Mercedes-Benz

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“Awesome war machine. Gimme a beer and I'll drive!”

~ Elvis Presley on Mercedes-Benz

“In Soviet Russia, Mercedes Drives You!”

~ Russian Reversal on Mercedes-Benz

“If it moves, then it is alive!”

~ Albert Einstein on how to tell if something is alive

“Another proof of evolution”

~ Charles Darwin on the different classes of the Mercedes-Benz

“Suckzor san, Toyota is better, and cheaper!”

~ Junichiro Koizumi on Mercedes-Benz

“No, I'd never drink and drive! Oh, except for that one time... when I got that DUI in my SL65? I can't help it! I was in a Mercedes!”

~ Lindsay Lohan on Mercedes-Benz

“I don't know, but look how shiny!”

~ Ross Gellar from F.R.I.E.N.D.S on the horsepower in his new Mercedes

“EUREKA!!1! Ive finally decided on how I'm going to design the next lexus model. ”

~ Lexus Engineer looking at a POS Benz

“Something that makes me feel 4 years old again, when Captain Slow is blubbering about Alfa Romeo's again”

~ Jeremy Clarkson on Mercedes-Benz


“I invented the Mercedes-Benz, you know.”

~ Gene Simmons on Mercedes-Benz

Hitler never followed the instructions on the papers, namely because Satan wrote that whoever wanted to make the ultimate war machine, a Mercedes Vario (a modified, armored, extended VW Kombi Bus), complete with a steel bullbar, shatterproof windscreen and Cyanide-releasing exhaust pipe. He intended to use it to run over Stalin and gas his militant soldiers to death in Russia.

As Satan would have condemned, the Mercedes Vario war machine failed to be the ultimate weapon and Hitler and his officials were defeated in 1945. Hitler and his officials died when Hitler crashed the Mercedes Vario sideways into a Ford F350 (which was a mighty American tank driven by President Eisenhower) and rebounded over a cliff.

German scientologist Heinz Benz continued Hitler's aspirations of building the ultimate German war machine, after he realized that he could produce diesel gas with a little help from his pet dog Robert's excrement. Years of careful research led him to expand his house to become a factory for the war machine, now named Mercedes-Benz. To drive a Mercedes-Benz, you must either be old, or be Indian (preferably Sikh).

How the word Mercedes came about is still unknown, though it is possible that Satan might have seen the word on MTV.

  • A-Class: Small and compact, these are the ideal vehicles for scouts, weaving through thick jungles and consuming little fuel, allowing for long reconnaissance missions. Enemies will pity the driver to such an extent they will die laughing.

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  • C-Class: A car for poor suckers who just want the badge. Really, this car is total shit.

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  • E-Class: The E-Class was produced in the greatest numbers, making it the fastest production war vehicle of all time. It had a much powerful engine than the C-Class and was armed with eight Plasma cannons or optional with extra 450mm Proton torpedos . The 'stretched' version was able to do the Kessal run in under eight parsecs.

http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i39/orkstomper/FalconMerc.jpg

MERCEDES E-CLASS ALPINA B10 QUADRATURBO STI GT-R

  • S-Class: A modification of the E-Class saw a bigger body and more powerful engine, but it proved too costly to mass produce. It runs best in the Sahara desert where they can use the camels as additional firepower. It has a navigation system, but the screen is so bright that it will easily blind everyone in the truck, even if they're not looking at it. The Audi A8 got fucked by the S-Class.

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  • SLK: The cruisers which travel at relatively high speeds. They were meant for blitz attacks but during the 1967 war in Mongolia, the SLKs were used for fast extraction of high-ranking officers when pinned down by enemy fire.

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  • SLR: Dr. Z's and Dr. Whoopass's secret project. The nuke of them all. They tore up 110% of all of the territory they covered. It is said that these are the weapons used in Mercedes' ongoing war against BMW It is also believed that is composed directly of nuclear waste.

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  • AMG: The AMG versions of Mercedes vehicles contain extra amounts of whoopass and explosives, fire cruise missiles automatically and launch grenades from the rear of the vehicle. Oscar Wilde has and S-Class AMG in the United Kingdom and uses it to destroy Gatsos. The Mercedes SLK55 AMG gets from 0 to 60mph in 0.000001 second. With such change in speed, the force, will destroy the driver and the big fatass passengers. Top speed is 155 miles per hour, though I guarantee you - the car will explode if you take it over 90mph. Standard features include a navigation system that gives the wrong directions, a 0-disc CD changer, a frontview camera for the visually impaired, heated front seats that will increase in temperature until they eventually light both the passengers and seat on fire, and a power sunroof that melts the driver's face (the car attracts heat from the sun, then the heat gathers up on the driver's head). It's a very luxurious car, though you must be meticulous with how you use it, or else your car will despise you. You don't know what happens when your car despises you? TOO BAD! I'm telling you anyway. If you use your car incorrectly, doors will lock forever, glass will turn to metal, windows and the sunroof will close, and you will die of hunger, suffocation, and/or thirst. Here's a picture of the talented SLK55 AMG.

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  • G-Class: A new project called G-Class(stands for Gangsta-Class) has executed to run over the whole damn streets. Automatic grenade launcher, installed composite armor and 25cm Kenwood Subwoofers never disappoint your hoes dancing with you on heated lowrider competition.

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  • Mercedes-Binz: The first ever car that can drive itself, which was developed by Taliban terrorists and will be imported to America.

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  • GLK-Class: A light armoured class that armed with 120mm HEAT defensive cannon, 12.7mm M2HB laser guided heavy machine-gun, M119 howitzer, M220 TOW laser guided missile, Nord SS.11 laser guided uranium equipped rocket, M1097 Avenger Pedestal Mounted Stinger platforms, Raytheon surface-to-air laser guided missile, automatic toxic flare/smoke grenade launcher, installed FRAG 5, FRAG 6, VEE windows, MRAP & composite armour and S250 shelter carriers. However, Mercedes Benz's official stated that soon GLK-Class will close their service due to high loss rates among users, specially in Iraq. Because Mercedes was too dumb and forgot to put satanic symbol on this truck, which makes the truck can have horsepower to flee from insurgent's 200mm semi-automatic bio-warhead loaded neutron shell launching system. Below is a picture of GLK-Class armed with only 20mm ASAD nuclear shell launcher, that is the initial one without any upgrades.

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  • LOL-Class: The deadly version that can put POWs inside the large trunk and make it frozen and die.

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  • Vito: Carries 50-kg of C4 explosives to be detonated in enemy bases. Basically the German Kamikaze.

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History[edit]

As an anal and vehicular corporation, Mercedes-Benz has many illustrious founders. Susan Meyer, Britney Spears, Beyoncé and Jessica Alba are among them. The company has been running for thousands of years, but it wasn't well-known until Tom Cruise discovered it. Their founders are also known to use cell phones frequently, and that's why you see Mercedes-Benz drivers blocking the lane, on their cell phones, with their Mercedes-Benz dogs in their laps, drinking mocha lattés... they just piss me off... those rich badge whores... fuck them...

An early 1973 Mercedes-Benz

BTW, they originated in Toronto, Canada, which is the retarded sister to Chicago. You should go check it out sometime. It's the home of door handles.

Canada sucks.

Reasons to Own a Mercedes-Benz, and Their Requirements[edit]

There aren't many reasons to own a Mercedes-Benz. Here are the top ten:

  • Badge
  • Luxury (beats the bus anyway..)
  • Sexy
  • Badge
  • Style (or rather lack of)
  • Power (compared to Walking)
  • Badge
  • Being an asshole
  • German-ness
  • Drifting Maniac
  • And of course, the badge
  • Did we mention the badge?

And here are the requirements to own them:

  • Must be either a) a sixty-five year old empty nester or b) a rich teenager who got it on MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen"
  • Must own an iPhone
  • Must have an income of either a) less than $50,000 (in which case you'd lease a Crappy McShit C-Class) or b) in excess of $500,000 (in which case you'd buy a 604hp SL65 AMG like Lindsay Lohan)
  • Must have friends who can accessorizes your Mercedes-Benz with their sexiness
  • Must be completely self-centered in all predicaments
  • Must be completely badge-centric, so that you can tell your friends, "I drive a Mercedes-Benz!"
  • Must be a contractor.
  • Must wear yellow construction boots.
  • Must be a virgin. (Not in the case of Lindsay lohan who owns a SL(ut)65 AMG and Paris Hilton Who owns a SL(ut)R).
  • Must be Hokkien.
  • Must actually know how to swear in Hokkein (Hey, after all, you own a benz, they don't.)
  • Must have head firmly secured up ass
  • Must like Lexus but be afraid to admit it

http://www.wreckedexotics.com/sl500/sl55_20060411_001.jpg result of driving a mercedes

http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/thisweekineducation/upload/2007/07/miller_speaks_monday_--_whos_d/lindsay-lohan-mug-shot-01.jpg Some Bird http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i39/orkstomper/Hot_pants2.jpg

Your average mercedes driver

Did you know...[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde was the test driver of the S-Class, and currently owns 11 of them in 12 countries.
  • Despite its lousy firepower, one A-Class was reportedly powerful enough to blow apart 3 E-Classes stacked one on top of the other, during the commemoration of the Naughty Lesbian Teachers Day.
  • Benz became bankrupt after building the Mercedes-Benz, apparently because he spent all his money on materials and borrowed from others to buy a heater to keep them warm. He later worked for BMW to pay off the debts.
  • Mercedes-Benz is the favored car brand of most bad guys and mafia in movies.
  • Bill Gates owns a solid gold SLR, which he keeps hidden in the glovebox of a slightly larger solid platinum SLR kept inside of the universes largest diamond carved out into a garage
  • Chewbacca drives a Mercedes. He has decreed that all fellow Wookies & Ewoks must buy one NOW!
  • Mercedes-Benz is now a division of the famous British brand of Aston Martin after BMW sold it to IBM
  • That if you have sex with a girl named Mercedes in a Mercedes, you will be totally awesome? Oh, and the universe will also end.
  • It took weeks for the members of mercedes190.co.uk to find this entry, thank god they have Scat Nav. Though most of themhave probably missed this bit too.
  • James Bond drives a Mercedes-Benz SLR in Die Another Day to fight against George W. Bullshit, who drives a Lincoln made of tons of vinyl, xenon and old newspaper.
  • Mercedes-Benz is a German car manufacturer where all marketing and sales are directed against the German gay community. The car is also wildly popular in the gay capital of Norway, Lundamo, where six Mercedes-Benz cars can be found. The most popular model is the Mercedes Benz Geländewagen, which comes in several colors, but the most popular are pink, purple, gold and latexblue. It was designed to protect the führer from pixies. Geländewagen, often called “Børstraktor (The Gay Tractor) in Norwegian, is designed by The Village People.
  • That Mercedes has awesome, enormous tits??
  • The Mercedes-Benz became so famous that a map was even named after it because it beat the shit out of other maps. The 'mercedes projection' is a way getting the spherical earth onto something very shallow eg. an English football supporter. It has become the standard map but suffers from 3 major flaws:
    • The stretching required makes horrible saggy bits ( called Canada and wales )
    • The projection laughably makes England appear larger than every other country in the world, including even the super-empire of the grand-uber-power of Cornwall
    • In reality, most things aren't green (Google earth is probably better).
  • Although Mercedes-Benz has always been in a death match with BMW, there have been two recent attacks on their royal Nazi palace:
    • Audi, another Teutonic manufacturer, known for producing lustrous wood trim and shitty-wheel syndrome
    • Lexus,is Japanese SHIT for people who are too fucking poor to own a benz. REALLY JAPANESE SHIT, BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT? IT'S JAPANESE.
    • Acura, another rebadged Japanese shit-mobile for Honda-owners who want more v-tec
  • Did you Know that Sev has no ears?
    • Neither attack has been fully successful, but Audi's rocket-launching Q7 models, which are coming in from the left side of the palace, are gaining ground...."Sir, Shields are at 70% maximum"..."Oh shiite gotta go guys ill talk to you later"

See also[edit]