Masturbation

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For other rainy-day activities, see Masturbation (disambiguation).
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Masturbation.
Pictured on this months cover of Masturbation Aficionado, Chuck Norris is stirring the loins of many a youth. A new generation of teens are lathering up to new methodologies from an old Masturbator.


Masturbation is the stage of the water cycle that takes place between precipitation and evaporation. This stage is often overly simplified, or skipped entirely, in schools as a means of protecting the innocence of young children, though understanding masturbation is crucial to having to true understanding of the water & rain cycle.

It has been proven that only 2% of the female population masturbates (while an even smaller amount orgasms from this)though an unrelated study also shows 98% of women are liars.On the other hand, 99.989% of the male popluation masturbates (while an even larger amount orgasms from this, strange but true statistics). The 0.011% of the male population that does not masturbate include extreme religious fanatics and men lacking a penis (poor fellas)[WTF?A man lacking a penis].

Masturbation is not to be confused with masterbation which is rubbing something masterfully.

Master Bei-Shun was a Ping-Pong philosophy master born in China in 2678 BC. His only job in life he had inherited from his father, and it consisted in rubbing energetically a broomstick, in order for it to be squeeky clean at all times (which was taken literally, the broomstick was therefore never used). He was so good at his job with his hands that he was considered a master in handjob. Sometimes he spat or blew on the broomstick as a means of cleaning. This was known as a blowjob, and he once again was a highly respected master of the discipline. Some historians have suggested Master Bei-Shun to be a person of the homosexual confession. This ridiculous attempt to stain the Master's name is evidently the work of Sub-Saharian Cambodian anarcho-syndicalist scum to destabilize Occidental culture and way of life. The Master died a blind man, a result of his daily handjob. This pathology, observed nowadays in many male human specimen, has been dubbed Fappid Eye Movement by the medical community.


The process[edit]

Jon demonstrates the social awkwardness of pleasuring yourself.

The water cycle is much more complex than many children have been led to believe. Aside from the steps that most schoolchildren memorize (and typically forget by the age of 20): evaporation, condensation, transpiration and precipitation, there is another step, one that is equally important in the process: masturbation.[WTF]

After water falls to the ground in the form of precipition, the complex process of masturbation begins. Truly understanding the process usually means taking an intensive course in college and memorizing the 900 mathematical formulas scientists use to illustrate the phenomenon, but here, it's simplified as much as possible so that you, the reader who is apparently uneducated enough that they need to get all their information from an online encyclopedia, will be able to at least grasp the central concepts.

After falling to the ground in the form of rain, snow, sleet, hail, or occasionally, drool[??], water flows into lakes and rivers through the process of "surface runoff." The water will ultimately end up in the drinking water supply of a town or city. Then, in the process of "consumption," (surface runoff and consumption are both sub-sections of the process of masturbation), the water is consumed by a human being. It passes through their digestive tract, and is used by their body to manufacture a liquid known as semen.

A cat demonstrating masturbation

Then, in the crucial step of this stage of the water cycle, the individual masturbates by stimulating their sexual organ with their hand or any other wide array of other objects (i.e. an empty cardboard roll of toilet paper, an electrical outlet, an empty ice cream cone, or a rolled up piece of sandpaper (not recommended). This culminates in the semen being expelled from their body and landing either on them or on nearby objects such as chairs, tables, in socks or (in some unlucky cases) librarians. The person then makes primal attempts to clean up the fluid using tissues, or their own tongues, and disposes of the liquid in a nearby trash receptacle or bog. From there, it evaporates, and condenses to form clouds, completing the water cycle. In some cases people eat their own semen instead of disposing of it using the aforementioned methods. This is considered a "leakage" in the water cycle. Climatologists estimate that the world loses over ten million litres of water each year to people who consume their own or other people's semen. An example can be seen in the Middle East, where maturation is Haram and it has rained -3 inches in the past 5,900 years.

How to masturbate [for those sporting a penis][edit]

This is a Wankel Rotary Engine. It should give you a basic idea of what to do.

Recently, many cities have been experiencing severe water shortages. This is likely because of a severe lack of masturbation that has caused much water that people drink to no longer be circulated back into the atmosphere. You can help with this crisis by masturbating more. Think: when was the last time you masturbated? How much semen is, at this very moment, sloshing around inside your body when it could be quenching the thirst of dehydrated African children? That water inside you could be raining on Georgia right now. Masturbation stops droughts!

But in order to masturbate, you must first know how. Most people know how since before birth, but you are an exception. First you really need to get some privacy (see pic below). However, if you have budget constraints, a locked bedroom, voting booth or a bath will suffice. Although not a must, it gets embarrassing if someone (like a parent) walks in on you. However, a friend/spouse/partner/neighbor/stranger/family pet is okay, as they will most likely do it with and to you, in that order.

Dude, try to keep it on the D.L.

Then remove all articles of clothing that are presently on your body. In order to masturbate, you need to touch your genitals. And while it's possible to masturbate while clothed, it is often rather sticky and embarrassing. I'd like to see you try. May I remind you, it helps a great deal to have genitals. If you don't have them, and find a way, we recommend you send a note to this website with a diagram.

How stick people jack off... disturbing...

As said above, find a visual aid that will give you an erection. Wrap your hands around your 'head'. (NOTE: You should take precautions. Don't try this if you have dry skin. It may become a fire hazard. Over five million men have burst into flames as a result of this. Always remember to masturbate with a fire extinguisher within reach. For more information, call your local health department.) Using a lubricant, like Lard, Bacon grease, Peanut Butter, Crisco, Sandpaper, KY Jelly, Vaseline, a Banana peel, Shampoo, Midori, Saliva, Ink or the mutilated remains of a Smurf will ensure optimal performance.

David Bowie, in the film Amadeus, properly demonstrates The Big Wank™ Face.

It has often been said that lying on your masturbating arm for enough time, until you can not feel it any more, and then going for it makes it feel like somebody else is doing it (though this is at your peril... I still can't feel my fingers, and my nails are going a funny "black" color. Ah, well, it was worth it I suppose). Now, move said hand up and down in a vigorous manner, from base to head, increasing speed as time goes on. Make plenty of groaning and moaning noises. Also, in the event of having The Big Wank™*, it is important to exuberantly use The Big Wank™ Face (see right). However, try to go at it as much as possible, as delaying your orgasm causes it to feel much better and increases the amount of water that will be recirculated, though explaining why you missed a week's worth of work might run into awkwardness. Some people delay their orgasms for years,j ust look at Al Gore's smug face, although beware that jerkin' the gherkin for too long can cause chafing and snapping of the banjo string, in case of snappage, you can acquire a 4 pack of banjo strings at any good musical instrument store.

Now you clean up, as quick as possible. While Double Quilted Kleenex tissues are recommended, an old T-shirt or a towel will do. Socks or hamsters are also acceptable. A tongue is okay if you can reach like Gene Simmons. Other means of clean up include vacuuming, water spraying, and Sally Struthers (although water spraying depletes water resources on a short term basis, the combination of water and semen is vital for the continuance of the water cycle, and thus totally fun and recommended).

*The Big Wank™ & Co. claims no legal obligations for any possible symptoms of using it, such as severe blindness, hair loss, digestion inhibition, ingrown toenails, pelvic fractures, swamp ass, homoerotic urges, and/or weewee detachment.

Female masturbation[edit]

This is a "Wankel" Engine, and it would be a basic representation of female masturbation, if it existed.

The female technique for masturbation consists of a woman taking off her panties, then realizing she doesn't need to masturbate and either finding a male to do it for her, or watching Oprah. Also, scientists and their studies agree that when Oprah refers to her scumbag vagina as vajayjay, it completely dissipates any and all sexual urges the female viewer had at that moment, furthermore making sure females keep their hands away from the naughty bits and on the penises of their male counterpart.

"She bop, ba,be,bop, la-lo-bop!" - Cyndi Lauper does it too.

Onanibics - Male Masturbation Diet[edit]

The male masturbation diet, also known as Onanibics, was developed to help men across the world lose weight through masturbation. The word Onanibics originated in Japan and it's English translation is "masturbation aerobics".

Onanibics was developed to help men lose weight and promote male masturbation as a normal, healthy function. It is widely known that ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories. With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, making it easier to trim down.

Exercising while using these male masturbating techniques has helped thousands worldwide lose weight while having fun! Exercise and masterbation professionals from around the world have collaborated on a list of proven male masterbation techniques. These techniques were created specifically for all types of men and can be done in the comfort of your own home.

In Japanese the word "onani" means to masturbate whereas "bics" stands for aerobics. These two words together create the male masturbation techniques we know today as Onanibics. These masturbation exercises suggested were developed for the novice masturbator as well as for the professional.

STROKIN'[edit]

Those old Buffy episodes do the trick.

Instructions: For all you normal men out there who masturbate this exercise shouldn't require any formal instruction, but here it is anyway. Wrap hand of choice around your penis and move back and forth in a stroking motion. Continue strokin until desired effect is achieved. To enhance the workout, try clenching your PC Muscle to avoid ejaculation. Exercising this muscle regularly will prolong the duration of lovemaking.

Don't: Don't over lubricate, you must leave no evidence of Onanibics in the form of splattered lotion!

Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

Curled Masturbation Technique (CMT)[edit]

Instructions: Sit in a comfortable position, preferably on your butt, with your heels touching the ground, and legs bent up. Then curl you back forward, like you are trying to suck your own penis (but don't actually suck it), then grip you penis with your hand (left or right which ever you prefer), then point you elbow directly in front of you, To do this you will have to curl your arm, once elbow is pointing directly in front of you, and arm is curled, commence masturbation. By now your back should be curled forward, and you arm should be curled, this will supply a good orgasm, but beware, the curled arm causes inaccurate cum shots, and also remember to straighten your back right before ejaculation, because you do not want to cum in your face, unless of course your into that type of thing, then feel free to do it. Also doing this with different expressions makes it fun and more enjoyable, such as a serious face, angry face, or sad face. Muscles worked: Whole Arm, and lower back muscles.

There's quite a bit of literature on the subject.

SHOWER MASTURBATION (HITLER STROKE)[edit]

Instructions: Fairly simple, really - jerking out your filthy, filthy desires while cleaning yourself in the shower, thus creating a pleasing juxtaposition. The so-called "Hitler Wank" comes from the stance taken, using your spare hand to steady yourself against the wall of the shower cubicle, imitating the (in)famous "Heil" gesture.

Don't: Slip on the soap or take things too far and commit religious genocide.

Muscles worked: Both biceps and the "Main Muscle" if you catch my drift.

THE BOB DYLAN[edit]

Instructions: Mastubating into your partner's hair while she sleeps. If done correctly she will wake up with a hairstyle similar to that of legendary folk singer/songwriter Bob Dylan in the late sixties. Also known as a Ken Dodd, after not-so-legendary british "funny"man with a similar hairdo.

Don't: Wake her up - it's not an easy situation to explain. Trust me. I know.

ANAL MASTURBATION[edit]

Instructions: Slowly stroke in a circular motion around the anus, then slowly raidiate away from it. After you get at least three inches away from the anus, slap your ass, say "PUBIC HAIR" as loud as you can. Crawl onto your knees, then attempt to do a sexually explicit version of the hokey pokey, involving penises. Once you are done, place your pointer and index finger on the tip of your penis and face the ceiling. Stick your tongue out and try and think as hard as you can of an armadillo with giant tits. Then take a potato and rub it back and forth on your ballsack then take the potato and make some chips while still thinking about the armadillo with its big tits eat the chips and you should eventually ejaculate.

Muscles Worked: Fingers, Anus, Ballsack, Potato, Armadillo(with huge tits, deep fryer)

BACKHAND STROKE[edit]

Instructions: A slight variation of the normal Strokin exercise, this method requires the arm to be inverted to target the Tricep muscle. As with the Strokin exercise, wrap desired hand around penis and move back and forth in stroking motion. To provide a more balanced workout, alternate strokin arm between sets.

',',';,';,',

Don't: Don't overindulge in the basic strokin exercises, you will not reap the benefits of the Onanibics workout until you progress to the more advanced exercises!

Muscles Worked: Forearm flexors, Triceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

BURNING THIGH STROKE[edit]

Who the fuck cuts He-Man's hair?

Instructions: For this exercise you will need to find a flat wall to lean your back against. With your back against a wall, crouch down so that your waist is level with your knees. While in this position begin stroking and remain there until intense burning is achieved in the Quadricep Muscle of your leg. Please remember that burning in this instance is good and not a sign of an STD.

Don't: Don't bend your back or penis when doing this exercise, you don't want to strain vital body parts.

Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Calves, Hamstrings, Tibialis Anterior, Forearm Flexor, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

THE BERNARD THE III[edit]

Instructions: This one is requires preperation. Step one: Buy an alligator from the black market. Step two: Get a shot-gun (it has to be new) Step three: Get make in the colors of red, purple, and orange. This was an ancient ritual performed by negros back in the late yesterdays. The negros wore the make up to avoid confusion because they performed this at night. Basically what you have to do is eat a lot of corn. Then you take a shit on the roof. You tie the shot-gun around your waist so that the butt of the gun is in your crack. You climb uo on the roof wearing the make-up for rituals sake. The alligator begins to climb on the wall to eat the corn-filled loaf. The moment the gator gets to the chumminy you jump off the roof falling towards the gator. on the way down you fart causing the gun to go pff and it shoots far into your anus. The guns warmth causes an instant warming sensation through out your body. You instantly get a boner. Then you fall into the alligators guts, causing you to break every bone in your body. The gator's blood soaks into your injured anus, and the blood mixes with yours. It instantly causes the greatest orgasm in the world. You then die, but the cum shoots so far up it lands in your eye in heaven.

Muscles Worked: well your dead so...

STROKE-A-SQUAT[edit]

Instructions: Standing upright with your feet a few inches apart, hold onto a bench, chair or something to support your balance. Keeping your back straight, and head up, bend your knees and lower yourself towards the floor while beginning the strokin motion. Once your thighs are just below parallel to the floor, push yourself back up to the starting position while flexing your Quad muscles. Please remember to alternate and invert strokin arms to enhance and balance workout.

Don't: Remember don't let your back round or put your head down. Your penis does not need to be stared at while performing exercise.

Muscles Worked: Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Glutes, Forearm Flexor, Triceps, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

DOUBLE BARREL STROKE[edit]

Sometimes mutual masturbation can be fun, as these two Brits would tell you.

Instructions: The most advanced of the general strokin exercises, this involves the use of both arms at the same time. While in a comfortable sitting position being stroking with one arm while developing a rhythm to the motion. When rhythm is achieved, begin alternating between arms with each stroking motion and continue until desired effect is achieved. Please remember this exercise demands intense concentration to prevent injury to penile region.

Don't: Do not attempt this exercise until you have perfected a rhythmic stroking motion, failing to do this will result in injury!

Muscles Worked: Forearm Flexors, Triceps, Biceps, Trapezius, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

MASTURCRUNCHES[edit]

Instructions: Lie down on the floor and bend your knees while placing your feet flat on the ground. Place one hand behind your head and the other on the penis. Using your abdominal strength, curl your shoulders up and off the floor towards your hips and begin your stroking motion. When your shoulders cannot come up any higher, pause for one second and contract your abdominals. Return to starting position and repeat for desired number of reps or until ejaculation occurs. Remember to alternate arms between sets.

Don't: Don't pull your head up with your hand as this may cause neck injury. The only head you should be pulling during this exercise is on your tallywhacker.

Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

ONA-HOLE JOGGING[edit]

Instructions: Being the most advanced exercise in the Onanibics Workout, Ona-Hole Jogging requires that you be proficient in all other exercises. This exercise will require the use of a treadmill unless its done under the cover of night at a safe locale. Begin jogging slowly and rather than swinging your arms in normal fashion, concentrate on developing a rhythmic stroking motion that coincides with the motion of your legs. Slowly begin accelerating to a comfortable speed where both your legs and arms are moving in perfect rhythm. Continue Ona-Hole Jogging until desired effect is achieved.

Don't: We advise that you DO NOT try this exercise while sprinting, the accelerated rhythm of the stroking motion will cause damage to the penile region.

Muscles Worked: Abdominals, Calves, Quadriceps, Tibialis Anterior, Hamstrings, Forearm Flexors, Biceps, Pubococcygeus (PC) Muscle

Wake Up Call[edit]

Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your arm, until it goes numb. Then stroke your cock, and it will feel like somebody else is wanking you off.


Reverse Wake Up Call[edit]

Instructions: Fall asleep on top of your cock, until it goes numb. Then stroke it, and it will feel like you are wanking somebody else off.

STRANGER[edit]

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Instructions: Go to your local 24-hour supermarket late at night and wait in the parking lot until a lone person (gender does not matter) comes out. After luring them with candy and/or "candy", steal them, masturbate them, and return to their original location. This can also be performed at a bar or night club, actually, that's probably a better idea. Drunk people don't remember things.

Don't: Try to have them masturbate you.

Muscles Worked: all or most of the pollicis brevis muscles, social skills, criminal record.

Alternatively: Dig up the corpse of absurdist philosopher Albert Camus, ensnare his hand in a makeshift sling, and thrust your pingas through his hand while reciting passages from his seminal novel, The Stranger. If you wish to do a facial, you must then deliver an essay on the merits of absurdism and existentialism.

PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME![edit]

Instructions: Peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat. That is all.

Muscles worked: Giant anthropomorphic banana, and the rest you don't want to know.

BACKSEAT TECHNIQUE[edit]

Instructions: First, find a parking space relatively free of passers by. After doing so, enter the backseat of your car, then begin your pre-masturbating preparations like covering front and side windows. Lie on your stomach, think of your preferred fantasy, and then use pelvic thrusts to rub your penis against the seat cushion. Repeat until orgasm. For best results, place a cloth or a tissue paper between your penis and your underwear.

Muscles worked: Gastrocnemius, soleus, pectoralis minor

Religious masturbation[edit]

You're not supposed to do Premarital wanking. You're not to do Postmarital wanking, however. Midmarital wanking is not recommended either.

Using animals[edit]

If you are going to use a hamster or a bee as a masturbation aid, remember to cover it in duct tape in order to keep it from splitting in two. It is suggested instead to substitute a kitten, as the act of masturbation promises to kill kitty regardless of how you do it. The preferred tool for hamster anal insertion is a bare paper towel cardboard tube. WARNING: Do not use a flame as light in order to find the hamster in your ass. The colon contains methane gas, which is highly flammable. An open flame may result in a flaming hamster shooting from your anus. Just ask Richard Gere or Carol Vorderman.

Dachshunds are often inserted into the anus. This practice is associated with mid-westerners and Richard Gere. If you are going to practice this 'art' please remember that the dachshund will suffer severe effects from the anaerobic atmosphere within your rectal cavity. Scratching of the colon will also occur, so you may want to trim the claws first.

Public Masturbation[edit]

The Masturbation Bear is a prime example of a public masturbator.

Public Masturbation is common among teens ages 13 to 17. This is the stage where most boys are sexually progressing and masturbation becomes a necessity for survival. Therefore boys will sometimes masturbate in a public place such as a locker room, toilet, gym class or at the back of the the main hall during assembly. Some even at the front of the hall.

Masturbation at school is most commonly done during gym class because physical exercise makes teenagers horny. Actually, most things make teenagers horny, including teachers, Al Roker, National Geographic, The X-Men, computers, public restroom graffiti, WWE when Candice Michelle is on, and ducks.

If you're considering masturbating in front of people, it is best to make sure there is ample seating with disabled access and that viewing is unobstructed in a clear 180 degree arc. This guarantees a sufficient firing range. Through rigerous training teenagers can achieve a distance of 500 ft.

FAP Cola[edit]

Obey your thirst.

FAP Cola is a type of soda made by Coca-Cola with all the normal soft ingredients, plus clemen and vodka. This makes it incredibly sweet, while also making the one drinking it drunk and creating a high-voltage field of sexual energy, that can give the drinker (and people in a 30 foot radius around him) immense sexual pleasure, an erection, and possibly even an orgasm. Even if you are a man, an orgasm reached by using FAP Cola spits out clemen, which should be placed in the FAP cola can, and then the can should be returned to your local coca-cola licensed bottler, for recycling.

Masturbation in sport[edit]

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It is a FIFA requirement that professional referees are experts in masturbation (referred to in the laws of professional football as "wanking"). Generally speaking the better one is at masturbation, the better a referee one is. The crowd chant "The referee's a wanker!" often heard at English football matches is a sign of the crowd's approval of the high quality of his performance. Shouts of "where's your glasses ref?" are a further sign of approval, in reference to the well known side effect of blindness in expert wankers.

Formula 1 driver Jacques Villeneuve has also been known to "squeeze one out" during a few of the races of the 2005 Formula 1 season. Fortunately, on-board footage of this is non-existent, because Villeneuve got the lens of the camera during pre-season testing and no-one in his team wanted to clean it off.

The "Danger Wank"[edit]

A tactic often practiced by students and fans of Celine Dion. The "Danger Wank" is an attempt to have a full wank and get cleaned up in a situation where getting caught is very likely. The "Danger Wank" is most often a race against time but is also an exercise in stealth and Kleenex technique. Examples of this are:

Warning: Excessive wanking is dangerous to your health and can cause redness, open sores and a burning sensation.
  • In a lift between floors
  • Whilst your mum is making you a cup of tea in the kitchen
  • Whilst your wife/girlfriend is in the bathroom
  • At a Celine Dion concert
  • On a roller-coaster
  • Behind the pulpit during a sermon
  • In a confession booth
  • At a red light
  • During a conference
  • During an exam
  • While in the back seat of a car full of people
  • Whilst giving a speech to a large group of people
  • At a wedding (especially if you are the groom, bride, priest etc. etc.)
  • During a Christmas dinner
  • In between orders at McDonalds during your shift
  • In a car while your friend and his mother have gone into tesco to pick up some groceries.
  • Standing behind a girl who isn't your girlfriend, while having a conversation with her (very hard, because usually you talk face to face)


A danger wank should not be undertaken by the weak hearted, pregnant, those on medication, asthmatics, anyone with a pacemaker and especially not those who do not possess a Kleenex multi pack (unless you are willing to swallow).

The most extreme form of danger wanking involves crying out "MUM!" at the top of your voice whilst in bed, and whacking one out (or at least trying to) before she runs into the room. This has been known to end mother son relationships and in several cases involve social services. So please do not undertake a danger wank lightheartedly as the consequences could be severe. An alternative form of danger wanking involves lighting a large bomb and trying to masturbate completely before the bomb explodes and kills you. This is extremely dangerous--but the terror of the bomb leads to very thrilling orgasms.

This ad is supported by the Killer cats killing the special campaign, it's a serious problem.

Masturbation Around The World[edit]

Masturbation practices vary according to where in the world you live. The act is illegal throughout the Middle East, Africa and much of Asia and participants in this illegal act can face up to 60 years in jail. In general, masturbation laws are more liberal in Europe, America, Oceania and Japan.

“It beats croquet any day.”

~ Tony Blair on his new favourite pastime

Australia: You won't hear much about humans masturbating, except by a male beachgoer when he spots a woman 100 feet away on a nude beach. What a wacker, mate.

France: Masturbation or Le sexeparvous-même as it is know in France is often done while smoking. The French smoke all the time. The Effiel Tower was actually built as a monument to masturbation.

Israel: The Jewish state follows a law about masturbation in the Torah or Talmud (whatever). However, it has the Munich manuever for a pregnant woman to have sex with her husband. Those wacky Jews, but the Israeli defense forces can kick ass when they deal with Palestinian terrorists. Wack September!

Poland: Them Poles don't seem to know not to cnfuse the K-Y Jelly with rubber cement/putty...the windows fell down.

United States: Generally referred to as "Dick Cheyneying" or "wacking off" in the United States, masturbation has propelled the growth of the world's largest industry - the porn industry. Americans were the first people to uncover the majestic and utterly holy secret that having something to look at while doing the deed really helps things along. Hence the Internet was born.(Thanks Al Gore!)

See also[edit]

Common mental illnesses

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