Millard Fillmore

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Millard Fillmore
Millard Fillmore
Personal info
Nationality hitler.jpg
Date of birth Jan 7 1800
Place of birth Albert Lea, Minnesota
Date of death March 8 (Shot with a bear by Megan Ross)
Place of death Brooklyn, New York
First Lady C. C. R. Carmichael
Political career
Order 13th president
Vice President Nobody
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office January 20, 1850March 4, 1853
Preceded by parents
Succeeded by Zachary Taylor
Political party Whig


Millard "The Mallard" Fillmore was the 13th president of the United States, known for being the sexiest of the presidents. His "Filly Thirteen" leather jacket from his biker gang days is in the Smithsonian. Fillmore was the last of America's Whig presidents, but nobody could tell cause it looked so real.

Early History[edit]

Fillmore was born Millard Hopkins in Albert Lea, Minnesota. His parents hated him, so they named him Millard. He was apprenticed at age nine to a band of shipwrecked pirates, who taught him the fundamentals of pillaging and banditry. He completed his education by clerking at a law firm for six years. He then took a job as a bartender, where he gained his last name from drunken patrons yelling "Millard, Fill more!" The only reason he got to be Vice President was because Zachary Taylor accidentally picked him when drunk. Taylor later died after being eaten by a land shark, a subject of numerous conspiracy theories.

Accomplishments while President[edit]

In 1851, Fillmore began the tradition of US presidents failing to deliver peace in the Middle East. His record in the Midwest, however, was more successful. Fillmore is also credited with implementing the White House "leave a penny, take a penny" jar. After using the funds from the jar to reduce the national deficit to a paltry $37.26, he was promptly honored by having a beer named after him.

Millard Fillmore negotiated the Marmalade Act of 1850, which nationalized all marmalade plants below the Mason-Dixon Line. He also set a presidential record by juggling four live cats during his second State of the Union Address.

Post-Presidential Accomplishments[edit]

Once ate 3 apple pies within 72 hours.

Became the South Carolina Yahtzee Champion four years running.

Paralyzed his mother by stepping on a crack.

Inspired the wildly unsuccessful "Fillmore Logs."

Substitute President[edit]

In 1941 President Franklin Roosevelt called in sick to work, claiming that "I think Lucy broke some of my ribs". Under the Substitute President Time Travel Act of 1938, Fillmore was called forward nearly a century in time to act as Substitute President. (A little known historical fact is that Fillmore was actually the third choice for Substitute President; Abraham Lincoln turned down his offer, and William Taft was now too fat to get through the door of the Oval Office.)

During his Substitute Presidency (9:14 A.M, October 12, 1941 - 3:25 P.M, October 14, 1941), Fillmore played a small but crucial role in convincing Congress to pass the Fight Our War Because We're Rich Act of 1941, which was written to aid Russia during its invasion by Germany. When the time came to vote on the bill, no one was able to find the final written draft. At this point Fillmore, stumbling sleepily into the room still in nightcap and pyjamas, vaguely recalled having seen it the previous night on the coffee table in the White House Lincoln Rec Room. Fillmore was rewarded for this brave act of memory with the knowledge that he had guaranteed freedom and democracy for a generation, as well as a tall, cold glass of hot sheep's milk with Ovaltine, and was soon returned to his own time.

Downfall Due to Insanity[edit]

Millard Fillmore eventually fell from power after the infamous "Crazy State of the Union." Millard walked up to the podium with no pants on, and claimed his new name was Mrs. Norris. He also claimed he had walked a thousand miles, and he fell into the sky, hoping time would pass him by. Needless to say, Millard. Millard then dressed up as a green duck, demanding people call him Mallard Fillmore. In a twist of irony, Millard would receive the nomination for the Know-Nothing Party in 1854, since, logically, he knew nothing and was an insane imbecile. Millard died, sadly, in 1853, so even if he had been elected, it wouldn't have mattered. Millard Fillmore's life was very sad in this manner.

Overall Significance to History[edit]

Had a comic strip named after him, continuing the rich tradition started by Presidents Garfield, Peanut, and Aquaman.

Alleged Presidential Hoax[edit]

In 1968, a biographer attempted to write a biography about Millard Fillmore because the market was flooded with books about presidents that people actually cared about. While doing research, it was discovered that there are almost no primary sources that suggest that Millard Fillmore ever actually existed. Some think that he was fabricated because everyone had forgotten who the actual president was at the time, but didn’t want to admit it.

A breakthrough occurred when a letter written by a history textbook author was discovered which included the following quote: “Who the heck was president after Taylor died? I keep asking people, but they don’t have any idea what I’m talking about. If I can't figure it out, I’m just going to make up some fake sounding name to fill more space on my presidential timeline.

Preceded by:
Escape Key
In spite of being
President of the United States,
he failed to invade
any countries!
What a total Wimp!

296-355 AD
Succeeded by:
Grover Cleveland