Media violence

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Media violence is a relatively recent phenomenon characterized by the presence of angry reporters wielding pointy objects. The phenomenon may be responsible for the mysterious drop in network ratings.

[edit] Origin

The term was coined in 1954 by a sexually frustrated meteorologist who, upon spying naughty words upon the teleprompter, flew into an angry rage, bellowed something about marmalade, took a picnic knife out of his breast pocket and shot the attractive male cameraman in the forehead. He then proceeded to slay the rest of the crew with shouts of "Roffles!" and "Media violence!" (both terms stuck, although the former waited until the invention of Al Gore to emerge as "ROFL.")

After the carnage, the meteorologist killed himself by slicing his neck with notecards. Few in the newsroom escaped his wrath. Those who did, rather shocked by his erratic behavior and the odd manner in which the picnic knife operated, remained hidden beneath the crane for several days without food or water. In the end, they resorted to eating themselves for sustenance.

[edit] First Application

Although media violence is mainly used to make a lot of noise, it is also a valuable weapon. The U.S. Army recognized its usefulness during the Vietnam War. Immediately, commanding officers ordered that 15,000 irate journalists be dropped into the jungle by helicopter. The air drop was successful beyond compare; thousands of acres of jungle were blasted into oblivion, making it easier for U.S. marines to spot the Vietcong and rare tropical birds. Not that there were many Vietcong left. Even today you can come see the crater.

[edit] Regulation

President Truman saw the glorious devastation and became afraid of its potential. As a result he authored the famous Other Truman Doctrine which banned the use of media in warfare. Ever since, there have been no military applications for media violence. Currently, however, action is being taken in Congress to lift the ban. If this occurs, media violence may be used against insurgents in Iraq.