Mike Love

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“Don't FUCK with the formula!”

~ Mike Love on writing about subjects outside of cars and teenage girls.

“The Beach Boys have continued to do...about 180 performances last year. I'd like to see the Mop-Tops match that! I'd like to see Mick Jagger get out on this stage and do "I Get Around" versus "Jumpin' Jack Flash"...I'd like to see some people 'kick out the jams,' and I challenge the Boss to get up on stage and jam. I wanna see Billy Joel, see if he can still tickle ivories...I know Mick Jagger won't be here tonight...But I'd like to see us in the Colosseum and he at Wembley Stadium because he's always been chickenshit to get on stage with the Beach Boys.”

~ Mike Love on every one else during his HOF speech, right before the house band cut him off.

Mike Edward Scissorhands Love (1941-never) was one of the founders of The Beach Boys. As the main lyricist for the Beach Boys, he is the main reason why most of their songs are revered for their highly intelligent content. When he isn't suing the other band members in the hope of finally getting the recognition he really deserves, he tours the world with a group of middle-aged doctors and lawyers erroneously named "The Kinks," serenading aging baby boomers who stopped listening to new music in 1775.

History[edit]

Mike Love was accidentally produced by generations of laborious in-breeding, a heinous genetic experiment that reached its apotheosis when scientists isolated the "asshole" gene from President Kennedy and injected it into the mutating zygote that eventually grew into Love.

The linear formation of Love's family tree allowed genealogists to trace his heritage back to Antonio Salieri, better known as "that nice guy from Amadeus," but comparisons to Salieri are mean-spirited at best; he could barely compose music while Love was the creative genius behind such timeless classics as 'Wouldn't It Be Nice' and 'Be My Baby' by the Ronettes, 'Surfer Girl' by Elton John and the Wailers, and 'Heal the World' by The Jordan Five. Love's actual involvement in these songs will come to light once he gets time for a few more lawsuits.

Beach Boys[edit]

During his days away from the meth lab, Mike Love befriended Brian Wilson and others who were at that time unaware of his latent talent. After mauling and devouring his caretakers, Love fled to Hawthorne, California where he assimilated himself into mundane, suburban life and reunited with the Wilson family. Despite his nasal voice, the Wilsons recruited him into their group because they needed 5 vocalists and most high school males were discouraged from singing barbershop (in 1961, high school jocks killed 28,565 barbershop vocalists in California alone).

The group finally broke after naming themselves the Beach Boys, but they still had one major obstacle to overcome: their primary composer, Brian Wilson, was actually an illegal Latino immigrant crackhead. Brian's albinism allowed him to hide his ethnicity, but despite his musical gifts (he taught himself the kazoo at the age of 3), he was unable to write compositions. Love was the only Beach Boy who could finish an album's worth of songs on short notice so he soon became the primary force behind the band.

Thus the Beach Boys were born, churning out one hit after another until 1964, when the Beatles invaded America, overthrowing the Presidency and establishing an English monarchy which continues to this day.

Later Material[edit]

To show his appreciation for the Beatles, who offered complete amnesty to bedridden drug addicts across their empire, Brian decided to record an album in their honor. The result was an album that has been consistently hailed as the worst album in history, undoubtedly because the brilliance of Mike Love was absent from almost all of the songs.

Feeling betrayed, Love decided to beat the crap out of Brian's best friend Van Dyke Parks, which caused Brian to have a nervous breakdown.

Currently[edit]

The most respected man in music history, Love has flaunted his powers and immortality, litigating other beloved musical artists into financial bankruptcy and ordering "hits" on such historical figures as Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, and Richard Nixon.

External Links[edit]