Masters of Evil

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A Masters of Evil vacation picture taken during their stay in Super Asia.

The Masters of Evil (A.K.A. The Christ Corps., A.K.A. The "Other Mormon Church", A.K.A. The Ministry of Waffle Defense) is a Real Estate Agency dedicated to universal genocide, defeating, killing, and @#!*% -raping Edwin Jarvis and getting you your dream home. The Masters of Evil was formed in 1865 when Kang, the Conqueror traveled through time to end the American Civil War. After ordering Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate Abraham Lincoln with Hitler's enchanted pistol he appointed Santa Claus who was later strangled by Andrew Johnson on the front lawn of the White House. Kang manipulated Johnson's gay lover Captain Planet into providing funds for the Masters of Evil.

Members[edit]

Kang the Conquerer[edit]

Kang ramming Megatron's wang into an unsuspecting planet of innocent kangaroo people.

Kang is a time-faring, 80’s tights wearing super scuba-diver/clown who was born in the year 1939 when Hitler invaded Poland with his army of sausages and German beer. Kang’s birth name was actually Fox McCloud. He was sent to Cybertron in 1967 to save Krystal from the evil Decepticon known as Darko-Volu-tron. After restoring the princess and having extreme amounts of sex Krystal gave birth to Tony Stark, A.K.A. Iron Man and his twin brother Victor Von Doom, A.K.A. Doctor Doom. He mastered the technology of the Decepticons and conquered their planet after defeating Megatron with the help of Master Asia. Both would later join the team.

Kang traveled through time and space conquering everything he came in contact with including other men (in the @#!*% and mouth). After his Tie Fighter was knocked off course by a Galactic shockwave brought on when Ultra Jesus activated the Halo rings he found himself in 1962 fighting the Avengers who he defeated and captured but was later defeated by a group of teenagers and Snarf.

He was the first Sovereign of the Masters of Evil and was later succeeded by Joseph Smith.

Master Asia[edit]

Main article: Master Asia
Master Asia screams "Super Asia" as he defeates Megatron with his wang towel.

After defeating Megatron with a very long wash cloth (used to cover his massive chode) Master Asia joined Kang in spreading Universal Genocide and AIDs. As one of the founding members, Master Asia created their Real Estate Head Quarters on Pluto’s surface with his bare hands after calling for Chuck Norris’ aid. Master Asia was possibly the most powerful Master of Evil and after defeating Goku in the Negative Zone he left the group and created Super Asia.

Megatron[edit]

Main article: Megatron

Megatron joined the famous group of Super Villains/Pop Sensations under the alias “Vage-a-tron”. Megatron was actually created by Hank Pym A.K.A. Paul Bunion when he had sex with Robocop. After serving three tours in Vietnam and the JesusTron Wars he traveled to Cybertron and overthrew the dictatorship lead by R2-D2 and his satanic counter-part/gay lover Ryan Seacrest. After liberating the peoples of Cybertron he decided to kill all of the robo-men and enslave all of the robo-women so that he could produce the entire future population of Cybertron using his massive 12-ton Chode cannon. He was later defeated by Kang and Master Asia and before Master Asia delivered the coupe de grace he begged for mercy (with his anus and tongue) and joined the Masters of Evil which was ironic because Optimus Prime joined the Fantastic Four at the same time. Megatron later created a cure for Super AIDS but destroyed it on National Television right before he sodomized Tony Snow. He created Voltron in an attempt to destroy the Avengers in 1973 but his plot was foiled when Iron Man and Shigeru Miyamoto created Wing Zero, piloted by Prince Vegeta to defeat Voltron. Megatron later died of Colon Cancer ironically a week after Optimus Prime. Their funerals were held on the same day, July 4, 1996 just after the world was saved from the Covenant by Will Smith.

Captain Ginyu[edit]

Captain Ginyu bringing Gohan home to show him his “Milky Cannon”.

Captain Ginyu is a stripper from East LA who landed a gig as a dance choreographer for the proposed "Ginyu Force". Before he was know as Captain Ginyu people usually called him Tito Jackson until one day when his brother Michael Jackson attempted to assassinate Mr. Rogers and compromised his entire family. He underwent reconstructive surgery and now resembles a herpes infested ball-sack. "Captain Ginyu" came out of the closet after having severed his ties to the Jackson Five so he wouldn't ruin their already @#!*% -up reputation. Freeza, master of the Super-Gays instructed Ginyu on how to harness his flamboyant homosexuality into "art" and sent him to recruit the gayest dancers in the galaxy: Recoome, Jeice, Guldo, and Burter. Thus the Ginyu Force was born.

David Bowie[edit]

Main article: David Bowie
David Bowie takes the form of a box of condoms for some reason beyond mortal man's reasoning.

David Bowie, known as En Saba Nur by the Ancient Egyptians starred in a movie called “Labyrinth” after becoming a musical super star. He is most known for his cameo in the film “Zoolander”. David was approached by the agency and was asked to join when his shape-shifting super powers were shown to the world on the silver screen. He accepted and began his notorious career in villainy. After defeating Iron Man when he disguised himself as a bottle of beer and caused Iron Man to blackout, Bowie was promoted to Sovereign of the Masters of Evil and almost conquered the world if it were not for Elton John and his co-patriot Bono. He later promoted Ch’od to his rank and went on to lead the Guild of Calamitous Intent”.

Teknoman Saber[edit]

Main article: Teknoman Saber

Teknoman Saber is a worker from the planet Lylat. While trying to make love with Krystal, Fox McCloud caught him and kicked him up the arse, then shoved him inside a suit of armor filled with quantities of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!, Moron and Gayon. Enraged, he planned revenge against Fox by setting his house on fire. The Masters of Evil saw this act of villainy and approached him. When asked to join because of his armor's weapons, Saber accepted. After defeating Teknoman with a PSY Voltekka that costed Over 9000 dollars, Saber became a high-ranking member of the Masters of Evil and when Koragg joined, he and Koragg served as Ch'od's second and third-in commands.

Doctor Doom[edit]

Main article: Doctor Doom

Doctor Doom was depicted as the leader of The Masters of Evil in the game “Marvel: Ultimate Alliance”. Marvel was later sued by the current sovereign at the time Ch’od for providing false information. Doctor Doom was only a client who bought his castle from the agency and was seen waxing Captain Ginyu’s head from time to time. The case was later dropped because Doctor Doom eventually killed Ch’od and took over the agency thus making the game true. He later led his army of Mormon Commandos and destroyed the planet Krypton.

Joseph Smith[edit]

Main article: Joseph Smith
Joseph Smith in his traditional Mormon Garb.

After joining the agency when he set St. Peter’s Cathedral on fire Joseph was found by Jesus when he and the Masters of Evil traveled to heaven to re-kill JFK. Jesus told him to create an army of Christians in Utah allowing men to have multiple wives so that they may breed their army faster. In 1983 the Mormon Armada rivaled that of the Catholic Super-Knights, an army of robot crusaders held under the Vatican.

Joseph Smith was later killed when the Beyonder and Ultra Jesus battled in the sun. Joseph’s body was found floating in space next to the remains of Russia’s space monkey Donkey Kong.

Wave the Swallow[edit]

Main article: Wave the Swallow

After joining the agency when she quit being friends with Sonic, Wave was found by Joseph Smith when Jesus sent him and the Masters of Evil to heaven to re-kill JFK. Joseph told her to create an army of Badniks in Moebius allowing women to have multiple husbands and be pregnant so that they may breed their army faster. In 1984, She was sent to prison by the Catholic Super Knights, an army of robot crusaders, and then Joseph Smith broke her out of prison.

Wave was later killed by the God Gundam's Erupting Burning Finger when it and Kilokhan, combined with the remains of the Death Star, battled on the moon. Wave’s body was found in an old house next to the remains of a clone of Master Chief. But she was then revived by Stan Lee to rebuild Voltron and participated in the war against Canada and Southern Cambodia.

Ch’od[edit]

Ch’od, pronounced “Chode”, joined the Masters of Evil after Corsair was defeated by Steven Seagal and all of the other Starjammers fell victim to Super AIDS. Ch’od quickly rose in the ranks when he killed Jean Grey, A.K.A. Cameron Diaz for the 100th time and replaced Bill Clinton with Ash Ketchum as president of the United States. Ash was later found mutilated in the oval office when Prince Vegeta caught him sodomizing Bulma and his son Trunks. Ch’od eventually became the sovereign of the Masters of Evil and defeated the Wonder Twins when they tried to engulf the world in their super-gayness. Ch’od was later killed by Doctor Doom by an overdose of cheese to his ovaries.

Koragg[edit]

Koragg joined the Masters of Evil after Krystal defeated the Axem Rangers and all the Power Rangers fell victim to Super BUMPS. Koragg quickly rose in the ranks when he killed Princess Daisy for the 999th time and replaced King Harkinian with Soundwave as king of Hyrule. Soundwave was found dead at the coffee shop when Fox McCloud caught him having sex with Krystal. Koragg eventually became the second in command of the Masters of Evil and defeated Mega Man when he tried to engulf him with his Mega-Buster. Koragg was then killed by Doctor Doom when he saw him stealing his prize sword.

Stan Lee[edit]

Behold! Lord of all creation! The great king Stan Lee! Super God to all! Enemy of the Waffel Dynasty.

The current sovereign of the Masters of Evil is none other than Stan Lee himself… Super God of the known Multiverse over Stephen Colbert. Stan Lee realized that the Masters of Evil was the single most important agency in the Multiverse because it protected him from his only weakness, waffles and finding a house, and decided to overthrow Doctor Doom so that he may make sure these things never affected Super God ever again. Stan Lee mobilized the entire agency in a war against Canada and Southern Cambodia, a war that raged for sixty millennia in the Mushroom Kingdom and ended when Ultra Jesus was ultra-crucified under Princess Toadstool making the Masters very angry. Stan Lee went on to destroy the entire nation of Canada with his laser eyes and declared the new body of water the Sea of Ultra Jesus.