Midget arson

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February 23, 2020 at 08:34What makes midget arson so unique is the fact that many midgets are needed to commit the crime, when normally one human can pull off the deed.

The procedure for midget arson goes like this: Each midget stands on the shoulders of the next, creating a midget ladder for the final midget to climb up with the required explosives in hand (note - it is advised that the fattest, or stockiest midget stands at the bottom). By combining the heights of at least three midgets, the final explosive wielding midget can reach a height which is suitable for throwing explosives through windows etc etc. Once the explosive has been thrown and detonated, the midget ladder should (in theory) collapse in reverse order, leaving the midgets enough time to run away.

Midget arson great Sir Edward McShortstuff was a pioneer of the practice and the main cause for it's growing appeal.

This technique was used widely during bloody (but entertaining) midget/homosapien conflict of 1278, where (due to appaling sword technique and height differences) millions of humans went around with no legs below the knees and millions of midgets had their scalps shaved off.

It is sad to note at this point that many of the explosive wielding midgets are usually sacrificed at the moment of explosion (being top of the ladder and all that), and so the position of chief midget arsenist is one of the most highly regarded (and best paid) jobs in all of midgetland. Some infamous Chief Midget Arsenists of the past include 'Pedegrim the nearly brave', 'Ralph the small' and 'Sionadog the even smaller'


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