Mayo (County)

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“Better than Cork.”

~ Encyclopædia Britannica on County Mayo

County Mayo, officially The Catholic Republic of Mayo (in Irish: Poblacht Chaitliceach Maigh Eo), is an autonomous region within the Republic of Ireland. It is named after mayonnaise

Mayo is on the west coast of Ireland and until the discovery of America was at the very edge of civilisation(This is obvious in the natives savage and uncouth ways).It is Irelands third largest county but has a tiny population of under 100 people.

Contents 1 History 2 Geography 3 Dialect 4 Demographics 5 Economy 6 Sport 7 Towns

[edit] History

The earliest inhabitants of Mayo lived at the Ceide Fields near Ballycastle. They cut down so many trees they destroyed the landscape turning the fertile land into bog and dooming Mayo to centuries of emigration and famine.

Later Grace O'Malley ruled the county and is ironically remembered as an Irish hero despite the fact she fought alonside the British against Irish rebels. Later many men from the county fought in the 1798 rebellion but lost because pitch-forks were not effective against cannon. Mayo lost 90% of its population during the Great Famine and another 90% emigrated during the 1950s.

The county's autonomous status was guaranteed by a series of referendums during the mid-1990's, the results of which were 67.46% in favour of a Mayo leaving the island of Ireland and the remaining 32.54% voting for it to leave the planet altogether. Although the results of the referendum were nullified when it was discovered that it had stopped raining. Shortly after Mayo lost two All-Ireland finals in a row resulting in mass suicide, an event repeated in 2004 and 2006.

In 2009 Mayo was gripped by an epidemic of crime in which 500 people died resulting in the monicker 'Stab County'. These were the first murders in Mayo since 2004 when Paidraig Nally killed a Traveller and was rewarded with the freedom of Ballinrobe.

[edit] Geography

It was decided that Mayo was to be omitted from the OSD maps as it was the only communist state remaining in Ireland after 1999. It is ruled over by the tyrannical dictator Enda Kenny who has held Mayo in his brutal iron-fist of repression since the late 1970s. Anybody found to have in any way undermined the rule of Kenny is seized from their home by his followers (known as 'Blueshirts) and brought to his home in Islaneady where they mecilessly tortured. Mayo contains two centres of pilgrimage, Croagh Patrick which is a pagan site that is for reason visited by Catholics, and Knock a small village whos inhabitants fooled people into believing the Virgin Mary had appeared there. They followed this by building an airport in the middle of a bog which is named 'Knock Airport' despite the fact its in Charlestown.

Most of May consists of wild bog and mountain and is completely uninhabited except by sheep and savage cannibalistic tribes. Many geographers have attempted to explore the county but few have escaped unharmed. Because of this most maps of Ireland do not give any details of the county merely stating 'There be dragons'.

[edit] Dialect

"Mayoish" is a strange dialect confusing to outsiders. It consists of a nonsensical string of mispronounced English, occasional words of Irish origin, and some words clearly just made up by the speaker as they go along. A common greeting among speakers is the phrase 'Hows it goin' or alternatively the word 'Well'. Another unusual feature of the language is the tendency to add 'een' onto the names of items or creatures to suggest they are dimunative in size- for example Dogeen, Houseen, or Girleen.

Some areas of Mayo are in the Gaelthacht. In Tourmakeady, Connacht Irish is spoken but in Achill and Tourmakeady a bastardised mixture of Connacht Irish and Ulster Irish is spoken just to confuse everyone.

[edit] Demographics

Demographically, the county is most well-know for its one-person-rule. This rule, similar to the Chinese one-child-rule, makes it illegal for anything except exactly one person to be in the county at any one time. Consequently, population numbers have risen dramatically since the Great Famine of 1845-49, caused by the temporary closure for renovation of the county's sole McDonalds. The several Supermacs in the county helped alleviate this problem.

Most Mayo people actually live outside Mayo particularly in England, New York, Dublin, or Galway. In fact most people in Galway city are actually from Mayo or Roscommon-True Galwegians are almost non-existent.

The main centres of population in the county are Castlebar, Ballina and Westport. Ballina is known for its large population of Travellers who bring joy into the lives of all they meet. A border war has been running between Mayo and Roscommon over the town of Ballaghaderreen which is claimed by both counties.

Perhaps the most famous town in Mayo is Castletown formerly known as Swinford, home to Eddie Durkan and Buzz McDonnell. Recently a documentary entitled 'Hardy Bucks' aired on British television which gave an insight in the lives of Mayo people by following Eddie ans Buzz as they went about their daily business. Frequently they find their lives interfered with by 'The Viper' a mysterious figure with delusions of grandeur who causes mischief in the town apparently unaware his mother has worms.

[edit] Economy

A recent technology boom, focusing on the production of fire, wheels and wooden poking instruments, has lifted employment in the once impoverished economy. Centred mainly in the high-rise metropolis districts of Castlebar and Ballina, these industrial development has changed the face not only of these regions but many out-lying areas also. Unemployment now runs at a record low of 84.3% of males over 16. Women are disallowed from ordinary paid employment. Sex, discovered by two cousins during a farming accident last year, provides the only source of income for many.

The recent discovery of natural gas in Erris has been enthusiastically greeted by locals who often march and rally in support of the project. The 'Shell and Me' group are led by Maura Harrington a schoolteaher known for her graceful appearance, and Pat 'Chef' O'Donnell a fisherman noted for his culinary skills. However Shell have often threatened to move out of the area as the locals are 'too friendly'. In fact they reported dozens of locals had approached Shells pipe-laying vessel in rubber dinghys and canoes to help steer it into Broadhaven Bay, which in fact hampered the attempted anchoring.

The women of Mayo are notoriously easy (not on the eye) and frequently attend Copper Face Jacks in Dublin looking for some "Wavin". The men of the county are mostly sleazy men who sit at the bar wearing leather jackets commenting on the amount of 'young talent' there is to be found.

[edit] Sport

Mayos hurling record is poor mainly because the technology recquired to make hurls is not available. However its footballers have been very successful winning every All-Ireland title since 1951. The team is currently managed by John O'Mahoney who is from Kilmovee/Ballaghaderreen/Cant decide and who is also a TD. By seizing control of both politics and sport he hopes to eventually take control of the county in a bloody coup

Among the most prominent players in the county is Conor Mortimer who is known for his love of Micheal Jackson, his perfect spelling, his safe driving, and his extreme modesty. Other famous players include Willie Joe Padden who struck so much fear into Galwegians that they "hadn't a hope of batein Mayo" and Ciaran McDonald as well known for hid luscious blonde locks as his superb footballing ability.

[edit] Towns

• Ballina
• Ballinrobe