Miami Dolphins

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Miami Dolphin logo, featuring the Slack Jawed Fish.

The Miami Dolphins are an NFL football team, who play in the AFC East. They were formed in Hollywood in 1966, by Jim Carrey, as the comedy element in his hit film “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. Carrey and his partner, Flipper the Dolphin, had been thrown out of the city of Miami the previous year, after an incident involving Don Johnson, and decided to take revenge. He felt the idea of such a ridiculous named team would also enhance the comedic element of the film. In a further insult to the city, the team’s uniforms were designed by Serge from the Beverly Hills Cop series. As a result of these insults, Miami citizens refuse to go to the games, even during the playoffs, and games are regularly blacked out.


History of the Dolphins[edit]

1966-1979[edit]

The Dolphins began play in the AFL, then joined the NFL after Joe Namath brought the NFL to its knees at gunpoint in Super Bowl III. After not doing much for many years, Flipper finally decided enough was enough, and sold his soul to the Devil. In return, Satan sent him a minor demon named Don Shula.

Don Shula leaving Hell to join the Miami Dolphins.

This demonic dealing would come back to haunt the team. As a result the team fluked their way to a win in Super Bowl VII, with the so-called “Perfect Season” However, this was struck from the record books as they only played 14 regular season games. The Dolphins’ win in Super Bowl VIII also disappeared from the record books as it was merely over the Minnesota Vikings, not a proper team.

At this point a power struggle occurred between the two co-owners, Snowflake (who inherited the team from Jim Carrey) and Flipper. This went on for many years, and was only resolved when Flipper went bankrupt after ploughing all his savings into a film with Paul Hogan. Snowflake then proceeded to sell the club to Wayne Huizenga in order to take out a contract on Jim Carrey’s life, for dropping him from the sequel to Ace Ventura. Huizenga has since spent most of his time flying his helicopter round Donegal, in Ireland. The Dolphins then meandered through the rest of the 70’s occasionally making the playoffs, and still failing to sell any tickets to home fans.

1980's[edit]

In the strike shortened 1982 season, the Dolphins fell foul to a nefarious plot by the noted criminal organisation, the New England Patriots. The night before the game, the Patriots dumped 3 feet of fake snow on the field, totally flummoxing the Dolphins. Towards the end of the game, one of the criminals was sprung from jail in order to drive a snow plow onto the field, in order to clear a path for the winning field goal to be kicked. The Dolphins would get revenge in the playoffs, and the snow plow driver’s body was never found. The day before the AFC Championship game Shula summoned a sludge demon to destroy the field. The following day, the New York Jets had no answer to the powers of darkness and lost 14-0. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, Super Bowl XVII was held on consecrated ground and they lost to the Washington Redskins.

1983 brought the arrival of Danielle Marino , a transvestite quarterback. Marino led her team to the playoffs but fell to the Seattle Seahawks. The following year, the Dolphins, strengthened by Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs, made it to Super Bowl XIX but lost to the San Francisco 49ers, in the Ray Finkle game. This was the first inkling that the forces of all things good and holy were in the ascendancy. The following year Miami becasme the only team to beat the Chicago Bears in the regular season, but in the playoffs, the fell foul of the Patriots again. The rest of the 80’s brought mediocrity, and a move to a new stadium (which by this point only attracted away fans)


1990's[edit]

The 1990’s brought new hope, but the Dolphins lost in the playoffs 2 years out of 3 to the Buffalo Bills. By this point, the secret was out, the powers of Hell were fading, and Don Shula was being followed to every game by a team of exorcists. Danielle Marino was almost murdered by Ray Finkle, by now masquerading as a woman, in an argument over which made better fake breasts. In 1995, Shula was finally cast back down into the pits of Hell, but the Dolphins still lost to the Bills in the playoffs.HA HA-i mean, unfortunately.

Shula finally being dispatched from the mortal realm.

Jimmy Johnson, a man who had been scalped after being shot by gun nut Barry Switzer and had his hair replaced by a lifesize mold of Ken from Barbie’s hair, then took over. Again a lack of success followed, culminating in 1999 with the second greatest game in NFL history, a 62-7 defeat to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Johnson quit, and Marino then retired, without any Superbowl rings. Marino then went on a quest to follow Shula to the pits of Hell, where she found the horrific truth behind his lack of rings. After all, Satan is a Jets fan.

2000's[edit]

Transition time again, this time the man with plastic hair gave way to the man with a plastic head. Dave Wannstedt, a name that can still get you put in jail in Chicago, became the new head coach. Wanny as everyone called him, was an immediate success, making the playoffs twice and generally fooling people into thinking he knew what he was doing. Then the real Wannstedt came out. Early in 2002, word of the new Grand Theft Auto: Vice City game came out, and Wanny was in awe. Wanting to make an impression, he decided to try and help the drug gangs of Miami, so traded for Ricky Williams. A truly awe-inspiring choke against the Patriots followed, allowing the Herman edwards-led Jets to win the division. The following season was pretty much identical. 2004 was on its way.


2004 brought a big name signing, David Boston, who promptly got injured and was found to have taken more steroids than BALCO could produce in 5 years. Ricky Williams decided to follow his supplier, who’d found Buddha and moved to Nepal. Wannstedt cried, then after a 1-8 start, quit, to be replaced by a plush toy.

Huizenga, having given up on humanity, was able to convince the half man, half dolphin Nick Saban to take a break from producing episodes of the Power Rangers to take over, and used the Megazord to convice Williams to return.

Saban proved to be a Fish out of water.

However, the lure of ganja was too much, and Williams was suspended under the NFL Substance Abuse program. Saban then had a mental breakdown, thought he was Phil Collins and announced his split over the phone. The Dolphins have now gone to a new plush toy to take over the team. There have been calls to move the team to Baghdad, as they would sell more tickets there.

The Dolphins are by far the worst team in the History of the NFL. Their 0-13 start to the 2007 season has traumatised them so much the citizens of Miami have launched a petition to evict them.

Team Colors/Uniform[edit]

Serge wanted something flamboyant, yet in touch with femininity, so he designed something in teal and orange, with white. The logo is one of the most non-threatening in the league, even less macho than Bruce, the former Buccaneers logo. There has been talk with making it more aggressive, as other teams have done with their logos, but the general consensus is there is not much to be done with it. The Dolphins tend to wear their white jerseys at home, with the teal on the road, and an orange jersey and PVC miniskirt for Mardi Gras.

Role in Physics Classrooms[edit]

The Miami Dolphins are a bunch of geniuses. In fact, for every football game they lose, students in most physics classes across the country receive ten extra credit points on their next test for each game lost. Though not official, it is evident they endorse this, because everyone knows their endless talent couldn't possibly result in so many losses unless they were losing on purpose! Many a college student owes their matriculation to the Dolphins as they could not have passed Physics C without the Dolphins' losing streaks.

Stadium[edit]

The Dolphins locker room. No wonder they suck! They can't focus on games! They focus on stuff like this!

The Dolphins original home was the Orange Bowl Stadium. They now play at Dolphin Stadium, which has had 24 different names, all in vain attempts to fool the populace of Miami that the Dolphins don’t actually play there. Average attendance is 2,000, except when the New York Jets are in town.

Stadium names[edit]

Orange Bowl

Joe Robbie Stadium

Plough Lane

Century Homes Park

Pro Player Park

ProPlus Pro Pro Player Park

This is Not The Miami Dolphin Stadium

Anfield

Maine Road

Jet Stadium

West Side Stadium

Dolphin Stadium

Lambeau Field

Players of Note[edit]

Danielle Marino

As you can see the Dolphins made the right choice

Ray Finkle

Ricky Williams

Tommy Vercetti

Sonny Crockett

Rico Tubbs

Haruhi Suzuyima*

  • Drafted in 2020


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