Mexican Revolution

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Once upon a time,
in a country far, far away...

Porfirio Díaz sat on the throne of Mexican
Empire II
presidential chair of Mexico for countless
years without opposition. The Federal Army was more
powerful than ever. Peasants and farmers were pissed off since
they were not called to vote in first place but dead people did get to vote.
So people organised a bukkake for Díaz, led by Francisco I. Madero, and the
dictator was expelled. Now you may think "Democracy wins again, yay!", right? Wrong...

“It was perfect, a 360° one”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mexican Revolution

Madero's mysterious death[edit]

Victoriano Huerta, Supreme Imperial Kaiserstag-Fürher of Mexico. His freinds called him Stinky.
Before the revolution the Mexican federal army was one of the most child friendly environments in the world!!
A recruitment poster of Mauro calling for Mexican peasants to join his Revolution. Mauro holds his gun and wears a sombrero symbolizing the Mexican way of life.

See, Victoriano Huerta was commander-in-chef of the Federal Army, and in 1913 Madero had a crash in his newfangled Ford Pinto. Huerta took over presidency later. Carranza, Villa, Zapata and Obregón fought against him, USA invaded Veracruz and Huerta got his arse kicked. This propeled Der Aztek Großssdeütchesreich on a horrible downward spiral that would plauge it for another 80+ years.

Villa Takes On[edit]

After Madero's mysterious assasination, the American Empire placed Grand Moff Huerta as the supreme governor. Mexicans, tired of driving Ford vehicles and wearing Hollister clothes, decided to rise against American imposition. Villa, who was a strong U.S. supporter set on to crash this rebellion. With the help of Mauro and his Mexas(the armed branch of Taco Cabana's corporation), Villa kicked the ass of every single rebel. When he saw everything was in order he disliked and decided to kick Huerta's ass as well. The ensuing confrontations would come to be called the Pink-cheese-cool-arrows wars (pinches culeros is the morphed short Spanish term) due to the abundant presence of cool Indians who would fight with arrows and turn the matter of fallen enemies into pink cheese. Villa liked this and decided to make it into a movie. With movie revenues, Villa bought the Mexican presidency and a new sombrero. He lived with his 23 wives happily ever after until he died in hands of treacherous American neo-conservatives.

Long story short[edit]

Carranza became president in 1917. He wrote the new constitution that promised a themepark with blackjack and hookers... in fact, forget about the themepark. 3 years later Carranza is assassinated and Obregón takes his place, establishing a Soviet Socialist regime. In 1920, when he was about getting reelected, a Cthulhu cultist killed him.

Calles regime[edit]

Calles established the Partido Nacional Revolucionario (National Revolutionary Party, for the Spanish impaired) which would later become R.I.P. (Revolutionary Institutional Party) with the intention of unifying revolutionary movements (as IF!). Well, that oxymoronic, poor excuse for a party reigned for over 70 years. Top that, Republicans!

Cárdenas pwns Calles[edit]

Several presidents followed Calles but, as he remained the commander-in-chef they were basically sock puppets. Cárdenas pwned him, deported him to USA, expropriated petroleum and helped inventing jalapeño cheese.