Moby

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Moby should not be confused with John Malkovich.
...Or with Michael Stipe.

Moby is bald. Look closely. He is bald. Super bald. It's scary how bald. He's so bald that this sentence might go on forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Ooops. No it didn't

As a devout Christian, Moby has always attributed his inspiration and success to God, leading God to sue Moby for unpaid royalties. When the case was heard by the US Supreme Court, God won obviously and Moby was ordered to make immediate payment of 19.7 trillion US New Shillings by banker's draft or international money order. Unfortunately, Moby had already spent all his past royalties, mainly on soup. He is now God's slave, forced to work all day and all night for no reward, and forced to wear frilly dresses on God's whim. Ironically, Moby's life has now turned into a living hell, which just goes to show what happens when you mess with God and drink soup.

A copy of a random Private Message ripped from Moby.com[edit]

Sorry....for the delay in replying...I have to sleep occasionally. Fair enough. His music can sometimes be quite quite good. My favourite is one of the remix's of "Into the Blue" but most of Moby's music I don't care for... Most of us on his team (including Richard most of the time) - aren't really interested in music. Isn't that mentioned in the "rant" from last year?...probably not..but I still need coffee anyway - The point is indeed dreadfully serious. Moby obviously can't put any form of political pressure on anybody if he's genuinely doing the opposite behind everybody elses backs. Potentially it's all very damaging - and this is why the topic is being discussed by trolls as opposed to 'boardies'. The rant itself isn't really that offensive...it's silly and it probably oversteps the mark - but the other boardies are saying it's a genuine death threat - when it very clearly is just somebody who doesn't like Moby's records letting off steam. Everybody already knows that Moby's business practices are usually very unethical. But with Teany etc - he is at least trying to make a very small difference. Even if the company is just a token of his goodwill...at very least that's something that matters.

However, If he has genuinely bullied previous board members off these boards (which we all kinda know has really happened...and I'm definitely sure of it) - Then thats a problem we as Moby.com boardies need to solve on Moby.com...If this were to get out it would completely destroy his career - and his name and his music would be dragged through the mud...he'd be completely publicly humiliated and so would all of us. so we have to be very careful about how this is dealt with. Essentially, myself and the other boardies (who we should refer too as 'witnesses') have decided that Moby's actions against the board members in the UK etc. should be considered seriously and publicly open on these boards. Therefore - if the media get hold of it - it's already old news and they wont bother reporting it - Nobody cares if Moby has already been 'properly' tried and punished publicly on his own website. We all know he's guilty -and we have to find a way to find him guilty - but in a good light. The problem is - these postings (including this PM) may genuinely be used in a court of law...and therefore we have to have absolute integrity in how we find him guilty. If more of the younger boardies or those just passing through - (or the really stupid boardies) - defend him Just because he's 'Moby' - it makes things look far worse for him...so we have to deal with the whole thing quickly and harshly - basically give him an open trial on the boards where he is found guilty (because he is) - not treat him as moby - but treat him as a politician - and then once we've all agreed that he shouldn't have done it and he's a hypocrite (cue boos and jeers from all the seriosu boardies) - then we can bury the topic in the boards or wait for admin to delete the topic or for moby to come forward and say a few words to hush the whole thing up.

Richard's a very clever guy...and although I'm really pissed off with him for doing something that was incredibly stupid - I owe it to him to at least be realistic and fair. Moby's already guilty...everybody knows that...some of the kids don't understand but we've got to show ourselves as responsible forum members - and that means being very hard on moby very fast and then burying the topic forever.

A few facts about the cases[edit]

Moby admin had had a load of problems on these boards for a while - eminem fans turning up etc - just idiots....then a few random passers by wrote a few things and a couple of 'real' boardies wrote a few things and a few 'trolls' wrote a few things and somebody in admin must have flipped and called the police. It was a terrible mistake on admin and Moby's part - because Moby had already started campaigning and preparing to pursue the freedom bill....sadly one the guys they picked on was some random bloke from the uk (who wrote the rant) - apparently he got a really hard time from the police and is threatening Moby Legally....Moby obviously doesn't need this but word has got out and the incident keeps cropping up on the boards...moby has genuinely oppressed an innocent mans freedom of speech (There's no way Moby would be stupid enough to consider that a death threat - although apparently if things really get out of control his legal team might have to try and argue for it - and Moby will have to say with his hand on the bible that he genuinely was afraid for his life....which he naturally doesn't want to do) Also - there's a problem with the timing. The Uk poster hadn't been back to the Moby site for over six months...so it had already been long forgotten. The police had simply taken too long to investigate it...and This makes Moby look bad also - because he should've dropped the legal proceedings once he (ahem) - "knew he was out of danger"....somebody at moby.com just forgot to cancel the investigation and the poor idiot who posted the message (along with others) - unfortunatley got persecuted.

The whole things a big mess - and therefore you can understand why things have been weird with isps and trolls. It's a shame that moby didn't make a journal post prior to contacting the police...or at least mentioned it on this site before he had the police on the hapless nut...if only he had - then he'd be in the clear....instead he's stuck - he can't come forward and admit he did it because it would ruin his political ambitions....he can't apologise because that would be an admission of guilt...and he can't deny it because it's true....it's the nastiest mess he's got himself into so far. We're here to protect Moby's political and business interests (hence all the weirdness) Admin are finding new ways to deal with the topic by deleting boards and posts that mention the incident...but more and more people are coming to the site asking about it....it's sticky as hell.

anyways...there you go...it's a big political problem for Moby...it may genuinely destroy him. If you wish to discuss this with anybody - only discuss it with boardies who been online for at least 6 months to a year....the new kids aren't serious Moby supporters...keep them out of it. some discussion needs to appear on the boards at the mo...but it has to be serious debate as opposed to 'moby didn't do it! - please leave Vicky etc out of this...blah blah blah....you've been around for a while...we have to trust you to be sensible...there's a lot of board members here and we can't make a public post - so please only send this to 3 or 4 board memebers you have been PMing for at least 3 months. sorry about this Truthseeker. (By the way - Im going to have to continue to be hard on Moby - please feel free to disagree if it warrents it - but please join the 'others' in playing along - it's up to you.) If we can keep Moby away from committing further civil liberty violations - we might just be able to snag that democrat dinner on the 5th.

Allegations of Funkyness[edit]

In August 2005, the Queen of England stated in an interview with the New York Times, that during a June 2005 party, Moby had been seen being "quite funky indeed," and that his "fly moves were out of sight." This report was confirmed by the undead corpse of former United States President William Henry Harrison and pop music sensation Donald Trump. Moby has refused to comment on the allegations.

Mistaken Identity[edit]

Moby aka Peter Barney has been seen on regular occasions around the city of Perth in which he currently resides with his wife Sharon. It is commonly thought that Moby is not in fact Peter Barney when in fact this is entirely untrue. When asked to produce a DNA sample for comparison, Moby provided a sample which turned out to belong to an aging blues musician.

Collaboration with NASA scheduled for 2006[edit]

Moby might be able to destroy Lance Bass of NSYNC in millions of ways, but he's going sky high with his latest endeavor. Moby has agreed to provide some brain tissue to a group of scientists scheduled to deploy several gene mutation experiments on the next scheduled space shuttle launch. In turn the scientists and the space administration will give Moby extreme much needed publicity by booking him on the next space shuttle launch, URANUS. Moby must first complete a series of high impact helmet crash tests, while in full gear of course. Other harsh training includes high temperature tolerance, cold weather exposure playtime, and static rug tests, in addition to verbal abuse preparatory tests to prepare him for the female scientists whom will be on board during the mission. This will be a historical and momentous career move for the beloved classical music artist. Of note: Moby is scheduled to be informed shortly after he acquires orbit that due to insufficient government funding, his return may be delayed, indefinitly.

Moby's Dark Side[edit]

There have long been internet rumours regarding Moby's business practices. As a Jingle Maker for multi-million dollar advertising executives, Moby's dull, lifeless, and devoid of all meaning - yet inoffensive music has long been commissioned for a veritable plethera of dull, lifeless and devoid of all ethical standards (yet incredibly offensive) multi-billion dollar corporations for the purpose of passing their products onto people who themselves are devoid of all life and meaning. As a corporate puppet - Moby has essentially been designed and programmed by some of the worlds leading scientologists and christian computer programmers to constantly beam an aura of messianic enlightenment and holier than thou Christian family values. (see FACISM) He, like many current celebrity jingle makers - has been built and designed entirely with the intention of presenting his corporate employer - (through the clever use of his mundane music and his beautific smile and aura) - as a worthy and ethical manufacturer of all manner of products...including 'landmines', 'Handguns', 'Cigarette Machines', 'Petrol', 'Right wing fundamentalist religious and political literature' 'Guatanamo bay Prison breaks', 'rat poison' and in japan 'suicide instruction booklets'. He and his music have also publicly represented such organisations as "Lobby for Lowering the age of consent to 6 (4 for blond girls)" and "Holocaust denial"....Naturally as a practising Christian and part time homosexual (see FASCISM) - he has no moral or ethical dilemmas with the disgustingly huge amounts of filthy blood-money he's made out of the steeple who persist in buying his represented products and mundane music as well as the body count he represents in sweatshop labour and the various alive/executed/currently-undergoing-'thought reform' political/state prisoners of the various regimes for which he does huge amounts of business with.

To put it simply...next time you see a product advertised to the gentle dull dribble of a moby track...ask yourself this "How many people suffered and died around the world to bring me this product?" and "is this product really ethical?" ....99% of the time the answer is "no" (to the latter)

Naturally such a vicious capitalist pig-dog with this much innocent blood on his hands couldn't operate effectively without serious corporate investment in which to mask his nefarious purpose. At his website Moby.com a computer programmer produces means tested populist statements, delivered under the guise of CEO of 'The Moby Corporation' - which serve to bolster his populist appeal. Essentially most cash ready consumers are young and idealistic and therefore 'Moby droid 1' precipitates a media image pandering primarily to their naive political and social beliefs. The Corporations representing the 'New World Order of Lizard Men' -have even gone to the lengths of setting up a yogurt making factory which Moby rules with an iron fist - in order to pass the evil little man off publicly as an ethical entrepaneur. But Moby is evil...know this in your heart...and next time you see one of his adverts ask yourself these three questions?

"Is this product ethical?" (answer: probably not...'No')

"Why is Moby's music being used on this advert?" (answer: Because Moby is publicly represented as a 'Good person' and the corporation have fallen out of favour with Kenny G)

"Why is he so successful?" (answer....GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD QUESTION!)