win that teleport ships across the galaxy. The relays, along with pretty much all other technology, were created by an extinct race called the Protheans, who are made of win (except during that time they were annihilated, but that was a mulligan). Anyway, you’re serving on this ship captained by that black guy who does the voices for every single badass black guy in every single game ever created.

For the tutorial, you, Carth party member Kaidan, and a redshirt named Jenkins, who exists only to die, must rescue a peaceful colony from the tyrannically evil hypochondriac bird-man Saren (because there's nothing better than striking a back-woods planet with zero strategic advantages). After finding some ancient technology,(thats not really freaking ancient in our time) you set out on a quest to stop Saren, who is trying to bring back the Necrons Skynet Cylons Decepticons Full Metal Cthulhus Machines Determined to Destroy All Advanced Life©, (stolen from the Matrix) because he is that much of an asswipe. After that, you go to the Citadel, a space station that is the center of the galactic community and home to the Council. After talking to the council, you become the first human Specter and are assigned to bring down Saren by yourself cause the council has turned to galactic jelly. You must fight his army of advanced AI androids and mercenary pseudo-alligators in order to defeat him.

You start by going to a barren wasteland planet to rescue a socially inept blue chick who does nothing but inept socially. Don’t worry, you can Captain Kirk her later. Then you go to Evil Science World© to commit genocide and kill the blue chick’s mommy. It's a very sad thing to do, 'cause she's pretty hot. Seriously. Smoking. Then you go to a tiny colony and rescue some people who are under the mental control of a tree. Finally, you go to the Everglades Virmire where either you or Miss Xenophobe kills you best buddy Wrex and then meet Saren over tea. Then you talk to a holographic image of one of the evil machines, Megatron – the single best part of the game.

Finally, after finding out what you need to know, which isn't much, go to Troy Space Troy Ilos, an ancient Prothean planet, to stop Saren and his army of psychotic metal Disney characters. Of course, he gets away, and you must fight the Epic Final Battle© in the Citadel. After killing Saren (and his alter ego MegaSaren), you make the Earth-Shattering Choice© of whether to save the Council at the expense of the human fleet, or tell them to fuck themselves and just kill the massive machine threatening the destruction of the galaxy.

Note: The choice you make here WILL massively effect what happens in Mass Effect 2! (Makes you wonder if it was a bad idea to screw that one chick)

Note: New screenshots for mass effect 3 have been releised fetureing Shepard pointlesly shooting at a reaper, the return of rex, a new Quagmire skin, Girl on girl action again, [yay] The abillity to KILL everything and everyone, and the new and most ferociese enemy in the entire mass effect series Ryan Secrest

Characters[edit]

Mass Effect 1

  • Commander Shepard Revan v2: You. As far as anyone cares, you do not have a first name. You're like God, or Sting. Thomas Hobbes once wrote that all men are born evil, and laws are created to quell human hatred and greed. So it only makes sense that you are given complete authority to transgress galactic law, and receive no consequence when you do. Also, you come from a family of ridiculous cultural diversity, and are unable to claim identity of one particular race.
  • John Shepard Mark Vanderloo: The default guy. Because of your lack of imagination, you are now playing as a crazy dutch bastard who joined the Alliance after filming an advert for a new Hugo Boss fragrance for Turians.
  • Ashley Williams Racist: Remember that girlfriend who had particularly venomous racial views, which she would sneak into jokes? And remember the night you decided to look into her closet and found KKK Robes, but you didnt leave her because either you are a racist yourself or entranced by her beauty? This is her. Even so, some of her best friends are turians. Until she gets them lynched, that is. She is often chosen to die on Virmire, especially if she kills Wrex on that planet.
  • Kaiden Carth 2.0 hottie Pussy: many were excited when they spotted the first KOTOR reference in the game, but then they realized they did not like the person they were referencing.
  • Garrus Bauer Arbiter: Although he has as much power and jurisdiction as a mall cop, Garrus is a badass alien who believes that the ends justify the means. Before his incredibly daring and important vigilante missions, his duties included keeping people from loitering around the ambassador's office and to keep teenagers from throwing things off the food court and into space. The transgressors of the citadel mall of the universe were quickly quelled and assassinated through Garrus's mastery over long range weapons. Interestingly enough, he has a doctorate in theoretical algebra (which is interesting because most turians have a doctorate in actual algebra). Garrus is also known for not being able to form his own opinion on anything, relying on Revan v2 to tell him what his opinion is, but he has a plethora of one-liners in Mass Effect 2, so it doesn't matter.
  • UrDo'not Wrex Wrecks: He is named "wrex" for the sole reason that he can build sturdy objects and is a productive member of society. He seems to be upset at the rest of the universe due to the disease that infected his people, which turned any attempts of reproduction into retarded alien babies.
  • Captain "Action Jackson Anderson" Anderson Barack Obamaor Paragon: Although decorated and valorous, he has never actually been seen in combat, Attributed to be the greatest Captain of all time who is human, he served aboard the Normandy, and is named captain Anderson. His position was usurped in 2523 when Master Chief felt he wasn't getting paid enough and crossed-over into this game for a while. Before that, however, Anderson had assumed his post on the USS Normandy after the events of "super mario brothers 2", the little known spiritual successor to mass effect.
  • Ambassador Udina Senator Palpatine II Extra Renegade Point Giver: Representative for humanity, so naturally he's a prick. His aggressive politics have earned him a punch in the face. Some believe him to be the reincarnation of Hitler.
  • Saren Evil 1.5: a turian computer programmer who spent so much time on the computer, it fused with his body. He then imagined the world to be the most photorealistic game of Quake II he had ever played, and proceeded with a massacre of inhuman proportions (but not enough to surprise the asari). His death, he claimed, was due to gratuitous amounts of what he called "lag", which was attributed to the fact that he was dying. AIM screen-name: CutesyBunnyFooFoo101
  • HK-47 Joker: Your strange ass makeup wearing pilot, who seems to enjoy playing with little kids (Usually with a stick of dynamite) and reciting "Why so serious" after something tragic has occurred. Also, much like FDR, he is a cripple, and it was all his fault, what a tool he was!Apparently, he lies about being handicapped to get the best parking spots in the galaxy!
  • The Council The Bigheads: Despite being the most powerful legislative body in the known universe at the time, their only powers over the legal process are "stern talkings to" and annihilation of entire planets.

Mass Effect 2

  • Jacob Taylor Token Black Guy: Jacob is a former Alliance soldier who was put into the game so that they don't look racist. Just a nice guy working for terrorists, happens all the time. Remember him from the iPhone game? No? Never mind then...
  • Miranda Madonna Mai Valentine: A ruthless piece of work who shamelessly works for an amoral terrorist cell, but really she's a nice girl. She wants to stick a control chip in your brain, but she cares about her sister, so that makes everything alright. Fond of entering battlefield situations in an outfit that even Barberella thought was a bit skanky. Nice ass though.
  • Mordin Solus TheVeryModelOfAScientistSalarian: SalarianScientist. FormermemberofSalarianSpecialTasksGroup. StudiedKroganGenophage. Modifiedit. NowworksforShepardandhisCerberuscronies. Tried..to...slow...down...butjustcouldntdoit. Likeallsalarianshe(notsosecretly)sniffsglue. Thisiswhysalariansdontlivepast40.
  • Jack P!nk's Wet Dream: Jack, on the surface, is a childish high-school outcast posing as a sadomasochistic biotic goddess of destruction. She blasts through 2-3 YMIR Mechs at once when you first meet her, but why can't she do that later in the game? The Miranda hater's favorite character.
  • Grunt Leonidas: To avoid excessive exposure to Wrex's awesomeness and so people can get more Krogan in their lives, Bioware decided to create the perfect Krogan, but after EA took over Bioware, the Krogan disappeared, but Shepard found it in the hands of Warlord Okeer, claiming he created the Krogan, resulting in Okeer being obliterated by the might of Wrex and Shepard getting the Krogan and releasing it. When Grunt is not wrecking the Normandy, he pushes Turians into pits whilst shouting "I AM KROGAN!".
  • Samara CLEAVEAGE!: Samara is a Justicar, meaning she IS the law. Don't do anything wrong while she's around, unless you're desperate to "find peace in the embrace of the goddess". During her loyalty mission you can choose to kill her daughter or betray her, but you're not that much of an asshole right? RIGHT?!
  • Legion UB3RL33TNUBPWN3R: Legion is a geth known for being the No1 Counter Strike player in the galaxy. He h4x0red some N7 Armor off of Shepard once, but got VAC banned for it and had to buy Counter Strike again. Now he tries to convert the Heretics, a Geth CS team known for excessive hacking. He is the only one who can use the Widow Anti-Material Rifle, but he just calls it an AWP.
  • Thane Krios Warrior Monk Hardcore Obi-wan: Thane was given to jellyfish so he could kill for them because his parents are that big of dicks. Oh wait, no, they agreed to slavery because the jellies saved them, right. Anyways, Karma killed Thane's wife because he killed a bunch of people, but it wasn't really him(?). This lead to him taking up smoking, which gave him cancer. He is now suicidal and prone to reciting poetry.
  • Harbinger ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL: Harbinger is a reaper (although the council has dismissed that claim) that seems to take the form of the collector general. He is a control freak, but most notably, a direct control freak.
  • Zaeed Big God'amn Hero: Zaeed is the god'amn limey that joins your god'amn squad when you download him off of the god'amn Cerberus Network. The new leader of the god'amn Blue Suns, Vido Santiago put a bullet in his god'amn head. But bullets don't stop a god'amn badass like Zaeed, and now he wants some god'amn revenge.
  • Biotic God Zeus He is a biotic god! Fear him lesser creatures, for he is biotics made flesh. Possibly a descendant of Chuck Norris.

Reception[edit]

Mass Effect was generally loathed by critics for being too space aged. The same complaint had been used aganist BioWare's previous Knights of the Old Republic. However, according to GameRankings, it has a 191% positive score.

Sex Scene Controversy[edit]

As soon as the game was released, concerned mothers and Christians began to complain about the OMGSUPERGRAPHIC sex scene(s). Fox News later did a report on the issue with the heading SEXbox? The so-called video game expert completely shut down a bitch who put a picture of herself looking a lot hotter than she really is on the cover of her book about perfection.

Once Fox News found out that there was a variation of the sex scene that involved an alien, they called for an immediate boycott of the game. They claimed that a sex scene involving members of different species would cause an increase in sheep molestation by gamers. The boycott was called off, however, when it was discovered that you could have hot girl on girl inter-species sex in the game. All parties involved agreed that this was a good thing that could be enjoyed by everyone.

Also, Singapore banned the game for several days before changing their mind and giving it an M18 rating due to the gratuitous sex scene. This is why we only look to them as distributors of remote controls.

All of these people who wanted the game boycotted are a bunch of insecure virginal (heehee, virginal) pricky cocksuckers who think they're goodie lil' Christians. Well, then, go fuck yourself. That's right. Mothers, Fathers, dead relatives etc. who think this game should be completely erased off the face of the Earth can all suck a big fat dick. Enough said.

To the shock of the American press the BBFC passed the game with an uncut 12 certificate. This sent shockwaves across the United Kingdom, as previously saintly little children turned into maniacal perverts, society shattered into a writhing body of warring savages, islands were engulfed by the ravenous oceans and the lord reigned fire down on the British for daring to expose this faggotry to little tots. It was a tough couple of weeks clearing all that mess up.

Recent Developments[edit]

A previously unexpected PC version was released on May 28, 2008. The game, however, lacked many of features that made the Xbox 360 incarnation so desirable (particularly the feature where you could bang the blue chick incessantly). Crisper graphics made the game look too clean; bacon was eventually used to fix this problem. A new interface for talents reduced the once challenging-to-manipulate radial dials into overly simplistic hot key configurations. Also, the elegantly designed button pressing mini game for decryption was replaced with a "How to Program in C++" instruction manual.

New features were also added, such as the ability to not walk out of an elevator after it had arrived at its destination and crashing while quicksaving and walking at the same time (an add-on applauded by many seniors).

The first piece of downloadable content, Bringing Down the Sky, was released for the Xbox 360, where you must rescue an asteroid from four-eyed terrorists, so that it could crash into a planet immediately afterward, killing millions. But, hey, you're Commander Shepard. Fuck 'em.