Michael Jordan
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“He's sexy.”
“He's good at basketball.”
“Michael is just so good with the basketballz [sic]. I bet he can even jam one through a donut hole.”
“I'm back, biatch!”
~ Michael Jordan announcing his return to the NBA
“He's rich, biatch!”
~ Dave Chappelle on Michael Jordan
“That was God disguised as Michael Jordan... only black.”
~ Larry Bird on Michael Jordan setting the record for most points in a playoff game
“I still can't believe we selected that chump Sam "Glass Bones" Bowie over this guy. Fuck!”
~ Portland Trail Blazers talent scout on their dubious 1984 NBA Draft selection
“I deserve more credit.”
~ Michael "Ben" Gordon
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Michael Jeffrey Jordan (born February 17, 1963) is a retired American professional basketball player, active businessman and owner of the known universe. His biography on the National Basketball Association (NBA) website states, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time". Jordan was so popular that Steve Jobs, CEO and founder of the iNBA, performed fellatio on Jordan on more than one occasion. Studies show that Steve was frequently making "private" visits to him at the University of North Carolina... Making Steve his "Tarheel".
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[edit] Accomplishments
After a stand-out career at the University of Meat wrangling corn fielders at Chapel Hill, Jordan joined the NBA's Chicago Bulls in 1984. He quickly emerged as one of the stars of the league, entertaining crowds with his prolific scoring, and general bad-assery. His leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests (from the opposing end of the court), earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness." He also gained a reputation as one of the best "tongue taunters" in basketball. In 1991, he won his first NBA Tongue Taunting Challenge, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat." Though Jordan abruptly left the NBA at the beginning of the 1993-94 NBA season to pursue a career in baseball (hence the NBA was forced to foreclosure and sustained itself selling energy drinks for two years), he rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional Tongue Taunting Challenges (1996, 1997, and 1998) as well as an NBA-record 72 regular-season wins in the 1995–96 season. Jordan retired for a second time in 1999, but he returned for two more NBA seasons in 2001 as a member of the Washington Wizards. Jordan retired yet another time in 2001 only to return in the year 2045 as Commander Jordan of the Eurasian Air Force. Sadly, he was unable to secure any further Tongue Taunting Challenge trophies. The war had permanently damaged his organ. we think he`s the most sexiest basketball player
Jordan's other individual accolades and accomplishments include five MVP awards, ten All-NBA First Team designations, nine All-Defensive First Team honors, fourteen NBA All-Star Game appearances and three All-Star MVP, ten scoring titles, three steals titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards,1988 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, and 15-time "League's Most Bad-Assedest". He holds the NBA record for highest career regular season scoring average with 30.12 points per game, averaging a record 33.4 points per game in the playoffs and over 1,000,000(estimated) occurrences of "dunking on someone's punk ass". In 1999, he was named the greatest North American athlete of the 20th century by ESPN, and was second to Babe Ruth on the Associated Press's list of athletes of the century. He will be eligible for induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2009 although he was unofficially given a spot in the Hall the minute he laced up his Nike's for the Bulls in 1984.
Jordan is also noted for his product endorsements. He fueled the success of Nike's Air Jordan sneakers, which were introduced in 1985 and remain popular today. Jordan also starred in the 1996 feature film Space Jam for which Jordan received an Academy Award for Best Fadeaway Jumper(male).
Michael Jordan is generally credited with making the first controlled, powered, heavier-than-air flight on December 17, 1903. In the two years afterward, he developed his flying machine into the world's first practical airplane, along with many other aviation milestones. In 1991 he received the Nobel Prize in Aviation for his ground breaking discoveries in "tongue-aided levitation".
Once single-handedly defeated the New Jersey Nets in a game during the 1992-93 season in a game of one on five by a score of 121-83. (Note: Jordan was in the New Jersey area shooting a commercial and the rest of the Bulls were grounded in Chicago by a blizzard. During the 4th quarter, all 12 Nets players, the ball boys, cheerleaders, coaches, announcers and all 10 Nets fans were allowed to play the final two minutes of the game for New Jersey.)
[edit] The Number 23
Michael Jordan's powers came from his jersey number, 23. In the Collectors Edition of the cult movie, The Number 23, featuring Danny Huston, the deleted scenes are all focused on Walter "Payton Jack" Sparrow finding reasons for Michael Jordan's number. This and many other theories, including talent, practicing for days straight, luck, genetically enhanced organs, a titanium lower body, a bald head and being black are why he was so great at the game of basketball.
Alternative Theory: A sample of Jordan's sweat that dripped from the bottom of his shoe as he soared through the air was extracted from Patrick Ewing's fro in 1995. Analysis of this sample shows that Jordan is possibly from the planet Kargon, a planet more than 23 billion light years from Earth on which all of it inhabitants have a career average of 30 ppg in professional basketball leagues throughout the universe.
Hollywood True Stroy It is said that the reason Michael wore the number 23 is because there wasn't enough space for the number of the beast... which Michael was, in fact, a beast. Studies have shown that he is not human. His parents simply found him in an abandoned church and adopted him.
[edit] God in Disguise?
Speculation on whether Michael Jordan is in fact the Christian Messiah began when he set a record for most points in a playoff game in 1986 against the Boston Celtics when he scored 63 points. After surviving Jordan's one-man onslaught of basketball perfection, a stunned Larry Bird commended Jordan's efforts despite the Bulls' loss after the game by breaking down in tears and describing him as "God disguised as Michael Jordan... only black." The following morning in a live press conference, Bird renounced all religions of the world except Christianity and announced that he was founding The Church of Michael Jordan.
[edit] The Messiah Complex
The testaments of fellow alumni who attended the University of North Carolina with Michael Jordan further support the claim that he is indeed the Messiah. Many claim to have witnessed Jordan perform feats of exceptional ability on and off the basketball court. These range from Jordan "hanging" or "levitating" in the air for nearly one minute and dunking a basketball over 5 opposing players and the referee during a Tar Heels home game to scarfing down a large platter of the school's notoriously rancid cafeteria food in only one minute. One righteous alumni even claimed that Jordan cured his blindness to see how bad he sucked at basketball when Jordan dunked over his awful defense in the paint.
The recent close inspection of Michael Jordan's numerous accolades and achievements in the NBA during his time with the Chicago Bulls suggest that he exuded an unexplainable, almost god-like presence on the court. Teammates and opposing players alike all agree that they were all basically powerless against Jordan's inexplicable gravity-defying, air-bending, def-jamming basketball prowess. They also concur that nobody could deliver trash-talking one-liners about their mommas better than Jordan.
Former teammate and close friend Scottie Pippen recalls of one instance in which he and the team were showering together after one game. He suddenly felt a feeling of orgasmic euphoria come across his body when Jordan stepped into the shower and then a surge of sticky warmth soon followed. "It was blinding," Pippen recalls. "I saw the white light and it was blinding. It just hit me in the eye, you know?"
Jordan continually and consistently led the league in all major stats including scoring, blowing away the competition to the point where NBA commissioner David Stern controversially contemplated changing the NBA's name to "Michael Jordan and others." When threat of a lock-out by infuriated players ensued, Stern wisely retorted the bold proposal. Angered by Stern's wilting under pressure, Jordan renounced the NBA and retired in 1993 after leading the Chicago Bulls to three back-to-back championships.
[edit] A Different Kind of Second Coming
Popularity in the NBA began to falter and the future of humankind fell into uncertainty in the absence of Michael Jordan. Children across the globe, especially those in the projects, no longer had a rolemodel to turn to. Hostility escalated and war broke out among nations to see who's was bigger. Cities across the globe succumbed to poverty and pestilence. Women were raped, cities pillaged, and those stranded individuals seeking salvation from the world thrown into chaos looked up to the Watchmen's Rorschach and asked him to save them to which he gently whispered, "no."
On March 18, 1995, salvation finally came in the form of a press conference when Michael Jordan announced his return to the NBA with three simple words (one to represent each of his shiny championship rings): "I'm back, biatch!" The event became a frenzy and joy transformed the press conference room into a surrealistic defining moment in the history of humankind. "It was incredible," Pope John Paul II recalled. "He gracefully appeared before the podium in a silhouette of majestic beauty, which my eyes cannot explain in any language and announced his return. I nearly cried and the reporter next to me wept for joy, clutching her breast as if her heart were about to burst. It was perhaps the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed."
The combined efforts of Michael Jordan's amazing basketball skills and Michael Jackson's "Heal the World" song soon helped quell the violence of the world. People across the globe united in a significant display of reverence for both Michaels by offering a moment of silence to them in large, concurrent, congregations throughout their abandoned churches. Such display of affection inspired Jordan to forgive Stern for his shortcomings and he resumed to his championship ways by winning another three-peat of NBA titles in 1996, 1997, and 1998.
[edit] The Antichrist
With his skills albeit often imitated but never duplicated, Michael Jordan's greatness has become the scourge at which following generations of NBA players have tried to tarnish with their own basketball efforts in an attempt to ascend His Holiness in their claim to be the true Messiah. The media has dubbed these brash individuals as "the next Michael Jordan." Many of the so-called "Michael Jordans" have entered the NBA with much hype and the promise to be the very best of all time and all have failed in even remotely matching Jordan's accomplishments.
Players such as Vince Carter, Grant Hill, and Dwayne Wade continue to receive support for their claims of being the Messiah from wayward followers despite their inedaquecies. Much of the opposition believe that while they are not the Messiah, they are indeed the Antichrist. Critics argue that these players become blinded by their hubris and misguided by all the attention they receive throughout their high school basketball and college basketball careers as a result of media's obssession to discover "the next big thing".
According to recent studies, historians remain divided on the subject of which current basketball player is the Antichrist. Many affirm that current basketball standout and future Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant fits the role. They argue that his sinister nature (the nature of the beast) has led him to rape women and occasionally children in the confines of abandoned cars and violate the sanctity of his marriage. His unholy feats on the basketball court also mirror that of a hellbound deity -- reminiscent of an evil and angry one-eyed serpent bent on scoring points in some type of hoop or "hole." Sources also point out that he is truly the serpent who forcibly entered the "garden of Eden" without consent and proceeded to rape it, signalling the end of innocence -- his especially.
Other experts remain strong proponents of the argument that it is LeBron James who is the Antichrist. They note the incredible way in which he hopelessly tries to imitate Jordan's tongue action, death-defying dunks, team leadership skills, and even his jersey by boldly wearing the #23. However, neither LeBron nor his followers deny how much worse he is at everything else. Still, many believe that he is still developing his powers and shall one day lead the world towards the End Times once his latent, demonic abilities awaken.
[edit] Old Cheese Eyes Controversy
Many of Michael's most dedicated fans came up with the nickname of "Old Cheese Eyes" in reference to his beautiful golden peepers. When confronted with the moniker in a groundbreaking 1999 interview for Highlights Magazine, Jordan revealed that his piercing neon yellow eyes are actually a symptom of a very serious condition known as "Peepee Opticus". Reduced to tears, he went on to discuss that his contracts required all promotional photography to be in black and white in order to prevent humiliation.
[edit] Space Jam Scuffle
This was later revealed to be cause for a dispute with fellow cast member Daffy Duck on the set of 1996 American live-action/animated film Space Jam. According to the book titled "The Pledge of Yellowagience: My Time with Cheddarwinkers Mcgoo" written by Michael's personal assistant during filming, the two would have heated arguments for hours about whether the film would be made publicly available in color.
Rumors of Jordan's unreasonable behavior leaked out of the Warner Bros. Studios and into the mainstream media outlets. As a result, Jordan was forced to release a public statement. In a press conference regarding the issue, Mr. Jordan farted the national anthem, resulting in a roar of applause and laughter amongst the audience.
[edit] Michael's Double
Did you know that his airness had a double? Yes he had. His name is Michael Jordan. He was the double of the great yet not so great NBA player, Michael "Air" Jordan. After Jordan's first retirement, he hired a double to play for his team whenever he had something better to do like when he goes to church, attends his brother's birthday, attend his dog's birthday, have sex with his wife, have sex with Jordam's wife, do the laundry, mow the lawn, sleep on the couch like a lazy bastard and other more important stuff than just playing basketball in a league that is dominated by black people. He had the original number 45 but when Jordan knew about this, he insisted that he should wear the famous number of a god, 23.
The person who we should give credit to is this person Michael Jordam and not Michael Jordan. In the the overall total points 32,292, the real Michael Jordan scored only 4,872 out of it. It was Jordam who led the Bulls to a 27th championship and not the real Michael Jordan. While Jordan was drinking and gambling with his friends, Jordam led the Bulls to their 6th championship.
After Jordan's Retirement, Michael Jordan went to Hogwarts to study witchcraft at the age of 68. He hasn't been set yet, excluding his first starring role in the porno, Shafting for 23.
[edit] Personal Life
Michael Jordan has been married 5 times and has 10 different wives spanning the globe; one for each vacation house he owns. To this day, his best friends remain Charles Barkley and Michael Jackson.
As of 2009, Jordan pretty much golfs for various charities in an effort to top his all time personal best golf score of 92 but to no avail so far. Oh, and he likes helping out charities.
[edit] Filmography
Films
| Year | Film | Role |
|---|---|---|
| 1993 | Michael Jordan's Forbidden Playground | Creepy guy |
| 1996 | Space Jam | Himself/Tweety Bird |
| He Gotz Skillz: The Unofficial True Story of Michael Jordan | Himself | |
| 1998 | Space Jam 2: Secret of the Space Jelly | Himself |
| 2000 | Space Jam 3-D: Live Action Loonies | Himself |
| 2007 | The Number 23 | #23 |
[edit] Weaknesses
- Himself
- The Number 45
- Casino's
- Marriage
- His brother Larry
- Bugs Bunny and friends
- Karl Malone
- Baseball
- Fei Lu
- Napalm
- Powerade
- VX Gas
- Hanes tighty-whities
[edit] Michael's Other, Other Stats
- 9996 HP
- 800 MP
- 132 BPM
- 8 GB of RAM
- Limit Break - 3 Point Dunkin' Mania
- 3 base hits, 1 double and 67 strikeouts. in a 2 week period with the Chicago White Sox.
[edit] Trivia
- Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jordan's nickname "Air Jordan" did not originate from his leaping abilities but rather from his tendancy to shoot "empty blanks" during sexual intercourse according to his many ex-girlfriends.
- Formerly a member of the notorious "Michael Club" in the 1980s consisting of extremely popular celebrities named Michael at the time such as Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson, and Michael the archangel.
- Rescued a drowning man by pulling him from a raging river with his hyper elongated tongue.
- Single-handedly propelled the sport of basketball into becoming one of America's most popular sports with his extraordinary athletic skills during a time in which soccer had taken the US by storm.
