Media

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The media is a division of the FBI that convenes for the express purpose of telling lies. This is by necessity a covert activity, because one of the media's biggest and most fabulously successful lies is that the media does not lie.

Code of Ethics[edit]

Like any profession that believes it is more important than it really is, the Society of Professional Journalists have voluntarily enacted a Media Code of Ethics to confuse and piss off people.

Lies In The Media[edit]

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan telling us what to believe.

George Orwell once wrote, "He who controls the newspaper, controls destiny." This is not technically true, since nobody actually reads the newspaper. It is close enough to the mark, however, that we can give Georgie credit. A more accurate statement is: "He who controls the Liquid Paper Industry, controls destiny." The more the media whites-out, and the less the it actually tells you, the better it's doing it's job. The modern day media feels no obligation to tell the truth, since it is not required to take shit from anyone.

The origins of media lies and censorship openness and truth-telling began in 1894, when Joseph "Old Boy" Pulitzer remarked, "Man, these people are DUMB! I bet they'd even believe me if I told them that Communists are trying to send space-men to the moon!" According to urban legend a colleague took him up on this bet, and for the next century or so the ignorant masses lived in perpetual fear of the Cold War. The press forgot to tell you, however, that the idea had come up in Pulitzer's mom's basement after one to many shots of hooch. Since then, high-caliber journalists have sought to improve upon Pulitzer's work by inventing the most outrageous stories they think they can think of, and actually making people from Alabama believe them. Each year, the Pulitzer Prize in journalism is rewarded to the guy or girl who can devise the most wacky newspaper headline without being called for bullshit. For example, the entire life of Mahatma Gandhi was written in 1948 by a crack team of literature majors working for Time Magazine. The work has since been censored for "promoting violence" and "disparaging minorities."

Most media lies nowadays are designed to support the Hittler administration, and to make us believe all of Hittler's lies at the same time. Perhaps the best-known in recent times was the CBS News "expose" which relied on supposedly authentic documents in an attempt to show us that Democraps are demons clothed in skin, trying to bring down American democracy. In fact, this was such a masterfully created lie, that many people still believe it to be true, and will shoot a conservative on sight with a silver bullet, and failing that will discredit his reputation.

This new form of journalism, where double lies are told equally from all angles (sans factoids), is rapidly becoming the norm. This behavior is leading people to believe every word and lie expressed by TV pundits, such as Jon Stewart, Stephan Colbert and Al Gore (famous Global Warming Alarmist).

Who Controls The Media? The Jews[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Media.

Several theories abound Jews as to who owns the media. Some say it is owned by Rupert Murdoch, or Ted Turner, or a vast conspiracy of North Korean nuclear scientists. Others believe it is owned by Walmart or ya mom. Still others swear that the entire media is controlled and run by a giant supercomputer named Max.

The truth, dear reader, is that jews all of these theories are notfalse and propagated by the jews Canadians that actually own the media.

"Nonsense," many might say. But it is true. Many do not believe that jews Canadians even exist. Yet, most people have never seen a funnel cake outside of television and zoos, and they still believe in funnel cakes. Well, Canadians are far too dangerous and intelligent to be put in a zoo, and they are subtle enough not to appear on any of the television programming they own other than cartoons.

For the most part, the jewsCanadians are fairly benign and peacefully coexist with their human mind-slaves. However, a recent change in management has caused a large faction of Canadians to break away from the Canadian leadership and declare civil war on the US by trashing the airwaves with mind-numbing emo music and reality television. This marked the beginning of the ongoing Canadian Insurrection, to which humans are blissfully ignorant.

I'm Confused. Does Or Doesn't The Media Lie?[edit]

I'd be a liar if I said No, it doesn't.

As recently as last month the liberal media, in which the media takes a minor role, has been forced to stand behind statements that it lies, casting significant doubt on claims that the media does or doesn't lie.

This Makes No Sense![edit]

Only a complete fucktard would say Yes, it does. Stop reading this you little bitch!

The Media as a Profession[edit]

Each year, hundreds of young, bright college graduates are reduced to overweight, debt-ridden, neurotic wage slaves who smell like stale McDonalds french fries. This is due to the utter worthlessness and unprofitability of the Media as a profession. But it is ironic to know in Oklahoma City, the Gaylord family, who owns the city's The Oklahoman, manages to own the richest neighborhood in the state and donate millions to the University of Oklahoma's football stadium complex, which is named "The Gaylord Family Memorial Stadium."

Print Journalism[edit]

Many universities are proud of their programs in print media and public affairs. Journalism professors speak on and on about the virtues of being a part of your community through a well-written public affairs piece. Journalists can expect to change the world with a written word. What they don't warn you about however is that careers in the mass media are only open to those who are assholes, homosexuals (or those who act like it), or minorities. If you are unlucky enough to be a middle class white male, don't even apply, you will be laughed at. Sweating, Jane slowly slid her fingers down her boIf, due to death a position does come open, newspaper editors choose new employees not on the basis of talent or potential, rather they pick the candidate who threatens their job the least. The average guaranteed salary of a recent college graduate in journalism is only slightly higher then the average wage at the local Wal-Mart or gas station, because, obviously, these are the only jobs available.

If a career is somehow secured, be it through bribery, favoritism, affirmative-action, nepotism or dumbass luck, and if your job is not immediately lost through the acts of backstabbing co-workers, takeover by an enormous media conglomerate, outsourcing to India, accusations of plagiarism or dumbass luck, you will find there is no chance of advancement as all the "good" jobs are taken by people who will not give them up. This relegates you to permanently being a bottom feeder of the industry. Your dreams of breaking the big story dashed as you arrive late at the Municipal Police station to interview some equally jaded cops about their latest round of insignificant marijuana busts on the highway. All is well!!! Rarely will you ever get to write anything as you are meant for bullshit tasks like proofreading advertisements or replenishing the toilet paper in all the bathrooms. And if the stockholders aren't making enough money, look out! Realistically speaking however, the only way anyone would ever get a job at a newspaper would be if they were delivering it at 5:30 in the morning.

Broadcast Media[edit]

People in the broadcast media are special types of assholes. Those holding the good, off-camera jobs refuse to die and open up their position to someone new. On-air talent, like news anchors, so-called meterologists, radio announcers and morning show hosts are bred and raised at special douchebag farms and chosen for their unique voices, winning smiles, and glistening pelts. The only skills required of on-air talent is the ability to read things out loud, point out Delaware on a map and control flatulance for hours at a time. Every so often an on-air talent will stumble across an important story to report and follow. The story, regardless of quality, will be given an award and the reporter will spend the rest of their life talking about it.

Broadcast, for-profit news outlets are "infotainment," meant to hold the highest number of viewers to keep advertisers happy.

If you are unfortunate enough to have some desire to be an on-air talent, stop. Do not panic. Here is a three step process you should follow. 1. Turn on the gas in your oven. 2. Stick your head in it. 3. Wait.

Doom[edit]

The mass media is an unprofitable business. The only way the media can survive is if a flu epidemic wipes out half the population, frees up a few jobs and hopefully takes out those idiots who insist on "total coverage." 3 straight hours of looking at the front door of the same NASA building doesn't tell us shit.

Fuck it, do something else, die somewhere warm.

News Agencies[edit]

New Products from the Media Coming Soon![edit]

The 24 hour Motorola news chip. Just surgically implant this super sleek and sexy chip into your cerebral cortex! From there we do all the thinking for you with much more brainwashing efficiency. Television is mind control of the past. The ability to ignore our information is now useless! Report to your local implant clinic for more information. I mean...your local pharmacy. Note: All those who don't report will be vaporized. Side Effects Loss of free will, motor skill failure, loss of activity in brain without Super Sleek and sexy Motorala News Chip (patent pending).

Newsworthiness[edit]

To better understand the media, one must examine the concepts used by journalists to determine the newsworthiness of a story and, therefore, the relevance the story has to the public. Because let's face it, nobody wants to read the same boring shit about the Municipal Power Plant Commission's third annual meeting, right? That won't sell newspapers. Furthermore, the public is full of retards who need to be told what is important to them. (Broadcast news goes hand-in-hand with anything on MTV and Hummer commercials.)

The following is a list of factors professional journalists consider when determining newsworthiness:

  • Anything involving friends or relatives of the publisher(s)
  • How many shirtless black people got arrested
  • More black people getting arrested, but this time there must be loud black women yelling at the police.
  • Fire
  • How many fatalities were in the latest car accident
  • Who got voted off American Idol
  • Titiliation
  • Why our space program is a waste of money
  • Secret programs in video games where you can see poorly animated, clothed people fucking
  • Illegal immigrants
  • BS hysteria about the "obesity epidemic"
  • If people (chavs inparticular) win money
  • If people care, they spout any shit possibly
  • Anything about how crazy Britney is
  • Anything with puppies
  • Anything to appease old people
  • People with scary mugshots
  • Movies about gay cowboys
  • Paternity test results
  • A three meter wide thermal exhaust port right below the main port
  • The defeat of the Red Baron
  • Tits
  • Animals born with deformities
  • Cruise ship disasters
  • Customer service complaints against airlines
  • Prison rape
  • Anything including the phrase "knuckle fucker"
  • All of the above accept that it must be repeated over and over again

The average Media audience[edit]

The best way to exploit your audience is to know who it consists of. The average person reading a daily newspaper is a 74 year old, blue-haired grandma who probably owns more than 10 cats (excluding the strays) and is dumb enough to believe anything in print. The average TV news viewer is a middle-aged male who cares only about sports news or news read by a hot chick. Again, anything with tits (even on men) is bound to pull in viewers. TV news broadcasters can't wait until the Federal Communications Commission allows nude broadcasts. Journalism experts predict huge advertising revenue increases when this form of journalism is allowed.

Understanding and Applying Modern Media[edit]

People criticize modern media for not understanding the importance of news. The problem exists because too often opinionated media programs have hijacked modern news outlets--bypassing the principal of simply passing along information--to impose a particular idea. These ideas often attempt to separate and dichotomize one particular view over another, regardless the validity of the argument.

Ultimately, it has turned what we call "news" into opinion, and the public accepts it. Is this a surprise? Fuck no. People are stupid.

The "free market" of mainstream media holds one agenda--the bottom line; money. They say, "Give the people what they want." The people want sensationalism, not the intellectual exchange of ideas. They do this to make money. We don't want your fucking money. Fuck you.

Don't ever forget who is trying to influence you when you are informing yourself of anything.

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Media is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.