Mobutu Sese Seko

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Mobutu Sese Seko.
“He wouldn't know corruption if it yanked his hat off”
~ Ken Lay on Mobutu
“It takes two to corrupt: the corrupter and the corrupted.”
~ Actual Mobutu quote
“Uncle Mobutu brought muffins!”
~ Less actual Mobutu quote
~ Mobutu on his new microwave
Mob YouTube Sexy Sega Kookoo Bendoo Wowzer Bangme
Mob YouTube Sexy Sega Kookoo Bendoo Wowzer Bangme
Personal info
Nationality Unconfirmed (Most likely German)
Date of birth Big Bang
Place of birth the heavens
Date of death 25th November 2005
Place of death Pig and Whistle, Wandsworth, London
First Lady Money
Political career
Order Lord of Zaire
Vice President Ebinezer Scrooge
Prime Minister Ran in 1965 election
Term of office 19602960
Preceded by Nobody
Succeeded by Still nobody
Political party Enron

Mobutu Sese Seko Nkuku Ngbendu Nintendo Klatu Verata Nikto wa za Bang a Prostitute, (or Mo'booty for short), a name which means, "The all-powerful warrior who, through his ridiculous hat and glasses, goes from conquest to conquest leaving embittered starving Africans in his wake" was the leader of the African nation of Zaire for a thousand years, thus making his regime the "Third Reich" of Africa. During that time, he earned the reputation of being one of the most charitable leaders in all of Africa, which goes to show either that his people were really clueless, or that the other African leaders really sucked mule balls, or that, maybe, he actually give more than two shits about his people.

Early Life[edit]

Mobutu was born in the early 1900s. The exact date is not known because the calendar had not been invented yet, and the exact place is not known because the only source on Mobutu's childhood is his autobiography, which claims Mobutu was born in heaven along with the sun and stars. What is known is that he was the son of a zookeeper, and little Mobutu came to particularly like the leopards. Their name reminded him of "Leopold," who was one of his favorite rulers of the Belgian Congo. (King Leopold? Belgian guy? Not so nice to the Congolese? Study your history, man.) King Leopold's love of African culture, which led him to become a collector of slaves' hands, as well as his excessive and unbridled greed and cruelty, really rubbed off on the boy. His father, who usually was too oblivious as a result of huffing his zoo's various kittens, approved of this idolization.

His father soon got a job with the local hat factory, and turned all of his zoo animals into hats. Mobutu was given the hat made from the leopard, while most of the other animal hats were given to such fur collectors as Mr. Burns, Cruella de Vil, and R.E.M.

Also, Mobutu really liked Urkel. So he went and bought the dorkiest glasses he could find and wore them for the rest of his days, despite his perfect vision. As a result, everything looked all blurry to him, and he was unable to see, later in life, that his people were suffering. Or so he would have you believe.

Rise to power[edit]

When the Belgian Congo became independent of Belgium, it broke out into bloody civil war in the standard fashion of newly freed African states. Like college students, they were high on freedom, leading to lots of excitement and pain all at once. And like college students, it took a crusty dean to put them in line. Mobutu was just that dean.

Mobutu came to the Congo during this time, because he was OCD and only felt comfortable being in places where he felt like he could die at any moment. And the inconclusive and seemingly endless civil war he had found provided just that environment.

Unfortunately, all of the generals who were fighting one another were too humane and not aggressive enough to provide any stability. And, given what Mobutu was wearing, it was obvious to the battle-weary people of the Congo that the man was batshit insane. This was just the kind of man they knew could bring order to their war-torn country.

So, one day, Mobutu was asked if he wanted to become the Congo's first president. Mobutu said yes, because you would have to be a fucking retard to pass up an offer like that. Their hopes of a stable future were confirmed during Mobutu's inaugural speech.

~ Excerpt from Mobutu's inaugural speech

Reign of love[edit]

Mobutu started by naming his country Zaire, which means "Land which eventually will no longer be called Zaire." His second act was to open the Mobutu Good Will Fund, an organization dedicated to ending poverty everywhere. After that, he drove down the streets of Zaire's capital city, throwing money to all the poor he encountered. This entailed everybody except himself. In addition, he declared that Zaire would be a free democracy and that he would hold an election the very next year.

Mobutu prevented hunger within himself

The Zairese (I guess) were very excited to hear that their new leader was so benevolent.

Mobutu was famous for supplying free food to the starving people of Zaire.

...or something like it[edit]

After 10 years in power, it turned out that the Mobutu Good Will Fund must have thought that Mobutu was the poorest man in the world or something, because all of the proceeds went to him. And anybody who didn't donate was promptly purged. Also, the people who had been thrown all that money soon found that they just had Chuck E. Cheese's tokens, which were only applicable in North Carolina before 1932. And as for the elections, everybody who tried running against Mobutu ended up inexplicably dying. After a while, it became obvious that Mobutu wasn't all he was cracked up to be.

Mobutu was nonetheless able to stay in power for about a millenium, and during that time, he became so rich that he bought the neighboring country of Rwanda, and, just to have a little fun, assigned the people roles of either Hutu or Tutsi. He didn't realize how seriously they would end up taking it, but then again, did he really care?

After 999 years, the Zairese suddenly decided that they didn't like him anymore. It was then that the seeds of revolution were planted.


It was exactly 1000 years after he had established himself as Zairian autocrat that Mobutu was overthrown. Like most revolutions, it required massive bloodshed. And like most revolutions, it resulted in a hideous civil war followed by total anarchy. All in all, it was a golden age for Zaire.

It started when Muhammed Ali showed up for the Rumble in the Jungle. This was an event in which Ali was to take on Mobutu himself. Mobutu, having been totally been overcome by hubris, said that whoever wins can rule Zaire.

“I am a generous god.”
~ Mobutu on himself

The fight lasted for about 14 seconds. Mobutu, who hadn't felt pain since being stung by a dissident bee 400 years before, started crying and ran away. Of course, all his great wealth was left behind and was distributed evenly among the people of Zaire. Right? Yeah, that sounds fair.

Anyway, Muhammed Ali, in a noble act of idiocy, stepped down from office, leaving a massive power vacuum which nobody else could fill. The war that ensued killed millions of people and involved 7 countries, making it the 8th-worst disaster in African history.

Mobutu currently lives with his grandma in Fresno, CA.