Milk

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Neutering unwanted pets has recently become one of the most popular usages of surplus milk.
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"There is no point crying over spilt milk, unless its Jack Bauer's milk, in which case you are fucking screwed"

~ Stalin on milk

“Got milk?”

~ Milk on milk

“In Soviet Russia, cow milks YOU!”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on milk

“In Soviet Russia, milk got YOU!”

“Mr T'll throw you suckas helluva far!”

~ Mr T on milk

“I can resist anything but milk.”

~ Oscar Wilde on milk

Milk is an off-white viscous ooze (not to be mistaken for Liquid Paper™, or semen) that is excreted from the boobs of fur-laden animals. This article will confine its attention to milk of the porcine (i.e cow) variety.

How Milk is Produced[edit]

After billions of cows are harvested from the field with industrial cow-raping machines, they are hand-sorted into several piles based on size, color, and weight. Next, the cows are generously sprayed with DDT, and led into a chamber of horrors replete with rotating knives, frenzied ninjas, filibustering congresspersons, hydraulic presses, Linda Tripp, suction hoses, and loud elevator music. The drippings are then passed through powerful centrifuges that separate out the raw milk for further processing. (The leftover gooey residue is diverted to the manufacturing of miscellaneous products such as dog food, cosmetics, baseball bats, and McDonald's hamburgers.)

The raw milk is then zapped with powerful lasers to kill off at least some of the deadly bacterial contamination, which accidentally grants the rest superpowers improve taste and texture. Finally, the milk is fortified with vitamins and minerals and testosterone and MSG and other hormones, aged in vast underground caverns to the point of one day before expiration, and then stocked in the dairy section of your local conglomerated Wal-Mart.

History of Milk[edit]

Popular milk advertisement

The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there...". Wrapping his hand around the cow's nipple, he gave it a gentle squeeze, then another squeeze, then a firmer squeeze, then several quick tugs in succession, and finally one big long yank, causing the white liquid (later known as "milk") to come out in several gooey spurts. The cow, not very happy about having some horny male human squeezing her private area, promptly reared up her legs and gave him a good swift kick in the noggin, killing him instantly.

A nearby tribe member, who had happened to have witnessed the violent incident from a relatively safe distance, devised a cunning plan. After giving the cow a few swigs of whiskey and taking the cow to a dimly-lit movie theatre, he began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!". Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refeshing and delicious taste, reminiscent of roasted almonds. He died of hepatitis D the next day.

Eventually, the fondling of cows' tits spread around the world, and various other animals were tested using this proven method. Some of the other types of milk that were later discovered are goat's and yak's. However, as with any scientific revolution, many unsuccesful experiments were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, lions, and humans. None survived. Shortly after the millenium and years of speculation it was confirmed that milk is better than wood. Mainly because it can be used to make tea.


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Illicit Milk Abuse[edit]

Two pints.

Milk became the "Sissy Drink of All Eternity" in 549 BC when Steve Urkel warped through a time/dimension rift and drank it right in front of King McMaceral, who then outlawed it for all eternity. Since then, outlaw sissies have been drinking it in secrecy to gain genetic enhancing powers in the face of bully attacks.

It is well known that Superman was once a sissy who wore nerdish glasses, but after drinking 4 billion gallons of illicit milk, he gained super-human powers too. After the American government figured this out, they promptly infected him with a genetically modified virus that paralyzed his body. Milk is now strictly controlled by the federal government and is most commonly found in cleaning products.

Super AIDS[edit]

Milk was once thought to be the leading cause of Super AIDS. However, milk does not cause Super AIDS. Because of this, Oscar Wilde is often seen walking the streets, handing out bottles.

Health Benefits of Drinking Milk[edit]

Health Risks of Drinking Milk[edit]

Popularity of Milk[edit]

The country of Magnesia is one of the world's leading exporters of milk.

Results of the 2003 Survey of out-patients at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland[edit]

Milk 43%
Milk 43%
Lemonade 14%


Results of the 2003 Survey of patients "round the corner" at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland[edit]

Chocolate milk 17%
No preference 83%


Despite these impressive statistics, milk is the worst thing in the world.

Famous Celebrities who Sold Out and now Push Milk for the Milk Industry[edit]

Famous Milkmen[edit]

Substances which Milk is Not to be Confused With[edit]

See Also[edit]