Metal
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Metal is a generic term used to classify two very different things.There are many forms of metal. Depending on the context or situation, metal can be either of the following:
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[edit] Metal (Mineral)
The mineral version of metal is quite useless, Mostly used as to insulate cheep houses and forge useless imitation swords. Some say My heart is made of Metal but to them I say "pish posh".
[edit] History
Metal was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the same time he created everything else: time, space, the world and Anime. It was first discovered by Winston Churchill when he returned from one of his numerous sex parties blind drunk and covered in Sludge, the raw form of metal, and fell into an open blast furnace. Upon being pulled out by his good friend Stanley Kubrick, Churchill discovered that the metal which had melted off him had been formed into a primitive soup ladle by the intense heat of the furnace. He subsequently used this discovery as a weapon with which he won World War II-XIIV, the War of 1812 and Scrabble.
It was long believed that the word "Metal" was derived from the Greek word Metallon, however, recent evidence has shown that Kubrick actually had a unique speech impediment preventing him pronouncing the letter n, and he was attempting tell Churchill that he was "mental".
[edit] Periodic Table Position
Metal is class that is given to certain elements from the periodic table. These elements are, in their natural state, shiny solids good at conducting, heat, electricity and light operettas. More commonly known metals include iron maiden , zinc and golden arches.
[edit] Uses
[edit] Iron
Iron one of the simplest and hardest of all the metals. It can't do algebra and it can drink silver under the table.
It is used in:
[edit] Lead
Lead (not to be confused with Led, which is, in fact, an entirely different kind of heavy metal used to manufacture Led Zeppelins) is soft and heavy (It may cause death, although this is unconfirmed (but it doesn't do it as well as mercury). Warning: Lead produced in China has been known to contain traces of lead. It is used in:
- boots
- hearts, such as those of emo kids
- pipes, specifically those used for killing people, especially Colonel Mustard
- Vanishing Good at not being on the top of public buildings, churches, factorys etc
- doors lead doors, commonly used in star trek to add uneccessary weight to the ship.
- leadfoot a condition leading to paralysis and death.
[edit] Copper
Copper was originally taken into the group as the token black guy, but has had to survive on its own merits ever since it was pointed out that it was actually brown.
It is used in:
- Wire
- Whips
- Magazines
- Pre-Huffed Kittens
- Killer Robots
- Socks
- Law Enforcement
[edit] Beryllium
Beryllium is not considered tr00 metal and has struggled to establish itself within the metal realm... As it is the lightest of all the rigid metals it is not considered very 'heavy metal' and thus is shunned as 'inferior' by Iron enthusiasts and Steel elitists.
It is used in:
[edit] Any Other Metal
Any other metal (or AOM) is used solely in the production of 6000 Sided Dice and is therefore considered utterly useless by everyone else. AOM is currently in a downward spiral of alcoholism and Kitten Huffing due to the sever depression this opinion has caused. It is yet to be determined whether AOM can be used in socks.
[edit] Metal (Music)
Metal is a style of music characterized by an abundance of H-Waves, which release endorphins into the brain. These highly specialised waves are received through the hair folicles, which has led to excessive hair growth among metal music devotees in order to absorb as many of them as possible. So called headbanging has been invented by die-hard metal fans to increase the contact area of the hair. It was found that by standing still only 30% of the hair was actually reached by the H-waves, while headbanging increases that ratio to 70-80%.
It is that a taste for true metal shows strong correlation to viking genealogy. This is because of so much berzerking drugs taken by vikings building up in the ancestry. It is known by researchers that exposure to metal at a young age frequently produces children that will possess features similar to that of Metal gods like Odin and Optimus Prime
Note that in humans, the ability to transform is fatal.
It is called metal because of the large amounts of metal spikes and chains worn by the people who play it. Originally it was referred to as "spandex", but after winning the second world war Winston Churchill devoted his time and alchemical powers to making his favorite form of music less gay.
[edit] Measurement
Heavy Metal is measured in Brutons, the measure of the song in question's brutality. on average, a metal song has 40 Brutons. while a band like Behemoth clocks in at 260 Brutons per song, Kenny G clocks in at 6 Brutons per song. Upon hearing this he asked "Why so low?" and Scientists claim: "It needs to be more Brutal." Bands such as Morbus Deus can have sections with only a few Brutons, and 200+ Bruton sections in the same song.
[edit] Lyrics
Metal is often accused of having pretentious or unimaginative lyrics, but research suggests that this is not the case. Lyrical concepts within metal songs cover a wide variety of themes, including "satan", "the devil" and "death". Despite this variety, some metal bands have tried to extend their lyrical palette, but have been rejected on the grounds that their lyrics did not sound "brutal" enough. The lyrics in metal songs are often emphasised by incoherent screaming, prompting casual observers to wonder why the songs have lyrics anyway. When not headbanging and imitating guitar solos, metalheads rightly defend the lyrics to their songs in a manner similar to that of religious fundamentalists, a fact which has resulted some to create their own religion, satanism.
[edit] Classifications
[edit] Death metal
MY DICK IS LONGGGGGG! This genre was originally called 'deaf metal' because of its effects on the ears. it was invented by Neil Young and his close friends Lee Dorian and Mike Smith. Lee Dorian was the inventor of napalm, scum as well as Fear, emptiness and despair. Lee Dorian was the first person to loose his hearing as a result of this new form of music. As a result they called their trio 'Napalm Deaf'. 'Napalm Deaf' then decided they were 'grindk0re'. Also the band "Anal Blast" (not kidding about the name) was a favored death metal band with the seemingly famous drummer from Slipcock. This is the art of make music while grinding one's testicles on a meat cutter. Everyone thought this was better than Rick Astley.
As the genre's popularity grew so did the damage, before long everyone was listening to a new wave of death metal bands, like Cannibal Corpse and Cattle Decapitation who played primarily 'white noise', a noise which can only be created by the white population. No one could tell that this wasn't as good as Neil Young's music because they were deaf.
"Basically this sucks, its called daeth metal because thats what you want to do when you listen to it, die. Unaudable screaming in front of sound barrier breaking changes in tempo is a test of mortals to see how long one can listen to this ancient form of emo's ejaculating. The current record for sustained listening on full volume is 2.758372973 seconds, held by Victor Sevedski of Russia, who is now deceased, as his balls, then head exploded." Comments such as this have become prominent in the homosexual community.
[edit] Thrash metal
This genre music has been called by many names: Skate Metal (named as such because it is often listened to during pregnancy), Speed Metal (named because one of the first times such music was heard, James Hetfield was on LSD), Date Metal (this one's obvious), etc.
Thrash Metal includes:
- Matching Head
- Metal licka
- Megadeaf
- Metallic@nt
- Anttracks
- Five Finger Death Punch ...(I'm not fucking joking this time).
- from awstom to asstits
- TOTALLYPUNCHSHIT
This genre is given the name thrash because its Chuck Norris' favorite, and he'll whoop ass to it. Thrash metal patrons are characterized as having smaller feet than anyone else on the planet, as well as a natural leathery hide that protects them from broken beer bottles.
Thrash started c. 2600 BCE when a group of Egyptians working on the Sphinx discovered that rocks were less cool than metal.
[edit] Nu-metal
Sometimes called 'new wave metal' . This sub-genre developed from national music in the 17th century in Spain . The music is now measured even in KiloBrutt , MegaBrutt or , with the bands System of a Daddy , Bullet for my Ass and even in TerraBruttons . Nu-metal is often connected with bluetooth technology and potatoes . Nu-metal bands often try to be creative and interesting , by wearing strange black clothes, in which they look like squid-bats, or by wearing the classic Amazonian makeup made of Chinese filled rice. Linkin' Park are a nu metal band, but they can't add more Brutons to their song, simply because they can't (incompetance these days...tsk). (Note: Do not fall into the trap of thinking that Nu-Metal is actually metal. It is really just music played by people who want to wear holloween masks all year and/or enjoy singing of angst childhood troubles that they never quite managed to get over)
