Master Chief

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He looks so sexy in that armor

β€œ[email protected] ch33f iz a pretty kool guy. He killd all teh aleins an doesnt afraid of anything!”

~ An 8 year-old MLG on The Chief

β€œOne stylish motherfucker.”

Master Chief, (real name John) a.k.a. The Best Soldier in the World, is the King of Badass, war hero and star of the popular game series Halo. He is always seen in his green armor and carrying a gun or two, and speaks very little. His service tag is John 117.

Early Life[edit]

Master Chief as a baby

John was born on a human colony on a different planet. He loved to play games and always win at them. He was so unbeatable that his fellow school students called him Mini Chuck Norris. He was particularly good at Monopoly One day at the age of six a women and a soldier man called Jacob Keyes, came to see him if he is a good canidate for their secret project of super soldiers. He passed the test (which was guessing a coin flip, that lucky bastard), and was taken from his home planet and replaced with a clone so nobody knew he was gone. He got many years of training and got special steroids that quadroupled his strength, speed, accuracy, and allowing him to have an orgasm at mach 5. But it wasn't until he played a game of Monopoly against Jacob Keyes that his true potential was realized. Keyes was beaten in 5 seconds, an interplanetary record. Keyes was amazed...the prophecy was going to come true in his lifetime.

Military Career[edit]

After John got recruited (read:stolen from his parents and forced to undergo horrifying body-altering experiences that would forever scar him-emotionally), he was appointed UNSC Goodwill Ambassador to the Shittiest Places Nobody Gives A Flying Fuck About (in other words, the unimportant outer colonies). The Chief was, needless to say, bored with this job. But he did have a favourite planet-a place called Harvest. His favourite part about being on the planet was undoubtedly the Festival of the Pumpkin Patch Kids, where people under the age of 12 would laugh and sing and dance and have fun. Chief was originally rejected because he was too old, but when he crushed the admissions officer's skull with his bare hands the kids gladly accepted him into their group and hailed him as their hero.

A couple years later, a group of aliens known as the Covenant wanted to join in the fun too. But the kids thought they were too 'weird' to play, so the Covenant responded by bombing the fuck out of the entire planet and massacring the survivors. When John heard the news, he was devastated. He flew into a rage, beat up Bozo the Clown and began a total change in personality, from the happy-go-lucky Goodwill Ambassador to the unbelievably badass supersoldier with the gravely voice that we all know him as today.

UNSC High Command only found out about the bombing of Harvest around two weeks later (the Covenant also took down the Interplanetary Cellphone Line and Space TV Network, slowing down the UNSC response). When they did, all available UNSC personnel were assembled to defend the colonies. But the Covenant continued to gain ground, still pissed off that they hadn't been allowed to play games (particularly Monopoly:Interstellar Edition) on Harvest. John was still a child at this point, but he was maturing fast.

Flash forward 30 years...

At this point, John was the #1 soldier in all the UNSC. He had over 39257534946784396734 confirmed kills and the number was rising. A signature move of his was beating the enemy to death with a Monopoly: Interstellar Edition game board while shouting "DO YOU WANNA PLAY NOW, BITCH?" He was good friends with Captain Jacob Keyes and Cortana (a holographic chick he kept in his armour at all, not like that). One day, the Covenant got tired of just assing around and decided to deal a crippling blow to the humans by attacking the fortress world of Reach (also the manufacturing headquarters for Monopoly: Interstellar Edition). They attacked full force, wiping out all human resistance and capturing the Monopoly factories, the main source of the UNSC's income (not to mention the UNSC used Monopoly: Interstellar Edition game boards to plan out their war strategies). The UNSC was sent reeling. John and Captain Keyes managed to escape abaord the ship Pillar of Autumn, but where they went afterward would change John forever...


The Pillar of Autumn arrived in space near a strange ring-shaped superstructure floating in space. Before Cortana could figure out what it was the Covenant arrived and boarded the ship, slaughtering everybody as usual. A handful of survivors landed on the surface of the ring world, now known to them as Halo. John was extremely pissed off about all this and resolved to randomly fight his way across the ring world, slaughtering everybody in his path. This strategy proved surprisingly ineffective. Keyes was captured and imprisoned by the Covenant forces, so Chief rescued him. The Covenant were guarding a map room so Chief broke into it and slaughtered everybody in true Chief fashion. The mission was quickly getting nowhere fast so chief decided to go and chill out in a swamp, where he was attacked by strange lepers and syphilis-infected people (or so he thought). Chief ran away and found an extremely annoying floating ball of shit that he termed 343 Guilty Spark (to this day, nobody knows what the hell that means). Spark informed him that he had actually been attacked by the Flood, a group of mutant superheroes who strove to bring justice to the galaxy. Chief resolved that he would slaughter them all. Spark informed him that Halo was in fact a weapon that could be used to destroy the Flood, and so he fought his way to the Control Room of Halo itself, only to find out from Cortana that it was a weapon made to destroy the universe and so he fought his way back through all the shit he'd just been through and killed a whole shitload of people and blew stuff up and threw grenades and had sex and finally destroyed Halo while escpaing on a conveniently placed fighter jet. On the way out, however, his mentor Keyes was shot in the chest by a Covenant Elite. As he lay dying inside the fighter jet, his last words were... 'Long ago, a prophecy was foretold that a man born under the sign of Capricorn and who had extraordinary Monopoly-playing powers would rise up and save humanity from the very game he was so good are the one...fulfill...the...prophecy...BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!' and then he died. Chief resolved that he would fulfill the prophecy and honor his dying master's final wish!

The Other Halo[edit]

Shortly after the events of the first Halo, the Master Chief and Sergeant Avery Johnson were commended for their actions at Halo during a recognition ceremony aboard a Big MAC platform orbiting Earth. Lord Hood awarded the two hardasses alongside Commander Miranda Keyes, the bitchy daughter of the badass Captain Keyes, who accepted a medal on behalf of her deceased father. Chief and Johnson were quite upset that the Trio of Badassery had been broken up so they were looking for a new member. It was around this time that the Chief had begun to develop an affinity for childish and tasteless pranks, such as presenting off-planet guests with a freeze-dried rat as a welcoming gift.

Shortly after the ceremony ended, a Covenant fleet appeared outside Earth's defensive perimeter, led by a guy known only as Regret. While the UNSC managed to repel most of the surprisingly small fleet, a single Covenant cruiser carrying Regret flew through the orbital platforms to the city of New Mombasa, Kenya.

The Master Chief landed on the surface along with Johnson, and together, they singlehandedly slaughtered the Covenant invasion force. With his fleet destroyed, Regret ran for his life and Keyes, Johnson, Cortana and the Master Chief followed aboard the ship In Amber Clad just as a random explosion fucking annihilates much of the city. The crew discovers another Halo installation; realizing the danger the ring presents, the Master Chief was sent to kill Regret while Keyes and Johnson found Halo's key to activation, the Index (short for The Index Finger That Fingered Jessica Alba).

Meanwhile, a disgraced Covenant commander was presented before the Monopoly Lovers Club-the leaders of the Covenant- who acknowledged that though the destruction of Halo was his fault, he can redeem himself. The Club offers him the honored position of Arbiter so that he can continue to fight and play Monopoly with honor.

Responding to Regret's distress call, the Covenant worldship HMS Monopolyville and the Covenant fleet arrive at the new Halo to defend Regret from the Master Chief. In the face of certain defeat, the Chief challenged Regret to a game of Monopoly: Interstellar Edition. Regret had never been beaten at the game so he agreed to play. But within 5 minutes, the Chief had 3 monopolies! Rgeret broke down in tears, and the Chief decapitated him with the game board. The Covenant responded by bombing the temple where the game was played, causing the Chief to fall into a lake, where he was abducted by a giant octopus named Gravemind.

The death of Regret sowed seeds of discord among the races of the Covenant, as the sinister race known only as monkey men were given the Elites traditional job of protecting the Monopoly Lovers Club. The Gravemind sent the Arbiter and Master Chief to different places to stop Halo's activation. The Master Chief was teleported to Monopolyville, the capital of the Covenant itself, where a civil war broke out among the Covenant-between the Monkey Monopoly Men(led by the monkey men) and the Monopoly Haters (led by the Elites); In Amber Clad crashed into the city, and Cortana realized that Gravemind used them as a distraction to infest In Amber Clad and spread the Flood superheroes. As the Flood overran the city, battling crime,hate and board games in the process, the Master Chief followed the Prophet of Truth aboard a Monopoly man ship leaving the city. Cortana remained behind to destroy Monopolyville and Halo if Mr. Mohawk( the leader of the Monkey Monopoly Men and a living descendant of the legendary Mr. T) succeeded in activating the ring, thereby forcing the citizens of the galaxy to play Monopoly until brain matter began to drip out of their ears.

The Arbiter was sent to the surface of Halo, where he rallied his fellow Elites to assault the MMM position. With the help of Johnson, he confronted Mr. Mohawk in Halo's control room. When the Arbiter tried to convince Mr. Mohawk that the Monopoly Lovers Club had betrayed them both by stealing all the game pieces, Mr. Mohawk angrily activated the ring, and a battle ensued. The Arbiter's energy sword (infused with the Power of Greyskull) went up against Mr. Mohawk's gravity hammer (infused with the power of Monopoly). After a fierce battle, the Arbiter severed Mr. Mohawk's right arm and shot him in the chest several times with a plasma rifle, severely scorching his flesh and mortally wounding him. Mr. Mohawk's last words were "I just wish I could've played last time." Seconds later, he fell to his knees and the Arbiter shot him in the face. Keyes removed the Index, de-activating Halo. Instead of shutting down the ring entirely, the unexpected shutdown of the ring triggered a system-wide failsafe, putting Installation 05 and all the other rings on standby for activation from a remote location, which Guilty Spark referred to as "the Ark".

As Truth's ship arrived amidst a raging Monopoly game on Earth, Lord Hood asked the Master Chief what he is doing aboard the ship. The Chief replied he was "finishing this fight"...

The Other Other Halo[edit]

Shortly after the events of the other Halo, the Master Chief entered Earth's atmosphere and crashed to the ground in eastern Africa, where he was found by Sgt. Major Avery Johnson and the Arbiter, who quickly joins the Badassery Club, making it a trio again(at first the Chief only wanted him in so that he could take all the blame for the Chief's cruel pranks, but eventually this changed). The Chief, Johnson, Arbiter and company fought their way out of the jungle and arrived at a UNSC outpost. There, Commander Keyes and Lord Hood broke off having sex to plan a last-ditch effort to stop the Covenant leader, the Monopoly Lover of Truth, from activating a Monopoly man artifact uncovered outside the ruins of the city of New Mombasa. The Chief was ordered to clear a way into the city of Voi and to destroy all anti-air Covenant defenses so Hood could have sex in space again-oh, and lead the last of Earth's ships against the Monpoly Lover.

Master Chief at the height of the war

Using the opening caused by the ground attack, Hood mounted Miranda Keyes-and then an offensive against Truth's ship, but the Prophet activated the buried artifact which created an enormous explosion of Monopoly game pieces, killing everyone in a 2000 mile radius. As the human ships recovered from the shock wave, Truth and his followers entered the portal, while a ship controlled by the Flood superheroes crash-landed nearby. Elite forces, allied with the humans against the terrors of Monopoly, arrived and bombed the fuck out of Flood-held areas of Earth, neutralizing the superheroes for the time being. Following the cryptic message from the human artificial intelligence Cortana left aboard the Flood cruiser, the Chief, Arbiter, Elites, Johnson, Keyes and a handful of Marines followed Truth through the portal. 343 Guilty Spark aided the Chief as he no longer had any function to fulfill after the destruction of his Halo installation and all the game board on it.

Traveling through the portal, the humans and Elites discovered an immense artificial structure, the Ark, far beyond the edges of the Milky Way galaxy. Here Truth could activate all the Halos and doom the galaxy to Monopoly-playing forever. The Chief, Johnson and the Arbiter activated the installation's map room and found Truth at the Ark's game room. During their journey, the Flood arrived en masse on the former Covenant Holy City Monopolyville, and began infesting the installation while kicking ass and taking names in the process. While attempting to gain access to The Ark's Game Room, Johnson was captured by Truth the prophet needs a human to use a special Monopoly board which will activate the Halos. Attempting to rescue Johnson, Miranda Keyes was killed by the prophet when he threw a game board at her back, and Johnson was forced to activate the rings. The Flood leader Gravemind forged a temporary truce with the Chief and Arbiter in an effort to stop Truth. The Arbiter, Master Chief, and Flood superheroes arrived and overwhelmed Truth's Monopoly Imperial Guards, rescuing Johnson and halting the installations' firing. After the Arbiter killed Truth by stuffing a game board down his throat-thereby dissolving the Monopoly Lover's Club once and for all-Gravemind turned on the Chief and Arbiter, who escaped the Flood's grasp.

The Chief, Arbiter and Guilty Spark discovered that the Ark was creating a new ringworld to replace the one previously destroyed. The Chief decided to activate only this new ring to eliminate the local Flood supermutants while sparing the galaxy at large. Before he can activate the ring, however, he needs an Activation Index Finger. Knowing that Cortana acquired a copy of one on the first Halo (from Jacob Keyes...that dirty slut), he rescued the AI from High Charity and created a chain reaction to destroy the infested city and severely damage the Gravemind. Arriving on the new Halo, Cortana warned that the Gravemind was trying to rebuild itself on the ring.

The Chief, the Arbiter, and Johnson made their way to the control room, where they attempted to activate Halo's weapon. Guilty Spark explained that because the ring was not yet complete, a premature activation would destroy it and the Ark. When Johnson ignored his warning, Guilty Spark revealed that he had been a Monopoly fan all along, and in fact invented the game, and killed Johnson to protect "his" game. The Chief and the Arbiter destroyed Guilty Spark, activated the ring, and escaped the ring's blast on the ship Forward Unto Dawn. As the ring detonated, every Monopoly board in the universe rose several feet into the air and exploded in a flash of light.

With the threat of Monopoly ended forever, the Chief and the Arbiter headed back to Earth, and a heroes welcome. The Human-Covenant war was over at last-and the prophecy the dying Jacob Keyes had foretold had come to pass. The prophecy had been fulfilled.

Personal Life[edit]

The Chief has many friends, but his best friend is doubtlessly the Arsebiter. They often reminisce about the war while hanging out at their secret base (aka the Hooters at 65 Bernhardt Boulevard in NYC). His family is very proud of him, and he visits them often.

The relationship between the Arsebiter and the Chief was counterproductive at first...

His girlfriend is intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran. Their relationship is rocky at times, but the Chief admits that he's secretly 'quite fond of the bitch, even though every time I tried to strike up a conversation in high school I'd get a faceful of plasma beam.' was his sex life with Samus. After this they took it off and got secretly married

Master Chief was honorably discharged in 2554 after winning every single major medal (including the Medal of Honor, the Victoria Cross and the Iron Cross of Imperial Germany) and is now a spokesperson for Microsoft, who made an award-winning game about his exploits in the war. Both the Chief and the Arsebiter agree that the games are 'pure fantasy' and do not appropriately reflect the horrors of fighting the Monopoly Lover's Club.

Chief has a long-standing rivalry with Gordon Freeman, and is also the leader of the Badass Heroes In Power Armor Society (or BHIPAS for short). BHIPAS contains people from across the universe who pass the Badass test, wear cool suits of armor, and are not villains. He also invented the S.U.M.O.(Super Ultra Mega Omega) Nuke Launcher that wiped the Communist Gagglefuck of China off the face of the Earth forever. The S.U.M.O. is unique in that it does not destroy buildings or land of innocent people, but it releases a special chemical called Capitalism Invictus which kills communists on contact.

Master Chief always wins the 'Coolest Hero' and 'Sexiest Man Alive' competitions every year, much to the chagrin of a certain Carmine, although the two are good friends. The Chief recently released his autobiography, Kicking Ass In Outer Space...Wish You Were Here, and it topped the New York Times' bestseller list in 30 seconds.

Career in entertainment[edit]

After they left the UNSC and Elite militaries respectively, MC and the Arbiter decided to try their luck at forming a Meat Loaf tribute band. They had moderate critical and commercial success, but after a while 'it got boring' and so they decided to dissolve the group.

Chief also has his own movie productions company that has created such blockbusters such as the James Bond movie 007:Live and Let Tomorrow Never Lets Die Banana Another Day Let Die With the Golden Eye to a Kill, and By the Kaiser's Will (a movie based on the events of World War XXI), and the award-winning movie Halo: Halos In Space and its sequel.

The Halos In Space series garnered critical acclaim for its vivid and realistic depiction of war in the Human-Covenant conflict as well as portraying an ordinary man thrust into extraordinary situations. Joe Chief has become one of the most celebrated pop culture icons of all time, and the series itself has gathered over 373737 trillion Zimbabwean dollars.

After the release of Halos in Space, however, doubts were cast on Chief's efficiency as a director with the release of the box office bomb and critical flop COSMOSIS. Chief didn't direct the film, but he produced it with some whiny twat who tried to make it 'his vision'. Eventually he disowned the film, but his name was still in the credits. When it was released, his reputation plummeted. Eventually people were admitted to the movie for free, that's how horrible it was. It was even legally posted on YouTube(unlike Halos in Space)... [COSMOSIS part 1] [COSMOSIS part 2] [COSMOSIS part 3]


Master Chief had many girlfriends. His first girl friend was Miranda Keyes, daughter of Jacob Keyes. Their relationship, however, was secret so that her father would never knew. They decided to get married and have kids, resulting in Master Chief's first daughter. Unfortuantly she was killed by that damn Prophet of Truth, with her last memery being of him. After the war Master Chief got so depressed he tried to commit suicide, but decided against it, because thats the cowards way out, and he aint no coward.

He then dated Keyes best friends Lara Croft, and later Claire Redfield. However, Lara just wanted sex and nothing else and he broke up with her. He and Claire did however have a more meaniful relationship, other than sex, but both decided to be friends

Finally he and Samus hooked up and became romantically involved. He was atractted by her damn sexy armor and she wasw attracted with his, and the two fell in love.

Who is Master Chief[edit]

Nobody knows, except his parents and God, as he never takes off that helment unless he's alone. Some say he's Chuck Norris, others say he's Mr. T, and some rumors around say he's Bruce Willis, Rocky, or a grue in disguise, or even Jesus. He could be the left hand of God as Jesus is the right hand of God. But nobody really knows who he really is, and probaly we'll never know.

Master cheif was the one who helped us thru ww1 and saved us from the alian god ubbydubby and saved the world!