Midland, Michigan

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MIDLAND, Michigan was founded in 1692 by Jublix Henry Dow, an amorphous blob made mostly of slime and sludge with many piercing red eyes. Dow was attracted by the natural deposits of brine, napalm, and Agent Orange beneath Midland's fertile soil, and by the lovely deep brown hue of the air. Dow enslaved the local Trolls and forced them to construct his citadel of death on the banks of the Tittabawassee River, along with the Tridge. Having run out of natives to torment, Dow founded the Dow Chemical Company in order to spread his misery across the many worlds and alternate dimensions.

"THE CITY OF MODERN EXPLORERS": During the 1960s the city of Saginaw forced integration on their citizens, en masse all of the white aristocrats journeyed through rough terrain landing in Midland. Still to this day, Midland receives preppies, W.A.S.Ps and yuppies from areas throughout the region that are getting too "dark."


Since the majority of the population is made up of Trolls, it is fairly common for this page to be edited by them. They will post about their uninteresting drinking stories, often ending with someone shitting on someones sofa, and will make horrific inside jokes that even when taken in context are not worth a small pile of fish kidneys.

In an effort to maintain the "Accuracy" and "Subversiveness" of this page, the Midland Department of Factual Integrity and the Midland Prude Society has employed a local Mole man to keep the page tidy. He says he is named Calvin, but no one really cares.


According to the Michigan Census Bureau, the city has a total area of 9,000,000 cubic wulongs. 10% of this is land, 10% of it is napalm, 10% is DDT, 10% is Saran Wrap, 10% is styrofoam, 10% is Agent Orange, 10% is silicone, and 30% crushed dreams.

The city is located in what is known as the "Dow Bubble." The "Dow Bubble" is the phenomenon that affects any region in close proximity to the Dow Chemical Company. It has been known to prevent snowfall when every other school system in the region declares a snowday. It has also been known to cause extremely high infection rates of the disease known as 'Conservativism', or 'Republicanism'.


According to the Census of 2000, Midland is 80% Republicans, 10% Trolls, and 10% Gilda the Golden Skeleton. A happy turtle was also spotted, but it turned out be a drawing.

In 1994 the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was born. He died shortly thereafter of cancer.

According to data provided by the Michigan Census Bureau, Midland holds the prestigious title of having the highest ratio of over-payed, wealthy, degree-holding executives to unemployed persons in relation to any other city in the continental United States at 8,213,134 to one.


The majority of the population is employed by the international Dow Chemical Company.

City Motto[edit]

"Cancer cures smoking." - Shit covered billboard

"It must have been an out-of-towner." - Midland Police Department

"If the girls here were any easier, they'd be dead!" - Midland High students

"We can't all be stuck up assholes, wait..." - Dow High students

Sites of Interest[edit]

  • "The Family of People frozen in carbonite." A monument built by the Dow company in order to flaunt their technological ability to coat people in metal and not kill them.
  • "The Dow Chemical Company" - Pangalaxtic headquarters and home to the Dow Chemical Citadel of Death
  • "Midland High School - They have black people, and those who aren't think they are.
  • "H.H. Dow High School" - They don't have Black people.
  • "Oscar's" - Pay twice as much as you should for liver disease, and later, stop by Lil' Chef for a cheap, low quality clogged artery.
  • "Alden B. Dow Burning Pile of Tires"
  • "Grace A. Dow Mountain of Severed Heads"
  • "The Tridge" - a hideous hydra-headed construct created in order to more efficiently guide the troll serfs of the Dow Chemical Company to their appointed tasks. It's a bridge with three sides! Most amazing thing ever!
  • "Midland Center for the Arts." An architectural monstrosity mostly known for traumatizing Kurt Vonnegut (as dramatized in his novel Breakfast of Champions). The Center is also noted for the random placement of lights in the lobby, as each time architect Alden B. Dow fell down drunk, he pointed up and said "put a light there".

Fund raising is ongoing for a brick statute of Mr. Dow to be placed at the front of the building. Whether or not he will be holding his signature flask of paint thinner has yet to be decided.

  • "Union Carbide." Originally located in Bhopal, India, this plant was relocated to Midland in 2001, on the theory that there were no more Indians left to kill, but still plenty of Midlandians.
  • "Ya Ya's Chicken" - Local 5 star restaurant; finest dining in the state. Reservations are filled for the next 2 years.
  • "Spray Parks" - Two small "water" parks created by the city to allow full decontamination after playing near the dioxin river.
  • "Lil' Chef" - A disgusting, low quality restaurant. Allows underage teens to smoke and jerk off old men.
  • "Stratford Woods" - Midland's only beach, fed by a lovely brine spring. Recently a small number of mole-men have begun a colony near the shores.
  • "Overlook Park" - Named after the Police Departments philosophy on rape reports.
  • "Bullock Creek" - Attended by local ferret farmers.
  • "Sanford Meridian" - Midland's only suburb where the teenage boys screw sheep.
  • The Titabawasee River - Infested with three-eyed fish. A local delicacy, served with a side of Dioxins and mayonnaise. Troll serfs will often spend an entire months savings on a single fish. The kidneys are discarded as they have no value.

Local sports teams[edit]

  • "The Chargers." Named after the tribe of moose that were gunned down from helicopters during the great "Forest Rebellion".
  • "The Chemics." Named after Chemicual, a giant radioactive squid who destroyed much of the town in 1902.
  • "The Great Lakes Loons" The Baseball team built and funded by the city of Midland in order to attract the loyalty and money of "baseball fans" within a 200 mile radius of the stadium.