Microsoft

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A typical Windows error - in a so-called "dialog" box - some kind of two-way conversation that is...
It is a little known fact that all versions of "Windows" come with preset and unchangeable "Hidden Settings."
WTF!
“In Soviet Russia, Software Programs YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Microsoft
“We love your money!”
~ Microsoft on You
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Microsoft.

Micro$$$oft, also known as Microshit, Microsocks, Mickeysoft, Nazisoft, The Spawn of All Evil, Microshaft and "more evil than Satan himself", and formerly known as Mike-Rowe-Soft, inspired by disciplined structure of a old crow's nest, is a former world domination axed company that now produces nerve cell destroying software. Microsoft has been sucking ass for the past 20 Million Years and will not stop until Apple dies!! According to Andy Braiterman (Bill Gates' college roommate), Microsoft was named after Bill Gate's penis. The destruction first targets the occipital lobe part of the brain, causing you to not see the various crashes and bugs in the system and only see a fake view of a effective computer. sorry you have a virus.... again! you can't this bit

Origins[edit]

The Name Microsoft was first thought up by Bill Gates himself, Bill Gates named Microsoft after his Penis because it was Micro and Always Soft.

History[edit]

File:Microsoft building.jpeg
This is Microsoft's first building. Because it's blue, they used this colour for the BSOD.

Microsoft was founded in 1 BCE (within the release of Windows BC) by a couple of nerdy (really nerdy) Greek gods who couldn't. In 1974, Bill Gates became the emperor of after his splendid initiation ceremony. Since 1995, Microsoft has re-released Windows BC under newer and fancier names on prime years.

This is why the UFP had to change back to Mac on their star ships

Prediction

Nostradamus predicted that Windows will appear.[1] Here is the prediction:
“I see bugs, many bugs, A LOT OF BUGS, CAN'T LOOK ANY MORE!!!”
~ Nostradamus
This was the last prediction of Nostradamus. After seeing all the bugs in Windows, Negrodamus suffered total brain injury and crashed.

New technologies

First success

After a bit of researching for porn and drinking vodka with cocaine they had some ideas:
  • Smash the computer technology
Using the newest bugs and errors, Windows Vista can now anger anyone. Even a peaceful Buddhist. Welsh conspiracy theorist Aled Jones has asserted that this anger inducing quality is a ploy by which Microsoft aims to create a private army that will finally enable it to dominate all space and time.
  • Errors with built-in bugs

Some errors can't be generated because of bugs in the annoying core function in Windows. "These problems will be solved in this millennium," officials say.

  • RSoD

RSoD

RSoD is the ultimate punishment for starting Windows Vista. It is more likely to appear if you use Windows XP. This is because the kernel of Windows Vista is made to become a cataclysmically bugged-in combination with a more stable Windows. If you get this, you are totally screwed and should hang yourself immediately.

Errors[edit]

Dedicated to Tara Newmark Errors have evolved over the years and are appreciated by many critics.

As you see in the following error, Windows has no intelligence at all. So don't bother to ask why it's trying to erase your hard drive.
Proceed.jpg


Windows has lost its mind.
Windos.gif


Windows knows that its own applications damage the computer, so it closes them.
Helpprotect.jpg


Windows has a state-of-the-art software that automatically deletes files you don't need.
Erase C.gif


Windows is eager to help you report problems and find solutions to the problems.
Crazy vista.jpg


The reason "some reason" is in fact the real reason for which the printing failed.
Print.jpg


Sometimes Windows may ask you for help :"Is this is an error or is it not?"
Error blank.png


Just for the sake of consistency.
Previouserror.gif


Finally,the system is working!
Dreamweaver.jpg


Windows is trying to tell you that you entered Microsoft Help. So do not explain why it is letting you get a Mac.
Help.png


That's your problem right there...
Genuine vista error.jpg
The boring WGA Notice...
Wga check.jpg


Microsoft-net-framework-set-up-fail.jpg
Microsoft software is famously well-thought-out and has few bugs.

Operating System Versions[edit]

Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:

  • MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
  • Windows 1912 - released in 1912
  • MS-DOS - a more refined version of the contained MS-UNO GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millennia in front of a computer screen.
  • MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interface
2000 people have died in fatal exception errors in the virtual reality. This was the main weapon in the LOL Wars.[2]
  • Windows BC - Used to record the Rise and Decline of Rome. Infamous for GSoD'ing every tablet it came in contact with.
  • Windows 3.1 - Look It's All Blue!
  • Windows 42 - Just like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation.
  • Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the meantime he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive research and development.
Windows Cement98
  • Windows 98 - The only virus you pay to install on your system.
  • Windows 2000 - It was made to be just like Windows 2010. Instead, it destroyed three other universes.
  • Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery. Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this possibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.
Also, due to its annoying habit of suddenly crashing, no-one has yet successfully used Windows ME.
  • Windows XP - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time (or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports).
An elderly IT tutor at College told me, "It is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at porn sites." Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.
  • Windows Vista- The suckiest version of Windows which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics but does not. Needless to say it is incompatible with most on-board graphics cards. This version offers horrible security, (quality) spyware, 3D, RSoD, trojans and many other great features.
Windows Titanic 98 - Where do you want to sink today?
  • Windows 7- Another big error, Bill Gates wanted to name that version Windows 666 but a bug in MS Word forced him to rename it to Windows 7
  • Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.
  • Windows 2010 - This OSfudgesiclecrashes. Pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL is rumored to "pwn" the hard drive while turning off the PC. To reboot could have dire consequences for all the dark matter in the universe. Only three copies were ever sold, one to a man named Harry Winkler. He managed to wipe out half of Arizona after he tried to install Microsoft Works.
  • Wind0ws n00b - Once installed, it can run one program: "World of Warcraft" it gives you a special ability to PwNzOr big NeWbZ0rZ.
  • Windows Fail Edition - The newest OS of Microshit, it causes random system crashes and BSoDs every 10 seconds. Also the main cause of suicide in many countries.
  • Windows OS X Mountain-soft - Now runs on MS-DOS and C++ and the whole system is a virus.

The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software[edit]

The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics[3]. Throughout the history and versions of Paint (1.0, 2.0, 3.1, 4.0, 5.1 and 6.0 with version 7 to come), it has been a success knocking off CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in Windows. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Alps , Van Gogh and ended up with , Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing moustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.'

Name[edit]

There are many different explanations for Microsoft's name. The main explanation is that Bill Gates named it after his dick on a boring Saturday night. It also might have been after Noel Coward punched Bill Gates in the balls. Or maybe he never did and it was always that way. The world may never know.

Cars[edit]

Micro$oft cars seemed like a good idea, but the prototypes were riddled with problems:

  • Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  • You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
  • Canonical makes a car that's solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only pisses once a day on the Microsoft car.
  • The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights were replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  • It may go crazy....only God knows what's going to happen.
  • New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
  • The car may restart it self, if this happens you are magically teleported back to the begining of your trip.
  • Don't use a iPod or a iPhone in the car, just trust me.
  • The airbag would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  • A BSoD would appear on the windscreen everytime the radiator overheats, ordering you to seek help from a microsoft employee.
  • The navigation system has to reboot every time the car is started.
  • The car would spontaneously stop responding. To fix it, you would have to close all windows, restart the car and for some unknown reason you would not complain about it.
  • The traffic lines ran away from the car.
  • While you are driving the car, it will veer off the road and crash for no apparent reason.
  • We'd all have to switch to Micro$oft Gas (tm).
  • All the neat useful bits like head lights, accelerator pedal, and paint, would come in an optional 'Plus' pack.
  • All your bases and windows will sometimes display the message "All your bases are now belongs to Lolsec!" showing you that Lolsec has hacked your car and is now stealing your data for the common good and using your fake car to host their own data.

The Microsoft Car will be released very soon (in the year 2140).

  • The windows constantly spammed errors which caused crashes. Every window CAN'T spam errors.
                                                                                                        • Error loading error.

Myths[edit]

  • Microsoft tests Windows Vista on unsuspecting persons, 83% died.(99% actually died, Captain Oblivious was the only survivor)
  • Bill Gates hates British people.
  • Bill Gates hates you.
  • Vista has snail speed performance, unless its an alienware or a custom build. Then it runs fast as lightning but tends to electrocute more often.
  • Bill Gates hates the French because they tried to eat Vista.
  • sky.NET was developed to help Microsoft users
  • Recently, Microsoft has shown approval of black people. This has caused Microsoft's stocks to drop drastically.
  • Mar slander was not lost on mars, it just sits there with a BSOD on the display as parts of the coding was used from some unknown version of MS Windows. Scientist were embarassed to learn that the BSOD happened immediately while it dumped its memory all by itself, leaving itself braindead.
  • Microsoft is now taking over the world and killing heavy metal itself. which is why they love Dora Teh Xplora
  • Ragman caused Windows XP

The future of Microsloth[edit]

Eating - MS brand cereal will be "an integrated part of this nutritious breakfast". There will be a free IE CD in every box. It will be fortified with addictive mind altering drugs to keep eaters coming back and installing more MS products.

Breathing - Microsoft will purchase the worlds air supply and replace it with "Active Air"

Sleeping - Dreams will be injected with advertising provided through Microsoft. Your sleep patterns will be sent back to Microsoft for analysis so they can increase the effectiveness of their dream advertising.

Toilets - The amount and content of what you excrete must be registered in the waste management database that is powered by MSIE. Microsoft will use this information to enhance the next version of Windows.

Refrigerators - Your refrigerator will inventory your food supply and automatically order more food using MSIE. It only orders the worst Microsoft foods, and you can not change the settings.

Televisions - Oh, that is here already. Nuts, trying to watch the news and all I get is a blue screen... it must be MSNBC again.

Digital wrist watches - All digital wrist watches must have a personal scheduler, e-mail client, word processor, data base, spreadsheet, 3-d video games, video conferencing, and of course Microsoft's web browser. I'm not sure how you get to the feature anymore, but supposedly they keep time as well.

Clocks - All Microsoft clocks will connect to the internet using MSIE and synchronize with an atomic clock time server.

Time - Microsoft will buy all atomic clocks and then slow them down so they can get the next version of Windows/MSIE out on schedule.

Pants - Pants will have built in MSIE powered computers to inventory the contents of your pockets. Occasionally it electrocutes people if they put their hands in their pockets.

Cars - Browse the web while you drive. And they wonder why these cars crash so often.

Plains - Microsoft airways with Microsoft autopilots? I would rather fly ValueJet!

Trains - Remember the good old days when the trains ran on time? They now run several years behind schedule thanks to Microsoft.

Nuclear warheads - instead of plutonium, nuclear devices will use MSIE(Internet Exploder).

Household pets - animal collars will have built in web cameras so you can monitor your pet over the Internet, but only using MSIE. There will also be "unexplained" reports of these pets spontaneously combusting.

Socks - the new "Win Sock" has built in heating/cooling core and a computer system that uplinks to the National Microsoft Weather center and adjusts temperature depending on the current weather conditions.

Telephones - All telephones will have built-in Microsoft e-mail clients (and a thousand other useless features). Why not just talk to the people?

Star ships (in the far future) - MS1701-D USS Billyprise

Trar Trek TV shows: Star Trek the Microsoft Generation, Star Trek IE 9, and Star Trek Explorer.

Oil - Microsoft will buy up all oil companies and reintroduce Standard Oil.

Batteries - The new "Microgizer" it keeps on crashing and crashing and crashing... still crashing, nothing out crashes like the Microgizer.

Children's toys. (Oh, they already did that!) Assimilating children ages 2-6.

TV Dinners - Microsoft introduces "Web TV Dinners". Don't forget to read that restrictive EULA, you may only microwave these in Microsoft Active Microwaves.

Jell-O - there's always room to integrate Jell-O.

Sex toys - Microsoft introduces the Billdo, which lets you have ActiveSex over the Internet. But watch out for those macro viruses!

Micro-Soft women's underwear - Even Bill himself wears it.

Microsoft light bulbs - They last about 10 minutes and burn out in a big blue flash, and they can't be removed or replaced because they are integrated in to the light sockets for the benefit of the consumer.

They brought you wallpaper for your computer desktop, and now for your HOUSE! It comes in Windows logos and MSIE logos, but remember once you put up Microsoft wallpaper it becomes an integrated component of your house and can not be removed.

The Great War of 2012[edit]

How Microsoft deals with complaints.
As Bill Gates prepared his army of M$-Robots to invade North Korea, Apple were developing their robots, iClones, and sent them after Microsoft. All hell broke loose with BSoDs flying everywhere and roundhouse kicks in the air. Until after the 6th day of the 6th hour and the 66th minute, Jesus (King of the Grues), started Armageddon reminiscient of a Worms game. There was death all around and only 1 M$-Robot and 1 iClone survived, and they agreed on switching to Linux, and had a happy marriage.

Working for Microsoft[edit]

Getting a job at Microshit is very difficult. To even qualify, you must be a native born, born and raised, and you must be willing to work for no more than $3.00 a day along with talking on a phone. However, sometimes Microshit is generous and will also hire people from Mexico(only if they have swine flu), the Philippines, and many other popular countries where American Jobs are outsourced.

If you are qualified to become an employee for Microsoft, you must pass a very rigorous and dangerous obstacle course. Candidates are sent to Microsoft headquarters to the river Styx in Hell. A round of interviews takes place there, with amazingly hard questions being asked, such as:

  • How many billions has Bill Gates spent on charity? 85% of his income. What did charity do in return for this?... You didn't think nerds could lose their virginity on will did you?
  • Where do you see Google in 5 years? (Answer - Google will see ME)
  • Design the 9 square feet (836127 square millimeter) office you'll have to work on. How would it be different if you were blind? Or deaf? Or mute? What if you didn't have hands? Or feet? What about all of those things together?
  • OK remember... you will have only one computer to work on for the rest of your life! Choose an OS:

After all of the written testing, you are then given a DNA test to find out whether or not you are a human. This is to keep away all apples and penguins from working for Microsoft. After that, candidates are hired or not, depending on their luck. If they are hired, Microsoft will provide an extensive package of perks, such as 5% discounts to buy any Microsoft products, one T-shirt and a free DVD from Disney (the free DVD only cost $14.99 with shipping and handling!).

Products[edit]

Most new computers come standard with a quality word processor.
The enormous success Windows Vista was met with in terms of sales is often attributed to Microsoft's superb marketing strategies.
Microsoft's flagship software development product for computer programmers: "Visual Studio"

Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:[edit]

Products currently in development:[edit]

  • Microsoft thaiPod
  • Microsoft Longtongue.
  • Microsoft Jihad
  • Microsoft special porno edition
  • Microsoft e x t e n d e d edition
  • Microsoft Expeliarmus
  • Microsoft Black (for those who wish they were white)
  • Microsoft Works (abandoned after incompatibility in the name)
  • Class-5 Hydrogen/Uranium Fission Reactor (only available in Japan and suburbs of Los Angeles)
  • Skynet
  • Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower V 1.0
  • Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower V 2.0
  • Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower X
  • Windows WeCantBeBotheredToMakeUpAnyMoreNamesSoThisIsGoodEnough
  • Pear Linguini
  • Spaghetti (abandonned because not enough test subjects got electrified)
  • Windows 8
  • IE9 in beta
  • IE10
  • Xbox 720
  • Windows 9
  • Xbox 360 portable
  • Xbox 720 portable

See also[edit]

Notes and references[edit]

  1. The Satanic Bible
  2. Deathcount and statistics 1999.
  3. Forbes magazine 2002.




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