The military tank is a semi-amphibious All terrain combat weapon employed by various military forces around the globe to destroy anyone who dares to defy them. It is widely considered the most devastating weapon on the planet. Most civilized countries have tanks in their respective military's, but the United States of America has several more than anyone else. The United States frequently builds tanks for other countries as well. The U.S. has reassured concerned citizens that it only sells "the shitty ones" to other countries.
Invention of the Tank
The invention of the tank is shrouded in mystery. Many believe Leonardo Davinci designed the first tank, while others believe that those people are liars and assholes.
The first documentation of a tank being used in battle dates back to the 5th century A.D. An ancient Ethiopian artist's rendering of the battle of "click-click-whistle-click" (which is Ethiopian for something) clearly depicts Michael Clarke Duncan using his erect penis to destroy enemy forces in battle. Experts agree that Michael Clarke Duncan could be classified as a tank.
Through the years, the tank has evolved into the modern version we envision today. Through technological advances, engineering breakthroughs, and notorious cases of penis envy, the tank has become the ultimate game changer on the field of battle.
First Mass Produced Tanks
Throughout history the tank has evolved numerous times. Attempting to document every tank ever created would be nearly impossible (for me anyways, because I'm super lazy) so we will highlight some of the better known versions here.
The Mark IV was developed by British engineers for use in World War I. By today's standards, the Mark IV was a joke. A large soup can on wheels, the turret fired rocks, BB's, and leftover fried fish at it's enemies. It was not uncommon for an enemy soldier to take a direct hit from the Mark IV's guns and walk away with nothing but a black eye and a grease stain on his uniform. Over 400 Mark IV's saw combat during World War I and recorded 1 confirmed kill between them. The lone victim of the Mark IV was actually a British soldier who ate some of the fried fish he was supposed to be loading into the Mark IV's turret. He died of food poisoning three days later.
For the start of World War II, the British repainted the remaining Mark IV's and renamed them Mark V's. The new paint job wasn't the only upgrade to this iconic tank though. The Mark V sported a totally new weapons system. It could now make julienne fries. This new upgrade did nothing for the Mark V's deadliness on the battlefield, but it did inspire England's famous love of Fish and Chips.
The Panther tank was Germany's answer to the laughable Mark V. The Panther sported superior armor packages and a rubber band propulsion system. While the armor packages in the Panther kept the German soldiers relatively safe, several soldiers died when they were forced to exit the vehicle and wind the large key at the rear of the vehicle to keep it running.
The Panther displayed superior fire power on the battlefield, thanks to the Daisy Red Rider Edition Carbine BB Guns duct taped to the front of them. Just one shot from the barrel of a Daisy BB gun could break the skin of an enemy soldier if pumped more than twenty five times. The only downside to this new weapon of destruction was the tape used to hold the gun systems in place would loose it's stickiness when wet, causing the guns to fall off. The Allied forces soon discovered this weakness and exploited it with the invention of what we now know as the Super Soaker 3000.
The Panther remained deadly in combat thanks to the sheer numbers that were produced. It was said that Adolph Hitler suffered from severe penis envy and reconciled that fact by demanding his army have more tanks than any other Army on the planet. By the middle of World War II, Hitler's war factories had cranked out over 20,000 Panther tanks.
Later upgrades were made to protect the crew, with the first being ten sheets of paper held together with super glue and sprayed to look like metal, and the last being the key relegated to the inside of the tank.
Not to be outdone by Hitler, the Americans entered the tank race in World War II with the Sherman tank. Named after the great actor Sherman Hemsley, (George Jefferson on the Jeffersons TV Series) the Sherman Tank was not quite on par with the German Panther. To make up for this, the United States cranked out a whooping 50,000 of these turd boxes during the course of the war. In a one on one fight, the Sherman was no match for the German Panther so the first tank patrol units were developed by the U.S.
Sherman tanks went on patrols in packs of four or five looking to isolate solitary Panther tanks and overwhelm them by the use of sheer numbers. This fighting style earned the Sherman tankers the nickname "Mexicans."
The Unicorn was by far the deadliest tank on the battlefield in World War II. With over 9,000 confirmed kills, the Unicorn was statistically the most successful tank ever built. France only funded the construction of one Unicorn tank and it remained intact throughout the war. Many experts have debated what exactly made the Unicorn so deadly. It was hard to determine as the tank was unlike anything the world had ever seen.
When designing the Unicorn, the French ignored the boxy shape of most tanks of the time and instead opted for a long, round, shaft like structure. Camouflage paint was also discarded and the Unicorn received a flesh colored exterior. French General Guy LaDouche wrote in his journal "... At first we were afraid the flesh colored paint would make the Unicorn an easy target. Turns out, after just a few skirmishes, the unmistakable sight of the Unicorn cresting a hill would send enemy forces running in terror."
The Unicorn tank weapons system was revolutionary. A 37mm cannon that fired whipped cream at its targets was mounted on the front, while the rear was protected by two large projection screens which displayed hardcore Gay Porn. The French believed the Gay porn disoriented the enemy and made them easy targets. The whip cream cannon was fired at enemy's and stuck them in place, rendering them defenseless against the Unicorn's most devastating attack, the Ram Rod. The Unicorn was capable of ramming its shaft like body into spaces 1/3 it's size with deadly force repeatedly. This weapon proved extremely effective in dispatching enemies.
The Unicorn was powered by two gyroscopic engines mounted at the rear of it's shaft like hull. The gyroscopic engines allowed the Unicorn to quickly switch between forward and reverse directions, making the Ram Rod attack even more effective.
Since the inception of the tank, many advances have been made to produce a safer, more efficient, piece of military equipment. At the forefront of technological advamcement is the United States M1-A2 Abrams. Several advances over the Sherman have made this tank the pinnacle of military might the world over.
The Abrams is powered by two 600 horsepower turbine engines. They produce enough power to propel the 30 ton Abrams tank up to speeds of 60 miles per hour. The Abrams also sports a 120mm cannon as its main weapon. Other upgrades include lock on auto targeting and blow out armor panels.
The interior of the Abrams is what really makes it unique. After complaints from troops who piloted the original Sherman tank, the Abrams received several upgrades to make the troops more comfortable. Below is a list of some of the interior features of the tank.
- reclining driver and gunner seats
- Heated seats
- Jacuzzi, Sauna, and Olympic size swimming pool
- Fully stocked bar
- McDonald's restaurant
- Game Room
- Movie theater
U.S. Army Lt. Col. John J. Peterman explains the changes by stating that "... The comfort of today's soldier is of the utmost importance to the United States Military. A comfortable soldier is a deadly soldier.... that made more sense when I said it in my head. Anyways, we had a bunch of tax money to spend."
Not to be outdone, the Germans, after getting their license to build war stuff back from the Americans, built the Leopard 2. Still somewhat affected by the Hitler era penis envy, they chose to concentrate on cannon size and power. Armor was mediocre, but the stupid long schlong of the Leopard and fast speed gave it pretty good destructive capacity.
Tanks in pop culture
- Tanks have gained worldwide fame by being featured in every movie that Arnold Schwarzenegger has ever appeared in. Sylvester Stallone is also known for his use of tanks in movies.
- The website Newgrounds.com uses a tank as its logo
- The interpretive dance troop No Limit Records uses a tank as its logo
Private citizens with tanks
While tanks are intended strictly for military use, it has become somewhat of a status symbol for a private citizen to own their own tank. Below is a list of private citizens known to own a tank.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
In addition, several record labels have been known to give a tank to any rapper that signs a recording contract, along with a set of gold teeth and some kind of jewel encrusted cup.