Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant

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“I keep winning this ”

~ Tamia
Miss Chernobyl 1992, seen here.

The Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant is an annual beauty contest originated from a country in Europe called Ukraine. Since 1987, the beauty pageant, or usually referred as "Krokizevska Tev Nukizevka" in Ukrainian language is held every year in Sheffield, a small town just 15 minutes downwards from Kiev. That is by driving. The demographics shows, people usually turn up to the contest by walking, preferably with their pet dogs and cats, which will consume just around 45 minutes. Every year, citizens of Ukraine together forget their daily business such as counting chickens and attend the Miss Chernobyl contest that features the most ugly beautiful women in all of the Ukraine.

Jocelyne Wildenstein, Miss Chernobyl of 1996 and 2005...

Quite contrary to the conventional beauty pageant, such as Big Brother and The Apprentice, Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant has more competitions than ever before. Although the contestants will not receive hundreds of thousands of money[1], they will not feel bad because actually some people watch the show. I do. The participants endure a grueling biohazard suit contest, talent contest, and of course some speech about how much they care about world peace or whatever. Candidates get special prizes for more than the standard number of breasts. Death does not hamper a contestant's chances, as long as their body maintains a healthy green glow. The first video game based on the Pageant called "S.T.A.L.K.E.R Shadow of Chernoybl" was released in March 2007.

Miss Chernobyl Logo.png

History[edit]

The explosion[edit]

The first Ukraine's RUSSIAN BUILT nuclear power plant. Notice the well-designed green chimney.

In the early 1980, countries around the world are competing in every aspect they can think of, such as fatter citizens, worst-eyesight nerds, biggest panties and so forth. However probably the most recognized, yet underrated is the competition in energy quantity. Not to be confused with that little bicycle-like machine that generates electricity and blinking lights, some superpower countries were trying to defeat each other by producing energy from nuclear power plants. In a way, this is good, because then these countries can have enough power in case we are invaded by some kind of aliens. This has been reflected in many movies like Deep Impact and Armageddon so this issue is self-explanatory.

Ukraine is known for its risky plans, notably that of trusting Russia during the Revolution so that they can turn-around and steal their grains whilst malicioussly building crummy nuclear power plants in their country. If you look on the picture on the left, they have made some sort of antenna in blue on top of the some kind of green chimney. And on its left, the giant statue of some dirty Georgian butcher can be noticed. So there it is, they have not carefully placed three objects in three different colours, blue, green and red. In China, this thing is called "Feng Shui". If the power plant was in China, surely the Chinese government would have removed or recolourised the power plant.

To make it even worse, two of the mechanics at the power plant did some random experiments prior to the energy-making-competition. The first mechanic, Sagdiyev Sardine, put a chicken in the reactor, and assumed that he could start a company to compete with KFC. The second mechanic, Kournikova Sardine, put another chicken in the same reactor, a female one. The chicken then had sex and the semen was contaminated with some various hazardous substances, which resulted in a massive explosion.

The beauty pageant[edit]

...and that is just the beginning.

Since the explosion that occurred on April 26, 1986, Ukrainians felt different, some felt really different. A case has been reported that many Ukrainian women had at least three breasts, some four, some even five breasts[2][3]. Even some other women grew penises in their body, mostly in their chin area. Wombs grew outside of their mother's body. There are many other related cases that you would not have thought about when you first saw this article's title. It is just horrifying. Viktor Yushchenko, the Prime Minister of Ukraine at that time once said, "People of Ukraine, you are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring us down"[4]. The former Prime Minister, Viktor Yushchenko, has been known to have a deep passion with Christina Aguilera.

Two years later, in the annual Ukraine parliamentary meeting, one of the important people put his hand up high in the thick air of the parliamentary building, requesting to speak. His request was rejected, for once, then twice, then three times, for around seven times. Later that day, he put his hands again, and this time, he was allowed to speak. He said, "I love my people, they are beautiful, no matter what they say. Let's make a Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant!". Just like an orchestra, everyone in the meeting room woke up from their uranium-induced trance and shouted "HELL YEAH!".

Miss Chernobyl 1994 at her job at a local Walachia★Mart.

The meeting went well, although one rejection came up from a lady in the parliament, Zevanya Kulofski, pictured on the right. She did not think the beauty pageant was a good idea, since she thought she was not beautiful, no matter what they say[5][6]. The parliament building went silent, so silent that they could hear a pin dropped. It went like that for about five to six minutes. But then after Miss Kulofski died hours later, they signed the proposal of the beauty contest. No investigation was held related to her death[7].

[edit]

The logo for the contest features the infamous dog Maika (1987 - 2003), the lesser known bastard great-grandson of the famous cosmonaut dog Laika. This particular dog won the reputable "Despicable Cur of the Year" [8] contest four times, in 1989 and then, after recovering from an airborne infection of the dreaded Pixellated Face Disease for two years, won three years in a row 1992 - 1994. Due to being born in Chernobyl just one year after the great meltdown, he looks pretty much like what you could expect from such a dog, including the bioluminous eyes. Contrary to popular belief, he did not have psychokinetic powers. Luckily enough for the ecosystems worldwide, he never managed to generate any offspring.

Competitions[edit]

DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
that a contestant of Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant has an average half-life of 36,72 years? In fact, they are so radioactive that the European Union regard them as a major source of radioactive pollution.

Every year, women from all around Ukraine gather to finish four challenging competitions.

Lucky draw contest[edit]

Before the real grand finale beauty contest begins, firstly the judges, and the contest's crews need to select 50 lucky women, preferably young female in Ukraine, to keep the rating high. The beauty pageant usually kicks off in early March, to remember the incident that happened 21 years ago, the Chernobyl incident. Most of the time, the contest will receive no less than 6,000 letters each year, in which 3,000 of them are complaint and SPAM letters, of which many of those are so called Nigeria letters. 1,000 of them generally turn out to have been generated by "Dear John letter"-scripts on the Internet, such as the one here on Uncyclopedia. As a result, only 2,000 of them are real letters. These letters are then gathered in a huge football field in downtown Kiev, where all people can see the lucky draw. From those thousands of letters, only fifty women will be selected to go to the next round, which is the biohazard suit contest.

Throughout the history, this is probably the most important, yet horrifying stage of the contest. In every letter, there are three passport-sized photos of the contestant, which includes them in a bikini, in a suit and naked. The letter also contains some personal details like name, alternate names, date of birth, date of death, amount of radioactivity and so forth.

Biohazard suit contest[edit]

A contestant from west Kiev in a fluorescent biohazard suit.

Physical shape is also an important part of Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant[9]. And maybe this is the most important part, although all other stages are important too. But really, what makes this contest different is the physical shape of the contestants, which makes this stage is the most crucial one.

So after the first stage, the contestant will try to dress in a biohazard suit in their favourite colours and models. They then will walk on stage in front of hundreds of millions viewers in various seductive poses, just like the one showed on the left.

The contest is not as easy as it looks, because it looks very easy to just put the suit on and walk on stage. However in Ukraine, most people have three legs and four arms, two in which positioned across the chest. Therefore it is a bit hard to put these suits on. In most cases, one contestant would need up to five crews to help her to put the suit on, and keep the suit in that shape for two hours.

Another challenge of this stage is that the contestants must do yoga while holding twenty computer nerds.

Talent contest[edit]

Captain Oblivious expected to find beautiful women at Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant, but all he ever found was Waldo.

After the biohazard suit competition, there would be only twenty contestants left. And the contest is heading towards the most exciting stage, which is the talent contest. In this stage, contestants are given free choices of talent they would like to display. It could be vary from counting frog's eggs to editing Wikipedia, or even vandalizing Wikipedia[10]. Note than the selection of the talent greatly affects the scores, since the level of difficulties between one another can be very different. Vandalizing Wikipedia would surely be much harder than editing Wikipedia. Throughout the year, it has been recognized that having sex with one eye closed is not a talent whatsoever. While there are many things that will decide the outcome of the contest, the rule of thumb is: the longer half-life a contestant has, the more likely she is to win. The record was set by the Miss Chernobyl of 1992[11], who had a half-life of a chocking 81,3 years, longer than Uranium232!

The judges will select five contestants from this stage, and they will head to the next stage, the Jerry Springer stage.

Interview with Jerry Springer[edit]

Jerry Springer with two Ukrainian youngsters.

The final stage of the beauty pageant is an interview with Jerry Springer. Since there are still five contestants left, the viewers then must watch all five interviews since Springer has created a some-sort of device that will force the audience to watch all of them. This stage will also determine who will be the next Miss Chernobyl, and Springer will put the crown right after the fifth interview, so it is all up to Jerry Springer.

Firstly each contestant will have her own interview in person with Springer. Here they will talk about normal stuff such as world peace, nuclear power plants, complete episode of Heroes, the future of Family Guy and the reunion of Guns N' Roses. After five common interviews, all of the contestants will be gathered together in a large couch with Springer on a different chair. He then started to read out the quotes that the contestants have made about other contestants. As a result, usually one contestant will stand up and start fighting the the contestant next to her. At this point, the contestant closest to Springer will start ripping her dress off, showing her five large tits. Chaos in the studio. Once again Springer has saved the day. It should be added that in 1999, the contestants were all so horribly amorphously messed up that in a moment of sheer panic, Jerry Springer nominated his own tie for the contest in lack of a better idea. As impossible as it may seem, the tie won. Its only comment on the unexpected victory was .... The jury was left singularly flummoxed by this odd situation.

Finally, after about half an hour of madness[12], everyone goes back to their own changing room and waits for the final result.

Miss Chernobyl 1999, displayed here (the contest ended in a tie).

Previous winners[edit]

The first Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant was held in 1988. There have been 20 pageants. Below is the list of winners of each pageant.

a Runner-up for the 2009 beauty pageant. Yes that's right she is actually a woman.

Note: the 1992 winner was subsequently disqualified when it was found out that she was in fact the bearer of equine DNA due the zoophilic and pedophilic nature of her father. Ann Widdecombe was promoted to first place.

Notes[edit]

  1. They do, on the other hand, receive their very own box of Captain Obvious Cereals, signed by Captain Obvious himself.
  2. Some of the those women can actually be seen in the film Total Recall. Contrary to popular belief, those freaks are actually quite real, even you wish they weren't.
  3. AGHHH, MAKE IT STOP!!!
  4. This phrase, courtesy of Viktor Yushchenko, was later shamelessly ripped off by Christina Aguilera and turned into the track "Beautiful". Viktor Yushchenko received no credit for the song text.
  5. It's actually not that bad, if she'd just traded the glasses for contact lenses, used a shitload of Botox, grew her hair longer and dropped 20 pounds or so...
  6. No actually, make that 40 pounds. Or even 60.
  7. This is mostly due to the fact that her body immediately began to decompose into a protoplasmic blob of unidentified green matter just moments after her sudden death.
  8. The equivalent beauty contest for dogs in Chernobyl, financed by the same foundation that funds Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant.
  9. Note that "shape" in this context can mean exactly anything, and that's what you should be ready for if you visit the contest. Let's just say that hourglass figures are like, sooooo 1962...
  10. Most commonly meaning the creation of an article about the contest in question, an article which will generally be insta-huffed by the Wikipedia admins, as for some strange reason Wikipedia insists that this contest is not real.
  11. This particular contests partial winner, whose name have apparently been lost in annals of time, can be seen in the widely praised music video for the song "Windowlicker" by Aphex Twin.
  12. For some reason, Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant always causes the eternally dreaming Cthulhu the Slimy to stir in his slumber, driving people mad.
  13. The details of these peculiar circumstances are better left unexplained, but let's just say that she had not aged very well since her passing away...
  14. Participated just one week after having her hair cut off.

See also[edit]

Tip

If you are mad enough to travel to Chernobyl, Ukraine to witness the contest, then for the love of God, make sure to bring along your own biohazard suit, or you're either going to end up the same way as Alexander Litvinenko did, or be mutated into something unrecognizable.