Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd.
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“The Liverpool Reds have always been my favorite soccer squadron. I'm delighted to have purchased the franchise, even though Weetabix were my first pick”
~ New owner George Gillett on his recent purchase
“Liverpool are the best Spanish club in the Premier League”
~ Some drunk guy in Liverpool city centre
“I was in trouble over some of the war crimes I'd commited back in Slovakia and I needed some place to hide out, and Rafa let me come here. Frankly I wish I'd just gone to prison”
~ Martin Skrtel
“I've signed this new guy called Juan Paella Dominguez. He has qwality, for sure, I'm not going to shove him on the wing for a year and then sell him off to a team in Chile like I do with all the other shite Spanish players I've bought, I promise.”
~ Rafa Benitez
The Mickey Mousers Football Franchise Ltd. (founded 2007, formerly Liverpool FC, also known as Steven Gerrard FC, Benitez's Back Entry Diddlers, Liverfool, Liverpoo, Shitterpool, and MajorSpain in the Ass) is a joint Yank-Dago-Scouse enterprise and one of the best, but not the best professional soccer franchises in the World (notice truth is supposed to be typed here). They are based in Socialist Republic of Scouseland, England, but in the last 30 years have made their mark across Europe. As such, they have outlets in Brussels, Athens, Rome, Turin and Istanbul.
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[edit] History
According to legend the club was founded by working-class, salt-of-the-earth Scousers (and devoted football fans), and its fans have always been fiercely proud of its history and tradition. It was solemnly declared that this club would not go the way of Chel$ki Abramograd F.C. or the Manchester Red Sox. They insisted they were a "different sort of club" and would not sell their history or prostitute themselves to foreign capital in order to progress. Mr. Potato Head accepted the position of manager and continued where other previous liverpool managers left off. It's about tradition and upholding these values " is what Mr. Potato Head was quoted as saying when asked why liverpool weren't reaching their potential again in the league.
Thus, when the time came for the owners to sell up, they selected two men who would protect Liverpool's great tradition (and provide lots of cash), Americans George N. Gillett Jr. II ( aka Woody ) and Tom 'Chuck' Hicks ( aka Buzz lightyear ) stepped in. Previous owner Dick Parry insisted that the duo were "as Scouse as a car with no wheels". Gillett / Woody himself assured fans that "the Liverpool Reds have always been my favourite soccer squadron. I'm delighted to have purchased the franchise, even though Weetabix were my first pick." However many suspect their purchase of liverpool as a slight on their previous co-star in revenge for outing Woody and Buzz's secret beastiality fetish and thus ruining the Toy Story franchise for good..
Their home ground is currently located in Anfield Road, but their spiritual home will always be Surrey, where most of their loyal fans are from. Liverpewl FC is one of the most talked about clubs in the world, cursed by Mancs (Manchester United Supporters) due to their scouser's obsession with the red devils. The stadium is unique in that every food and beverage on offer contains the native Liverpool ingredient of diseased rat (or a Neville if available), and that the seats are in fact made from hubcaps which have been collected over the years by their fans. It is also recognised that Analfield holds the world record for the largest gathering of "natural comedians! in history - there is also a claim lodged for the greatest number of poets, singers, unemployed, professional hubcap thieves etc.
Liverpool are officially the greatest team ever to perform a group-strip in public. (They havent won the premiership for 18 years, (in fact they've never won the FA Premier League, ever since 1992!) but telling them this results in castration followed by a 3 hour lecture on history, and how neither blueshite has any history. Unfortunately, there's no future in history). The one blot on their otherwise unblemished football record is a loss in the FA Cup final to the notorious football firm Wimbledon (now renamed and relocated on the moon), which was followed by the entire Liverpool footballing world... yes you guessed it, stripping. Well the Red Half of Scouseland at least. Everyone else was rejoicing like t'was 1945 all over again. Reports of another football team in Liverpool/Merseyside are at this time sketchy. "Tranmere Rovers" is not technically a football team, but a pub on Coronation St. Liverpool had, and always will have, a divine right to win the league title every season, even if they are shit. This must not be questioned. Ever. Liverpool are also the only team to have ever faced the same team twice in the Uefa Champions League Final, and losing to them due to Man U in disguise coming out to attack them (AIG = Another Inzaghi Goal... geddit?) Some Scousers also believe the 08-09 season could belong to them, unaware that Manchester City is going to buy up every player of note in the league and beat everyone, except Hell, which they will die in.hi i,m ya mum and i like steven gerrard too much!!
In 2008 supporters voted Charles Itandjheehee as Player of the season, closely followed by an angry leprachaun who came to visit for a few months.
The club was recently told to fuck off by everyone after their chase of Aston Villa's Gareth Barry.
They also, the only Spanish football club to play in English premier league.
When interviewed about being the only e-spaniel team in the premier league all Rafa said was "Woof, Woof Woof, Wooooooooof.
[edit] Fans
Getting to Anfield is not easy for the majority of Liverpool fans as most have to come from the 1980s to get there, negotiating the Space/Time Continuum on the way. Because of this, many of them take an obsolete piece of clothing to matches known as ‘scarves’ (stolen of course) which the insist on holding aloft at the end of every game even when they lose for some unknown reason. This is because there is no more intimidating sight in world football than 40,000 blokes with perms and tashes holding scarves above their heads. Maybe they think dressing as Tom Baker will help them get through the space/time continuum.
The club anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone Because I'll Always Be There For You Every Day And Every Night Having You By My Side Until The Day That I Die ooooh baby” or to make it short, "YNWABIABTFUEDAENHUBMSUTDIDOOOOHBABY" is sung at every game when Liverpool are winning and became a tradition. This emerged not, as is widely believed, because Liverpudlians Barry and the Bindippers popularised the song, but because it is advisable for opposition fans not to walk home alone after a match against Liverpool. It is rarely heard, however, when the team looks likely to lose. This is because most of the fans will have already left to catch the last train back down south or are busy getting revenge by stealing the opposition's hubcaps and/or virginity.
At the start of every new season, Liverpool fans (and normally the manager) will claim they will win the league this time. They flood football phone-ins convinced it is their year, vote en masse in Sky Sports and teletext polls and continue throughout the season until it is mathematically impossible for them to do so (usually around November). They then switch to saying that they’ll win it next year instead. This self-delusional process takes place to allay deep-seated fears among the support that they are no longer a big club, having not won tbe league since 1066. Instead they resort to singing songs about what their team used to win. A bit like an incontinent geriatric relative who sits in the corner and whines about how we used to beat the Huns and the Froggies on a regular basis.
Liverpool fans were recently overwhelmingly voted by UEFA as the best fans in the world. They are so good, that they don't need to buy tickets to watch cup finals. Instead, they don their genuine Reebook Classique trainers, and run as fast as they can at the gates shouting Norwegian obscenities and 'Justice for the 96'. Young Liverpool fans, are so unselfish, that they often travel to European games, handing out their own tickets to older fans who are more deserving to go the game. Bless 'em.
Liverpool fans are known for possessing several distinctive qualities: grace in victory and defeat, modesty, an unrivalled knowledge of the game and, most of all, dignity. The club oozes class from top to bottom, and it shows through in all of their actions, on and off the pitch. When things go wrong, some clubs try to pass the buck. Not Liverpool. When guilty of a misdemeanour, some clubs blame everyone but themselves. Not Liverpool. Some football fans sing about tragedies and malicious rumours. Not Liverpool. They are a credit to their city, their country, their continent, indeed their planet. Football salutes them. (It is important to adopt a sarcastic tone when reading this). It is worth noting that all liverpool players sign a legally binding contract, written on toilet roll, that includes a clause allowing their own fans to burgal their teams players on the occasion of their home debut. All items are stolen and exchanged for food stamps ( Liverpools currency of choice )
The club has, in recent years, continued their traditional transfer policy. That being; sell good, buy yanks new house, buy a clown for a few peanuts and make shitter. Recent examples of this are Rhyming Babel, Calamity Degen, Mrs Voronine, Itandjheehee and Dossanus
[edit] Players
Are absolutely superb, except when faced with Harry Potter or The Beast. On these occasions, they tend to disintegrate. At least seven players[citation needed] are confirmed as being the manager's offspring. Every game Rafaington puts on rubbish players and takes off the other rubbiash ones, this keeps the robbers busy when deciding which house to rob.
[edit] Steven GayRard
- Thug on £3m a week. Jesus Christ! Average scouse wage is £3( See Jamie Carragher and Martin "Rapist" Skrtel)
- Zzzztevie Gerrard MBE (AKA 'STEAL YA HUBCAPS.- He is stevie G - The G stands For GAY
- One black moment in Mouser history threatened to change everything. Stevie decided they were not worthy of his greatness and considered joining a club who would pay him more money and still be in the title race after December. The masses were stirred. Stevie was burned in effigy. They burned his shirts. Mouser scientists produced a thesis arguing that he was not, in fact, even a scouser. The switchboards were jammed with mad scousers declaring their conversion from Stevieanity. They warned he should never come with a 100000000 mile radius of Scouseland. Someone even sent him Jimmy Starstruck's greatest hits. Then...he changed his mind. He said couldn't turn his back on his boyhood heroes or his people. He had to stay to lead the masses to the Promised Land. The new £500,000 a week contract was purely coincidental. Once again he was the Saviour of Scousekind. The shirt-burners bought new shirts, and returned to worshipping him. The incident was consigned to Room 101, never to be mentioned again, on pain of Echo and the Bunnymen being let loose on the airwaves.
[edit] The Rest
Contrary to popular belif (including that of Rafa Beneitez and Gerrard himself), there are more players on Liverpool than Steven Gerrard, however they are rarely involved in matches but can often be spotted in the background as Gerrard is playing: -
- Pepe Rainier - Accident prone foreign goalkeeper in the tradition of Brucie "£50,000 in used notes please" Grubbyliar. Only bought because he is Rafa Benitez's son. Ugly fucker, too. Plus bald, I mean whatthefuck, are you Vic Mackey or somefink?
- Jamie's Car Agger - Never stepped out of Liverpool once. Is widely seen as the scousest scouser since Yosser Hughes. Jacked a few cars in his time. Popular with the fans. Less pace than a distracted mountain goat, and less articulate. After realising he wasn't good enough to play for England, he did the honourable thing and retired, saving the manager the trouble of not picking him. But if your a Liverpool fan he is probably the greatest defender in the world, who loves to try an pull off other mens shirts and riding Daniel Agger.
- Fandango Tossehs Joined Liverpool for 2000 pounds of Spanish gold and Senorita Benitez's hand in marriage. Noted for being the Mousers' 178th "final piece in the jigsaw", the fabled chosen one with the hopeless task of restoring the glory days (cf. Nigel "my name's not Brian for fuck's sake" Clough, Dribble Sissy, Stan Gollygosh and Harry "Leeds reject" Kewl). According to official Liverpool FC records he scored 2831 goals in 30 games in his debut season. Those who doubt the accuracy has their cars jacked and get locked in a room for 5 secondss with Mrtn Skrtl. Thats all the time he needs.
- Jerry Mashya anus. Owned by the Argentinian mafia. Ask about his contract and you'll be sleeping with Diego Maradona before the day is out.
- Dick, Fly a Kuyt commonly known as Dick Cunt, formally known as Sloth, and starred in the documentary the Goonies. Looks like Ian Dowie's retarded son and has a similar goalscoring record.
- Flabio Aurelio. A porky, balding latino who isn't very good. Another of Rafa's long lost love childs? The test results are still being processed....
- Daniel Dagger Related to Agger the terrible, an old viking soldier who raped and attacked young children. He also played for Millwall but was sold for being too soft. Has never done cocaine.
- Ryan Bubble Plays at 'un-used substitute' position to great effect. Cost $47million from PSV Ajaxnoord. Bought after impressing in 30-second cameo for Holland reserves three years ago.
- Charlie "benchwarmer" it and gee Possibly the best french goalkeeper, known to be afraid of football.
- "'known to be shit zero apperances for the club one of the players from the academy that thinks he play for the club and is the best recently released by liverpool and joined amateur side bukit merah old uncles.
[edit] Past players
- Diving Keegan
- Moaning Dog-Leash
- Phil 'back pass' Neal
- Bruce Grubbyliar
- Emlyn 'Helium' Hughes
- Jason Racketeer
- Calamity James
- Mark 'porn star tash' Lawrenson
- Steve 'I'm moving to a bigger club' McManamanamanaman
- Na na na na na na Spackman!
- Ian Thrush
- John Couldnthitabarnesdoor
- Robbie 'drug addict' Fowler
- Emile 'he's fallen over again' Heskey
- Igor Biscuitman
- Dribble, Sissy!
- Jimmy 'hog farmer' Traore
- Floren the cinema-going pongy goalie
- Fernando 'did well in Spain' Morientes
- Pinocchio Thompson
- John 'penalty king' Aldridge
- Tom Caff
- Yosser Souness
- Mark Wrong
- Phil Crabb
- Alan 'Rapist' Kennedy
- Neil Haddock
- Daniel Davies ( Bench Warmer )
[edit] Current Squad
- 1. Dungo Cavalier
- 2. Glen the librarian
- 4. Aquaman, currently on loan to the hospital
- 5. Daniel Dagger
- 8. Steven Perrard
- 9. Fernando Tossers
- 10. Mrs. Voronine
- 11. Albert Reina
- 12. Fabio "Stretcher at hand" Aurelio
- 15. Yosseef Massuud Benny-Joon
- 16. Showusyourtits OrIkillyous
- 18. Dick Out
- 19. Rhyming Babel
- 20. Haveyoua Maschedupanus?
- 21. LukeOurSaviour
- 22. Terminated Insuarance
- 23. Jaamie Caaraha I think he said
- 24. Dive'N'Go
- 25. Pepe Riera
- 26. Cue Tip
- 27. Calamity Degen
- 28. Damien
- 29. Kryszszcztián Németh
- 30. Charles Itandjheehee
- 31. Nabil Elzar
- 32. Stephen "How come you prefer Johnson, Degen, Carragher, Kelly and Mascherano to me" Darby
- 34. Kelly
- 36. Croc Hunter
- 37. Hard Boiled Egg With A Felt Tip Frowny Face
- 38. Dossanus
- 39. Manc
- 40. Dani Sanchez Ayala Osasuna Barcelona yadeyadeya
- 41. Martian Hands-On
- 42. Napoleon Dynamite
- 43. Dean "The Aussies Made Him Sound So Good" Bouzanis
- 45. Mikel San José Dominguéz Oswaldo Mallorca yadeyadeya
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