Minnesota

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State Flag:
Larrycraigmsp.png

(The state flag of Minnesota. The two men represent Larry Craig and Norm Coleman toe-tapping in the men's airport restroom.)
State Flower: Snow
Official Language: Minnesnowtan (Englishy but mostly the in twin cities Metro Area, correct grama more) (< loosely translated to: Like English but, around the Twin Cities Metropolitan area, it is more correct in grammar.)
State Bird: The Canada Goose

(seriously, they make, like, twenty percent of the bird population)

State Motto: Fuck, it's cold... (winter motto)
Fuck, it's hot... (summer motto)
State Anime: Lucky Star
Nickname: Thug Mansion
State Capitol: the West Burbs
Standard MPH while driving through town: -1
Seasons: Winter, Road Construction
Official Sandwich: BLT (Blueberry, Lutefisk, Turnip)
Official State Snack: Pops (one the few place stupid enough to use this esoteric phrasing)and candy (especially bubble yum and surge)

“My dick froze”

~ Oscar Wilde on Minnesota

Minnesota (more commonly known as Minnesnowta) is America's Favorite Bi-Polar State. It is also home to the Twin Cites, Minneapolis being the city that is slightly less boring than its neighbor city Saint Paul, where bars close at 9 PM.

Lately, Minnesota had a foreign exchange agreement with the nation of Somalia. Minnesotans ship out their Communist idealogues like Al Franken and Leon Trotsky in exchange for people with dark skin. People of darker skin tones were a major curiosity in Minnesota after the arrival of Kirby Puckett and Kevin Garnett into the state. However, Minnesotans haven't yet realised that Somalim plain out suck in any sport that doesn't involve kicking a round ball.

Lately, Somalia has frequently asked for their citizens back because even Somalia can't take Al Franken.

Contents

[edit] Weather

Bouncywikilogo4.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Minnesota.


The weather in Minnesota is known to be ungodly, with temperatures in summertime usually reaching about 451 degrees with a dew point of 104 and in the wintertime, temperatures dipping to 40 below and with wind chills of -110 degrees.

Tornadoes litter the state's landscape in May and June. It's not unusual for the weather to be unseasonable. There was once the great Labor Day Snowstorm of 1989, the 1999 Thanksgiving heat wave where temperatures reached about 91, and the great Martin Luther King Day Hurricane of 2007. Altogether, these have taken the lives of fifty thousand Minnesotans.


[edit] Minneapolis

Minneapolis (AKA Murderopolis)(AKA Minnehopelis) is a city in southern MN that really no one cares about. ('Cept the drugs). (Thing is though, if it weren't for Minneapolis, Minnesota would just be an over-grown North Dakota).

[edit] Population

While Minnesota is commonly seen as welcoming to all races, the diversity you find is truly very limited. On one side of the scale, you have the Scandanavians and Germans. These tall, blond, and slightly deranged people encomapass the majority of the population. On the other side, we have the Somalians. However, as the Scandanavian population thuroughly outnumbers the Somalians, the public transportation system is pitiful to say the least. Now, between the Scans and the Soms, we have the inbetweenies, more commonly known as hmong. The Hmong are like Chinese people, but with darker skin and unable to do well in school. Another race of Minnesotans are Mexicans, as South Minneapolis is the South Texas of the North.

There are also a few Jews.

Oh, and some queers. There's that one guy with the immaculately decorated apartment over on 15th and LaSalle. And I think there might be a couple of lesbians way up on the rez in Red Lake.

So this diverse population constitutes the entire population, with the exception of northern Minnesota, where you do get some people from Canadia.the Minnesnowtans supposedly like to call them "Canadian Idiots."

Minnesota is a political oddity in presidential election maps: it's turning "blue" like an inaccurate pregnancy test over and over. Despite the very white Midwestern rural character of the state, Minnesota is one of the most Democrat party majority states you can get. I mean, what's up with that? Imagine the Left coast without the celebrity fanfare, a Miami covered in snow and Seattle without the 360-day-a-year rainfall.

[edit] Lakes

Minnesnowta has a lot of lakes. So many, in fact, that the counting ended due to lack of funding for the people in charge of the tally. The lakes are frozen-over 6 months (winter), and evaporated 6 months a year (Road Construction). Legend has it that these lakes were created by the footsteps of Paul Bunyan as he stomped through the state, maliciously cutting down trees. This, of course, is all hogwash! Scientists believe that the numerous lakes in Minnesnowta were actually created by a large meteor storm. This meteor storm was likely an early attempt by God to get rid of the pesky and annoying insect (AKA the state bird), the mosquito. As it did not quite do the job, the end result has been that the mosquitos now have an even larger breeding ground.

[edit] West Burbs

The West Burbs are also a favorite of theoretical physicists who study temperatures near absolute zero.
(HAR HAR it's gonna be a weather joke, LAME-O, let's go pwn this n00b with our admin sword, +3 to stealth, +10 to damage!)
But not for the reason you'd think.
(Damn - there goes our fun for the night, now we just have to sit here and watch BloodRayne again. )
Rather, this is because at absolute zero, all molecular motion ceases immediately - which, by a striking coincidence, is EXACTLY what happens at each and every four-way stop sign in the west metro. The current theory holds that a certain type of subparticle in these molecules freaks out thinking about what the neighbors would say over hotdish at next week's church luncheon if they knew that Sheila Thorvaldsen went out of turn by half a second, thus keeping poor Dottie Lundberg from her ZOMG MY EYES tryst with Maynard Hefeweizen down at da Restful Manor, ja. (SHAKOPEE, THIS MEANS YOU!!!!!!!! Or you mean Shakopee. I mean, that town IS getting awful full of those funny-lookin' letters these days, iiiiif you know what I mean... But I digress). It's either that, or there's some ancient Norwegian tradition that anyone who violates the ancient Code of Olaf Passivaggressivus has to eat fifty "Rocky Mountain Oysters" while confined to a fish house on Prior Lake. Long story short, the subparticle sacrifices itself to save the larger molecule, in true phlegmatic Swedish collectivist fashion. YOU CAN'T STOP STEPFORD don'tcha know!!

[edit] South Burbs

The metro's "New Kids on the Block" (and with just about the amount of cultural substance the phrase suggests), the south burbs are a veritable cavalcade of separate municipal personalities... which we will proceed to analyze individually, for your amusement and edification. Even if you don't want us to. COMMENCE THE MIND RAPE!!!!

Woodbury: Refused to comment, insisting that it deserved its own article so it wouldn't have to "mingle with the help".

Jordan: Wish they were located in the Sixth Congressional District, so they could vote out that goddamn liberal Michele Bachmann. Have even considered floating themselves down the river to Iowa for just long enough to establish residency, so they could recall her blasted Commie fellow-traveler Steve King while they were at it.

Shakopee: City council hands out Gold Stars(TM) for driving 8 MPH (247 km/h or 3.9 cross-dressing lobsters) under speed limits that are already 5 too low. Since locals view cut-through traffic as tantamount to genocide, they do to their neighborhoods what Jeffrey Dahmer did to his victims. People who live in the hand have to go all the way to the other side of the refrigerator just to visit their friends in the wrist. The police department has separate squads assigned to each cheap apartment complex in town, just to go cut down the pizza drivers who hang themselves out of sheer desperation.

City name come from Chief Great Bear. Unleash babbling brook, color of sun when high in sky. Then find out fence possessed by spirit of lightning. Now Great Bear buried just outside city. But water table very high. Long story short, paleface enjoy drink of Soylent Red. Paleface prosecuted for cannibalism. Strict liability offense, have no requisite culpability. Then other paleface put lightning stick into ground. 1530 KHz oscillation make Great Bear "Shakopee" AGAIN, direct into aquifer next to jail. Get paleface coming and going.

Apple Valley: Zipped right from Brady Bunch split-levels to New Urbanism, completely giving starter castles a miss.

Rosemount: Zipped right from Mayberry to starter castles, completely giving the Brady Bunch a miss.

Burnsville: For the true connoisseur of urban-fringe whiplash. Gang warfare on 122nd Street... split-levels on 136th... horse stables on 150th. Oh well, at least they have a Caribou now. And a couple of lesbian punk rockers.

Eagan: Houses. Oh wait, suddenly some warehouses. Oh wait, more houses. Oh wait, more warehouses. Look, kids - a Wal-Mart and a Bennigan's! Then some houses. And suddenly some more warehouses.

Prior Lake:
Old: Four surnames - Borchardt, Klingberg, Haferman, and "gosh, well they're such nice people, but we don't really know them know them... ya know?"

Intermediate: Any two men we don't immediately recognize, who walk into the bar unaccompanied by any member of the fairer sex, are automatically fags and will be treated as such. (Bonus points if you mind-fuck them so mercilessly that they end up punching themselves on your behalf!)

New: But we CAN'T reorganize our district around the neighborhood-school concept! MY kids might end up in the same elementary school with those POOR KIDS in the Section 8 housing down the street! And it's too tough to actually prove that parents provided minors with alcohol, so we need a social-host ordinance that will force parents to literally babysit their visiting college sophomores! Don't you see, it's for the sake of the children... the 20-year-old CHILDREN!!!

Savage: Someone really fucked up the nomenclature here; the Indian casino is technically in Prior Lake. The astute observer will note Mrs. Gray standing tall and proud in her flower garden, and a frenzied Mr. Green running from room to room with a tiny flathead screwdriver and a roll of electrical tape.

Chanhassen: A death-defying hairpin curve that hasn't been paved since 1942, a bunch of chanting religious loons, more overpriced boutiques than you can shake Great-Great-Grandfather's gold-plated heirloom stick at, hundreds of acres of farm fields, a faaaaaaaaabulous dinner theater, several dozen actual Neo-Nazis (midget and otherwise), portions of the Shinjuku district of Tokyo, an antimatter waterbed, twenty-two thousand Lithuanian slaves, a working spaceship made of hand-churned butter, and PRINCE for fuck's sake. All crammed into the same 10 square miles. And all real (well, except for Prince). Eat your heart out, David Lynch.

Elko: Come from ancient Indian word mean "Deer Who Fuck Own Sister Behind Racetrack". Was once involved in a war with neighboring New Market.

New Market: Former rival of Elko since its creation in 1858. Was in a war with Elko, touched off by the invasion of a certain General Hoffer into a private home he mistook for a crime scene and ultimately resulting in the torching of 95% of the city's then-sizable downtown. Signed a treaty and merged to become Elko New Market.

Elko New Market:A city created by the merger of Elko and New Market following a peace treaty signed in 2007. Though the city claims the war is over, most of Minnesota does not recognize the city and continues to refer to it SEPARATELY as Elko and New Market.

South St. Paul: Where Bessie thinks to herself, I might be in the stockyards... but it could be worse. At least the truck stopped before we got to Newport, where people have TWELVE TOES and think petroleum is a milkshake flavor!!!!

Belle Plaine: EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON!!!! TIF TIF TIF TIF pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt pt............. pfffffffffffffff (uncomfortable silence) And incidentally, Mr. Harper couldn't be here, 'cause he stayed too long at Kelly's Bar again.

Eden Prairie: Full of Youbetchaland's nouveau riche, who satisfy their raging sense of noblesse oblige (uniquely leavened with Catholic guilt) by donating to Hangnails Anonymous and volunteering to teach free yoga classes for the homeless.

Lakeville: Full of Youbetchaland's nouveau almost-as-riche, who don't need to engage in any extracurricular activities to quell their guilt, as they've already extirpated it by churning out massive broods of little future missionaries / tithers for the numerous mega-churchinomas mitosing out of control across the landscape. However, despite being nouveau almost-riche, they nevertheless give Wal-Mart a miss for being just too damn uppity - Fleet Farm is more their style. (The Kenrick Avenue location regularly sets world records for tinfoil sales, as denizens of the area are compelled to beef up their radio antennas so they can pull in that classic country station on the other side of the metro).

Edina: Every Day I Need Attention. Egregious Debutantes In Nefarious Attire. Everyone Drives Infinitely Nice Audis. Full of Youbetchaland's old money, who assuage what little guilt they feel by reminding themselves they've already suffered enough, simply by serving as the butt of so many smart-assed acronyms. (If further rationalization becomes necessary, they write a letter to the editor of their silly little suburban weekly, reminding the rest of the echo chamber that most critics are simply jealous residents of Hilltop or New Brighton who should have made something of their lives in between fetching my radicchio salad and putting the caramel on little Madysyn's ice-cream cone).

Bloomington: Think Olathe, Kansas without the synchronized traffic lights.

Columbus: Wait a second! Wrong side! Will someone create a North Burbs section. Geez! you got to have all the sides!!!!!

[edit] North Burbs

As requested...

Ham Lake: See Elko.

Hugo: See Elko.

Andover: See Elko.

Ramsey: See Elko.

Rogers: See Elko.

[edit] Shovels

Every Minnesota house has at least two shovels -- a large plastic shovel for shoveling snow, and an even larger metal shovel for swatting mosquitoes. Occasionally, some Minnesotans can been seen using snowblowers to remove snow. All native Minnesotans know that these imposters are not natives and are simply immigrant wannabe Swedes (or Norwegians). In areas with a lot of mosquitoes (everywhere), there is also a shovel used for digging graves for all the mosquitoes that have been swatted, blowtorched, electrically discontinued, or otherwise relieved of their general ability to suck blood forevermore. Norwegians (or Swedes) are experts at mosquito genocide; despite this, there are always more. It is believed, "them mosquitos come from them there cities down there where the bad people are," says many a Swede living at the very Northern most top of Minneosta, also known as the part of Minnesota where cheaper drugs and legal ones at that, are just a quick drive away. The reason? There are no swedes (or Norwegians, which I think you understand at this point) in the Land of 10,000 Gangs (A.K.A. Minneapolis and kinda St. Paul, but mostly North Minneapolis).

[edit] "The Minnesotan Redneck"

A lot of people are probably going, "Huh?", but this is a true species of human. They are a lot like the rednecks commonly found in the South, but a few key differences:

Southern Redneck - Chew Red Man, drink old-ass shitty beer, have a big trucker hat, are usually of some form of ancestry called "Scot-Irish" whatever the fuck that is, drive beat-up trucks, can be racist, live in trailers, and have ginormous porches and blar country music. They also talk funny as fuck.

Minnesotan Redneck - Chew Grizzly, drink good-ass shitty beer, have big outdoor hats (Cabela's yo?), are of Scandinavian, German or Irish ancestry, drive any old or new piece of shit they can find, are only racist cuzz of the abscence of minorities (cept those damn Mexicans who work in the sunflower and wheat fields), live in pretty much anything, can have big porches, blar either the most quality or least quality (shitty) country or old-ass rock (Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan). We, too talk funny as fuck but not quite like the Southern redneck (Ex. instead of saying "Yes" or "Yes'm" we say "EEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!")

[edit] Famous Minnesnowtans

[edit] Minnesnowtans no one cares about

[edit] Places

  • Carleton College
  • Saint Olaf College (Non-blondes need not apply)
  • Fargo - wait no...THAT'S IN NORTH F***ING DAKOTA!!!! Stupid southern-cousin-lovers.
  • Sven and Ole's Log Cabin
  • Cleveland
  • The Lake Park Ghetto
  • Coon Rapids, where homes are built out of the carcasses of black people and the rivers stream blood
  • My House
  • St. Paul (Formerly known as Pig's Eye...no really, I think they named it after some dude with an eye disease thing...yeah...)
  • Bloomington, home of the Mall of America (also known as the official Muslim hang out).
  • New Prague, known for its over population of lesbians, retards, and horrible boy's sports teams. The city consists of hicks, wiggers, farmers that think they're smart, and lesbians. Oh, did I mention lots of lesbians?
  • Juno but no one cares.
  • Land of 10,000 Gangs A.K.A. Minneapolis (especially North Minneapolis)
  • West-burb houses of ghetto kids who wished they lived in North Minneapolis
  • Winooooooooona

[edit] See Also

[edit] External links

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