Miami

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“Anyone around here speak any English?”

~ Some random tourist lost in Calle Ocho on Miami

“¿Qué?”

~ Anyone on Calle Ocho on the random tourist
Skyline of Miami

Miami is a major city in Northern Cuba, in the US of A. It is known for it's crack dealers, crack, crack users, crack whores,heroin, and Horatio Caine. It is also known for it's filthy sluts and whores, that populate much of the city's nightclub houses. Miami is known as "The city of sluts"

The city seems to enjoy lots of Hurricanes. Like, the people there actually seem to enjoy them. In 2004, Miami was not attacked by a single hurricane. Four hurricanes hit the state of Florida that year, but residents of Miami could only sit petulantly as the panhandle got a hurricane, the Tampa Bay area got a hurricane, and the Palm Beach area got two hurricanes. Justifiably, the folks at Miami were right pissed off at God. Miami strectches for miles and miles along the coast of Florida, and there will always be a view of repetitve housing and condos (which are half empty) but they continue to build more, go figure.

Miami, or ASERE-LAND (like now is known) is primarily known for not being Orlando, or for being the Backyard of the country. Miami official Language is Cuban, although Spanish is also spoken but to a lesser degree. Also, it is important to note that South Beach is in the Eastern part of Miami, not in the South.

Miami main free-time activities are: looking at the beach front from your balcony the whole freaking day but not actually going to the beach, trashing about how much you hate this country but won't return to Cuba, sporting yellow teeth, and denying that you are black due to the fact that all Cubans are Spaniard despite of your skin's color.

Miami is also home to such teams as the Wins Against Every Team Except Baltimores in the Playoffs (formerly the Only Wins Against Baltimores) (NFL), the [Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players (Baseball), and the Orland Magics, though there are unconfirmed rumors that there is also a team in Miami called "The Heat" but no one believes it. There are also talks that they will retire Don Johnson's number (the guy from Miami Vice) (NBA).

Famous Locals[edit]

Such famous locals to come out of Miami include Shaquille O'Neal, Tiger Woods, G-Dep, Carmen Electra, Elektra, Daredevil, the 50 Foot Woman, and the city's local mayor, Lance Vance, and abour anyone who's famous in Cuba, including Fidel Castro, his dog, and his nana.

Politics[edit]

Miami's mayor is Some Cuban, whose name no one realy remembers but rythms with Yuliesky and it is run by Other Cuban. The city was also featured in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, only it wasn't Miami, it was San Andreas.

Police[edit]

All you have to do, to become a policeman is to be born to Cuban Parents.

Crime[edit]

If you cause trouble, like harassing locals, you will get One Star above your head and the police will chase after you for like, a minute or two. If you cause more trouble, like kill someone, you will get Two Stars. The police will not stop chasing you unless you spray paint your car or something. If you keep causing trouble (like killing people or blowing shit up) your stars will eventually keep rising. At Three Stars, police choppers will chase you and make bad comments regarding your wardrobe. At Four Stars, the FBI chase you because they don't have anything else better to do. At Five Stars, they send Robocop after you! And at Six Stars, the Army chases you, although it's only the Canadian Army. Eventually, they may shoot you and you may end up WASTED, which is a Game Over.

Miami is also full of dangerous hookers and prostitutes, who pack concealed firearms in their cleavage, and actually try to shoot you just because you want to punch them in the face or smack them around or abuse them a little or something.

Neighborhoods[edit]

Such MiAMi neighborhoods include:

  • Little Havana: smells like baby chonga and old people.
  • Coral Gables: lol, riiiiiicccchhh people $$$
  • Doral: lol, the wanna-be rich people. They're all rude ass Venezuelans.
  • Little Haiti: heyheyhey! black people! LOLZ
  • Hialeah: SOSOSOSOSO cuban.
  • Kendall: traffic traffic traffic.
  • Dolphin Mall: where all of the chongas go to repopulate the city
  • South Beach: nudity, drugs, liquor, nudity, a beach...i think, nudity and some more drugs.
  • Westchester: Everybody has or does fucking live here.
  • Downtown: Full of potheads, homeless, and rich kids. And ofcourse, the baby chongas

Sports[edit]

  • Wins Against Every Team Except Baltimores in the Playoffs - NFL Team - Current record is can't win the games that matter.
  • Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players, 90% of the time, all the time - Baseball Team - Current record is 50-50.
  • Orlando Magics - NBA Team Current record is: 60 times better than ""The Heat".
  • Who are they again? - NHL Team - The team no one ever remembers.
  • The Miami Hurricanes. 10 % of our taxes.

Fame[edit]

See, Scarface. In the past, if Miami was famous for anything it was that it was ambiguously famous. Up until the not too distant past Miami was the point of reference so that avid TV goers from the 80's may imbed upon their collecive nastalgia a shirtless Don Johnson while iderating the mantra "man I got to get to Miami." Other, more recent additions to the 'misillusioned-Miami-memorialists' have been those always eager perform bad boy images in front of the mirror at home, when their parents are away, at the age of 30, having found their own fantasy Mecca ( and having never to have made the pilgramige) in the most southern outreach in the US. Tony Montana, (see above) would be the next addition in the small TV pantheon to really put Miami on the map of stars. But more recent discoveries may have unearthed a Miami with a modern history contiguous with adjoining events and circumstance that could make the decaying orange grove of South Florida upon a pedistal of overdue reverence. Within the last year or so archelogical digs ( funded through both federal and local government..mmm..organizations) just outside and completley surrounding the Seminole Indian Reservation Annex (otherwise known as the Hardrock Hotel and Casino) have revealed findings that more than suggest the in all likelyhood that contemporay Seminole people of the area are, in fact, not of the same genetic background as the original inheritors of the very graciously given prime government property, some time ago. Indeed, after a battery of careful forensic scrutiny given to a an array of physical evidence - discarded plastic cups and interior spray painted paper bags, finger print lifts and hair samples from 'void-by-fault-of-casino-owner' contracts - some very important truths have come to light revealing more than, what should be obvious by now, the awful reality that imposters have usurped and sacreligiously corrupted what was once pristine and humble, yes, very very humble, reservation land. The current band of what appears to be nothing more than usurpic dopplegangers, as the strongest evidence has come to suggest, are, we are assured, in possession of certain government files that may hold vital information with regards to Modern allure that Miami may hold. Copies of these files, it has been disclosed, do exist in pentagon archives. Those copies, however, not being a complete set draw to a not conclusion with final brief heading of "Burn notice". After 3rd glance inquiries it turns out that rumors almost abound about the origin and nature of end brief 'Burn Notice'. By some accounts, retrieved from conspiracy theory driven datum, there was a certain innitiative taken in the 1970's taken by Soviet-Cubano security organizations known as " Mir-Borsch-vidanya, in the cubano, "notificacion inferno" OR "Burn Notice". The details of the innitiative, to no surprise, have been kept mostly behind the iron tobacco leaf curtain. What little information and infernce taken from the brief heading, itself, that has been retrieved within the context of an encyclpedic awareness of Soviet-Cubano relations, has led government investigators to the strong possibility that Project Burn Notice was, and perhaps is, an innitiative for the employment of subliminal psychdelic agents for a demoralizing propaganda campaign highlighting the innevitable demise American white culture in South Florida, while at the same time flaunting the evergrowing dominance of the culture of the former. There is, clearly, strong evidence to show both circumstances to be the case. Another theory suggests a less clandestine innitiative born of desperate brainstorming of networks teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. The information retrieved about these networks, as well as what involvement one or more of them have had with this particular network innitiative, has shown to provide an easier to find bread crumb trail. The innitative "Burn Notice", itself, as more physical evidence, has proven to be much more elusive. Moreover, the connection between media network involvement and the innitiative, itself, leads to particularly strange conclusions. Indeed, By what information has been retrieved, 'Burn Notice', it is possible, was, and perhaps still is, a direct media network attempt at introducing what is called the "Spy Narrative" into public domain, ostensibly due to increasing demand for spy explanations for, and spy takes on what they do and why...which would be fuckin stupid. For reasons of greater plausability and contradictory relations, the first theory seems to be all the more likely. But of far greater importance these investigations and the subsequent awareness brought to bare by them, gives even greater credibility to the...assertion...that the once revered, and very very domesticated, Seminole peoples have been taken over by what can be described as greedy, non tax paying devils who's undying mission, in conspiracy with others, would be to undermine an American value system that was born of some form of piety, and clear haste.

Local Heroes[edit]

No heroes. Plenty of heroin, though.

Media Coverage[edit]

Miami will host the 2010 Olympics. London just doesn't know it yet.


Telemundo is a major TV channel used by the most CUBANEST CUBANS, aslo known as Lo' CUBANAZO !!!!!! to especulate about Fidel Castros' Dead, talk about cuban Shyt no one cares about, and Air The most ridiculously cubanest TV prorangrans National wide.