May

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for June Boatwright?

History[edit]

The month of May was first recognized by the Maya of southern Mexico in 790 A.C. when the month was included as part of a revision of the infamously inaccurate Mayan calendar. Mayan culture disappeared after the European invasion of North and South America, and the month of May departed with it. Fortunately, May was rediscovered in 1955 A. C. by Alberto Embargo Jr., a long-time fan of The Treasure of Sierra Madre and celebrated Mexican Humphrey Bogart impersonator. Mexico proposed naming the month after the Maya, its original discoverers. The United Nations agreed, and May was added to the calendar in 1962.

Controversy[edit]

In keeping with the spirit of the Cold War, both the United States and the Soviet Union immediately began to cram May with holidays favorable to their respective countries and philosophies shortly after the month's reinstation. Many of the May holidays are no longer celebrated, for May is a summer month and children often consider summer holidays that don't involve explosions to be more troublesome than fun. Cheese whahoooooooooo!

Holiday Listing[edit]

Currently, the resources required to list all of the May holidays are not yet at Uncyclopedia's disposal. However, some of the principal American holidays have been listed here. As inspiration manifests itself here according to Sophia's will, it goes without saying that you may have to wait until yesterday for further holiday information.

May Day: May 1[edit]

May Day started as a Soviet holiday that commemorated the siege of Stalingrad, in which the Soviets sacked the city and roundly defeated the Russians. Parades featuring nuclear arms, tanks, and dreadnoughts were features of the Soviet celebration. Unfortunately for the Soviets, CIA agents infiltrated the Kremlin and stole the holiday from them. CBS then launched a remarkably successful public relations blitz that accused the Soviets of having stolen the holiday from the United States. Subsequently, the court of public opinion ruled against the Soviets and forced them to give the rights to the holiday up to the Americans, who then changed the holiday to a celebration of George Washington and the military industrial complex.

Cinco De Mayo: May 5[edit]

Just another reason for Beaner's to get off of work.

That is if work is considered standing outside of your local Home Depot drinking a Fanta.

May 15th[edit]

May the 15th 1995 in Brazil

marks the day that the new leader of the future world was born.  He will take over the world by extreme force, starting in France and Poland (the easy ones), and slowly moving into the interior of the only other world power, Europe.  If in fact Germany would like to give it another go, their service will be granted and thanked in the search for world dominance once again.  China and Japan will be next, as they have all the little beanie baby toys that we get from McDonalds with our happy meals, and who could live without those?  Slowly there after the Middle East, aka Sand Monkey land will be taken in possibly 5 minutes, becoming the newest state to the world named Exxon Mobile.  Shorty thereafter, Russia will be left-the-fuck alone and mass shipping of drills will be sent to the new state of Exxon. And then, well... It's just about taken, unless you want to count Australia, but due to their butt-buddyness to the USA, they will be right by our side as we take the world.

Happy May 15th world!

Prepare to be Conquered.

May 25th[edit]

May 25th is International gay pride Day. It is a day that every space traveler participates in. To quote the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough."

"More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with."

The usefulness of a towel has led to the phrase, "[That person] knows where their towel is." Do not mess with people who know where their towels are. Therefore, May 25th has been set aside as a day for all people, intergalactic hitchhikers and others alike, to learn exactly where their towel is and come to realize just how useful a piece of terrycloth can be. Oh, hey, there's a sale at Bed, Bath, and Beyond!




May 29th: Hannah Lyons is born: Devoed

Things That Are Named After May[edit]

  1. May Parker: Spiderman's old aunt, the widow of his Uncle Ben, who was murdered in his first story to teach his nephew that "With great power comes great responsibility". Nobody bothered to ask Uncle Ben what he thought of this, until Fred Hembeck was commissioned by Jim Shooter's evil twin to destroy the Marvel Universe. Ben Parker's ghost convinced him to stop, and he seemed quite resigned to having been dead since before the Marvel Universe properly got started.
  2. Possibly: A synonym for "perhaps" or "will never". As in "I may get round to the second thing on my to-do list today".
  3. "The May": A crazy man in Nashville, TN. Known for spontaneous and reckless acts. Also an excellent instigator and bad influence. Once traveled to Denver, CO., for a date.
  4. May (Japan: "Haruka"): The recent Pokémon girl introduced in Series 2. Since the Japanese name Haruka, it's not to be confused with her best friend Navi in Megaman -- but only the Lan Hikari's mother, Haruka Hikari, the daughter of May. AKA, she's a flower!
  5. the mayflower!! a ship that christopher columbus sailed on!!!:}
  6. James May


The 12 Months of the Year:
January | February | March | April | May | June | July | August | September | October | November | December