“Yes we... could, possibly, if the need arises”
“Wait, where are all the mirrors?”
“So let me get this straight... the next election in Canada is going to be fought between Hitler, Lenin, and Count Dracula? Dude, Canadian politics rock!”
“Canadian politics sucks...”
Count Mikhail Pavel Vladimir Boris Yuri Dmitri Notacommiovitch Ignatieff III known to the common man asMichael, his loyal followers as Iggy and his
secret lover Bob Rae as Mikey, was born on a stormy winter's night in 1867 on his family's estate in Transylvanigrad, Russian Empire. Count Ignatieff is the Russian Soviet Canadian British Americans Canadian (Seriously!) (Actually a secret American, but SHHH!) leader of Liberal Party of Canada, and future Prime Minister of Canada. He is also not a vampire... even if he hates sunlight. And fears crosses. And hisses at the sight of holy water. And feasts on the blood of the living to survive. That just makes him your typical Liberal.
The whole turns into a bat thing though... yeah, dude's a vampire.
Born to a wealthy family of nobles in Imperial Russia (The part which shamelessly ripped off Transylvania for tourism purposes), Michael Ignatieff was destined for great things. He possessed at all the traits needed to become an excellent count: intelligence, ruthlessnesses, ambition, disregard for those he crushed on his ascent, and the ability to drive fear into the hearts of men with a single glare (though, it is believed that this ability stemmed from the family of starving Ukranians who lived in his eyebrows rather than from any actual skill of his own). However, this was not to be, as before Michael could claim his family's title, the damned Russian Commies came and took his land, wealth, and even his peasants! The final battle between Ignatieff's grandfather, Pavel "Dracul" Ignatieff, and the famous vampire hunters Simon Belmont and Leon Trotsky has become something of a legend among modern-day vampire hunters, and so will not be recounted here.
And so Michael's father, George (often teased by his fellows due to the fact that he was a vampire named George for Christ's Sake! GEORGE!) took his family of spawn across the sea to the one nation which would accept them. A land of opportunity, of equality and freedom, of hope and change. Unfortunately, he got on the wrong boat and they ended up with a bunch of Ukranians in Canada.
Michael studied hard the ways of these strange savages for several decades, and soon discovered a sort of kinship for these unwashed, hockey-loving beer-swilling, America-hating oafs. And so he decided that though denied rulership of Transylvaniagrad, he, Michael Ignatieff, would one day become supreme ruler of ALL CANADA!
To achieve this end, however, he had to follow these humans silly rules. First, the count went off to school, using his fortune, genious, and vampiric powers to make his way into the University of Toronto. He kinda missed the boat on that one. While there, however, he found that he himself fell pray to the ideals of liberalism held so true by those in higher education. Betraying his upper-class heritage, the count joined the Liberal Party of Canada and worked as a youth organizer for The Great Evil, Pierre Trudeau. Also, at college, he met the man who would become his friend, lover, and one day lieutenant in
Global Canada-wide domination: the Pinko Commie Bob Rae (apparently he forgot what commies did to his home country... unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last)
However, University would not last forever, and the Count soon graduated. However, he realized that he had no chance of taking Canada from the grasp of the insanely-popular Trudeau, and so he left Canada, seeking to build his own personal fame and power before attempting to seize his rightful throne. First attending Oxford University in England, than moving on to Harvard University in Massachusetts, he built up an impressive resume, enough so that he felt it was safe to move back to Canada and teach at the University of British Columbia Feeling the time was right, the Count poised for his ascension to leadership of the Liberal Party, and thus Canada! Then Trudeau was re-elected, the Conservative Party of Canada dumped Joe Clark as leader and replaced him with Brian Mulroney, and Ignatieff decided to get the hell out of Canada before it went to hell in a handbasket with the additional goal of perfecting his uncanny childhood skill. Ignatieff can insert and retract his foot with unparalleled speed in/out of his esophagus, while maintaining a sense of assumed gravitas and academic decorum. This skill has also positioned him well to compete at the highest level of "Canadian's assume we need Idols too", when Boob Rae accomplishes the "knife in Michael's back" contract let by Jean Cretin, former crook in chief of the Red Crew.
The following section has been brought to you by the Conservative Party of Canada Count Ignatieff spent 30 years overseas. It doesn't matter what he was doing. He was overseas. Not in Canada. Yes, he became a well-known broadcaster and journalist. Overseas. Yes, he was a renowned teacher and author. Overseas! Stephen Harper, people, don't you get it? It doesn't mater that he became the Director for the Centre for Human Rights! It was in AMERICA of all places! America!
Michael Ignatieff - Just Visiting PS: If any American takes offence with the above statement, we sincerely apologize! Sincerely! We love you guys, like seriously! We're all Bush fanboys here... hell we want to make ourselves just like you guys, big brothers! This is just... destroying our enemies and stuff like that. You know all about that, right?
Canada, Part Deux
With the incompetent Paul Martin Wexford Jr. The Third Esquire at the helm of the Liberal Party, and Canada in better shape then it had been in decades (Don't think about that too long), Count Ignatieff returned to Canada to finally seize the reigns of the Liberal Party and achieve his goal of transforming Canada into Transylmerica! As expected, Paul Martin lost the next election and resigned from his post, while Ignatieff won his own seat. However, Ignatieff didn't count on two things: the new Prime Minister of Canada Stephen Harper, a robotic Nazi created by time-travelling Republicans designed to take over Canada and remake it into America Jr, and the beautiful singing voice of Stephanie Celene Dion. Embroiled in a lover's feud with Bob Rae over the leadership of the Liberal Party, the brother of the famous singer swept up the middle, and won the leadership race. Ignatieff was stunned, confused, and depressed. He went into hiding for the next three years, contimplating his future and wondering how long he would have to wait before Dion's reign came to an end.
Did you read Dion's article or not? Did you? If you said no, do it now. NOW!
Okay, if you did read that, you wouldn't have asked such as stupid question. Dude lost. Dude crashed and burned and brought the Liberals down with him. Fuhrer Harper was VICTORIOUS!
Or was he?
Dion, in one last desperate grasp for power, combined his power crystal with those of Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe and Elizabeth May (okay, hers was more like a silver...) By their powers combined, Captain Envirolibersocialatist was born!
But the Republicans were not to be brought low so easily. Utilizing their book of spells, they manipulated the perception of the Canadian Constitution, and began to drain the powers of Captain Envirolibersocialatist. Weakened, Harper, utilizing the powers of the mystical staff of Progation he seized from the halls of the Governor General the time-travelling Republibot laid low Captain Envirolibersocialatist. Ignatieff saw his chance! Acting like the vampire he was, he latched onto the weakened Dion, and took the Leader's power for himself!
Arising from the catastrophic battle of the Coalition, Ignatieff now stands as the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, and is ready to Stand Up For Canada against the forces of Stephen Harper. The nation now stands on the brink of
war an election, one final battle between the forces of Darkness on one side, and the forces of... Darker Darkness on the other. Russian versus Albertan. American versus American wannabe! Undead versus Machine. Glosette raisin versus peanut. Nazi versus... Guy With Foreign Name! NEXT ELECTION: BE THERE!