Metalocalypse

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The Metalocalypse is a belief held by the most mighty of metal guitarists that one day the world will end with the most brutal rock metal concert ever. It is said that this rock concert will have blood, gore, all out war, Twisted Metal, and the deepest darkness that will come over man. Ew, not that, you sick freaks.

This belief is primarily held by the Cult of GWAR and their obedient, expendable Road Crew who wear black masks and like to blow up orphanages during nap time. The Cult of GWAR have preached their gospel/propaganda all over the world, and unintentionally relieving it of the "not that chosen ones". The ones that will be chosen will bring forth the darkest metal, AND EVERYBODY DIES. Except for me.

In case you have no idea what was just stated, this is basically a show written by eight-year-olds Brendon Small, Jason Penopolis, and Melissa Robbins of Jesus-Zilla, Son of Godzilla fame.

Metalocalypse is not only a prophecy, but also the most metal yaoi ever produced. Each male on the show is bumming or being bummed by another male. Except for Murderface, because he is not kawaiiii!! enough. The show is distinct in the annals of yaoi because it is more subtle than that which has traditionally cum before. (Such as Sensitive Pornograph or Boku no Sexual Harassment.) Despite incontrovertible evidence, many remain unaware that Metalocalypse is, in fact, yaoi.

Evidence of Yaoi[edit]

There is overwhelming evidence that Metalocalypse is full of men having it off. Each week the audience is treated to the "Deththeme" with its suggestive lyrics.

"Skwisgaar... taller than a tree." Tree -> wood -> phallus -> gaaaay.

"Toki... "not" a bumblebee." Bumblebee -> Dumbledore (via old Germanic) -> gaaaay. The "not" is obviously an attempt at reverse psychology. Do not be fooled!

"...Murderface, Murderface, Murderface." The repetition and "face" imagery can only be a reference to the many men it takes to properly accomplish bukkake. Gaaaay!

"Pickles... doodly-doo." Doodling -> intercourse -> he lives with a bunch of guys -> gaaaay!

"Nathan Explosiooon." Explosion -> ejaculation. Due to its lyrical proximity to allusions to bukkake and boys' lovin', this is very gaaay.


It is widely suspected that Dethklok's manager, Charles Foster Ofdensen, is in fact Claude "K-San" Winchester, former manager of Bad Luck of Gravitation, except with a haircut and a red tie instead of a blue one. Their similar manner of conducting business cannot be discounted. Why this man keeps managing bands full of homosexuals is not known.

While the band must sometimes pry themselves apart to perform for their legions of fans and earn money to buy more lube, when they are not onstage they are often found in a sexy heap on their picnic table or in their hot tub.

Prophets?![edit]

Currently the members of Dethklok are the true prophets of this Metalocalypse. If you see anybody else who claims to be a prophet of the Metalocalypse, you have the right to shoot him. You know, cause that guy is either a Hippie or Emo. And we all know that both types of people deserve to be shot.

"http://card.mygamercard.net/DethMurmaider.png" not a prophet but a noob

Most active soothsayers touting the existence of the Metalocalypse[edit]

William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface Murdering some face.
  • Those Two Scandinavian Mothatruckers Skwisgaar and Stanley "Toki" Williamstooth (their real identities were changed to protect the innocent) primarily preach their message through frets of burnination. They also are legally endowed to slay trolls and depress hippies with it. It seems these two have the most gay interaction between all of them, even showing Toki giving others a 'really cool blowjob'.
  • William "Gimme Some Cotton-Candy" Murderface. Murderface was once a serial killer. Now he serially kills himself to please his fans. His dripping blood represents the ever-clich├ęd stream of blood brought on by the slain bodies of the Metalocalypse and sometimes Menstruation.
  • Nathan Explosion Nathan Explosion, the head of the Cult of Dethklok, uses his empowering voice to "motivate and mutilate". In order to achieve lyricist nirvana he drinks around 100 bottles of pure alcohol a day, accompanied with crushed glass and nails.
  • Pickles Once a hobo clown for a sideshow act "Snakes 'n' Barrels", turned rock and roll hypnotists who tortures fans nightly into listening to him play guitar and sing. All in all, he's a pretty good guy except for the whole 'I'm a bit crazy, but really I don't give a damn of anyone but myself. So fuck off' sort of thing.
  • Road Crew. Where do you think they get all these guys from? I mean, seriously. They've got feelings too. No wonder you see them sleeping in puddles of bloods everyday.
  • Dr. Rockzo A clown full of cocaine. I was afraid of that. He is so crazy that he made Dick Cheney look like Binky the Clown.Has a motto of "im Dr.Rockzo, i do cocaine" (note this is said in a really high voice)

Natural Predators[edit]

THE TRIBUNAL[edit]

A branch of Dethklok's rival cult of Westboro Baptist Church called the Tribunal was employed to monitor them and their killing sprees. Led by a mentally-ill Evangelical Priest self-proclaimed as the Reverend Selatcia and his two sidekicks General Specific and Cardinal Bluejay, the Tribunal will do anything to stop Dethklok from making progress. Mostly they just sit around and do nothing all day, thus they've also been regarded as Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Occassionally they go outside and get some exercise but besides that they just wait. And wait. Lord knows what hygiene problems they have.

Miscellaneous Predators[edit]

In addition to the tribunal, Dethklok must do their best to avoid the regular jackoffs that are the bane of their existence. Though typically harmless, a few step over the boundaries of whats acceptable for anyone desperate enough to sign a pain waiver and are subsequently fed to the wolves (unless they're MILFs, GMILFs, or soon-to-be MILFS, then they're fed to Skwisgaar.) Also Dethklok is constantly bothered by hordes of Douchebags.

Dethklok's also reported some problems with a Rock-N-Roll Clown who does a lot of cocaine [1]. Seriously dude - a LOT of cocaine.

Attempts to Further the Understanding of the Metalocalypse[edit]

Sea World Danzig - December 17, 2006[edit]

Dethklok recently went to this big-ass aquarium at Sea World Danzig. They preached their gospel to the little fishies in the sea and brought condemnation in the form of canned Tuna. The concert was inexplicably crashed by those bastards at the Hazardous Environmental Combat Unit, being tipped that there was some kind of extremist Furon movement that goes against the Reverend Selatcia's religion. Dethklok was escorted out of the building only to be confronted by highly trained Black OPS pretties who seduced them to sleep with the power of pr0n.

The two Scandinavian dudes (their names were changed to protect the innocent) Skwwisgar and "Tookie" escaped the scene, only to be confronted by a professionally-trained child molester. This child molester was later supposedly brought to the great big justice in the sky by the Metal Acolyte Charles Ofdenfsen, through a Quentin Tarantino-esque showdown not safe for kids. Dethklok is NOT a fan of douchebags.

During the molestation war broke out between the "chosen" of the Metalocalypse and those pretty Black OPS lebsians. Many incidents of rape occurred, but mostly everybody walked away from this impromptu battle a little wiser and more educated in sex. General Specific and Cardinal Bluejay were all WTF at this. As punishment for not succeeding in this crusade, the Reverend Selatcia condemned his sidekicks as fags and that they are not worthy of the lourde's sight. It was last reported that the lourde cursed General Specific with a sleeping-pill overdose and Cardinal Bluejay with internal combustion.

Since then, Dethklok has vowed to invite the government into their concerts, except for Dubya, to avoid long and garbled speeches and mannerisms before the start of all their concerts.

Documentary[edit]

Videos of the Tribunal meetings and hidden surveillance at the Mordhaus HQ collected until December 17, 2006 were unexpectedly dug up on various file-sharing programs and given to Hayao Miyazaki to work on in his one-bathroom apartment. The result was a SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME twenty episode documentary-anime hybrid chronicling the lives of Dethklok's radical teachings to the unconverted, filled with high-quality death scenes and smooth animation. The show has been nominated for Nothing due to its excessively shocking use of shock value and frequent mentioning of Dildos. It can be seen inside your neighborhood pool at night, at around 12:15 AM following the ritual of die-hard Metalocalypse fans holding midnight broadcasting producers at gunpoint. Note that this belief is extremely addictive. We really mean it.