Middlesex County, New Jersey
“Are you serious? There is a county called Middlesex?”
“I always get fucking lost and I have lived here my whole life! Sometimes even in my own town bro!”
“Yo, we got the best fat sandwiches and da sickest woods parties.”
“Driving around here is almost a death wish nowadays. We are in favor of raising the Driving Age to 25 now.”
What's that smell?
The [email protected]#$%^& of Middlesex County, New Jersey
Middlesex County, New Jersey
|Motto: "What do you think I am? A fucking asshole?"|
|Anthem: "Face down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck"|
New Jersey's location in the U.S.
|Capital||New Brunswick. And its not Canada you fucking idiot.|
|Largest city||Your mother|
|Official language(s)||If it was English, there would be lawsuits up the ass.|
|National Hero(es)||They left and never came back|
|Population||Almost a Million toxic residents|
|Major exports||Your garbage|
|Major imports||Their garbage|
|Most famous history pertaining to the U.S.A.||Rutgers winning the very first collegiate football game but had losing seasons for the next century.|
|Intelligence||Blue Ribbon Schools. Do not ask questions!|
|Length of work hours||Whatever the Union says|
|Literacy rate||East Brunswick helps the county statistically.|
|Cricket. Damn Indians.|
Middlesex County is known to be as "the greatest county in the land; filled with subdivisions, industrial blight, Superfund Epicenter and lyme disease infected woodlands" is located in cultural central New Jersey but is geographically in north Jersey. There is still an on-going fight amongst politically correct people and the uneducated blue collared population on where the county falls under. Middlesex County is also known as sexual indecisiveness, white trash, India West, China East, Exits 8A through 12, Exits 120 through 131, what county is Middlesex County?, Brunswick, Rutgers, central Jersey and the Edgeboro Landfill.
- 1 History
- 2 Boroughization
- 3 Disambiguation
- 4 Transportation
- 5 Education
- 6 Demographics
- 7 Sports
- 8 Arbitrariness
- 9 Cuisine
- 10 Sale of Barbie & Ken Dolls
- 11 Today
- 12 Municipalities
- 13 Attractions
- 14 See Also
- 15 External links
Founded by the Crapiel Dynasty of the 1600s, it founded Middlesex County on the principles that all sexual orientation of indigenous people and transplants (mostly New Yorkers) can live in peace and harmony. This was very progressive for this time period in the world. Today's West and East Windsor townships in Mercer County broke away from Middlesex County from the East/West Jersey line because it was once a homophobic area due to the Quaker civilization. Ironically, many homosexuals today live in this area due to its white collared presence that attracts many unreported bi-sexual married men living in McMansions with their materialistic snooty wives and pampered spoiled children.
Prior to the tumor-spreading boroughization of the late 1800s and early 1900s, New Jersey was strictly townships and cities. When it came to the realization that boroughs can handle themselves and not need any more assistance from farming areas, it formed many boroughs. This was reportedly the first wasteful spending in the state of New Jersey. Today, this is the cause of massive debt, duplicate services and an epidemic number of hypocrites. With the exception of an oligarchy appointing people without votes from the public, nepotism rates in Middlesex County exceeds the state average and is second highest in the entire country. This has lead to the PBA headquarters being located in Woodbridge to maintain the boroughization of forming many police unions.
Middlesex County, New Jersey was the first in the United States. Not snobby Connecticut, liberal Massachusetts and police-state Virginia as some may claim. Statistically, there are more transvestites walking out of the county prison on the shoulder of Route 130 than the other Middlesex Counties in other states combined alone. Also, it is in between Virginia and Massachusetts. The Crapiel Dynasty could not be happier!
The government of Middlesex County in Massachusetts has been eliminated (except for pensions, of course!) and marketeers refer to that part of the state vaguely as "Metro-West" Boston. For more information on that area--go somewhere else.
The county provides exceptional north-south through traffic to get rid of the New Yorkers as quickly as they receive them from the Arthur Kill River. However, Middlesexer residents suffer from a lack of east-west roads expediting trips back and fourth. It has been tradition to take almost an hour to traverse from the western part of the county to the eastern end of the county taking shitty county roads. You are expected to drive under the speed limit, cars weave in an out of their lane and turn signal usage although the highest in the state, uses it very very late.
Major north-south roads include
- The New Jersey Turnpike - Simply put. If you need to get the hell out of dodge, this road is for you.
- Garden State Parkway - The official Guido-Guidette highway to get you down the shore the quickest way. If you are under 40 years old, you do not know that County Road 527 is the secret short-cut.
- US Route 1 - New and improved with red light cameras and illegal jersey right passing opportunities
- US Route 130 - Cops will rip you a new asshole for speeding.
Major east-west roads include
- Interstate 287 - If it was not for this road, the state would be majorly screwed.
- Route 440 - Middlesex County's scenic freeway. The original concrete has never been fixed which is all busted up, toxic Short-Pitched pine trees not protected by Pinelands legislation and an abnormal high rate of New York motorists missing their exit causing multiple accidents trying to exit onto the Garden State Parkway. Approximately 10,000 innocent New Jersey motorists die in Middlesex County alone every year from New Yorkers mis-using their GPS technology and simply not paying attention to big overhead green signs for the Garden State Parkway.
- County Road 522 - County built, township maintained in South Brunswick. The four lane road with traffic volumes has much lower than the state average. It has been reported that late at night, kickball tournaments take place on this roadway. East of Jamesburg, there is a deer shortage because 80% of motorists kill them all off. Monroe Township leads the state in new car sales because of this.
- Un-built Route 92 - Currently used for ATV Trails, Jimmy Hoffa speculation, flood control and a higher than state average level of Carbon Monoxide fume cloud poisoning the Route 92 corridor by idled vehicles moving the air pollution from Routes 1 and 130 into this area. Apparently, the Ultra Catholic League is angry over South Brunswick township for not allowing the highway to be built but also, allowing mosques throughout the town.
The Northeast Corridor is a high speed rail line shared by NJ Transit and Amtrak. If you are an idiot, you take an Amtrak train to NYC and spend four times more money than NJ Transit. Rail service to NYC is competitive with driving into the city. Rail service to Philadelphia takes longer than the train to Washington DC. Critics claim that the demographics of transplant black-Americans from the south want to get to Washington DC faster or they would cry discrimination. Black organizations like the NAACP found legal ground to file complaints about the Northeast Corridor (somehow). If the legal ruling stands, Amtrak must be forced to service buttered grits, extra buttered collared greens and extra syrupy Sweet Tea. What may stop this is the ancient Quaker Law that prohibits butter and sugar onto food staples in the Garden State. The court case is still pending.
The second rail line is the North Jersey Coast Line that follows the Lower New York Bay and eventually joins the Northeast Corridor. Taking this rail line is a pleasure to find the county's best sleaze and somehow contract an STD from sitting down one of the seats. Reportedly, this is from the Guido's and Guidette's frequenting the Jersey shore in Belmar. Snookie first STD was reportedly from a ripped out blood stained seat.
Due to its large blue collared nature, it is far below the state average in intelligence. However since new nationalities have spawned in the county, it has skewed the numbers into making it one of the smartest counties in the state. Despite improvements, there has never been a change in common sense and judgment which it is ranked dead last in the state. And quite possibly in the northeast, east coast and the entire country. Middlesexers are resilient in skewing things more. They somehow all get into Middlesex County College, then a state university, graduate and then most find jobs. If not, they live off their parents and work service jobs. Later, they know someone that can get them a high paying job with no qualifications. This has strengthened nepotism and home rule powers to an all time high.
All municipalities provide their own school system and their own administration for top-notch schools in the entire country. Taxpayers who own property in the county take it up the ass very hard so their children can get a very good education. Blue balled ribbon schools are known for excellence in Education and high performance standards. East Brunswick is the first municipality due to the high number of Jews and Chinese young students scoring well by natural phenomenons and getting their scrawny asses kicked by their local church and family members. North Brunswick is the other blue ball ribbon school for their robotics creativity creating ways to manage everyday living to increase sedentary lifestyles. It is no wonder that many of the county's diners has many morbidly obese people. Diners have reported many broken chairs and chairs being stolen by the obese Middlesexers walking out of the diner with the chair stuck up their asses.
Middlesex County College, a two year school and voted one of the best in the entire country with no reason why. It continues to grow and is becoming close to being a university. It is the largest recipient of STD carried students transferring to Kean or Rutgers. It also has the largest illegal immigrant population in the entire country paying in-county rates.
Non credited technical schools, they exist solely to waste your money and make you feel like you are smarter. But more than half of the students who graduate still cannot find a job. When students find a job 1.5 years later, their qualifications will later be obsolete. The employer fires the new employees and then are forced to go back to the Technical School to re-learn what they learned before. Parent Outlet New Jersey reports that many people in their 20's go back home and work at the diners to help their parents pay off the $11,000 a year property tax bill as subsidized rent.
GeographyHelpingNewJerseyOneIgnorantSoulAtATime (GHNJOISAAT) [pronounced gonorrheashit] polled Middlesex County residents for their knowledge of Geography. Middlesexers ranked 21st in the state for Geography Knowledge. 10 sample questions asked many 18 year and 40 year old's on where everything is located. This included the following:
- At 97% - thought Tennessee was the state of North Carolina.
- At 96% - thought Myrtle Beach is in North Carolina
- At 95% - thought New Jersey was an island.
- At 94.5% - thought Middlesex County included only the following: New Brunswick, Edison, East Brunswick, Belmar, Newark, Great Adventure and Staten Island.
- At 93% - never heard of Plainsboro or the borough of Middlesex
- At 92.9% - Are confident that US Route 1 ends at Quakerbridge Mall and at Newark Airport.
- At 92.5% - Was asked if they assumed the map is north facing only if the mall is pointed the right way from their favorite parking spot.
- At 91% - thought New Jersey had 563 counties and 21 municipalities.
- At 89% - Did not know that they get their drinking water from the Raritan River
- At 88% - Can locate all three malls in the county confidently from their house but also all answered that they get lost going home if a detour is given if US Route 1 or Route 18 is ever closed.
- At 87% - Did not know Puerto Rico was a U.S. territory.
As of 2011; religion make as follows:
- Catholic - at least 75% secular but increasing rapidly. Faithful Catholics are less than 2% which includes no pre-marital sex.
- Hindu - 596772655209878293750239758943235% . Actual legal immigrant population is 0.5%.
- Buddhist - None reported but unreported is very high. Nobody talks.
- Baptist - Small enclave in New Brunswick and the Piscataway/Plainfield border. All railroad refugees. Sweet tea is only served in homes with broken windows and dirt floors.
- Methodist - 24%. At least they are honest
Traditionally, the county was white up until the 1960s when the King was shot in Memphis, Tennessee. That was a turning point where inner cities like New Brunswick and Perth Amboy began to see darker skinned colors and new languages spoken such as Ebonics, Spanish and Portuguese. Somehow in the 1980s when the nation of India was learning capitalism with farmers selling their land and then bringing capital into the United States, the wonderful county of Middlesex offered a pilot program to allow them to use their capital to run all convenience stores.
Then in the 1990s, Chinese refugees made it to Middlesex County to form little neighborhoods allover Edison. The introduction of capturing stray black cats from New Brunswick to prepare Chinese food is a secret ingredient on why it is good. New Brunswick cat's are very rich in Antifreeze, Depository Sludge from sewage treatment plants upstream from the Raritan River and consumption of used condoms filled with semen. Middlesexers have enjoyed Chinese food so much that many more restaurants opened up allover the county. This is likely why many of the population have turned into mutants by unexpected yelling at people on the street. Not limited also to random high beaming and honking the horn at drivers for no apparent reason. This ranks only below Bowery Street in the lower east side of New York City for all-time degenerate contemporary homo-sapiens.
Then in the 2000s and into the 2010s, more Indians came than the Census could ever count. Mexicans are not the only demographic to violate fire codes. The difference is, Indians do not get caught because they own the house. Mexicans get caught because they do not own the house.
All sports followed are New York and New Jersey everything except in few areas. Following Philadelphia sports is a death wish north of Route 18. Philadelphia Eagle fans are reportedly in large numbers in South Brunswick and Plainsboro but come out only when Giant fans do not make the playoffs. Sports played by Middlesexers are cricket, basketball, baseball, hockey, football and illegal drag racing on the Garden State Parkway. For college sports, there were no Middlesexer fans until 2007 when Rutgers Football was good for the first time since the 1800s.
Since suburbanization which lead to complaining New Yorkers, the logic and common sense from the county of Middlesex has diminished greatly by the decade. Although this is a common cause throughout New Jersey, Middlesex County has its special cases. This is because it has to be good at being more unreasonable than the neighboring county to be recognized. This is not limited to speed limit assignments. One example would be West Greystone Road in Old Bridge being 25mph but County Road 527 being 50mph on the same type of roadway.
You can get anything you want from this county. However, the county freeholders started another backfired pilot program where if something is not offered in the land of Middlesex, a business can be opened tax free and interest free loans. Requirements include, no U.S. citizenship, expired VISA and at least one deportation. Independent research conducted by East Stroudsberg State University indicates that overcrowded single family homes have resulted in many new and failed businesses in the county. Whether they succeed or not, the illegal immigrants deemed by the U.S. government are considered legal in Middlesex County only if they are signed into the pilot program.
All food establishments are required to make Pork Roll sandwiches by the Middlesex Purity Act of 1969. The Fuck You Non-Purity Act of 1971 later passed to exempt complaining Jewish Delicatessens and Indian owned food establishments. Failure to comply will result in that restaurant being fined $1000 a day. The owner of the restaurant will be summoned to go to Trenton to work at Spamlor Ham Incorporated as community service. Then they will be forced to watch a poor quality VHS tape on the history of Taylor Ham and must make a 95% passing grade.
Sale of Barbie & Ken Dolls
In the mid 2000s, black market play toys with no-name brand names were sold at Flea Markets, Ethnic Festivals and several illegally operating Bodegas. These were play toys that did not reach its full potential in the market because nobody knew where that town was from not knowing it was Middlesex County (refer to Geography ignorance). The intent of them is to polarize what kind of people in each town are like. Not all 26 municipalities were included but were later lumped in. The county raided every place that sold these dolls due to no tax compensation for the county, no royalties for pissing off ethnic groups, no official "Crapiel" logo (see Middlesex County history) and became a fire & choking hazard that led to many house fires.
- Colonia (Woodbridge) Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Second to the East Brunswick barbie doll, you won't be able to afford any of them.
- Cranbury/Plainsboro Barbie Doll - A woman in her 40s with Princeton stickers on her BMW SUV. Wears Banana Republic clothing, has a fake Philadelphia accent and has a red rash down the genital area. This is due to the Cranbury/Plainsboro Ken Doll messing around with other married white collared men. Kids are sold separately because they cost more than the Ken and Barbie Doll.
- East Brunswick Barbie Doll - This one you cannot afford. Everything is sold separately. It is a Jewish woman who starts out with no clothes but requires you to buy all of the clothes for the doll, must be fed, a toy car sold separately must be bought and it must be a Lexus. Everything must be kosher by the local Synagogue. Rewards of the Barbie doll if treated right only before marriage if you want to marry the Barbie doll is that it provides the best oral sex for toy owners. The play doll mysteriously opens its mouth wide enough to satisfy any. One size fits all!
- Edison Barbie Doll - This one is a nasty cunt. She is half Italian and Irish. Has wrinkled skin from numerous sun tanning sessions, wears sweat pants, an Edison PD T-Shirt and reeks alcohol from too many wine coolers.
- Fords-Hopelawn (Woodbridge) Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want nor need a Ken doll. If you purchase two Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free
- Highland Park Barbie - Comes complete with perfect hair and nails, long black skirt (white socks), scarf, and a 1996 Ford Station wagon with wood paneling. Rabbi Ken and his 8 sons all sold separately.
- Jamesburg Barbie - Enough said she has nothing no car, man or teeth. Comes with ripped jeans and tank top. Mouth that would make a trucker blush and smells like stale Budweiser and no-frills cigarettes. Has three kids calling her mommy and each one calls someone else daddy. Undergarments optional.
- Laurence Harbor (Old Bridge) Barbie - Has no fear of men because she lives in a town where the men are men and sheep are afraid. If purchased in Monmouth County, the Cliffwood Beach Barbie drives an old pick up truck and comes with a clam rake and 12 inch boat, a claming boat that is.
- Monroe Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell Phone included, headset sold separately.
- North Brunswick Ken Doll - A quarter Italian, Black, Hispanic and German. It looks so fucked up that it has a guido accent, wears Timberland Boots, wears a white T-shirt with gold chains and eats a ball park hot dog. Press the button and the doll talks. It says "What the fuck you lookin' at?". As the battery dies, it starts going from an Italian dialect, Ebonic, Hispanic and then German because by then, the one-time use battery is dead.
- New Brunswick Barbie Doll - This one is easy to buy, expensive to maintain. It is black woman with 6 children and one on the way, strong Ebonic dialect and has a pocket knife to cut you at any time. It has a strong odor that cannot be used in the dishwasher. Makes a great gift for protecting yourself while in a parking lot at a mall. Next best thing to mace!
- Perth Amboy Barbie Doll - A Puerto Rican slut that wears a NY Yankees T Shirt, jeans with holes, drives a beat up 1984 Honda Civic with expired Pennsylvania tags and steals everything from you. Watch out for the two children that comes with the doll. They will steal your money and/or work in a restaurant and save up their money. Go down to Puerto Rico, blow it all away and then come back and work at the restaurant again and again.
- Piscataway-Middlesex Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
- Old Bridge Barbie - Just a plain old slut. You can only buy her in the summer. She is the doll that wears make up on the beach. Comes with Beach wear and mustang convertible. Cannot include a Ken doll with this one she has a new Ken each night
- South Brunswick Ken Doll - An Anglo Saxon man who tries to dress country but has an awkward New York and Philadelphia accent. Comes with wrangler jeans, municipal clothing and a pack of Marlboros. Also available with a mobile home courtesy of the Monmouth Trailer Park.
- Sayreville Ken Doll - A mid 20's unemployed eastern European American guy who lives with his parents. He is constantly on the PlentyOfFish dating website looking to score a piece of ass. He claims that he has a full time job working at Goldman Sachs. Instead, he has 7 STD's and will have 6 other girlfriends on the side. Criminal Record documentation is included with the purchase of the doll that includes 3 DWIS, 2 Arrest Warrants and $30,000 in debt from a bad night of gambling in Atlantic City.
- South River Barbie - This gum chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of South River Pub Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top.
Middlesex County is a vibrant area with rich diversity if Indians and Chinese are fully embraced by others (usually out of towners). The perspectives of German and Italian born Middlesexers disagree however because its quality of life is affected. Mexicans are happy because they have a job but everyone is upset at them for national reasons except business owners. Virtually every municipality has a large immigrant population due to irresponsible pilot programs by the county and the lack of enforcement in general. Traffic congestion is ranked dead last in the state for mobility, not for roads jamming up but the road network being a spaghetti catastrophe with inconsistent planning allowing subdivisions to pop up anywhere on local farm-to-market roads not being able to handle 10 times more traffic than it can allow. The county has a simple solution to that and that is to add wide shoulders to make the road feel safer and people can drive faster on the shitty 8 foot travel lanes it offers. Population trends are expected to grow amongst illegal aliens and foreigners with large capital. This means that the Anglo Saxon and western European population will be either eradicated or mixed in with other new races.
- Carteret aka Exit 12 - Degenerates and desperate New Yorkers trying to find cheap rent too close to the city.
- Cranbury - It hates you and does not welcome you. It wants to stay at its current native population of 3000 legal residents.
- Dunellen - Nepotism certified. Uncles daughter is taken by third uncle's cousin's son.
- East Brunswick - You can't afford it unless you are a descendant of Murray Alpertstein. Largest penny depository at local banks on the east coast are in the township.
- Edison - Half ass services provided at a premium property tax bill. Corruption 101 courses is taught at the municipal building on how to cheat the system and take advantage of people.
- Highland Park - The worst of Edison, Piscataway, New Brunswick and other people are put in this town. It has a city attitude with traffic and parking issues without the density. Prerequisite in this town is you must be Jewish, black or a eastern European economic refugee that wants to open up a failed business.
- Helmetta - Tobacco Snuff Mill now an empty building. Large number of empty cool whip cans are allover the building from kids getting high.
- Jamesburg - A town on the brink of passing a resolution to make Spanish the official language of the town
- Metuchen - New Yorkers tell other New Yorkers they are from Metuchen but say its in NY cause it sounds NY enough. And its on the train line but they lie which one it is on. They say its Metro North or LIRR.
- Middlesex Borough - Just some 3 mile piece of shit on Route 28 that people often forget its there
- Milltown - If you do not drive 30mph through Main Street, you will be given a half dozen summonses. If you do not eat their highly acclaimed Wings, you have not lived life yet. If you have ran the red light on either Booream or Kuhlthau Avenue, the Milltownie po-lice will ram into your car and claim it was your fault.
- Monroe - If you are not Jewish or Italian, you are marked in this town.
- New Brunswick - Condemning the ghetto for college buildings, over-priced condos and close to becoming the state's first white only inner city.
- North Brunswick - Fast growing ghetto and Mt Laurel Act I, II and III friendly. Used to be authentically Italian and before that, authentically German and before that, Authentically Lenape Indian.
- Old Bridge - All roads are 25mph or less unless otherwise posted.
- Perth Amboy aka Puerto Amboy - If you do not speak English, you will not be given service.
- Piscataway - If it was not for River Road, there is virtually nothing nice about this lost cause of a place.
- Plainsboro - Wishes to be out of Middlesex County
- Sayreville - The 10% of New Jersey that is considered a wasteland. Easiest town to find the easiest women and most psychotic men stalking women on Plentyoffish.
- South Amboy - New Jersey's largest white trash municipality due to an Irish pub on every corner. In order to get the full South Amboy experience, you get laid by a fat white Irish chick, roller skating at the local rink by the white trash local's kids running into you and then blaming you for negligence and wants to sue you and you get your ass kicked by a local bar fight.
- South Brunswick - State's strongest NIMBYism, abnormal Carbon monoxide death rates from the cancelled Route 92 project and people claiming they are from Princeton based on their mailing address but ashamed to admit they live in South Brunswick (and/or people don't know where it is).
- South River - Large vermin in a rotisserie at a Brazilian rodizo grille, Polish and Hispanic groups mixed into a new race with no name and gnarly elevation makes South River a nightmare to drive during an ice storm
- South Plainfield - Wants to secede to Union County because the county freeholders keep forgetting they are a part of the county.
- Spotswood - The loner borough in the county but home to great High School football and first class hospitality in a prison cell for drinking and driving.
- Woodbridge - One of New Jersey's worst towns by New Yorkers taking it over as early as the 1930s. They even got rid of a cool Cloverleaf Interchange. The country's first gay governor is from Woodbridge and has a jersey righting problem when he suspects gay police officers will pull him over
- Harbourtowne in Perth Amboy - You can watch the falling concrete from the Outerbridge Crossing fall onto your head for instant murder-death-kill. There is no way to get monetary compensation or bridge repairs because it is owned by the nation of New York state under the bi-state agency of the Port Authority of NY/NJ when it is owned 99.9% by the state of New York.
- Route 92 - ATV Trails are blazed by people trespassing on NJ Turnpike property. It is considered legal until caught by the Nazi Trench-coat NJSP.
- NJ Turnpike - Drag racing is open after 11pm only in the Truck Lanes
- Washington Rock State Park - Dunellen is claiming they own the land.
- Downtown New Brunswick on George Street - Hispanic transvestites have a five star rating for versatility.
- Clara Barton - The county's newest pilot program failure. Find weird cuisine and empty new buildings. Then give up on Clara Barton and never come back to it.
- Menlo Park Mall - If you are white, you will be a minority. But you will be the only person not spending money, the other people will over you. But on a Friday night, the white population soars over the Indians with bratty clueless high school girls majority.
- Woodbridge Mall - Elderly mall and slightly more sophisticated. But as soon as you walk out, a New Yorker backs up into your car and say it is your fault!
- Brunswick Square Mall - New Jersey's "shittest" nicest mall. At least its better than Ocean County Mall
- West Greystone Road, Old Bridge - Drive the 25mph posted speed limit (which should be a minimum of 45mph) and have people tailgate you and be too pussy to pass you on a double line by being a law abiding citizen. A Middlesex County tradition to never pass on the left but Jersey right you on a very narrow shoulder. Most motorists end up in the ditch doing that.
- Any bar in Milltown - Good wings, blue collared men who tell you how it is but you cannot understand their perfectly spoken English, middle aged woman who rather want you dead because you somehow ruined their life and cops waiting at every corner to make sure you used your turn signals whether it was correct or not.
- Downtown Cranbury - Rolling your O's like a Philadelphia accent will get you the inside gossip of the town and discounts on sales. "Tawking" like a New Yorker prompts business owners to charge double prices to make money and then try to get rid of you by parking tickets and towing your car.
- Cheesequake State Park - Making illegal driving maneuvers to save money on the Garden State Parkway for toll evasion and improper access. Also, you can see nontoxic short pitched pine trees because it is south of the Raritan River.
- South Plainfield in general - Driving your car through their roads will be the next cheapest thing to a roller coaster ride at Great Adventure.
- Carteret - First marijuana dispensary to be opened when the state ever legalizes it for sale.
- New Yorkers. Oh god.. oh godddd... they are like cockroaches. They are everywhere!
- Poor people. This is due to the property tax burden.
- Dissolving New Jersey's state charter. Maybe it should join Pennsylvania?
- Mafia. Concrete companies and pizzerias is the county's only legitimate bread and butter now.
- Jon Bon Jovi. He is from Sayreville but he would never want to tell anyone that.
- David Copperfield. Originally from Metuchen. Now if he can make Metuchen disappear from the face of the Earth, he would be a real magician.
- Italians. Too fucking many of them.
- Jews. Even worse than the Italians.
- Puerto Ricans. An Embassy is being considered on Smith Street in Perth Amboy. This is so they can get wonderful industrial views of Sayreville.
- Portuguese. They are building a better Embassy than the dirty Puerto Ricans on the corner of Water and High Streets in Perth Amboy. There, they will get a scenic view of the Arthur Kill River and Tottenville, Staten Island.
- Indians. Taking over all of the neighborhood businesses, buying a house next door to you, five Volkswagen cars hogging up all of the parking spaces and then the neighborhood smells like curry.