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“I love the word "modern": it has an antique flavour.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Modern

“Modern doesn't mean a thing: Tomorrow, Today will be Yesterday, and vice versa anyway”

~ Captain Obvious on Modern
Modern drumset, once.
Antique building, once.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Modern.

At the moment of its writing, this article could be modern. Or antique. Or whatever. Or useless[1].

Modern writing[edit]

The glorious past[edit]

Whenever an old text bores you, remember it has been modern some day. Its unintelligibility has shocked people, who couldn't make head or tail out of it. It went against all current moral standards, and left its writer bereft of his head, causing some commentaries on there being no noteworthy difference.

The glorious future[edit]

Whenever somebody tells you your writing is unintelligible, don't worry: you're just being modern. Tell the person to die and come back to do some haunting: by then your writing will be considered ahead of its time. People will wonder why nobody could make head or tail out of such boring text, or why it eventually cost you your head. You can do some haunting together[2].

The glorious present[edit]

Whenever you find a text boring and/or unintelligible, check the people around you. If the writer has good press, and rumour has it that the writer could lose his head anytime, it's a modern text, and only true barbarians are not aware of that. Otherwise, don't try to make head or tail out of it and just chuck it away. There's the dustbin.

Modern painting[edit]

Go back to Modern writing, and substitute "painting" for "text", as well as for "writing", and "painter" for "writer". You can leave the word "unintelligible": once you're able to pronounce it, you can throw it in whatever conversation whenever you need to feel superior. Don't forget to practice the extended version "unintelligibility".

Modern music[edit]

Go back to Modern writing, and substitute... well, you know the game. I strongly advise you to keep the words "unintelligible" and "unintelligibility" for obvious reasons.

All things modern[edit]

Modern art in general[edit]

Keep generals out of modern art: things are confused enough as it is! But if your not comfortable yet with the word unintelligible, you can safely use interesting instead. This applies to all modern art in general. Keep generals out of... hey hey hey!

Modern and not art?[edit]

Q: try to find human activities that

  • can be considered modern
  • are not considered art

Once you've found something, you can add it right between those two (2) lines:


A: Frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams.


Modern people[edit]

Simon Stevin

Louis Quatorze

Benedictus XVI

Louis Casserole


  1. Which would make it an Uncyclopedia article par excellence.
  2. Scottish castles are out, nowadays. Try fast food dumps restaurants instead.