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This article is about the specific subject of spanking the monkey. For other ways to disrupt a meeting, see Masturbation (disambiguation).

Template:Rainbowpyramid Why not? Everybody's Doing it. Hmm...Awesomely Relieving and Visually Appealing.

Next time you masturbate, think of this.

“I stopped after the Asia Tsunami. Enough was enough.”

~ Chuck Norris on Destructive Masturbation.

Masturbation also known as Fappin, Whackin Off, Chokin the chicken, Doin dat S.O.S., Tamin the Hooded Dragon, Spankin the Monkey, Pullin Pud, Wankin Gettin Down with Rosy Palms, Polishin Pole, Jackin Off, Squeezin the, Éclair, Makin the One-eyed Wonder Snake Cry, Doin a Mike Check, Waitin for Steam to Update, Doin the Five, Knuckle Shuffle, Greasin The Gator, and Having a date with Miss Palmer, is an academic degree. It is usually given by Universities after completion of various studies, the "masturbate" is usually the mid-level degree, attained after a bachelorbate and before a doctorbate. Working towards such a degree is called "masturbation"; one who has succeeded in attaining a masturbate degree is called a "masturbatee". If the student chooses to pursue a specific masturbation career, he/she can study at the Advanced Masturbation University for free.

Because of the pointlessness of such academic study, the term "masturbate" has also given rise to a slanmasturbating is amazing meaning playing with one's own genitalia.connor eats balls

Masturbation is fairly common; for some reason many masturbatees tend to not admit the fact. In this world, there are only two kinds of people, those who masturbate, and those who lie about not masturbating.

Slang meaning[edit]

In this sense, "masturbation" is when a jingqun or man sexually stimulates his penis until sperm spurts out in full force, or a woman sexually stimulates her vagina until she feels "warmed up". While people like to make this a hobby, poor people in underdeveloped countries find the semen a good substitute for mayonnaise in their sandwiches and salads.

Science tells us that repeated masturbation will cause one to lose one's eyesight, and could lead to other health disorders. Bearing this in mind, the young man in search of sexual release may be better off trying rape, which is actually beneficial for eye function and skin tone, containing as it does large quantities of vitamin A.

List of slang terms: jerking off, keatoning, beatin the meat, doin' the 4-knuckle shuffle, Givin' it some TLC (tender loving care)and as the french would say: creaming the cake. Wankathon tonight laddies

The invention of wanking[edit]

Spock engaging in mind sex, which in some states is considered masturbation.

John Lennon invented masturbation by accident. One day, he made a machine that made someone incredibly dizzy by moving someone up, then down, then up, in a repetitive manner. He tested the creation on one of his many robots, better known as E-176 Phartegant. The robot, after the test, was incredibly dizzy and had a visual malfunction. The robot, however, in revenge, deleted its master entry that Eggman put in him to force him to follow any order he was given. He then caught Eggman by surprise, and put him on the machine. He turned it around, so Eggman would be squished against the wall, forcing his body to gain enormous amounts of friction when the machine was activated. However, at the time, Eggman's penis just happened to be erect, because apparently he was looking at a statue of Rouge, according to eyewitness and stalker Yoda. Eggman, after having his penis face enormous amounts of friction, suddenly felt the urge to release his piss. He, unfortunately, was not let off of the machine to take a piss, so he released his piss. But apparently, he noticed it wasn't piss, it was sperm. Therefore, he figured out a way to get sperm out of his penis without a woman being around. Eventually, the robot felt he had dealt enough revenge, and stopped the machine. Eggman went to his computer, and he soon spread this technique via the internet, especially on school message boards, which for some reason went unmoderated due to the popularity of the topic.

Another theory of the invention of masturbation involves the religion of Jizzlam. It is said that Ba Torr, a farmer, was once in his fields naked. A rock fell on his penis, pinning it to the ground. He slid his cock in and out of the space between the rock and the ground, until he orgasmed. He wrote the Kama Sutra and spread his teachings as well as his sperm, and asked people to call him Master. Thus, he was Master Ba Torr, which was shortened to Masturbator, and then to masturbation.

Nothing to see here!!!! Yeah, I hate this too. :'(

[[Image:508.gif|frame|left|Still Nothing to see here!!!! Yeah, we all hate it. Even lesbians

Female masturbation was discovered later by your mom, but your mom has refused to comment on any portion of the history, other than that she discovered it and sent it to an escort service based in Tokyo, Japan, where it quickly became widespread like AIDS. AIDS wasn't invented by your mom, monkeys and humans got it on which created AIDS. She had the courtesy to face forward as she developed a cure. However, though she is kind enough to make us all cookies as we watch your television, she hasn't been kind enough to give us the cure. Read my book.

Male masturbation techniques[edit]

Dr. Norris offers advice to all novice wankers, who continually expose their penises to danger in the name of science!

As said previously, some people masturbate the good ol' fashioned way; add a large amount of friction to your penis in a painful way until sperm is ejaculated. This, however, supposedly inflicts an enormous amount of damage to the penis; but Earth Scientist Chuck Norris has disagreed, however, and says that men who expose their penis to friction everyday have not experienced damage of any kind, according to one of his recent experiments. if you are one who enjoys a little pain you may want to try sticking your penis into a pencil sharpener to sharpen those senses.

Some men also take a phone and stick it up their ass to simulate gay sex; some say this even works on straight men. Phones can also be used to rub the penis; this has been proven by hardcore priest Amy Fisher. WaRnInG!!?!?! Excessive Masturbation can lead to poor sexual performance... kinda hard to hold it in when you've been training yourself to get it out as fast a possible, riiiight. right.

Onanibics - Male Masturbation Diet[edit]

The male masturbation diet, also known as Onanibics, was developed to help men across the world lose weight through masturbation. The word Onanibics originated in Japan and it's English translation is "masturbation aerobics".

Onanibics was developed to help men lose weight and promote male masturbation as a normal, healthy function. It is widely known that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, making it easier to trim down.

Exercising while using these male masturbating techniques has helped thousands worldwide lose weight while having fun! Exercise and masterbation professionals from around the world have collaborated on a list of proven male masterbation techniques. These techniques were created specifically for all types of men and can be done in the comfort of your own home.

In Japanese the word "onani" means to masturbate whereas "bics" stands for aerobics. These two words together create the male masturbation techniques we know today as Onanibics. These masturbation exercises suggested were developed for the novice masturbator as well as for the professional.


Instructions: For all you normal men out there who masturbate this exercise shouldn't require any formal instruction, but here it is anyway. Wrap hand of choice around your penis and move back and forth in a stroking motion. Continue strokin until desired effect is achieved. To enhance the workout, try clenching your PC Muscle to avoid ejaculation. Exercising this muscle regularly will prolong the duration of lovemaking.

Don't: Don't over lubricate, you must leave no evidence of Onanibics in the form of splattered lotion!

Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: A slight variation of the normal Strokin exercise, this method requires the arm to be inverted to target the Tricep muscle. As with the Strokin exercise, wrap desired hand around penis and move back and forth in stroking motion. To provide a more balanced workout, alternate strokin arm between sets.

Don't: Don't overindulge in the basic strokin exercises, you will not reap the benefits of the Onanibics workout until you progress to the more advanced exercises!

Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Triceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: For this exercise you will need to find a flat wall to lean your back against. With your back against a wall, crouch down so that your waist is level with your knees. While in this position begin stroking and remain there until intense burning is achieved in the Quadricep Muscle of your leg. Please remember that burning in this instance is good and not a sign of an STD.

Don't: Don't bend your back or penis when doing this exercise, you don't want to strain vital body parts.

Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Calves, Hamstrings, Tibialis Anterior, Forearm Flexor, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: Standing upright with your feet a few inches apart, hold onto a bench, chair or something to support your balance. Keeping your back straight, and head up, bend your knees and lower yourself towards the floor while beginning the strokin motion. Once your thighs are just below parallel to the floor, push yourself back up to the starting position while flexing your Quad muscles. Please remember to alternate and invert strokin arms to enhance and balance workout.

Don't: Remember don't let your back round or put your head down. Your penis does not need to be stared at while performing exercise.

Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Forearm Flexor, Triceps, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: The most advanced of the general strokin exercises, this involves the use of both arms at the same time. While in a comfortable sitting position being stroking with one arm while developing a rhythm to the motion. When rhythm is achieved, begin alternating between arms with each stroking motion and continue until desired effect is achieved. Please remember this exercise demands intense concentration to prevent injury to penile region.

Don't: Do not attempt this exercise until you have perfected a rhythmic stroking motion, failing to do this will result in injury!

Muscles Worked: Forearm Flexors, Triceps, Biceps, Trapezius, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: Lie down on the floor and bend your knees while placing your feet flat on the ground. Place one hand behind your head and the other on the penis. Using your abdominal strength, curl your shoulders up and off the floor towards your hips and begin your stroking motion. When your shoulders cannot come up any higher, pause for one second and contract your abdominals. Return to starting position and repeat for desired number of reps or until ejaculation occurs. Remember to alternate arms between sets.

Don't: Don't pull your head up with your hand as this may cause neck injury. The only head you should be pulling during this exercise is on your tallywhacker.

Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle


Instructions: Being the most advanced exercise in the Onanibics Workout, Ona-Hole Jogging requires that you be proficient in all other exercises. This exercise will require the use of a treadmill unless its done under the cover of night at a safe locale. Begin jogging slowly and rather than swinging your arms in normal fashion, concentrate on developing a rhythmic stroking motion that coincides with the motion of your legs. Slowly begin accelerating to a comfortable speed where both your legs and arms are moving in perfect rhythm. Continue Ona-Hole Jogging until desired effect is achieved.

Don't: We advise that you DO NOT try this exercise while sprinting, the accelerated rhythm of the stroking motion will cause damage to the penile region.

Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Calves, Quadriceps, Tibialis Anterior, Hamstrings, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

Female masturbation techniques[edit]

A picture of a girl masturbating

Not much is known about female masturbation. Some say that the technique is different for each woman; some even say that they can stimulate themselves sexually by going to "Sexual stimulation for women on demand" on their IO Digital Cable Service.

According to an anonymous source, some people might be able to get it done by inserting red-hot tongs into the anal regions, causing great sexual pain. Bleeding is perfectly normal when done this way; however, it is debated as to whether it causes Optimus Prime to launch a nuclear missile at Bombay; although many people believe it doesn't, various kung-fu masters have said it is true.

However most experts believe it is most commonly done like illustrated in the picture to the right. Recent debate between scientists has led to the discovery that if done correctly, males could be replaced with strange apple-looking-fruit for women's heads, but it appears that this won't be the case as long as no one actually knows anything about female masturbation (including females), which is why the topic is still discussed on the world stage with great caution, as not much is known at this point in time.

Reputable Business man Steve Jobs reportedly took out the "Automatic Female Masturbator" function in the iPhone. "It is just too dangerous, releasing such a weapon of sexual gratification could very well end sex life as we know it for men. And resorting to gay sex is not a viable option seeing as now that i am finally "cool" i can get any female mac nerd i want! Apple shares can go a long way!"-Steve Jobs at Macworld 2007.

Scientist Chuck Norris, has made a new discovery in female masturbation, he has reported that it involves usually something to do with HIS fingers or any long smooth objects similar to HIS fingers, although when the reporters asked what to do then, Chuck Norris inadvertently round house kicked everyone in a 50 mile radius. When the reporters regained consciousness, Chuck was nowhere to be found. We suspect that he may be conducting further experiments.

See also[edit]