Metroid
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Metroid is one of the many franchises to be put out by Nintendo. It involves some random bounty-hunter-space-pirate-killing-galactic-federation-helping-metroid-hunting woman named Samus Aran. Riiiiight.
| Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Samus is a girl. ...So, if you don't want to find out that Samus is a girl, which she is, don't read it. ...Because Samus is a girl |
[edit] The games
Metroid is an international video game sensation that immerses gamers in a hyper-realistic world of jumping, shooting, and jumping which is in no way similar to any other slew of games involving jumping and shooting. For instance, the Metroid series (of which there are nearly a score of chronologically-ordered games, books and audio-cassettes) has been widely acclaimed for letting gamers roll into a ball, thereby getting to live out their latent fantasies of being a hedgehog. It is also known for it's shooting from the arm-gun feature, not to mention the ability to charge up blasts, which certainly doesn't resemble any other video game characters.
The main character, Samus, is an out-of-control bounty hunter. He is very swift and is able to fire a gun cause he's been in like a billion games. He has a ship which he uses to fly around the world. He is-what?...GOOD LORD HE'S A WOMAN??!
Recently, the series has abandoned the rolling, jumping and shooting approach to gaming and gone decisively into hardcore sex, raising concern and ire from various US political concerns without much else better to do. In The Upcoming Game Super Smash Bong Brawl, she will participate in a mass orgy along with other characters from Nintendo and Solid Snake. Exact details haven't been given, but the orgy will be shown in December 3.
Some Game made a vile copy of this, with more gore
[edit] The Sexy Secret of Metroid
Sensational international video game developer Nintendo raised some eyebrows (not to mention dropped some monocles from the more well-heeled amongst the international video-game community), when it included a crude scene of the star of the first Metroid title, Samus, doffing her armor and getting hot wax dripped on her by a lecherous metroid as a reward to the gamer for finishing the game in under ten seconds.
Titillated by both the 8-bit rendition of run-of-the-mill sexual sadism and the revelation that the ass-kicking, shooting/jumping hero they had been shooting with and rolling into balls as was, in reality, a woman (albeit an 8-bit woman) gamers everywhere developed an obsessive and irrational love for Metroid. Nintendo, famous for listening to input from fans, quickly rushed out Virtual Boy into mass production, touting its "futuristic three-dimensional gameplay." Sadly, Virtual Boy did not include a Metroid title, and the platform was doomed from the get-go.
When a Metroid title failed to appear on the wildly popular Super Nintendo 32X CD Master System, Metroid fanboys attacked the headquarters of Nintendo America with their homemade light-sabers until escorted away by security.
These sexually-challenged trolls hoped, erroneously, that future games would include further five-second clips of a heavily pixelated woman being abused by a space-jellyfish-thing, but would be disappointed until Nintendo's 2004 exclusive Gamecube release, Gang Bang in the Metroid Lane, which was widely criticized as containing nothing but sticky, hardcore sex, and not so much the shooting, jumping and ball-rolling action that had previously defined the series.
[edit] Parents' Groups, Hillary Clinton and "Joltin' Joe" Lieberman React and Save the Childrens
With the controversial 2004 release of Gang Bang, Washington finally took notice of what dateless losers across the world had known for 20 years: there was a woman under the armor, and she was a woman who needed at least three men at the same time to help her through "hard times."
Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman (Conn.), after playing the game for a week straight in his closed chambers, emerged looking rumpled, a bit sweaty and definitely shaken. Said Lieberman:
Truly, if this game is purchased by children, children will be treated to some of the roughest, stickiest, hardest digital sex commercially available, making such virtual sex standards as Virtual Vixen and Sexy Beach 2 look like Peek-a-boo Poker. This cannot happen, and I look forward to examining more Metroid titles in the future, so I can think of some good legislation to pass. For the childrens.
Parents groups, such as MAVVGASSIVGTNNBSG (Mothers Against Violent Video Games and Sexual Situations in Video Games Though Not Necessarily Both in the Same Game), when questioned about the possible negative effects of raw human sexuality epitomized by the latest entry in the Metroid series, started shrieking incoherently and banging on iron pots with wooden spoons to get their point across, though what their point was is unclear at this moment.
