"There is no point crying over spilt milk, unless its Jack Bauer's milk, in which case you are fucking screwed"
~ Stalin on milk
“In Soviet Russia, cow milks YOU!”
“In Soviet Russia, milk got YOU!”
“Mr T'll throw you suckas helluva far!”
“I can resist anything but milk.”
Milk is an off-white viscous ooze (not to be mistaken for Liquid Paper™, or semen) that is excreted from the boobs of fur-laden animals. This article will confine its attention to milk of the porcine (i.e cow) variety.
How Milk is Produced
After billions of cows are harvested from the field with industrial cow-raping machines, they are hand-sorted into several piles based on size, color, and weight. Next, the cows are generously sprayed with DDT, and led into a chamber of horrors replete with rotating knives, frenzied ninjas, filibustering congresspersons, hydraulic presses, Linda Tripp, suction hoses, and loud elevator music. The drippings are then passed through powerful centrifuges that separate out the raw milk for further processing. (The leftover gooey residue is diverted to the manufacturing of miscellaneous products such as dog food, cosmetics, baseball bats, and McDonald's hamburgers.)
The raw milk is then zapped with powerful lasers to
kill off at least some of the deadly bacterial contamination, which accidentally grants the rest superpowers improve taste and texture. Finally, the milk is fortified with vitamins and minerals and testosterone and MSG and other hormones, aged in vast underground caverns to the point of one day before expiration, and then stocked in the dairy section of your local conglomerated Wal-Mart.
History of Milk
The origin of when, how, and who discovered milk remains largely a mystery. However, a popular theory, based on recently discovered cave paintings, is that a primitive human with a mental disorder walked up to a cow, and upon seeing a large pink bag, wondered to himself, "I wonder what would happen if I squeezed that big pink thing down there...". Wrapping his hand around the cow's nipple, he gave it a gentle squeeze, then another squeeze, then a firmer squeeze, then several quick tugs in succession, and finally one big long yank, causing the white liquid (later known as "milk") to come out in several gooey spurts. The cow, not very happy about having some horny male human squeezing her private area, promptly reared up her legs and gave him a good swift kick in the noggin, killing him instantly.
A nearby tribe member, who had happened to have witnessed the violent incident from a relatively safe distance, devised a cunning plan. After giving the cow a few swigs of whiskey and taking the cow to a dimly-lit movie theatre, he began squeezing the nipples of the now very drunk and sedate cow. Once the milk came out again, he exclaimed to himself "I say, I wonder what this weird, white liquid that just came out of this cow tastes like!". Taking a sip, he found that it had a most refeshing and delicious taste, reminiscent of roasted almonds. He died of hepatitis D the next day.
Eventually, the fondling of cows' tits spread around the world, and various other animals were tested using this proven method. Some of the other types of milk that were later discovered are goat's and yak's. However, as with any scientific revolution, many unsuccesful experiments were tried on other animals, such as turtles, sharks, lions, and humans. None survived. Shortly after the millenium and years of speculation it was confirmed that milk is better than wood. Mainly because it can be used to make tea.
“As long as it's warm and furry, I'll grab that sucker and squirt some milk into my glass! Now that's what I call good drinkin'!”
“Milk is the worst thing in the world!”
“Must be that white liquid, foaming at the mouth.”
“I wish the milkman would deliver my milk, in the morning.”
“MilkFilk, The Milkman!, and other crazy milkmen. Must be that guy yesterday...”
“Trust me, it's not easy in the least.”
Illicit Milk Abuse
Milk became the "Sissy Drink of All Eternity" in 549 BC when Steve Urkel warped through a time/dimension rift and drank it right in front of King McMaceral, who then outlawed it for all eternity. Since then, outlaw sissies have been drinking it in secrecy to gain genetic enhancing powers in the face of bully attacks.
It is well known that Superman was once a sissy who wore nerdish glasses, but after drinking 4 billion gallons of illicit milk, he gained super-human powers too. After the American government figured this out, they promptly infected him with a genetically modified virus that paralyzed his body. Milk is now strictly controlled by the federal government and is most commonly found in cleaning products.
Health Benefits of Drinking Milk
Health Risks of Drinking Milk
- Flesh eating bacteria
- Mad Cow Disease
- Juggler's despair
- Acute lactose poisoning
- Terrible acne
- Inflammation of man boobs
Popularity of Milk
The country of Magnesia is one of the world's leading exporters of milk.
Results of the 2003 Survey of out-patients at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
Results of the 2003 Survey of patients "round the corner" at de Varfschaaaarp Hospital, Holland
Despite these impressive statistics, milk is the worst thing in the world.
Famous Celebrities who Sold Out and now Push Milk for the Milk Industry
- Denzel Washington
- Spuds McKenzie
- Oprah Winfrey
- The Olsen Twins
- Sonny (not so much anymore) and Cher
- Bob Dole
- Santa Claus
- RoboJesus 4900
- Ash Ketchum