Matt Bellamy

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“Calm, fitter, healthier and more productive than a pig in a cage on antibiotics...Twat.”

~ Thom Yorke on Matt Bellamy

{{Q|We're so helloooo billie jean Matthew Bellamy (Born June 35th 252,400 McAppleθ²) is singer, writer, guitarist, pianist, bassist, drummer, manager, publicist and de facto Führer of 3 piece band Muse. His dramatic, apocalyptic, and generally shiny style of rock has brought joy to millions of French people.

His Youth[edit]

Out of frame: Bellamy receives some Micro Cuts and scrapes at the hands of his schoolmates, Nicolas Anelka and William Gallas. Where's a plug in baby when you need one?

Matt is part of the famous Bellamy family. His youth was spent growing up in his native Teignmouth, a Martian kingdom. He is son of George Bellamy (the famous horticulturist, wine maker and Hip-Hop mogul) and twin brother of famous footballer Craig Bellamy (also known as the "Hunchback of Tyneside"). Matt has no clue of the identity of his mother, but has numerous tattoos around his body containing vital clues as to who and where she might be (See Memento for information on this phenomenon). He spent much of his youth attempting to track her down; the final clue uncovered before music took precedence- a tattoo in the shape of a can of Heinz Baked Beans- seemed to indicate that she had returned to the mother ship.

Despite his father's laboured attempts, Matt never took an interest in nature- in fact, Matt has indicated he suffers from a life-long fear of both willow trees and daisies- and the only time he tried playing football, he was told he ran like a girl.

So, at one year of age, Matt decided to take his own path, a radical departure from his family's long line of botanists and footballers; he started learning to play piano, having uncovered one in his father's beard. He began on a blues route, and after dabbling with the greens and oranges, he taught himself the classical style. He had incredible natural talent due to extremly spidery fingers, and can currently span 3 octaves with one hand.

He was picked on at school due to his lack of football skills, his twig-like arms, his ability to sing like a girl and his habit of serenading passers-by with tunes from the Romantic period on his Playskool keyboard. Matt often consoled himself with some of his father's wine and the 'wild mushrooms' grown in the family greenhouse. Starting a band was his way of dealing with his emotional pain, hence the emotional nature of Muse's early songs.

'Appocolypse Please' was not in fact a Muse Song. Well it was kinda. Maybe. Anyway, the point is that it's a lost recording from when Matt had to escape his home planet due to an invasion from Thom Yorke and Chris Martin. Matt was so freaked out by how he sounded pretty much identical to them that he crapped himself and started screaming 'THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!!' Naturally, for a British alternative rock band, although, he's not actually British, well he is, kinda, maybe. Well that's not the point again. This turned into the concept for an entire album called When the inadequate, yet similar musicians came to invade my home planet which was rather good, however no-one yet knows the real meaning of this song, due to its incredibly criptic nature. In the end no-one knows what happened to Thom and Chris, but rumour has it they're best friends, and why wouldn't they be?

Early Days of Muse[edit]

After getting Boo Radley and Demonic Coward on board, Muse came into existence. However, like the controversy surrounding the creation of the Universe, the exact nature and date of Muse's 'birth' remains elusive. Muse Creationists argue that Bellamy created the band over three days, with the aid of sixteen litres of cider, some ecstasy and the tears of Tom Morello, forming Dominc Howard from one of Chris Wolstenholme's ribs. The Musers who follow the 'Big Bang' theory, however, argue that the three band members became horribly drunk in each other's company, sealed a blood pact and vomited all over the floor, the vomit coincidentally forming the word 'Muse', which they then decided would be a good name for a band and decided to form a band to back up the name.

This sparks the most crucial time in Matt's life. His search for his mother was put on hold, and Matt began practicing his famous sex faces for use on stage, video, or in bed with groupies. Songs such as 'Showbiz' and 'Muscle Museum' warn of the dangers of letting fame get to your head and are both inspired by a real-life indicent; Muse were featured in a local newspaper in Plymouth, inflating Bellamy's ego and prompting him to buy a villa in Italy, which he later had to foreclose on, as the band had yet to make any money.

In 1999 Matt opened his Muscle Museum, which contained 73 clay models of himself, with increased muscle tissue.

Ascension Comes[edit]

With the huge success of OverTheTop records, Origin of Symmetry and Absolution, Matt officially became a demi-god in 2004 and was presented a medallion declaring his new status by the Emperor of the Known Universe, Patrick Moore. Bellamy's big-headedness was replaced with humbleness and he went on to donate all his earnings and wordly possessions to a nearby branch of Oxfam.

In recent years, he has received invites to live in Valhalla and Elysium but declined in favour of remaining in the mortal realm, so that he might continue work on his life-long ambition; the creation of the ultimate guitar.

“So far I've added some glitter paint, a pad that flashes and makes synthy-noises, a chainsaw and a heat-seaking missile...I'm toying with the idea of a laser, kind of based on the Death Star, but I don't want to make it ostentatious or anything. Y'know?”

~ Matt Bellamy on Project G-Tar

Mattocasters[edit]

An artists impression of the Mattocastor MKVII

The real reason for the feeling of massiveness experienced when hearing one of Muse's songs (such as 'New Porn', or 'Marseille Syndrome') is the awesome power and nose-tingling might of Bellamy's custommade guitars, the Mattocasters.

Mattocasters are created by Hanson at their famous guitar shop in Nantes. Matt called in one day (he had heard there were some pretty girls there and needed some females for his latest experiment on humans) and knew as soon as he walked in that Hanson were the ones to make his new instruments.

Some critics have argued that Mattocasters are both instruments of the devil and, also weapons of mass destruction, likely to destroy not only Bono, but the entire planet; these fears prompted the US to invade Matt in 2005. Others protest that the guitars are now a necessity that society could not live without and that removing them from the public-eye would cause a sense of general apathy and an almost chalky taste of regret to fall over the world.

Currently there are around 28 Mattocasters in existence, many of them hidden at secret locations on Earth and the Moon. In a recent interview, Bellamy implied that, upon the release of the band's next album, the now-expected treasure hunt would involve locating these Mattocasters, as he 'hasn't hadn't any luck finding them' himself.

“I forgot to mark them on my GPS”

~ Matt Bellamy on his missing Mattocasters

The information collected on Mattocasters is as follows:

  • Silver Mattocaster: As well as being a crazy custom shape, this is fitted with a Z.Vex Fuzz Factory, MXR Phase 90 phaser, Seymour Duncan and Kent Armstrong pickups.
  • Mattocaster MKII: New additions to this beast include hypnosis unit, and a hidden P-90 SMG to replace the Seymour Duncan pickup. It also provides living space for the band whilst on tour.
  • Mattocastor MKIII: This guitar features a state-of-the-art laser for slicing people up, as well as the technology to activate nuclear missiles from all US and Soviet bases. At a gig in Baghdad, the guitar was almost stolen by terrorists hailing from Norwich. However Pierre Kellyholmes and Dominique Howard foiled the plans just in the nick of time.
  • Other Known Mattocasters: Several of these have been confiscated by MI5 and, at present, no further information can be given on them, though rumours on AboveTopSecret.com indicate that the UK government is planning to utilise Mattocasters in the event of an Anglo-Belgian war.