Matthew Putman

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Putman: Not the sharpest bulb in the store[edit]

Are you sure you didn't mean miniputt?


"Even I can't fuck him."

                 -Oscar Wilde


Putman, with Hitler and Mussolini(he's the one in the back)



Matthew Putman(AKA Charles Manson, Putnam, OMG what is that, Oscar Wilde[no relation], that loser kid, Molly the Drunken Irish Dwarven Bard) (February 30th, 1871-April 20, 2017), famous stalker of celebrities, self-proclaimed Jewish historian and voted the Most Annoying Italian on The Planet eight years in a row(go on, ask him, he'll show you the trophies). Well-known for claiming to be the secret heir of Hitler, Putman enjoys long walks on the beach(with his mother, of course), tomboys who he orders to dress more 'girly', and drinking the blood of virgins(usually his own). His favourite beverage is a mixture of hot chocolate, marshmallows, Windex and the semen of the innocent. Putman can be currently found trying to buy the world's supply of stem cells, in an attempt to prolong his life. He is immune to direct confrantation, criticism, anyone his mother can beat up, goats, Oscar Wilde(no matter what he said, THEY DIDN'T DO IT.), jocks, the Holy Grail, any klick of people, God, Satan, people who write for uncyclopedia, that guy I hate, originality and Guild Wars. Weaknesses include: social gatherings, bright lights, RTS and FPS games, Oscar Wilde(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY DIDN'T DO IT, SO STOP ASKING!), assholes who think Counter-Strike is cool, and Greedo.

Lifetime Born February 30th in Tsarist Russia, to Putman's mom and Carrot-top, Putman was raised entirely on Sean Connery films. By the age of five, he received his first nomination for Most Annoying Italian on the Planet(even though he was Russian) after yelling "Thats a'spicy meat'a'ball" eight hundred and seventy seven times in a row, without ever eating a meatball, and as far as history can tell, never even knowing what a meatball was or will be. After a heavy night of binge drinking with strawberry coolers, Carl Marx managed to convince Putman that communism might not have been such a bad idea. Putman adapted this ideal, but managed to screw it up and convince Mussolini to change and correct everything that Putman did wrong with it, which took all of Mussolini's life, and consumed his ideals well into his torturous afterlife as Satan's bitch. Putman was responsible for the outbreak of Spanish Flu, Smallpox, The Black Plague, AIDS and HIV, SARS, and Judaism. One night while at a gay bar, trying to pick up, Putman encountered Oscar Wilde. They said two words to each-other and parted ways forever. Putman has been known to exaggerate this story. He was also responsible for WWI by accidentally bumping Gavrilo Princip, while he was absent mindedly cleaning his gun in the middle of the street, causing him to shoot Archduke Ferdinant(the person, not the band, you moron). Putman was forced to flee Russia in 1917, when the Communists took over, because they were still mad at him for starting Facism. Putman then spent several years in a Turkish South American prison, for annoyance of the public and the murder of people's sanity. During this time in prison Putman attempted to assassinate Kennedy using an energy drink, a bag of Doritos and some sticky notes. Once released from the South American Turk prison, Putman encountered Hitler, and ranted for hours about how much he hated the Jews. This of course gave Hitler ideas, beginning WWII. Fearing for his life Putman decided to take shelter in the well fortified and impenetrable base of Pearl Harbour. However, he did this in a far to obnoxious (Putman-like) way that he alerted the Japanese to his location, and they for some reason hated him without know a thing about him, but they heard all the things he said. This led to the bombing of Pearl Harbour. The tragedy however is that Putman was alerted of this by the the fact that the Japanese are always five years ahead of everyone else, and fled Pearl Harbor before the bombing. He decided to hide out in Hiroshima for a few months, until the United States, mad about Pearl Harbour, decided to take him out, and bombed Hiroshima. Shortly after this, Putman met up with Chuck Norris. Chuck beat Putman into a bloody pulp by karate chopping off his own umbilical cord when he was born. Needing some time to recover Putman hid away for forty years on the surface of Neptune, in the outskirts of Toronto. While venturing in Berlin(searching for his lost Fuhrer) many years later, he tripped and knocked down the entire Berlin Wall, which needless to say, pissed a few people off(almost all of them communists, but Nancy Reagan also showed her anger for some reason).


What God has to say about Putman(on the phone of course, anyone who talks to God in person is obviously crazy) Putman? Matthew Putman? Goddammit! I mean Me-dammit! I thought that the last batch of genocides in Bosnia wiped him out! What? He's still alive? Jesus Christ! (a pause) No, no, I wasn't talking to you, son. Go away. Wow, needy bastard. Anyway, Putman alive? Dammit! I mean, he's killed more people then the Plague and Hitler combined! Come to think of it, he caused both of those...and people blame me! I haven't killed that many since the last time I hit the bottle...that's how the Crusades started. Oops. Well I hope all the aid the Americans are sending to the Middle East makes up for that. Least I think it was aid. I can never tell with Bush, that damn accent. I think he said aid, it might have been AIDS. Oh well, nothing to worry about. (another long pause) Ahh, right, Putman, thanks for reminding me Jesus. Ok, you want the real lowdown on him? Remember the Garden of Eden? Nice, fancy place, sunshine and roses, etc? Well we had just kicked Adam and Eve out after Adam kept not wearing a towel after he got out of the shower. I mean, damn, buy some curtains or something. Just cause I'm all-seeing doesn't mean everyone else has to. Any who, we decided to rent out to a nice little 'Italian' family, Putman's mom, and her son, Putman. It was fine to begin with. But oh the whining! Putman was such a little bitch. I mean, sometimes I invite Buddha, Allah and Nathan Fillion and we get totally trashed, and yeah we're kinda loud, but no one complains(I'm God, what the hell are you going to do? Call the landlord? I AM THE LANDLORD! MWAHAHAHA). Well, just as Allah was taking a funnel of Canadian, Putman knocks on the door and is all 'I'm Putman, I'm a total bitch, blah, blah, blah.' I can't remember much of it cause I was really wasted. Like nothing you've ever seen. I'm talking like all the alcohol the Russians ever drank in eighty years, all in one giant shot glass. I mean, I am God, but even I have limits. So he's on my holy porch in front of my holy door after stepping on my holy daffadils. I was, to say the least, pissed. So I boot his little ass out. Right down to earth. With his mother too. Maybe I over-reacted. And he even landed in Russia too. That's got to suck. But the kid was still an ass, so I wanted him dead. But just to make sure, I invented Siberia to keep him there. Well that didn't stop him. He...(yet another long pause)...I got to go, I'm actually not alone here, ummm, see, I met this girl, name's Venus, and oh man I think she's easy! She doesn't wear any clothes for the love of Me! I mean, come on, that's awesome! See ya later!


Mattarted: Meaning retarted but in a Matt way, or only person in world not to have slept with Oscar Wilde. Can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, adnoun, object, direct subject, indirect subject, a yo-momma joke, compound clause, complex phrase, a bucket for holding precious rainwater, advanced literacy device and the title of the new Margaret Atwood book, I Married A Mattard and All Men Suck.


Mattarded was firsted developed in five century China, as an insult to someone who stole your chickens. Nostradamus was the first known European to use it, when he predicted that 'a boy shall be born that is so mattarded, he will cause two world wars and the fall of communism. Thanks, kid.' Mattarded caught on in Victorian England, when words like 'fuck' and 'gosh' were believed to be foul. Several famous people have used mattarded.


"That guy at the bar was the most mattarded I've ever met."

                            -Oscar Wilde

"Don't worry, Jackie, I know there's alot of danger, but this is Dallas! You'd have to be pretty matarded to...."

                            -JFK(last words)

"You think I can make that shot? What am I, a mattard?"

                            -Lee Harvey Oswold to a friend on his rooftop in Dallas

"And now for the Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Be Of the Mattarded Nature, for thou would be a total n00b"

                            -Jesus at the Second Coming

"PWNED! LOL 1337 TEH GREASTEST N00B /S MATARDED! \/\/AT CS AT 1337!"

                            -Any Counter-strike player on the planet

"Gorram Mattard, I'd like to take his runtin' credits and shove it fey fey duh peeyen."

                            -Jayne Cobb, Human Relations aboard the good ship Serenity
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