Michael Phelps

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Michael "The Bong" Phelps is the codename of a top secret US government project conceived in 1985 by J. Robert Oppenheimer and the CIA. The conception was developed in Dexter's Laboratory through test tubes under the protection of the FBI. In order to create the most successful athlete of the world, Jamaican scientists under the tutelage of Albert Einstein and Mythbusters gathered the strongest genes of the planet; a fertile ovule of Lucy Lawless, a bunch of generously donated sperm from Zeus' XVIIIC son Kratos and most of the rare genetic code of Big Boss. During the mixage, Professor Einstein mixed another chemical by mistake; Chromosome SSJ. Thus, Michael Phelps X was born.

It was created when the USA realized that, with China hosting the 2008 Summer Olympics, the evil communists might actually overtake the greatest country in the world in gold medals, thus hurting national pride. Designed to displace large amounts of water with its intricate limbs and propel itself forward in a straight line, Michael Phelps has proven itself to be a great success after successfully winning eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympics. Additionally, Phelps has also been commonly mistaken as a member of the Westboro Baptist Church by several noobs, but coincidentally has got nothing to do with them at all.

Michael Phelps smoked a bong.

Olympics[edit]

2000 Olympic Games[edit]

At the wee age of fifteen, Michael Phelps was considered little more than a nooblet by the competition in Sydney. He failed to make a splash (no pun intended) in 2000, but he began to make a name for himself as a district-class swimmer. A few seconds later, he broke a world record. Imagine being the best in the world at something as competitive as ping-pon... (cough) swimming at age 16, incredible. Michael Phelps is not my hero. heroherohero (I have ADHD, sorysorrysorrysorry)

2004 Olympic Games[edit]

By the time 2004 rolled around, Michael Phelps had become a household name. He scheduled himself to compete in over 9000 events, which really only a swimmer can do because of the billions of stupid offshoots with a five meter difference. Unfortunately Michael Phelps won bronze in two of his eight events, which normally would be something to celebrate about but was definitely not up to the standards of Michael Phelps. The world knew his name, but he did not accomplish the goal of becoming the greatest Olympian of all time.

Michael Phelps continued to compete in other world championship events between the Athens Olympics and the ones in Beijing, but seriously nobody watches those.

Phelps said at the 2004 games, "I hope by 2008 I still won't have these jacked up teeth."

2008 Olympic Games[edit]

At the 2008 Olympic Games, Michael Phelps became the best in the world. Not the best 'swimmer' or even athlete, Just the best human overall. It is now confirmed that he is part fish.

Sports[edit]

400 m individual medley[edit]

Competing in his first event, Michael Phelps had to deal with teammate Julius Caesar and Hungarian Franz Kafka for the gold. He beat them both, however, in world record time without even breaking a sweat. (He wouldn't, since he's in the pool)

4 x 100 m freestyle relay[edit]

Quite possibly the most dramatic event for Michael Phelps in the Olympics, he had to rely on his teammates to beat out a very arrogant team of favorite French. The French team was talking shit before the race, and they came in with some serious confidence. However, at the last few seconds teammate Jason Lezak proceeded to absolutely hand it to French superstar Alain Bernard and finish eight hundredths of a second ahead of him. Michael Phelps then went super saiyan and reached a power level of over 9000. This involved acting like a massively arrogant douche and yet again embarrasing America on the world stage. In the 'states, patriotic Americans still affected by pride and anti-Frenchness from back when everyone actually liked the Iraq War launched a ball of pure jingoism that completely razed Paris, killing 562. However, since the overwhelming majority of them were Algerians, there were no serious diplomatic consequences. Experts agree that, had Michael Phelps used his Super Saiyan Powers, France would not have been able to survive the attack.

Roman Emperor Michael Phelps clutching his latest piece of Nazi Gold

100 m butterfly[edit]

In this race, Michael Phelps had to turn to his l33t h4x to beat some filthy Serbian by 1/1,000,000th of a second. Eurofags cried rape, but the rest of the world just pointed, laughed, and continued to drool over the epicness of Michael Phelps.

Michael Phelps doesn't reach for touchpads. Touchpads reach for Michael Phelps.

4 x 100 m medley relay[edit]

The great run of Michael Phelps ended the same way it started - with American pwnage of Europe (actually it was Australia, but nvm that). With the last gold medal, Michael Phelps became the greatest Olympian ever, and America proved to the world that it was still the greatest country ever.

How He Did It[edit]

His secret to success is breaking the speed of light sending himself back in time allowing him to finish a race before it even starts. This has the added bonus of going back in time is that he can tell himself if he set a new world record before he actually swims in a race. Plus, he has Amazingly Dope Heroic Definition.

Phelps on his success, "I'm too ugly to get a date and when I asked girls out they kept throwing water at me."

Michael Phelps had a strict regiment of drinking while driving and increasing his lung capacity with bong hits. His alcoholism is world renowned.

Pets[edit]

Michael Phelps has one pet, Hernando the English Bullfrog. “He’s my best bud,” said Michael Phelps, “we pretty much have the same exact personality.” (“ribbet, ribbet CROAK,” remarked Hernando.) “I’ve never hear anyone croak so loud in my entire life!” enthused Michael Phelps. Hernando is very popular with fans. “I can’t decide who’s cuter, Michael Phelps or Hernando the English Bullfrog!” squealed Helen, 16, of Nebraska. Ironically, English Bullfrogs cannot swim.

IQ and Education[edit]

Michael Phelps has never had his IQ tested, because, according to experts, “it would be pointless.” Phelps is actually the retarded Manning brother, with Eli being half-retarded and Peyton Manning being the evil offfensive genius of the family. Teammate Ian Crocker confirmed this opinion, stating, “We try not to let Mike talk too much when we do team interviews. He’s really fast in the pool, but slow in the head, if you know what I mean.”

Despite this, Michael Phelps attends the University of Michigan, a nationally renowned academic institution. He does not, however, take classes. “Naw,” says Michael Phelps, “I’d rather just swim, eat, and chill with Hernando, and that’s cool.” A University spokesperson said, “We didn’t really expect him to take classes, but he brings the spotlight to Ann Arbor in a good way. We’re more than paying for the good publicity though, because since he’s come here, we’ve had to hire 200 more kitchen staff to meet his dietary needs, and our swim teams can’t practice while he’s in the pool, because we can’t have them dropping like flies unconscious in the water every time they’re hit with his wake.”

Michael Phelps... the drug dealer??[edit]

Yes, Michael Phelps and other American athletes are shot up with speed and mary jane before each race in an attempt to beat the hell out of their competition. It has recently been reported that marihuana is the newest performance enhancer(both in the bed and in the water). It has even shown to be more effective than gorilla steriods, but you be the judge. Michael Phelps has now secummed to the temptation and is now a druggie, although he has not been seen taking the almighty performance inhancing substance known as codename "redbull". It is now known as the urine of Chuck Norris.

Implications of Success[edit]

Michael Phelps is used as evidence by some to prove that Americans are NOT fat and lazy. The effort to prove this point, however, is obviously futile due to the fact that most Americans are fat and lazy.

Phelps while proving not all Americans are fat and lazy still pointed out the flaws with American Dentistry.

Phelps is also the only American man to be able to eat around 12,000 Calories a day and not weigh in the vicinity of around 1200 pounds. HA! Take that fat America! so much for blaming you fatness on overeating! now you have to yet again factor in laziness.

Will Michael Phelps jokes replace Chuck Norris jokes?[edit]

You decide...

  • Michael Phelps is always bolded. Always.
  • The Serbian tried to appeal the call, but got owned by the greatness that is Michael Phelps.
  • Michael Phelps is not the only good thing to come out of Baltimore. There's Cal Ripken, and then there's uhhhh... ummmm...Cal Ripken, and...Michael Phelps--oh, yeah, already said him, right. Well, how bout Cal...oh yeah, said him too....uh....?
  • When Michael Phelps is in the pool, he impregnates every woman in the water with him. Even if they're post-menopause.
  • It is irrelevant how many gold medals China has. America has Michael Phelps.
  • Michael Phelps is better than you.
  • In Soviet Russia, gold medal wins YOU!!!!! (Assuming you're Michael Phelps)
  • Michael Phelps WILL be at London 2012. And that's all. No one else is wasting their time.
  • Water doesn't have an ass, but Michael Phelps still kicks it.
  • If Michael Phelps raced a U.S. Navy attack submarine... the submarine would get sucked into his prop wash and be cut to pieces.
  • If Michael Phelps and Shawn "Let me fuck your legs" Johnson did the gymNasty Liukin in an Olympic pool, I have no idea who would win, but it would be fucking AWESOME!!!
  • There is no national debt. There are no high gas prices. There is no housing crisis. There is only Michael Phelps.
  • Rumours that Michael Phelps has a crush on Lindsay Lohan. Not funny, you stupid Brit. Didn't you read the disclaimer?
  • Michael Phelps’ heart pumps twice as much blood as the average human’s heart. Blood made of the failed Olympic dreams of everyone that has raced against him.
  • Michael Phelps eats whole gymnasts for breakfast. Paul and Morgan Hamm were the only ones who escaped.
  • Hurricane Gustav was slowed by Michael Phelps swimming clockwise in the Gulf of Mexico.
  • Michael Phelps eats whatever he sees. If he sees you, you better run! If he sees you in any body of water, well...you're fucked.
  • Michael Phelps doesn't swim like the dolphins, the dolphins swim like him.
  • Michael Phelps decided to take a dip in the Indian Ocean in 2004, the tsunami happened.
  • Michael Phelps taught salmon to swim up waterfalls.
  • Q: What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps? A: Michael Phelps knows how to finish a race.
  • Michael Phelps doesn't look like God... God looks like Micheal Phelps.
  • Michael Phelps wins everything. Even if he loses, he still wins. That's just how epic he is.
  • Michael Phelps is related to the famous Baptist minister Fred Phelps.
  • A Michael Phelps flip-turn is the only phenomenon in the universe capable of canceling out the force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.
  • Because of his Super Fish Abilities, Michael Phelps doesn't need air. He breathes because air needs him.
  • Michael Phelps is the reason we are running out of pancakes.

See Also[edit]

UnBooks:Michael Phelps Makes Me Sick