Michael Barrymore's Guide to Pool Parties

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Early advertising of the book

Michael Barrymore's Guide To Pool Parties, commonly entitled How Can He Get Away With This Shit?, is a 2010 book by Michael Barrymore, with an introduction by your mum. It is the worst selling book ever, and copies of the book have been known to randomly drown during pool parties without anyone even touching them or remembering a thing (apparently).


The history of the book is pretty simple: Michael Barrymore's agent, who was also the lawyer and detective on the murder case Michael was involved in, asked Michael's cat if he'd like to write a book about living with Michael Barrymore. The cat declined so the agent/lawyer/detective/Jim Carrey look alike asked Michael, to which he replied the infamous words, "One more stab, my friend, and the Russians won't know where to look for us." These Russians are in question.

The Russians In Question[edit]

Speculation suggests that these Russians in question are actually mythical, and are, indeed, lepers. However, substantial evidence has been found (namely amateur footage from a inbred farmer) that clearly shows nothing but a blur that, if you squint, could be anything you want it to be. This proves, indefinitely, unless Abraham Lincoln says it's not true, that lepers and small Irish men do exist. Oh, and so do the Russians in question.[1]


For 9 chapters of the 36, Michael talks about living at home with his dead girlfriend, her two dead sisters and a dead man floating in a pool outside. He has described it as a “"happy life"” which he thinks could make him “"serious cash if posted onto YouTube"”. Reporters claim that these symbols “"£££"” then appeared in his eyes.

For the rest of the book, Michael pleads his innocence and claims that “"the man fell into the pool, obviously. Why would I want to drown my lover like that? I mean, friend...yes, friend.”" He then complains about the death threats he receives, mainly from his mum.

Towards the end of the book (after 34 pictures of Michael wearing ridiculous clothes, and in sexually perverse poses with his girlfriend), he compiles the tips for a great pool party. See underneath.

Tips For a Great Pool Party[edit]

Isn't this what you want?

These are all quoted from Michael's book, written exactly.

  1. Get a pool.
  2. Invite some people around (or just use ur imaginasion, man!)
  3. Get some mofo’ing beer in!
  4. Get sooooooo pissed u dunno where u are.
  5. Do sum party trickies, innit.
  6. Accidentally, or unknowingly, drown sum1 in Ur pool.
  7. Deny it!
  8. Take your pants off!

The Mention of Underwater Tennis[edit]

Main article: Underwater tennis

In the book, there are mentions of the brilliant Anti-Semitic game (which was designed for Jews by Martians 568 million years ago) Underwater Tennis (or known as Undernnis, or Jacko 5). Michael chronologically orders the timeline of these events, as he, himself (and no other), is the Sole Protector of the Coalition of Ordered Governments For the Portection[2] of Undernnis. He does this job with five other people (laughs).


Although it was voted to be the worst book in the Universe ever by evil space Martians, the book was well received here on Earth. Here are some quotes by numerous readers of the book:

“This is the best book ever – I’m totally gonna get a party going on now!”

“I think it’s really good (that my son wrote this book).”

“Everyone should get a copy of this book! Really! It’s inspired me!”

“There’s no discrimination, there’s no racism, and there’s no favouritism – what the hell am I supposed to complain about then?!”

~ Frankie Boyle (Susan Boyle’s brother)

“Best buy ever!”

~ Michael Barrymore’s agent on selling the book as a door-to-door salesman

Plans for the Future[edit]

File:Corner shop
Don't get confused...not these

The future is an indefinite amount of time away, that no one, human or otherwise, can plan for due to unforeseen events that may hinder plans you have planned or conceived in your brain. It is possible to plan your future if you own a TARDIS or any other make or model of time machine. However, ninjas from the future cannot tell you plans from your future, or they will explode in a blue flame and just leave a dusty trail of cement to the nearest corner shop. [3]


  1. For more information on the Russians in question, see the page Russians in Question. I made it myself...you might like it.
  2. Portection is deliberately spelt wrong because the Founding Fathers were all, as is the case with all important documents and organisations, pissed out of their faces. One quote from the meeting was “I’m gonna get inside your face.”
  3. Not the band though…they suck.

Further Reading[edit]

If you’d like to know more about Michael Barrymore, or his murders, the Internet can tell you a lot of shit. Also, tabloid newspapers also make up tremendous amounts of crap. These are good places to start. You could, however, visit Michael Barrymore’s official website: www.michaelbarrymoreisnotinnocentbutmightnotbeguiltybutirememberkillingthatmanhedrownedgoodloveyoumumbuymybook.com

Also, the book “Knowing Michael Barrymore: The Killer’s Instinct” by Michael Barrymore’s mum is available from all good book stores and online. Not that I’m advertising it. But it “is” a good read. And for £27 you can’t go wrong. Not advertising.