Metal Wars

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Metal wars was a epic age during the early 1980s. Hailed as one of the most costly wars of the day, it consumed the lifes of many suburban teens and San Fran junkies.

The entire war started after flaming homosexual Dave Mustaine was abruptly kicked out of Metallica, led by his gay lover James Hetfeild. The unanimous dejection by James angered Dave so much that he decided to make it his life mission to create a band so super-awesome-cool that it would make Hetfeild so jealous that he would break down and make horrible blues-metal. James did break down, but everything Mustaine ever produced still sucked, and he could only sell albums to a fanbase of premature ejaculating middle-aged men who were tone deaf and couldn't tell the difference between music and getting screamed at by their wife.

Daves first band was called Superdave. Many of us own at least one superdave album, but it was erased to burn porn. After gathering the Witch King of Angmar, Winston Churchil, and "that dude" from Rocky 3, Dave had his first "metal" band. But though fate was against him, the Witch King decided that Superdave was holding back his true potential, and preceded to join the band Slayer, which in later years changed his name to Kerry King.

After the fallout of Superdave, Winston and "that dude" moved off and created a sound of their own, now known today as HxC.

With his band, well, Disbanded, he gave up, cried about Metallica, bought a giant stuffed teddy bear, cried about Metallica some more, then formed the band Megadeth, In that order.

During this time Metallica had released their third album, Master of Muppets, which met crackhead reviews. By this time Hetfeild and Lars Ulrich had completely forgotten about Dave Mustaine, and preceded to accidentally kill their best friend Cliff Burton in a game of quarters.

After the funeral which included long hair, denim jackets, and large quantities of marijuana, the band were in a slump. They looked high and low through the lands of Mordor for a new bassist, until they came across Jason the Newstead in the Shire. Fuzzy haired Newstead was widely accepted into the band due to his connections to Gandalf the Gay, who was a well known pimp at the time.

After jamming in a studio for about 3 hours, they gave birth to a new album which was very sad and angry about something they forgot about. They also made a video where they stood around screaming for ice cream, which was insanely cool yo.

As we return to Dave, he had just finished making another crap album no one will ever remember with Megadeth, who had recruited a Neo-Nazi David Elferman, and Jesus Look-alike Nick Menza. The trio finally kicked out their old guitarist, named "that dude", and recruited another "dude" with "mad guitar skillzzzzz. Taking nearly 3 years, they spawned a album named Rust in Piece, which they considered their first "metallica killer" album. Struck by star-dumb, Dave fervently created another album two years later, which sounded like a school girl who just got rejected by her crush.

On June 3rd, 1992, Metallica and Megadeth junkies clashed outside of Al's Auto sales, in San Diego, California. This epic battle of thrown beer bottles and coarse lyric quotes was known as the first loss by Metallica in the "Metal Wars". Metallica quickly allied with Lynrd Skynrd, Alice in Chains, and Snoop Dogg. The resulting album was a total folly on Hetfeilds part, resulting in the near defeat by Megadeth the same year, with their release of the album Yoolopalooza. Fortunately by this time people had discovered the invention of progressive metal. In the same year, Metallica cut their hair, a well known sign of retirement.

Total Cost of War: $7.36 and a chicken nugget. Casualties: Hetfields hair and Metallica's Heterosexuality.

Moral: Metal > Emo