Men and shopping

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The only way men could possibly understand shopping.

Shopping. Something men could not possibly understand and yet is vital for two reasons: Not being naked and getting into the panties of the Women-folk. Important reasons by any scope, particularly for the straight male.

The story behind it[edit]

Men and shopping have been ancient foes since the beginning of creation, and this is charted so in the Bible. Eve, the first to take a bite from the apple was hit by this sudden epiphany that she would later refer to as shopping. She rushed to Adam, who did not see the need to shop/create clothes and asked one question: Why?. Such was the beginning of the bi-millennial battle between Man and that eternal, money consuming demon known as the clothes shop. Eve later forced Adam into eating the apple and thus begun the satanic ritual by which Men are enticed by Women into walking into the maw of The Beast.

Women and shopping[edit]

Women, unlike Men, are immune to the effects of The Beast because their ancestor was the one who released it from it's red, juicy, seeded little prison. When it was released, it outlined a dark ritual which all women inherit to their knowledge the instant their period starts. As such, they begin to "get out there", trapping innocent young men and bringing them to feed their glorious money to The Beast, making it stronger. The benefits they reap as a consequence of their devotion to this monster include the subservience of the Men, significant rewards for their efforts known as "clothes" and the ability to feed on the dignity of the Men themselves.

The Beast's effects on society[edit]

2000 years of feeding to the monster has made it so strong that it has begun to influence the way society works. The most significant effect of this is the emergence of the homosexual. This new hybrid of Man and Woman has the appearance of a Man with all of the demonic traits associated with a Woman who serves The Beast. They quickly associate with others of their own kind and the Women-folk. Nature abhors a vacuum however, and this also resulted in the emergence of the lesbian. This other new hybrid has the appearance of a Woman but suffers the drawbacks associated with one who does not serve The Beast. (A Man.) However, the Beast soon realised that because the traditional lesbian was like a Man but feasted on their own kind instead, no money ever found it's way to him and thus he created a new kind of lesbian.

The sub-lesbian[edit]

This new breed of an existing hybrid has many characteristics of a Woman, most notably and the primary reason for their existence, subservience to The Beast. This new breed retains the appearance and behaviours of a Woman and solely exists to bring the traditional lesbian from the rest of the traditional lesbian pack to feed on their dignity and give money to The Beast, eventually culminating in the total subversion of the traditional lesbian to serve the same purpose as Man.

Ways in which The Beast can be fought[edit]

As outlined in the book of Galactus Men may fight The Beast in several ways. One way is to simply enjoy purely the company of other Men and reject Women entirely from your life, thus becoming rich. However, this may come back to bite you in the ass in one of either two ways. You will ultimately become attracted to Men and thus become a fag, making your efforts futile. The other side-effect, as charted by Seth McFarlane, a long time fighter of The Beast, is that you will simply have sex with warm, buttered bagels.

Another way is to make your riches before throwing yourself into the vicious dog-pit that is the world of shopping. However, this method doesn't really do much in the way of fighting as it gives The Beast what it wants and other Freedom Fighters will look upon you as an asshole and will proceed to beat you with what is both a misnomer and their primary mode of offense, problem sticks.

There are ways that The Beast's minions' focus on raping your poor pocket and consuming the lovely money inside can be stopped. One way, which has become credited as "ingenious" by the man with the plan, the thunder from down under, he who flies like a butterfly and stings like a bee, he who defended Earth from a Dalek invasion, the mongoose himself, Sir Oscar Wilde, is taking some kind of video entertainment system into the store with you such as a Gameboy. This causes the Women-folk to feel ignored, hurt and confused thus temporarily causing them losing their power to eat dignity and export money. However, batteries are the only shortfall of this ingenious plan, and do not expect to find batteries in the immediate vicinity. The minions are already holding them hostage by the time you realised your Gameboy is dying. The final and ultimate technique which completely halts the shop's hold over a single minion and ending the shop's hold temporarily is what has been famously dubbed the "husband chair". This chair is the one uncorruptible object, the single most pure chair in the whole of creation, and oddly enough, every temple shop has one. This is reported as an act of the G-man himself.

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