Matthew Calbraith Perry

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THE FUCKING MAN

Recently uncovered youtube evidence proves that Perry reached Japan for the first time in the year 1337, but his spaceships were destroyed entirely by badass samurai chopping them in half with their samurai swords. Scarred and ashamed, Perry recovered in the Himalayas for several hundred years, attracting a fanatical cult known as the Perry Bible Fellowship. Sustained but physically deformed by llama sacrifices, Matthew Calbraith Perry was reborn on April 10, 1794. The continuing fanaticism of his pervy llama cult is demonstrated in the following account, written by the Dalai Llama itself.

By 1809 he was already serving as midshipman on the USS Revenge under the command of one of his stupid brothers. Luke thought he was so bad ass for bullseying womp rats in his T-16 back home but you know what he wasn't serving on the fucking USS Revenge at age 15 now was he? I bet Perry wasn’t busy making out with his sister either.

The Commodore's early career had him doing a whole bunch of stupid shit that they make lower ranking Navy people do, but see Perry is a cool guy he toughed it out like everyone else despite being a thousand times more awesome than everyone around him. During these early years while in port in Russia the Russian navy offered him commission, but he told them to fuck themselves because they're the fucking Russians and he didn't want to be the commander of a goddamn paddle boat throwing empty bottles of vodka at enemy ships.

The 11th of May, 1821 is a date everyone should write down in their pocket organizers - it is the date Mr. Perry was first ordered to command his own ship. But not any ship, oh hell no, the mother fucking USS SHARK. Read that again. The USS Shark. God damn how awesome is this man? And what did he do with the USS Shark? Went and beat the shit out of slave traders and pirates, that’s what. Perry knows where his niggas at.

He didn't just beat the hell out of pirates, no, he had his hands full with colonialism as well. Namely on March 25, 1822 he claimed what is now known as Key West, Florida for America. He's humble though so he named it Thompson Island after Secretary of the Navy Smith Thompson isn't he cool?

So a bunch of other crap occurred but nothing is really important. Well I guess some of it is he gained the title Commodore in 1841 and was made chief of the New York Navy Yard. Also Perry loved modernization to the point that people call him "The Father of the Steam Navy" and he oversaw the construction of the USS Fulton, the navy's second steam ship, but all of this occurred before he was named Commodore so I don't know why I put it afterwards.

post-goat Perry

Now to the good stuff. Perry was sick and fucking tired of Japan being a bunch of fags about not letting people trade with them so in 1852 he took off from Norfolk, Virginia to do something about it. But this is Commodore fucking Perry, so of course he didn't just leave with a fleet of ships, hell no. He left with a fleet of steam frigates. Painted all black. That's right; when Commodore Perry rolled up at Uraga Harbor (near Edo (modern Toyko)) on July 8, 1853 he was commanding a fleet of steam ships all painted fucking black. Holy shit. When he got there he was met with representatives from the Tokugawa Shogunate who told him to go to Nagasaki and they would deal with him there, but Perry wasn't having any of their shit and brought out his secret weapon - a letter from Millard Fucking Fillmore himself demanding they open their ports or else. Fillmore doesn't dick around. The Japanese folded like one of their stupid fans and on July 14 Perry presented his terms to their delegates.

Perry then peaced out and went to check out China for a couple months while Japan shit themselves a bunch. During this time he anchored on Keeling in Formosa to check out their coal deposits, which were apparently vast or something. Not only that but the island was an awesome midway point where ships could be refueled and I guess they could make some sweet tree forts there or something. Unfortunately those retards back in the states never responded to Perry's request to claim sovereignty over Formosa. Why he didn't just claim it for himself and start is own dynasty I'll never figure out.

So anyway he finally went back to Japan on February 1854 with twice as many ships as the first time and found that the yokels in charge prepared a treaty which fulfilled all of his demands. The Treaty of Kanagawa was then signed on March 31, 1854 and America was finally able to do all sorts of sweet shit like guarantee the safety of whalers and establish a consul.

As result of Commodore Perry being so damn awesome and whipping the Japanese into shape Congress in 1855 awarded him $20,000 as appreciation for his efforts. He used some of this money to write three volumes of text on his expedition, titled Narrative of the Expedition of an American Squadron to the China Seas and Japan. A damn fine read I must have read it at least seven times cover to cover.

Oh yeah, and Perry is also credited with presenting Queen Victoria a breeding pair of Japanese Chin dogs, which normally are only owned by Japanese nobility. So not only did Perry force Japan to open their ports but he stole their fucking dogs.

Perry went on to greater stardom as the star of his very own network sitcom "Friends" (original title: "Chandler and the Others.")

Perry finally died on March 4, 1858 in New York City, probably battling a zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex or something.