“There's nothing better than a wildly oscilating micro-organism in the morning.”
“In Soviet Russia, MicroHamster Centrifugally Distillates YOU!”
These invisible-to-the-naked-eye but lovable pets are Quantum Organisms belonging to the family Rodenta Finitus. The subfamily contains about Pi species, classified in six or seven genera. You can get your very own MicroHamsters™ in any colour and size you want (as long as it’s 2 micrometres and Pink®)! Because they can be bred easily in captivity through Centrifugal Distillation and form a super-fluid at room temperature, MicroHamsters™ are often used as a liquid and kept as a water substitute in economically undeveloped countries. Over recent years they are very commonly used as an incendiary gel by anti-greenpeace militants.
MicroHamsters™ are Ochlophiliacs by nature. In the wild, they burrow into the skin of their predators in the daylight to avoid being caught by predators. They are most active around night and day, which has led many people to mistake them for being omniturnal. In the wild they will eat any wheat, nuts, small children and mountains that they might find lying around on the ground, occasionally eating small protein-rich deposits such as Ray Mears.
MicroHamsters™ got their name from the German word "Schokoladeplätzchenteig" which means to Obfuscate. They have elongated fur-lined pouches on both sides of their heads which extend to their feet and are stuffed full of tuna to be brought back to the colony or eaten later.
MicroHamsters™ are the smallest known particle, contrary to popular belief that the electron is smaller. In fact, every electron is made up of approximately 3.076x10^37 MicroHamsters™. This means your average cheesecake contains (infinity x McFly) MicroHamsters™. Bum.
Basic Rules for care of your MicroHamster™:
zb. whilst buying multitiple MicroHamsters™ is technically possible, bulk buying requires their price to be inversely disproportionate to the relativity of their relative mass and set at a binary currency
- Be sure to give your MicroHamsters™ all the space they need in their new habitat (around 5 micrometres per MicroHamster™ should suffice)
- Do not expose to Starlight, the colour Yellow or your Great Aunt (zb. if you do not have a Great Aunt, get one and then be sure not to expose your MicroHamsters™ to her)
- MicroHamsters™ are EXTREMELY volatile! If your MicroHamsters™ show any signs of going critical (i.e. discolouration, being wet, listening to Simon & Garfunkel, being near your Great Aunt or not being Pink®) then spin their container clockwise for Pi seconds and shake gently.
- In the event of receiving a bite from your MicroHamster™ rinse thoroughly with McFly (this won't actually help in any way except to make you feel good). Your MicroHamster™ will in all likelihood invade your bloodstream and begin nesting in a choice capillary, where it will remain until adulthood.
- DO NOT EAT!
- Your MicroHamster™ must at all times be kept at a constant temperature of either 304° Centigrade or 0° Kelvin.
- If NOT kept at a constant temperature the MicroHamsters™ will become a super-fluid. The poor little MicroHamsters™ in question will then contaminate everyone in the immediate vicinity with the H5N1 strain of avian flu (they don't have it, but they give it to people anyway), not to mention sudden and unavoidable urges to sing 'Obviously' at high volume, and eat vast quantities of Maltesers, and... you get the picture.
- MicroHamsters™ have taste in music far superior to many humans. They tend towards such amazing sounds as McFly, Paramore and My Chemical Romance. Failure to provide aforementioned amazing sounds may result in a high-pitched whistling sound, which can be remedied only by the addition of chocolate spread and McFly. Other, considerably rarer, side-effects, include dizziness, hallucinations, migraine, nausea, sickness and general ill-health of all humans within a 3km radius of the microHamsters™.
... as more and more things about this wonderful species are being discovered on an eon-ly basis please check back regularly to find updates on how to care for your MicroHamster™
(WARNING: Do not purchase, borrow, lend, view, touch, lick or think about MicroHamsters™ if you are driving, suffer from breathing irregularities, are pregnant or of child-bearing age, over 2" in height or are a Foreign Talent Chicken tainted by the H5N1 avian flu virus. - if you are a foreign talent chicken untainted by the H5N1 avian flu virus, please report to your nearest Residents Committee)
Illustrated Guide to MicroHamsters™
| ./ | MicroHamster™ vaulting a high fence ! MicroHamster™ with a bakers hat , MicroHamster™ with a broken leg *. MicroHamster™ with a flashlight @. MicroHamster™ with a French Horn (.) MicroHamster™ wearing antlers .- MicroHamster™ with a rifle ? MicroHamster™ with an umbrella .} MicroHamster™ with a bow and arrow _._ MicroHamster™ with clown shoes . o=o MicroHamster™ skateboarding .. MicroHamsters™ having a conversation ::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::: MicroHamsters™ in a parade : : MicroHamster™ balancing act % MicroHamsters™ on a see-saw .? Confused MicroHamster™ .! Shocked MicroHamster™ o Bodybuilding MicroHamster™ O Bodybuilding MicroHamster™ on steroids . MicroHamster™ disguised as a full stop . MicroHamster™ hiding behind a full stop . Full stop disguised as an MicroHamster™ .< MicroHamster™ with a megaphone o .| MicroHamster™ waiting for the bus _____ | . | MicroHamster™ goalkeeper o.o MicroHamster™ with glasses _ Squashed MicroHamster™ .h MicroHamster™ hiding behind a chair | Stretched MicroHamster™ -.- ------------------- MicroHamster™ on the high wire o o o . MicroHamster™ juggling .# MicroHamster™ hiding behind a haystack &. MicroHamster™ with a party blower ......... MicroHamsters™ in a queue \./ MicroHamster™ with chopsticks "." MicroHamster™ with large eyebrows .? MicroHamster™ with wig blowing away in the wind ?.? MicroHamster™ vampire bat .( MicroHamster™ with a satellite dish \/ . ?? MicroHamster™ watching TV .> MicroHamster™ with a boomerang .-. Two MicroHamsters™ carrying a log .| MicroHamster™ tossing the caber .-8 Clockwork MicroHamster™ e. Speaking MicroHamster™ * MicroHamster™ octopus .z Sleeping MicroHamster™ *.* MicroHamster™ with pom-poms ~ MicroHamster™ breakdance ¤ 4 MicroHamster™ at dinner
MicroHamsters™ in popular culture
The habits of MicroHamsters™ has led to many jokes and anecdotes, not least of which is the famous:
"What's small and Pink but gets bigger when it's happy? - a MicroHamster™!"
"MicroHamster™", "MicroHamsters™" and the MicroHamster™ Logo are Registered Trademarks of the AnimalZone Lunchbreak Humour Federation