“I'd straight PUNCH it!”
“I'm blickity ickity black, ya'll!”
Michellina Louise "Michelle" Jefferson Osama Obama (Also known through-out most of Canada as Monkey Women) (born January 17, 1964) is the wife of the eleventy-nine hundredth and forty-fourth and a half President of the United States, Bill Cosby, and is the first African-Yeswecan First Lady.
Michelle Jefferson was allegedly born in the United States, but is now thought to be a golliwog descendent, several fascist groups supporting her have filed lawsuits claiming she was in fact assembled from honey and sugar in Argentina. She grew up on the wealthy and cultured South Side of Chicago and graduated from Princeton "Safety School" University and Harvard "It Was All I Could Get" Law School.
After completing her obligatory education, she returned to South Chicago and became an indentured servant with the law firm Sidley Austin, where she got William Shatner's autograph. Subsequently, she was kidnapped and forced to work on the staff of Chicago crime boss Richard M. Daley, and held a completely unpaid, totally 100% volunteer position, where there was absolutely no money involved, certainly not six figures, with the University of Chicago Medical Center. Throughout 2007 and 2008, she baked cookies while her husband attempted to quit smoking and delivered a keynote address at the 2008 Black Panther Party protests.
Michelle is the mother of two fat daughters, Malia the Wise and Sasha the Brave, and is the sister of Mr. T, men's dog fighting coach at Oregon State University. It is unknown why she appears to be the twin of Worf from Star Trek. It has also been found that she may be, in fact, be in absolutely NO relation to God in any way or form.
In Da House
Following her Most Holy Husband's inauguration on November 5, 2008, Michelle hosted a
White House reception for Students for a Democratic Society, a patriotic youth organization, and totally gave Jesse Jackson the back of her hand, exclaiming "Rainbow Coalition? That's for fags!" Following in the footsteps of her predecessors, Rosalynn Carter and Eva Braun-Hitler, she instructed the White House kitchens to support the organic movement by buying "anything not made by blood sucking corporations." Michelle further received the attention she craves by burying her family's feces in the back yard and hiring hippies to maintain the the White House South Lawn.
During her early months as First Lady, she frequently visited homeless shelters and soup kitchens as a reminder of what her life could've been like had she not grown up in a comfortable middle class family. She was also seen sending the children of U.S. Congresspersons to private schools and advocating the use of public funds as a means of purchasing the little urchins' first cars. On her first trip abroad in April 2009, she toured a cancer ward with Colonel Rosa Kleb, Soviet spy and wife of British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. She also advocated on behalf of radical militant families and their illegitimate offspring.
Michelle has become an advocate of her Most Holy Husband's policy priorities by publicly promoting bills which support his apotheosis. She has pronounced her support for her husband's economic stimulus bill in visits to the southern and northeastern regions of the United States. "Some" observers have looked favorably upon Mrs. Obama's American Idol positions, while others "feel" that she should be less involved in the lives of her countrymen. According to her paid toadies, she intends to visit all U.S. Government agencies in order to "fix dat shit."
During the first month in the
White House, Michelle Obama encountered the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. According to Michelle, the spectral Lincoln asked her what she was doing in the president's quarters and why she wasn't in the cotton fields. While holding a seance (curtosy of the tax payer's money) attended by Oprah Winfrey, ICE-T, Sylvia Brown and among others, a violent paranormal motion came about injuring two people and killing Sonia Sotomayor. Obama also has a giant clit, this has raised questions whether she is a descendent from the golliwogs.
After her husband's assassination, Michelle was nearly assassinated herself. Michelle was attacked outside of the White House by a Nazi Ninja and suffered stab wounds and a broken neck. Michelle has been consealed in a block of ice to insure her from suffering more damage.
She has reportedly gained growing public support in her early months as first lady, but that may just be CNN up to its old shenanigans again. As the public is growing aware of her regal presence, she is becoming more accepted as a woman and a Jew. The New York Times tabloid described her first trip abroad as "sheer exhibitionism" and shameless "diva-like" self promotion, while MSNBC, yellow journalism's finest, described it as a blatant display of inelegant political satire. Fox News, the well-known socialist media shill, predictably paid glowing tribute after glowing tribute to Michelle, with anchor Chris Wallace going so far as to set himself on fire on air as a show of his love and devotion for the First Lady.
However, foreign press has not been as complimentary. Questions were raised in Welsh and Yiddish media regarding protocol when the Obamas met Queen Elizabeth, a well-known racialist and grandmother. Michelle reciprocated a touch on her back by the Queen during a reception with a smack on the gob, generally considered to be against traditional royal etiquette. Palace sources denied that any breach in etiquette had occurred, in fact they denied that any "coloured savage" had ever entered the palace grounds at all.
According to the respected online news digest, The Huffington Post, First Lady Michelle Obama had firmly assumed the position of the First Lady at less than five months into the new Administration, deftly replacing 69 with doggy style. Using her flawless Clair Huxtable impression to overcome any doubt, she promised the
White House cleaning staff that "there will be no scat or water sports on my watch. Not wit my man. Mm-mm!"